Dungeons & Dragons
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Dungeons & Dragons is a cover story used by nerds to explain why they gather in someone's unfinished basement on Saturday nights for long sessions of rolling dice and role playing scantily-clad Valkyries.
Dungeons & Dragons was created sometime in the mid 1970's by a nerd named Gary Gygax after getting really baked off some special brownies and reading too much Tolkien. The resulting game, called dungeons and Dragons for it's heavy emphasis on Dungeons and Dragons has since sucked in hundreds of young males that might have otherwise had a sex life, turning them into unfuckable losers only touchable by the most horse-faced females in the world (aka "female gamers") Gygax himself was found dead in his basement on March fourth by Ed Greenwood & that faggot who came up with Warhammer: 40,000. He will be missed by the small army of loli-pop kids that he kept half alive, chained in his basement, to pleasure his -1 Penis of Pederasty.
It is widely known that "D&D", what the geeks call it, is a thinly-disguised means of teaching racism to children and teenagers, since certain races are considered "evil" in D&D, whereas others are considered "good," for no real reason other than their appearance. Elves all live at peace with nature in and among the forests of the world. Every elf that ever lived is noble, wise and decent with pale skin and beautiful features. Black elves, unlike their Caucasian cousins, are naturally violent, evil and despicable bastards who get off on raping young children. In fact, these "Drow" even more despicable than the ugly Goblins slaughtered by the thousands. Gygax and RA Salvidor have both been very clear and open about this fact. However, since their god is called Lolth they get to justify pretty much anything by saying god told them to do it.
Besides teaching the fine moral of racism, D&D also is an entryway to suck god-fearing Christians into wicked, sinful cults and witchcraft. Countless souls have been lost due to suicide and fighting over characters (No! I'm playing the dwarf priestess of Peylor, you BITCH, not you!) and many more unreported mysterious deaths occur each year due to the mystical disturbances created by this tool of the Devil! It is also filled to the brim with sex and lesbianism! Read Dark Dungeons for one girl's harrowing TRUE story.
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D&D Characters
There is one kind of character in the world of D&D.
- Faggot: Your typical shut-in chucking dice while pretending to be a dragon.
There are 11 subclasses of Faggot:
- Fighter - Played by Internet tough guys, this character was designed for pussies who get beaten up a lot IRL and want to pretend to be tough. Also good for people who are too stupid to understand magick.
- Wizard - This character can use magick and reading skills such as Telekinesis and PowerWord: IRL Name. Everyone plays a wizard because they kick ass.
- Cleric - See Fred Phelps. Played by those who like to be the heal-bitch for everyone else, especially fighters. They also use different magicks than sorcerers and wizards, although their kind involves calling on Jesus.
- Rogue - Leaves creepy phone messages for your older sister. Also responsible for killing the party several times on botched disarm trap rolls, or through being a backstabbing SOB. Usually played by weeaboos who want to be like Naruto but wind up sucking because they spend all of their skill points in shit that doesn't actually keep them or anyone else alive. Also played by Jews who align themselves as chaotic stupid and try to fucking steal everything.
- Monk - A kung-fu fighting pie eating warrior (for the wapanese). At higher levels become fucking invulnerable and can kill people in one hit, but everyone plays a fighter instead because everyone knows the Wapanese are losers.
- Ranger - Rangers generally wander around in the woods and smoke a lot of weed while surrounded by their Woodland Friends, but they are not to be confused with druids. Rangers can only duel wield or use a bow (they don't know how to fight any other way). If you encounter a ranger give them weed and they'll go away.
- Paladin - Warriors so out of it that they believe the gods themselves command them to smite unholy ass. Not to be mistaken for the World of Warcraft/4th Edition paladin, who are heal bitch cheese factories.
- Bard - Uses instruments/songs to cast spells similar to those of wizards and sorcerers, however of a weaker and more supportive grade. Often times the smart people play as Bards because they do not fight and thus never have to worry about dying.
- Druid - Is a pagan who pretends he can shapeshift but in actuality just puts on a fursuit and then loses all ability to talk or use weapons - can only skritch. Games like Baldur's Gate II had fursecution as a storyline where furries attacked the town of Trademeet.
- Barbarian - Like a fighter, only they're from the uncivilized lands and can declare jihad about three times per day so they can smack the shit out of everyone else. Their special powers include getting into a temper tantrum and that somehow makes them stronger. They're generally played by retards because they require zero skill whatsoever to play.
- Sorcerer - Wizards with less total spells but are still popular as apparently they're the spawn of humans and dragons. This makes them the most commonly played class by otherkin.
- Psionicist - Fucks with peoples' heads and sometimes his own body to do shit. Usually played by pseudo-intellectuals. Too confusing to play correctly.
