England
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
England, North France, Middle East Jr., or Tea-and-Crumpet-land invented America (commonly considered the worst invention in history except for furry), and is a country most known for having 9% of its population consist of shaven headed, football shirt wearing neanderthals. The other 90%
are muslims/immigrant fucktards. The Last 1% spend their entire lives in small nooks and crannies known as Pubs. English folk are now the minority in England.
Originally cradle to the native Bretons, years of colonial rape and occupation by Europe has resulted in the congealed mud-people now called the English who, in their oedipal complex, then proceeded to do exactly the same thing to everyone else. The English (at least the ones who are on the Internets) also like to think they are still living in the Victorian era and are still pwning the world. In reality, England is now only seen as the insignificant lapdog of the U.S.; this is why England is the only country the Americunt government deems worthy to acknowledge a "special relationship" with.
The English are particularly proud of their football clubs, whose existence has provided them with an excuse to get drunk, regularly beat one another up, and attack people from other countries for over 100 years. Football has been a steady source of employment in Britain, too, as most young British males work hard to become football hooligans by the time they're in their early teens, afterwards often going on to ultimately fulfill their dreams and become drug dealers in London. Those who can't handle this demanding career path become NEETs, which stands for "Not in Employment, Education or Training", ie welfare-state human garbage.
They also invade minor countrys for lulz.
Contents |
Geography
England is located on a shitty, awesome island situated somewhere near Europe. Nobody is entirely sure of the location of England because it is entirely covered in fog. England is sometimes referred to as "Great Britain", a term which includes the English-occupied slave states of Scotland, Wales, and Dublin. England's main exports are new-born babies, as their teenage pregnancy rate is over 9000 per week.
Culture
What the rest of the world thinks English culture is like:
What English culture is actually like if your an Expert who doesn't know GLC are from Wales:
Lifetime Achievements
- Giving birth to the United States.
- Inventing Canada
- Having London Win the 2012 Olympic bid, only to fuck it up with a horrendous logo campaign.
- The British military has at some point pwned every single other country in the world, (except Japan) only to get raped in return. America invented retaliatory rape.
- Creating the BBC, still used to broadcast Limey propaganda until this very day.
- Inventing Monty Python (see English Humor)
- Reading every Harry Potter book.
- Stealing football from Russia, to later split it into the separate sports of rugby and soccer.
- Having the worst weather on the entire planet.
- Since the 70's creating bands that noone outside of England has ever heard of, such as The Streets and the Arctic Monkeys.
- Having as many furries as the rest of the English-speaking world combined, a dubious title it since lost to Australia.
Guide To Being English
- Be a wanker
- Get pwned by America
- Be a Facist
- Be a sheep
- Start verbal fights
- Drive a German car
- Be ugly as fuck
- Visit an Irish pub for a Belgian beer
- On the way home purchase either fish and chips (invented by spic Jews), an Indian curry, a Turkish kebab, or a Chinese takeaway. Though probably the curry, because they fucking rock and taste better than any fucking thing originating anywhere within about a thousand miles of England, whose national "cuisine" centers profoundly on nasty shit, boiled until at least it doesn't taste of anything.
- Eat said food while sitting on a Swedish sofa while watching American programs on a Japanese television
- Steal Genoese flags and Czech coats of arms and pretend that they are yours
- Bitch about the Boston Tea Party.
- If living in
BradfordNorwich: marry your cousin. No exceptions. - Be suspicious of all things foreign, yet forgetting your gene pool has seen more foreign sperm than Paris Hilton.
- Worship St. George who was a sandnigger who had nothing to do with England. Then bitch about how Englishness is being taken away from you because sandniggers are restricting your right to worship a sandnigger who had nothing to do with England.
- Believe that England will win every sporting event, and send death threats to someone when it doesn't happen. Riot when you lose. Or when you win. Travel to international games not so much to see the match as to fuck up the city center and throw bricks and bottles at the local police afterwords. Sing ingenious songs on the terraces such as the unforgettable "I'd rather be a Paki than a Turk", premiered while playing Turkey.
- Criticize Americans for engaging in irresponsible imperialistic adventurism while forgetting that America is the product of irresponsible imperialistic adventurism on the part of the English.
- Dress in a tracksuit or other sporting gear but don't actually get any exercise
- Never go to the dentist/orthodontist for the remainder of your life
- It is mandatory to never brush one's teeth. Ever.
- Complain about the weather when it rains. Complain about the weather when it's sunny; despite the fact that England invented rain and as such is entitled to it all day, every day.
- Leech off the state
- Listen exclusively to Radio 4.
HAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCKS COCKSIt's a spiffing good listen and a rollocking good time can be had. - Be a fat, ugly moron - this comes with a bonus of getting you instant popularity in Britain.
