Drew Pritt

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Hey, y'all, I'm Drew. Where's the hot checks?

Drew Pritt is an Internet celebrity due to his frequent attempts to run for office, which result in vast amounts of hilarity. He has tried to run for office at least as often as Lyndon LaRouche but has been far less succesful, garnering just single-digit poll numbers in the two occasions he has actually made it onto the ballot (for a city council position in Warren, AR and a county supervisor position in Bradley County, AR.) This doesn't deter him from announcing for virtually every office he can in multiple states.

Early Career

The ONLY dead squirrel revival kit endorsed by Drew Pritt!

Pritt has attended several colleges in several states, including: Ouachita Baptist University, College of the Ozarks, University of Arkansas at Monticello, Marshall State, and University of Memphis. While at College of the Ozarks he acquired the nickname "Squirrel Boy" after stomping a squirrel to death in a fit of rage.

Pritt got his start as a write-in candidate for the Arkansas Legislature in his first forays into electoral politics, in his early twenties. Pritt claimed that his performance in this election was larger than expected, but that a conspiracy led by the Arkansas Secretary of State deprived him of the acknowledgement needed. He also jerked off to gay pron in the computer labs at the UAM. Because of this, he is banned from the UAM campus, and campus police have standing orders to arrest him. Moreover, the last three rows of the UAM computer lab in Sorrels Hall are closed after business hours because Pritt couldn't keep his hand out of his pants. Additionally, while at UAM, he founded a Presbyterian student organization, the Westminster Fellowship, from which he embezzled large sums of money and was forced by his own father to pay it back over time. During this time, his father repeatedly raped him. Wherever he goes, money seems to disappear.

When these political ventures proved unsuccessful, he went to Washington as an intern for a US Senator from Arkansas. In this position he lasted all of two weeks before getting fired. The legendary history of Pritt's termination is that he had asked for a day off to attend a Democratic political meeting while working for a Republican. Rebuffed, he then called in sick, assuming that the staff of a US Senator just fell off the turnip truck yesterday. When his office sent several fellow interns to the meeting to locate Pritt, they found him coming out. When he saw them, he started limping. He was immediately fired.

Without a source of income, Pritt attempted to stay in Washington, but ended up bouncing a bunch of checks to stay afloat. Hot checks, incidentally, became a major part of the Pritt repertoire. He would ultimately spend time in jail in West Virginia for writing checks on an empty bank account. Pritt also embezzled money while working for his cousin Charlotte Pritt's various campaigns in West Virginia. Pritt was also noted for starting a "draft Charlotte Pritt" website, in violation of West Virginia electoral expenditure laws.

The ass of Drew Pritt

In 2002, Pritt attempted to return to UAM campus, having given up politics and deciding to become a minister. He amused several students who knew him by claiming to be Jewish. The Vice-Chancellor of Academic Affairs at the time refused Pritt's application due to his past conduct.

Pritt later went on to launch a campaign for the US House in Tennessee's 7th district. He failed because he could not obtain 25 signatures (yes, 25) that he needed to qualify for the ballot. He would later claim that he had been drafted for this race, presumably by the same people who killed OJ's wife and ruined Enron when Ken Lay wasn't looking. Pritt followed this up by returning to Arkansas and running for the Warren City Council, losing by a 79%-21% margin (later Pritt would lie and claim that he won 42% in this election).

In 2004, Pritt ran for the county judge of Bradley County as an openly gay candidate. Not surprisingly, he did not win. In later internet posts, he claimed to have won 14% of the vote in this election. He won 3% and 107 votes.

Drew Pritt's cock makes several appearances on the internet.

In early 2005, Drew announced his candidacy for Congress in Wisconsin's 5th district. A month later he dropped out and headed home to Arkansas, having found that he could not even win support in the state that elected Joseph McCarthy to the Senate.

Later that year, he ran for Lt. Governor of Arkansas, spurning a wild web following that regards his campaigns as major lulz. He has the distinction of being the first openly gay candidate for any state position in Arkansas... something that did not endear him to the voters of that state. Added to the humor is the fact that he clearly regards the internet as serious business and will respond to comments about him on message boards, even going so far as to write his own Wikipedia page (which was later deleted.)

In 2006, he ran for Mayor of Little Rock. After a short and unsuccessful campaign, he dropped out of that race.

In 2007, he resorted to running for school board. After polluting the city with signs and even going door-to-door asking for support, he came out with only 8 votes out of the nearly 2000 votes cast. Apparently voters feared for the safety of their children's butthole.