- Divine Prostitute- The only class worth playing where you fuck other characters to heal them. Not available in all campaigns.
Noteworthy D&D Characters
OK, so these don't exist...but these imaginary people apparently are important to D&D tards.
Drizzt Do'Urden: Pronounced "Drizz-it Durdin". Drizzt is a Drow Elf who forsook the ways of his people because he is a total pansy and attention whore who got tired of being bitchslapped by the female drow for being a giant pussy. Hoping for attention, love and fanbois, he escaped to the "surface world", where everyone thinks that he is special because he fights with two scimitars and is black. Drizzt insists on writing long-winded cry poetry about his emotions because he is supposed to be a "deep character". Good thing that you can rob him in Baldur's Gate. (Let's see how, shall we?)
Artemis Entreri: Artemis Entreri (more like Fartas U. Enterme amirite?) is a merciless, ass-kicking licking machine who will FUCKING RUIN YOUR SHIT if you touch him. He is Drizzt's antithesis; a cold, uncaring assassin who will murder you just because he really fucking wants to and you'd thank him, too, because you just got your ass pwned by the coolest fucking guy on the planet. He enjoys cutting throats, giving surprise abortions, and buttsecks. He has a sword that will FUCKING MELT YOUR FACE if you touch it without wearing a special glove, and a dagger that drains your life if it touches you. He thinks Drizzt would look good as a toilet seat cover.
Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie
In 2000, a movie version of the Dungeons & Dragons game was released. It was an abortion of a film watched only by major D&D nerds, and was widely ridiculed even by said nerds and other assorted basement dwellers. It "starred" a bunch of no-talent hacks, including Marlon Wayans (who was undoubtedly ostracized by his family afterwords) and Riff-Raff from Rocky Horror. The Sci-Fi channel aired a second one that was slightly better but noone gives a shit about it.
To save you the brain cells, the plot goes something like this. Some evil wizard wants to control all dragons to start some war and yaddyaddayadda. He sends his drug-addicted blackguard buttbuddy to get some magical dragon staff. The fuck-up heroes find this out somehow and use magical toilet paper to find their way to the staff first. The Addict finds them, snorts some really awesome coke, then pwns them into next Tuesday. The elves save their sorry asses and say some disgustingly Otherkin-style speech about how dragons must be protected. The heroes magically make their way to the top of some huge tower and fight the evil wizard, winning through sheer force of plot contrivance alone. The wizard is killed and the druggie goes to blow some druids to get another fix.
- The End -
AD&D
The only good edition where the classes were balanced. Notable differences between AD&D and other editions were:
- You had a saving throw for everything. A saving throw for AIDS in the pool, a saving throw for seeing your mom naked and even a save for surviving a ressurection attempt.
- The only furries were low-level grunts for you to kill by the dozens.
- Everything went off percentages so you could play easily even while high.
4th Edition Dungeons & Dragons
World of Warcraft was inspired by Dungeons & Dragons, limited by the fact that video games have limited choices involved. However, as WoW became popular and the limitless D&D was waning, 4th Edition was created to mimic a pen-and-paper version of WoW. The geniuses at Wizards of the Coast, who are keenly aware that retarded neckbeards will spend enormous quantities of cash to make sure they aren't pretending to be an awakened cat with an outdated set of rules, have made a killing by mimicking a copy of their original game. Irony, anyone?
4th Edition promises many improvements over previous editions, including:
- Swordman: A character type which emulates the combat-oriented character classes from World of Warcraft.
- Spellman: A character type which emulates the offensive-spellcasting character classes from World of Warcraft.
- Healman: A character type which emulates the defensive-spellcasting character classes from World of Warcraft.
- Stealman: Your average lying troublemaker, mincing the thief-class from World of Warcraft
- Gentlemen: Typically a rouge with a balisong.
- Dragonman: AKA Trogdor, a race designed for 13-year-old-boys who wish they were dragons. Also a power gamer race; banned from all campaigns.
- Furfag: A template automatically added for free to any animal-based character type which grants the character access to a deviantART account.
- Improved Protection from Poontang: An effect granted by ownership of any Dungeons & Dragons materials, this has been enhanced for 4th Edition. Clinically proven to preserve virginity.
- Free can of Neckbeard Growth Ointment with purchase of boxed set: Presumably, this is included to help turn non-players onto the hobby, since everyone knows the set of neckbeards is coextensive with the set of Dungeons & Dragons players.
Your character's abilities are based entirely on The stuff they own in this game. Buying Miniatures, new books, fancy dice costumes and other official D&D paraphernalia grants your character stat bonuses. If you ever Loose your items your character (and pocketbook) are screwed. Not getting stuff for your character means you will not get past level one.
