Texas
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Warning!: Don't mess with Texas! |
Known as the unrepentantly hot arsehole of the United States. Once its own independent republic, Texas is considered by many of its inhabitants to be superior to the United States as a whole, and would be better off seceding. Predictably, many Americans from other states wish Texas would just get on with it rather than keeping up with all this belligerent posturing. Texas was once the largest state in the union, but the addition of Alaska in 1959 has given Texans an inferiority complex that can only be combated with rampant gun ownership, lynchings and executions (and cheap beer). Texas suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder due to being sex'd by six different nations. That's a lot of nations.
Some argue that Texas is the number one killer of retarded people, but we all know better than that.
The only good things to come out of Texas have been ZZ Top, iD Software, steers and queers. Everything else is forgettable. Texas is also responsible for the penultimate shit band that is Pantera.
Note: Not to be confused with "taxes," which are just as bad.
Contents |
[edit] How To Troll a Texan
- Call them a Liberal, as all Texans believe that being a liberal is the most contemptible thing on the planet (besides being not Texan).
- Tell them that Alaska is bigger and California has more people, forcing them to accept that they will always be second best.
- Tell them that Texas is a "gay friendly" state. This will enrage most Texans, as they will assume that you are calling them gay.
- Best of all, you can just send them to doom3.zoy.org (you'll be sohhreee..). It's like shooting rednecks in a barrel.
- WARNING: If you Troll a Texan IRL, make sure you have a Kevlar vest. All Texans own guns, and will not hesitate to shoot the Christ out of people they perceive to be a threat (which is almost everyone).
[edit] Great Moments in Texas History
March 6, 1836: A few hundred Texans at the Alamo pwn the shit out of 1,500 Messicans. They were, however, defeated when a horde of 4,500 additional Messicans attacked them like hobos on a hamburger. "Remember The Alamo" remains a Texan slogan and is often yelled out during the state's periodic anti-Mexican riots.
May 14, 1856: The Texas Camel Experiment.
February 1, 1893: Lynching of Henry Smith, the first blatantly public lynching of a black man.
April 16, 1947: Worst industrial accident in US history. Cargo ships carrying thousands of tons of ammonium nitrate fertilizer catch fire and explode, killing ~600 and destroying a third of the structures in Texas City. Pyros and terrorists everywhere fap vigorously.
November 22, 1963: During a visit to Dallas, drug-addled President John F. Kennedy is killed by Lee Harvey Oswald, who was clearly acting in self-defense.
June, 1971: Texas gives birth to the first low-cost and lulzy airline, Southwest Airlines. Now Texans can fly across the state, eat free peanuts and hit on flight attendants in tight skirts. Yee-haw!
March, 1982: Ozzy Osbourne pisses on the Alamo while drunk, an act that saw him banned from Texas for 10 years. This had negligible affect on his career, as his music differs from the sister-fucking country tunes that Texans love.
January 21, 1993: George Bush Sr. officially declared that, "Only steers and queers come from Texas." Perhaps not coincidentally, the Bush Family enjoys the music of Ozzy Osbourne (see above).
February 28, - April 19th, 1993: The Waco Siege. US Attorney General Janet Reno stages a raid of EPIC proportions on the Waco Habbo Hotel. Fire and genocide ensues in what becomes the largest government-sponsored BBQ in U.S. history.
February 16, 2007: Police in Lubbock arrest an entire group of Chippendale dancers for daring to thrust their hips in the direction of female audience members in Jake's Sports Cafe. Neither hips nor thrusting are permitted in the buckle of the Bible Belt.
March 29, 2008: Texas becomes win for revoking Scientology's status as a religion. Yup.
[edit] State Facts
State Abbreviation - TX
State Capital - Austin
Largest City - Houston (moar like JEWston, amirite?)
Other Cities - "Dallas", San Antonio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Fort Worth, Galveston, Laredo
Area - 268,601 square miles
Population - 20,851,820
Major Industries - oil, livestock, big hair, immigration, real estate, paralysing fear of the outside world, air travel, big hats, executions.
Origin of the Name Texas - The Caddo Indians of eastern Texas called the incoming settlers the Tejas, meaning "friend," in the hopes that the settlers wouldn't kill them, screw their women and children, and steal their land. Unfortunately, this strategy was not successful.
State Nickname - The Lone Star State
State Song - "Texas, Our Texas"
State Gesture - "Hook 'em Horns"
State Mammal - The proud and mighty armadillo
State Flying Mammal - Free-tailed Bat
State Reptile - Tom Delay
State Faggots - Alex-jon, Hal Turner, Ron Paul
Texas Presidents - Dwight D. Eisenhower and Lyndon B. Johnson were both born in Texas. Although George Bush was born in New Haven, Connecticut, he has a long association with Texas, having successfully run several Texas energy companies into bankruptcy before driving the entire fucking country into bankruptcy.
[edit] Residents
- Lovelylina
- Digifant
- BellaBella
- Me
- Mary Alice Altorfer
- EtnaIsMyWife
[edit] Links
- Texan-English Dictionary
- Texas State Fair
- learntotexas.livejournal.com, a faggoty LiveJournal where every post is written in "pretty cool guy" format. A lot of the posts are about Texas history, due to the USI of one of the posters thinking she's hot shit because she lived in Texas.
| The United States of Encyclopedia Dramatica |
|---|---|
| States | Alabama | Alaska | Arizona | Arkansas | California | Colorado | Connecticut | Delaware | Florida | Georgia | Hawaii | Idaho | Illinois | Indiana | Iowa | Kansas | Kentucky | Louisiana | Maine | Maryland | Massachusetts | Michigan | Minnesota | Mississippi | Missouri | Montana | Nebraska | Nevada | New Hampshire | New Jersey | New Mexico | New York | North Carolina | North Dakota | Ohio | Oklahoma | Oregon | Pennsylvania | Rhode Island | South Carolina | South Dakota | Tennessee | Texas | Utah | Vermont | Virginia | Washington | West Virginia | Wisconsin | Wyoming |
| Not a state yet | Australia | Canada | China | Cuba | District of Columbia | Iraq | Israel | Japan | Latin America | United Kingdom | Vietnam |