Drew is best known for having spent some time living in his mom's basement, and for having reached 30 and lost most of his hair without ever having had a real job.

Recent News

Hope you like the cream filling! I know Drew does.

Pritt established a fraternity at the University of Arkansas, Little Rock. Needless to say, he is very close to his brothers.

Even more Lulzworthy news has come to light. Apparently Drew ~~Prick~~ Pritt, after proving that his drive to fail at elections, and make a mockery out of himself was more important than school, flunked out of his college in the Podunk, backwoods state Arkansas. Afterwards, he made his way to Minnesota to "help" someone with their campaign. Our prayers are with that poor soul that needs Pritts help. At least the Arkansans have one less batshit insane cousin fucker in their state.

After only one week in Minnesota he was kicked out of the campaign. Apparently, the people working in the campaign decided to Google his name. Guess what was at the top of the search results... His ED article! Fearing for the lives of the local squirrels in true liberal fashion, and not wanting to be associated with such a psychotic, self-centered, egotistical, hypocritical fuck-up, they dropped him like a flaming piece of shit.

UPDATE!!! Drew Pritt has now found his calling in life by posting pro-Hillary Clinton diaries on Daily Kos, while ranting against Encyclopedia Dramatica and OurCampaigns. Pritt declared that both sites "are like the Nazis in the fact that they lie about me."

Pritt also tried to get his much more respectable brother David to run for Congress in Arkansas' 3rd district. David Pritt's candidacy was complicated by him fighting in Iraq and not living in Arkansas. So Drew had a voter registration card sent to someone's house who has never met David Pritt nor authorized such a move. The legality of such a move is in question, but when you consider that Drew is batting .000 against the Arkansas legal system, someone is going to get in trouble for that stunt.

Depending on the tides, the David Pritt congressional bid is currently dormant. Drew tried to solicit thousands of dollars from DailyKos to launch his own candidacy for the seat, and he was mocked for failing to acknowledge campaign finance laws. Drew later claimed that floating his own bid was meant to promote his brother's candidacy somehow.

ADDITIONAL UPDATE!!! Feeling butthurt about being a fat laughingstock of a basement dweller, Pritt has since resorted to threatening those who "persecute" and "stalk" him with unsubstantiated claims of legal action via the site HaltAbuse.org. Seeing as how he's poor as shit he has yet to make good on any of these claims, adding another lie to his long and illustrious grand total.

EVEN BIGGER UPDATE!!! Drew Pritt has decided to run for the Little Rock City Council, ensuring several months of online lulz.

Pritt, as Deidra Windsor Walker Wolfchase Windbush Fucktard(his drag persona), will be in his home-state of West Virgina competing for the title of Miss West Virginia US of A At Large (a national drag pageantry system for Plus sized drag queens). He is expected to fail miserably yet again, but at least he will be out of Arkansas for a day or two and we won't have to smell his halitosis breath. We pray he stays gone. Why he is compelled to compete in every drag pageant he can is still a mystery as he has no talent, no style, and looks like a drunk lice-infested homeless half man half wildebeest.

Notable politician Al Gore believes Drew Pritt to be the fabled Man Bear Pig.

Expunged From Fraternity for Embezzlement? LOLOLOL!

On November 24, a tl;dr journal that appeared to be a precursor to an hero syndrome popped up on Drew's Facebook account. It was full of BAAAWW, AIDS, and ultimately fail; but oddly absent of ipod.

