Encyclopedia Dramatica:Today's featured article/December 25, 2006
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Contents |
[edit] Christmas
Christmas is a Christian holiday that was stolen from the Roman pagan holiday, Saturnalia, and taken out of context at the expense of the workers in the United States and used as an excuse to get drunk on eggnog. It is also when people get no games console, cos they're all so shitty, DONT U FUCKING OWN A COMPUTER?
[edit] The Christmas Spirit
Places like New York and London are not now, nor have ever been very nice places in the month of December. If you're poor, black or a loser in Winter, life basically consists of starving to death, freezing to death or bleeding to death. In such a situation, concerned citizens would commonly take the path of social conscience and riot, smash and loot the fuck out of everything in sight.
The Christmas Spirit as we know it today was purposefully manufactured by Washington Irving in his 1828 book The Sketchbook Of Geoffrey Crayon. In it, a rich cunt opens his doors to the poor and behaves as if this was always how people were meant to act in December. Charles Dickens was meanwhile turning the same trick with A Christmas Carol.
The public bought straight into it, but were confused as to how they were meant to celebrate a holiday that they had always been celebrating but strangely had no recollection of. They thus ran off to their churches/Polish grandmothers for council, and Christmas as we know it started to take shape.
[edit] Christmas (the 24th of December)
Christmas may or may not be one or more of the following:
- a chance for Jews to feel left out and alienated because it's not Hanukkah
- a chance for Muslims to blow themselves and some innocent bystanders up. (See also: All other days of the year.)
- a chance for Christian preachers to condemn nearly everything except giving more money to the church
- a chance for druids to go hug a tree that has not been sprayed with artificial snow first
- a chance for pagans to laugh because their tree worship ritual has been commercialized and spread across the land and then go to Hawt Tawpik to buy more ceremonial daggers.
- a chance for poor people to have their poverty shoved in their face
- a chance for niggers to pretend that they are so special that they require a newly invented holiday
- a chance for fat drunks to get a job playing Santa Claus
- a chance for rich people to show off their inordinate wealth and power
- a chance for greedy people to get more than they give
- a chance for nice normal people to be forced to work overtime while their families are getting together and drinking eggnog and getting into fights at the dinner table
- a chance for rabid atheist left-wingers to bitch about something other than Dubya
Then again, Christmas may be a celebration of the birthday of Christ, even though the holy brat was clearly born in August. Of course, this also involves giving money to preachers.
[edit] Festive Euphemisms
Now that it is Christmas time again there will be many things to do such as:
- Decorating the tree
- Stuffing the turkey
- Pulling the cracker
- Finding the sixpence in the Christmas pudding
- Opening the presents
- Emptying the stocking
- Letting it snow
- Displaying shameless materialism
- Watching corporate propaganda on TV
[edit] The True Story of Christmas
What up, y'all bitch asses? Joseph of Arimithea speaking. I bet you've all heard about Christmas, and what it's all about, how Jesus was born and laid in a manger, and then went on to save everyone from sin and death. Everyone knows this is bullshit, but not many know the REAL STORY.
One day about 2,000 years ago I walked into the talent office at the Bethlehem Hotel and said to the Showbiz Jew, 'Have I got an act for you!' So the Showbiz Jew says 'What is it?'
'Well, it's a family act. I come onto the stage with my young nephew, John the Baptist. He pours some water on my head, works me up into a nice hard-on, and I start fucking a male goat. The shepherd comes in with Mary, who has a strap-on dildo. She fucks a horse while the shepherd fucks her ass. The horse gets a hard-on. Mary takes off the strap-on and gets DP'ed by the shepherd and the horse.
Meanwhile John the Baptist gets a small hard-on from watching me fuck the goat. I force him down into the straw, hit the goat hard in the prostate, and the goat cums into John the Baptist's mouth. Now John takes his penis and sticks it in my ear. He comes quickly, sucks his semen and some earwax out of my ear canal, and rubs the mixture over my penis, which is still covered in fresh shit from the goat's ass.
Three Ay-rabs come in dressed as wise men from the east. Mary starts blowing all three of them at once. The wise men take a gold bar and stick it in Mary's ass. Then they shove frankincense in my ass, and myrrh in the shepherd's ass. Then they take all three of them out and make Mary lick them off. Then she licks the boy semen, earwax, and goat shit from my penis and gargles it. The three wise men give her a bukkake. John the Baptist is meanwhile giving a blow job to the horse.
Now Mary lifts up her skirt to show a young boy being born into a manger. So we put the kid in the manger, I wrap the umbilical cord around my penis, and then I let the horse stick his cock in my ass. Then I stick my own umbilical penis in the first wise man's ass, who sticks his penis into the second wise man's ass, who sticks his dick in the third wise man's ass, who sticks his dick in the shepherd, who sticks his dick in John the Baptist, who sticks his dick in the goat. Mary takes a shit in Jesus' mouth and slaps him in the face. Then we all turn and give Jesus a bukkake and cut off the end of his penis.'|Jesus' Baby Daddy}}
[edit] Christmas, /b/ style
It twas the night before Christmas, and all throughout /b/, Every /b/tard was fapping, and that includes me. The PENIS was out, proudly stiff in the air in hopes of a post that would please Pedobear. The /b/tards all staring in front of the screen Catching unearthly visions, all mainly unseen Except for the pasta that flooded the board Christmas was coming to 4chan.org. With a stickam whore wearing a red Santa cap and every guy screaming that it was a trap Crashing the server while trying to GET All normal things for this part of the net When up on the roof, a noise that perplexed I shot off my load in startled reflex Away from the desktop, I flew in a flash Wondering what the hell caused the crash When, what to my wondering eyes did I see A man black as night, above all the trees Pulled by a horde of memes, well because, I figured at once that it was Nigra Claus. Faster than a rapidshare download they came And his voiced boomed aloud, calling all of their names. "Now Zimmer, Now Cracky, now Mongler and Desu! On Delay, on Picard, on Gendo, and Deku! To the top of the board, where the sticky pin lies!" Needless to say, I was very surprised. He landed upon the grass of the lawn and walked towards the house, as bright as the dawn The source of the glowing was no magic spell "IMMA CHARGIN' MAH LAZER!" the red-lipped one yelled. The front door exploded, all shattered to splinters I realized I just took a shit in my knickers They poured in the room, with quite a large ruckus "Candlejack?" I exclaimed. "What the fuck is-" The words were unable to flow from my voice Little did I realize that I had no choice to sit and endure the riotous mass With cum on my stomach and shit on my ass. Saint Nigra stepped forth, and wrinkling his nose took a look at the room, and shouted "POOL'S CLOSED Don't go in the water, it's full of stingrays and plagued with a virus that's known as the AIDS." George Zimmer stood next, and reached into his frock-
[edit] XMAS GALLERY
 Santa's little helpers |
 Christmas is a time for giving, and a time for eating babies. |
||
 Rare shot of Santa chargin' his sleigh-zorz |
 TyrannoSanta wishes you a Merry Xmas. |
|
|
[edit] What comes after Christmas?
| Today's featured article/December 25, 2006 is part of a series on Religion
|
Deities Prophesies Religious Holidays Religious Icons Fanclubs ArchVillians Key: * represents a Deity or Holiday of Trollianity.
|
|---|
Categories: Crap | Events