- Learn the offside rule, the LBW law and the diffrence between league and union.
Bum Secks
In 1966 England passed a Sexual Offenses Act that legalized homosexual buttsecks for men over 21 provided it occurred only in private (defined therein as a place either man owned, and which housed nobody but the participants). Heterosexuals had to wait another twenty-eight years to legally get it in the ass. Woman on woman anal penetration was declared illegal by Henry VIII. While this rule largely remains unenforced, it has never been overturned by the British courts or by the Church of England.
However, during Queen Victoria's rule, her advisers brought her a law to sign that would render all queer sex illegal. None of her advisers had the balls to explain quite how lesbianism worked to the Queen, so it was let slip. Lesbianism was legal by omission, for the simple reason that nobody knew quite how to describe the act of tribbing to HRH. This marks one of those moments in history during which lesbian invisibility has been a boon to lesbians. It is also said that hot girl on girl action is superior to guy on guy sex, which is not awesome.
Political Correctness Gone Mad
- Common Sense - Is now not allowed to be used in classrooms. Because England is so multi-cultural, there apparently is no 'common sense' anymore.
- The English Flag - Was said to be 'inciting racial hatred' in a Northern town when the World Cup was on. Subsequently, the inhabitants were not allowed to wave their own country's flag. It would be racist! The Mozzer got into some trouble for dressing himself in it at least one hundred years ago.
- Baa Baa Black Sheep is now banned from being sung in primary schools. What a bad example it would set to our children. As a replacement, the Jim Davidson wrote the charming ditty "Burn the Niggers" to be sung daily by schoolchildren everywhere; it reflects an ethos which can be embraced by people of all races. At least, all the races who are actually in school.
- Everything in England will soon be illegal; Splitting the country between being either wanted criminals or docile and complacent Labour voters.
However, in a reaction to this, noted Tory, twit, and Sodomite David Cameron is unbearably popular, and it is not an overreach to foresee a future where he, not Elizabeth II, is Queen of England. Tony Blair has not denied that he may accept the offer to be David's King.
Body structure
The English are asymmetrical along the body, meaning that the left part is not a mirror image of the right. They do not have hardened exoskeletons, which results in horrible skin conditions. They breathe via their lungs through their permanently flared nostrils.
Their bodies can be classified into three major parts: head, abdomen and limbs. The limbs, one pair each of legs and arms, attach directly to the head. The Queen is responsible for laying the thousands of eggs required for replacing workers lost in Iraq. The number of males is generally low because only one male is needed for the entire reproductive process. Despite this, all English people, regardless of sex, are referred to as Englishmen. This is probably due to the fact that all Limey females appear to be male.
Contrary to what most people believe, the English do not bite. They use their jaws to anchor themselves and then, using their strong mandibles, attach themselves to their food and tear at it with their limbs. As a result the average Englishman is in severe need of dental hygiene. They have yet to discover the scientific technology known as orthodontics, steadfastly insisting that cosmetic surgery is only for prostitutes.
British women, however, are usually an exception to this rule: they are famous throughout the world for their magnificently long faces and even longer, gold-colored teeth, valued especially in Africa, where lack of proper farming tools is the chief agricultural problem of many countries.
Language
The English are most recognizable for speaking in any one of their hyper-specialized accents, the most notable being Cockney, Low-bred and Pompous Jackass. Cockney (lol, cocks) is probably the only one worth elaborating on, as it is the most specialized. The first thing a Cockney speaker will do is replace every "t" with an apostrophe (e.g. apostrophe -> apos'rophe) unless that "t" is at the end of a word such as is found in the ever-present ancillary contraction, "innit". The second unique feature of Cockney is that it uses rhyming slang which is more long-winded than the word for which it is being substituted. For instance, instead of saying "stairs" a cockney speaker would say "apples and pears".
Americans acknowledge two British accents; cockney and posh. The other abundance of accents away from London are unacknowledged due to their ignorance and belief in stereotypes the fact that no one in the world gives a shit.
British Humo(u)r
The British are among the most cheerful and humo(u)rous people in the world. When in Britain and among the British, whether you'll find yourself robbed by them, cheated by them, scammed by them, abused by them, insulted by them, knifed by them in the back on the London subway, or encouraged to commit suicide by them, you can be certain that in every such situation, you will hear many a merry laughter and amusing jokes and witticisms, spoken in a variety of hilarious English accents.
British Television
Recent research by British Scientists has discovered large amounts of a physical phenomenon called "suck" emanating from British Television. British citizens (or people unlucky enough to be in Britain) must watch one of many channels named with the "BBC (X)" naming convention. If you don't like what's on BBC 1, turn it to BBC 2; they'll have something that definitely is not about redecorating a house or a room therein.