“	My world feels so lonely lately. This evening, I stood trembling with a broken heart before Justin, Cory, Jeff, Ayo, Eric, TJ, Michael, and Matt. I apologized to them for being me. I apologized for the fact that I am outspoken and sometimes do not listen. I apologized for hurting them and their reputations. I apologized for being human. Saying, I am sorry, is not easy. What will result now is that my fellowship, actively on a regular basis, is no longer requested or desired. I remember crying at JD's house, because one group of guys didn't want me around and now almost 3 yrs. later, I am excused away from what I thought would be the remedy for that problem. I blame myself. I think losing my friends is one of the hardest things to experience. Yes, they say they will be there like normal, but no....social exile is just that. I tried to overcome impressions of me and overcome my own inadequacies and the result is that....I sit in my apartment....alone. Its a severe kick in the gut and I am hating myself right now. Yes, there is "solutions" but if this is the solution then why does it hurt so much? No matter what I said or did there was no escaping that I was being asked to leave. If you go away then we can do better. I was at fault for a debt I didn't create. I was at fault for mismanaging. Doesn't matter if it was unintentional....I was at fault and would be held accountable in everyone's eyes. I wanted to fight....but how can I fight? How can I say being right is more important than just seeing what I helped create destroyed in the process? No matter what happened, I was to be socially executed, but how would I go out? 'You are too old. I mean the age difference is so great' 'You are too out and proud. We don't care if you are gay, just don't be so outspoken about it' 'I doubt what you say.' 'If you don't do it this way, it will become a bloodbath and you will be attacked, whether you are guilty or not of what is said.' Each phrase and more were knives in my heart. Yes, I know some others may have hurt but it's hard to see their pain through my own. Moreover, they are still in....I am just inactive. Yes my dignity is maintained and I will for the books remain. But socially, I have been sliced off and told I am no longer welcome unless invited in. The greater pain is I caused other friends pain. The greater pain is I lost respect, I lost social interaction, and I lost their fellowship. The greater pain is I don't know how I can ever repair something I never tried to break in the first place. No matter what I say or do, it is done, and now I will be forgotten. I will lose my link with what fueled me, what made me feel proud, and what I thought would justify all the pain I had gone through. And now all those who laughed at me, who talked about me behind my back, and who thought I would fail....I guess they are right. I fucked up and now I am told to go away. So how did I choose to leave? I spoke from the heart, like how I began, and walked away broken. I am sorry and this has broke me.	„
—Drew Pritt on faceBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWk.

Drew's sob story is a touching recount of the travesty that has befallen him. Him being completely free of blame, of course. Noone likes him because hes an aging fag.

In reality, Drew stole $150 from one of his fraternity brothers, who mistakenly gave money to Drew to pay off dues. Drew, however, didn't anticipate the fact that said money would be missed, and conveniently misplaced it into his bank account. After being confronted, he cried like a little bitch then ran bawling to his facebook for ass pats and hugs since noone loves him IRL.

Additional Speculation

May or may not be Iconoclast.

Not a popularity contest, u guyz!

In early 2009, Drew Pritt, after failing miserably at every conceivable election possible, ran for the Student Government Association at University of Arkansas at Little Rock. His platform included the accessibility of gay porn on school computers and the promise to be a complete fucktard his entire time in office. He even wasted embezzled money on electronic ads all around the student center. Amazingly, he received 14 votes, causing some people placing bets to lose money for thinking he couldn't break 10.

“	I was going to write this for my weekly editorial in the newspaper but by then, it will be well past due. Well the SGA Elections have come and gone and the results are official. First of all, and I hope you read this note, but congratulations to Chris Smith & Nital Desai as they are our new SGA President & Vice President. I was one of four candidates who offered themselves for President of SGA. But I garnered only 14 votes. I am not going to offer an excuse and neither am I going to give a shoulda, coulda, woulda. Nor do I believe this is a question of my character or popularity. Unfortunately, elections have become that in some people's eyes. I have been reading Profiles In Courage by John F. Kennedy. Here at UALR, in running for President of SGA, I have walked amongst giants.	„
—From Ms. Drew Pritt's Facebook

Love Life

Not content to just sit at home alone and feverishly read his ED profile only to take facebook bitching and crying like anybody gives a rat's ass, Drew has recently taken time out of his busy schedule of squirrel murder and failing at everything to find love. Drew has been a very busy moron indeed taking to the web in his search for love. This includes multiple profiles on sites like plentyoffish.com and adam4adam.com where he steals pictures of people with halfway decent bodies and puts them on his profile. Anybody who has seen him in person knows that there is no way on the fucking planet that squishy asshat could even have a remotely decent ass or cock shot.

He has the nerve to claim that he is the kind of queer "you would never suspect" though god knows helen fucking keller could see that shit a mile away. His face pics always depict him with a 5 o'clock shadow and ball cap on, as though to insuinate he is in any way masculine, which is in direct contrast with the old jewess persona he tries to play in person. He claims his interests include sports, fishing, and blow jobs. Fucking classy.

