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Economy
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The economy is what organizes all of mankind's productive forces to combine their efforts and produce vital stuff like porn movies or mobile phones with at least 100 ring tones. As such it is, by definition, the sum of all serious business.
"Slowly starving requires a degree of emotional involvement that is part of the original contract, and in its absence she is sacrificially cheap and should be shivved, left in a gutter. The problem for me is, 95% of the time she knows exactly what my associates want. Yet I am determined to strangle her to death if she doesn't emaciate for me, simply to avoid an anti-climax in our work. I desire so strongly to feel her hyperdefined ribs crush in my vice-grip." --Greenspan (2008)
Historians generally agree that the development of the economy can be divided into three phases: the Old Economy, the New Economy, and the Camwhore Economy. Cutting edge thinkers believe we should bathe in hemp oil because soapy water causes cancer.
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[edit] The Old Economy
In the days before the Internets, the economy was based on what is known as the "Feudal System." In this system, the King and Queen owned all the land, which they then parceled out to the nobles in return for their fealty. Everyone else was serfs or smurfs or something and didn't get jack.
[edit] Free Markets Under the Old Economy
During this period, some thinkers, such as Adam Smith and Ayn Rand, argued in favor of a "free market," because a free market is, liek, a market, and — it's free! That does sound good, yes, but, unfortunately, it turns out that this doesn't mean "free" as in "not costing anything." Nor, apparently, does it mean "free" as in "freedom." Rather, it means "free" in some other complicated sense nobody really understands.
In any case, no free market was ever created during this period, because all markets were under the secret control of the Jews.
[edit] The New Economy
The Internets were invented by freedom-hater Al Gore and were controlled, in their early days, by the Defense Department — a well-known nest of secret anti-American subversives.[1] Commercial use was therefore strictly prohibited (and in fact the ".com" suffix originally stood, not for "commercial," but for "communist"). All of that changed, however, one fine day in 1994, when the courageous "Green Card Lawyers," Darth Canter and Dartha Siegel, sent out their pathbreaking spam to the assembled nerds of Usenet. This resulted in great rejoicing, as well as in the birth of the New Economy.
[edit] Free Markets Under the New Economy
Under the New Economy markets were no longer controlled by the Jews, but rather by a mysterious force known as the Invisible Hand. This led some to conclude that truly free markets were now possible for the first time. The main believers in this theory were the so-called "day traders," who hoped to MAKE MONEY FAST by buying shares in ridiculous, no-future, loss-making dot-com ventures such as Livejournal and Apple. In the end, unsurprisingly, the inside elite kept all the money and the "day traders" were left with jack.
[edit] The Economist Magazine
This international magazine served as an inspiration to Canter and Siegel, and to the New Economy as a whole, due to its convincing argument that problems such as hunger, war, disease, and AN UNCLAIMED SUM OF $10,000,000 (TEN MILLION U.S. DOLLARS) LEFT IN SECRET ACCOUNTS BY THE LATE PRESIDENT, GENERAL SANI ABACHA could be eliminated at a single stroke if only the barriers to world trade were brought down. Nowadays, however, the Economist is known for loving open source software and hating teh Microsoft and teh SCO. This, of course, is a blatant contradiction.
The Economist is also known for publishing, each week, an editorial cartoon which is not only extremely well drawn but also bafflingly, mind-bogglingly unfunny.
[edit] The Camwhore Economy
The New Economy ended sometime in 2000 when it was suddenly discovered that, whereas Old Economy businesses were all built out of "bricks and mortar," the New Economy had been using a more flexible building material. This was known as the "dot com bust."
The immediate result of this was that thousands of workers in Silicon Valley and San Francisco suddenly found themselves laid off from their cushy, all-casual-dress, skateboard-around-the-office, unlimited-free-Nacho-Cheese-flavored-Doritos ® jobs. But the entrepreneurial spirit soon reasserted itself and rebuilt yet another New Economy on the ashes of the old.
Given the nature of its architects, it is only natural that the mainstay of this New New Economy (if you will) was getting 16 year old girls to show their boobs OL.
On a happier note, however: despite the unfortunate success of the Camwhore Economy, furries still get fired.
[edit] Free Markets Under the Camwhore Economy
Besides the Camwhores themselves (and of course the pornography industry), the main bastion of free market capitalism in today's world is eBay. Despite the continued opposition of Bill Gates, RMS, and Joseph Stalin, eBay has succeeded in bringing the benefits of international free trade to us all.
[edit] Economics as a Drama-Generating Technique
This is just too obvious, and also too easy, like taking candy from a baby. But try, for example, accusing someone of committing the "Lump of Labor" fallacy, of some gay shit like that (and don't forget to also flame his spelling). Or try telling a bunch of hysterical fucktards that they should like Wal-Mart because it creates jobs.[2]
[edit] Reaganomics
This is method for running the economy using sufferers from Alzheimer's
(1) Find a rich person with Alzheimer's (Terry Pratchett)
(2) Persuade them to promise to give 100 Euros to Alzheimer's research
(3) Go back to repeatedly collect the 100 Euros until they have donated half a million pounds [3]
(4) PROFIT!
Editor's note - Alzheimer's is a serious disease that does not deserve to be mocked and my gran has it. And she's quite rich.
[edit] How to be a Microeconomist
As the old saying goes, you have to rob a bank speculate to accumulate
Ways of increasing your portfolio;
- Invest in gold
- Invest in 16-year-old-girls
- Invest in gold-plated 16-year-old-girls
- Float ED on the stock market and sell the shares for 100 Euros each
Ways of decreasing your portfolio;
- Bomb a country into the stone ages
- Sack the police force
- Send in troops to police it
- Send in contractors to rebuild it
- Have all the troops and contractors beheaded by Muslims
[edit] See Also
- Supply and demand
- Market regulation
- Executive compensation
- Restraint of trade
- Austrian economics
- Keynesian economics
- Voodoo economics
- Asset price inflation
- Tax policy
- Public Choice Theory
- Mixed Market
- Consumption Function
- ????
- Profit!
[edit] External Links
An important technical discussion on econometrics.
A different viewpoint on the Economist.
An explanation of basic economic principles by Hassan "Acetone" Mikal.