British Scientists also learned how to pipe this Vortex of Suck to the USA. The average Dish Network or DirecTV now has an extra channel to skip over in search of mediocre soft core Cable porn or SpongeBob Squarepants. Fortunately, the pipes are a bit leaky, or else Americans would be seeing shit like Little Britain, but are still strong enough to contain the win that is Top Gear.
Channel 4 is another television channel in England where it's main shows are about freaks and filming freaks 24/7. They also air the English version of Big Brother. To become a house mate on Big Brother you must either have the biggest breasts for miles, claim to be a gay or have sucked cock for money. Fucktards are also welcome, and if you have all three qualities you are likely to be jumped and put in the house by force.
The most popular TV show in England is "Rainbow", which teaches young British viewers the importance of taking their twangers out and banging with them, playing each other's pipes, plucking away and playing with their balls. Srsly, watch it here.
Special Note: British Comedian and Prime Minister Hugh Laurie actually trolled American TV by pretending to be an Americunt and getting a part on the famous Sci-Fi show House MD. He was subsequently charged for his crime of defecting to the filthy, fat Amerykanz and brought back to England via a Vauxhall Saturn car (We don't want your stinking, good quality foreign cars, Johnny Foreigner--we'll stick to our shitty, outdated ones). (Although, moar hilariously, the British are too dumb to know that the 100% British Vauxhall cars are actually shittier versions of the German Opel models, only with a different badge and the steering wheel moved to the wrong side. But HA! In a twist of fate Opel is owned by GM, therefore making all of that irrelevant!)
People from England
- Angela
- David Cameron
- TM
- Richard Dawkins
- The Young Ones
- OldDirtyBtard
- Abdul
- Dangasm
- Kurtbatz
- BNP
- Younger Woolwich Boyz
- Sceptre
- The Royal Family
- Gaaralover85
- Jonathan King
- Rick Astley
- Heather Howland
- Reeve
- You
- America
English Inventions
- Great Britain
- Scotland
- Ireland
- Dragons
- Glamrock
- The Sandwich
- United States
- Unwarranted Self Importance
- teh gay
- Numberwang
- Nearly every sport in the world, which is ironic as they now suck at all of them.
- The NHS
- Most laughable cultural movements; chavs are examples of this.
- Educational youth videos
- Jade Goody
Trolling the English
Insult the royal family and the British empire on this forum
- Most British car enthusiasts congregate on this forum [1] as well most of the Eurotrash of the Internets. Since they pretend to be serious, a good way to troll them is get as random as you can.
- Many British lol-cows congregate on TSR forums, principally to discuss how to survive with the complete absence of oral hygiene.
Ask them is the know that definition of the following English terms. Ask them if they know the definition of the following English terms:
-Contraction(50% of the time will refer to it as "Wut HaPpenz wen u have a baby)
-Conjunction
-Interjection
-Adjective
-Conjugation (97% of the time they will not know)
- Spell through as thru, rough as ruff, tough as tuff, though as tho, etc.
- Ask them what periodontitis feels like.
- Question how a nation with no Army (but help from the French) could withstand the super-power of the world and later gain their independence, only for the British to come back in 1812 and burn down the Whitehouse and most of Washington, and steal Detroit (only to return the shithole for obvious reasons).
- After a heated discussion, tell that you know why they are mad, after a short pause say that is because of the Boston Tea Party. Tell them that they are NEVER going to get that tea back and that it is in our harbor, and it will stay there forever.
- Tell them to pick a fucking name for their country: England, Britain, Great Britain, the UK, what the FUCK is it? Answer: barely any of them actually know or care, due to their intense hatred of every other part of the country.
- Suggest that England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland are all in fact the same country. Although they are united under the same government and so by definition are one country, their prior noted hatred of every other part of the country coupled with strong senses of regional pride makes them sure to explode with rage when this fact is revealed to them.
- Tell them they are European. When they go onto the "the English are not European" rant, show them an atlas.
- Inform them that if it were not for 'mericans they would be worshiping Hitler instead of a long line of inbred fucks.
- Let them know that the English would not have a slim girlish figure if they had women that could cook a decent meal.
- Remind them their shitty country was conquered by the French.
Gallery of England
 English House of Parliament. |
 How to treat an english woman. |
 Elton John - the true Queen of England. |
|
 England's gross national product - English humor. |
 Typical British citizen in his natural habitat |
 Typical representatives of the self-proclaimed Imperial Seat of European Civilization. |
 The British are renowned for their high dental standards. |
 |A kilt wearer exposes his genitals next to the queen of Britain. |
 Thankful for being given old rusty junk from US Army surplus, the SAS, British special forces, undergo the strictest training to ensure EPIC PWNAGE by shooting their enemies in the dick. |
 Favo(u)rite pastime of young Englishmen. |
 Hot (to a typical braindead 12 year old white girl) British guy. |