But somehow, despite being the least appealing homo ever to grace the scene, and against all odds (and everyone knowing he is a psycho) he has found love at last! Some poor little bastard who clearly has never heard of ED and must be from out of this whole section of the universe has become his most recent victim. The poor boy looks like he has been kidnapped and forced to be photographed with Drew at a meeting of the local NAMBLA chapter. And of course if you think your stomach can handle it, you should go to Drew's pathetic Facebook page and read all his updates regarding his relationship with a boy that is actually in the closet. Discretion is not Deidra's forte. Also, if you should decide you are just too horny for your own good, go have a look at his personals pages, and this should clear up any sexual feelings you may have for at least 4 to 6 months. http://www.plentyoffish.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=2871350 and http://www.adam4adam.com/?section=51&profile_id=677487 and http://www.adam4adam.com/?section=51&profile_id=1022686 and under the names "ualrdkskr" and "ualrdude" on Manhunt.net. Don't say you weren't warned!

BIG HUGE SAD UPDATE!!!

Sadly Drew and his little twink closet case have parted ways. Of course since Drew is a delusional narcissist, he posted minute by minute updates so that we can all bask in his lunacy. He claims that it was the little boy's decision, but really who would have thought otherwise? The boy was recently spotted out and about wearing glasses and it is thought that improved vision greatly contributed to his decision. So for all of you that love fat insane idiots, who can't even win a fat girl drag pageant, please see the links listed above to get hot piece of that action.

Also, please note that Drew has gotten a quasi-legitimate job running a knick knack store in a gay bar. Feel free to go see him any time you need to replace the batteries in your chocolate thunder ass plug.

OH NO Y'ALL!

In an attempt to make his "friends" feel more sorry for him, Drew's most recent note is full of lulz. In this note, he talks about being rapped (was that person blind or just fucking desperate?), writing hot checks (HE HAD TO Y'ALL!) and all of his back country, shit eating family who won't talk to him because hes a huge, cock sucking, pillow biting faggot.

~~You can read the note here, it is too long to post here... and not worth it.~~ Baleeted! Drew, apparently realizing what a twat he's been, went on a rampage of DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING!

The soon-to-be failed Senate Campaign

On October 24th, 2009, Pritt announced his candidacy for the United States Senate against incumbent Senator Blanche Lincoln. Amongst the several rotating reasons for his candidacy are Lincoln's lack of support for the Employee Free Choice Act, her stance on gay rights, and her health care position. It is suspected that the reason will rotate based on the audience. Pritt's campaign strategy appears to involve a hope that nobody will google Drew Pritt, along with a hope that liberals exist in Arkansas and that they're really really stupid.

Pritt's history of never holding down a job and not knowing when to shut the hell up are two things he has in common with many Senators. Pritt's core constituency are people who plan to vote for another candidate and accidentally vote for Pritt and the 0.44% of people who'd vote for Pritt after reading this page. Not to mention that Pritt would need to pay a fee of $1000 to make the primary ballot, which means that his check will probably bounce.

The Pritt campaign also has a Twitter with a hilariously disproportionate ratio of following to followers. Currently the Pritt Twitter has 9 7 followers while Pritt's last campaign drew 8 votes.

An anonymous Arkansawyer had this to say about Pritt's aspirations:

“	As to his political aspirations, if he cannot pay his bills, own a car, complete school after a thousand tries, how can he possibly serve in office. He never completes anything as we have found out. It would be hard enough to be elected as a GLBT person, as many in the mainstream have problems with even that, but does he really think they are going to elect a guy in drag? When you have so many bad things in your past, you have to know the other side is goning to bring them up in the election. You can deny a few things or say they are just BS but all there is about him and with all the people he has pissed off, there is no way he could make enough excuses or deny all those things and still get elected.	„
—Concernedcitizen1980's essay about why Pritt shouldn't be elected to the US Senate

Pritt also made history in November 2009 by becoming the first political candidate to mention Encyclopedia Dramatica in his campaign, painting the site as part of an anti-homosexual conspiracy:

“	Pritt also broke a barrier in Arkansas by becoming the first member of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Communities to seek statewide office. Because of that, there are people who are threatened by the idea of an openly gay individual serving in elective office. They have attacked him on smear websites, like Encyclopedia Dramatica.	„
—Drew Pritt's bio on his website

Such accusations ignore that Pritt's barrier-breaking consisted of a campaign which was ended before the filing deadline. But Pritt was described as "pesky" and able to "certainly at least bloody Lincoln in a primary" in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Surprisingly, this analysis was not given by Pritt under an alias, but by a real editorial writer. But it's worth keeping in mind that 90% of political editorial writers are numbskulls and the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette is a fishwrap.