The English
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Not to be confused with The Scots, The Irish or The Welsh -or 'Brits' for that matter- The English (or Englishmen) live in a part of Great Britain called England. A veritable cornucopia of inbred animals (from London's Cockney yobs to Liverpool's Scouse gits to Newcastle's Geordie hordes), The English are a shit sandwich made of poor, filth, racism and Chav scum.
Alcohol is the glue that binds English society, and is the only drug that makes accociating with their cold and arrogant countrymen bearable.
Contents |
[edit] North and South
Like the USA, Britain has its own North/South political, cultural, and economic divides. Except in the UK, all the inbreds live in the NORTH, and anyone who has money, and hasnt fucked his sister, lives in the South.
[edit] Geordies
A Geordie is, like all English, a worthless, dirt-poor faggot. Like everyone else in the entire bloody country, they are under the mistaken belief that Newcastle is the finest city in the world, just because they happened to be born there. In its natural habitat, the Geordie can be found staggering around the streets blind drunk at 11am, picking fights with random people and shrieking unintelligible bullshit at one another. Whilst such behaviour would be acceptable in the Scots, being (nominally) English, the Geordie has no excuse. The Geordie will threaten you with violence with almost no provocation. HAHAHAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS
[edit] Felixstowe
Felixstowe is a small to medium to large to small again sized town situated on the south Suffolk coast, England.
It is the most generic representation of and English sea-side resort. The town is most noted for it almost phenomnal lack of anything...
Notable Residents
Felixstowe does not so much have distinguishable individuals, as much as a constant, never ceasing blur of bland and lifeless inhabbitants.
Once, in the Summer of 1962, someone saw a cat.
Life in Felixstowe
The town boasts three main educational establishments: Two High Schools (Orwell and Deben, so named after the two steaming rivers of piss that surround the town), and a third, more popular institution: The Arcades.
It is here that Felixstowe's Chavish offspring learn the many skills and abilities that will see them through their impending first stay at Her Majesty's Pleasure.
However, it is Orwell High School that stil continues to defy all attempts to maintain an effecient schoolign system in Felixstowe. This is not to say the institution is without its own achievements.
Arguably, one of the greatest students to have ever graduated from this fabled establishment is Mark Lankester, who excelled at chemistry. He is now, of course, a world famous Brain surgeon who in his spare time reads to the deaf, and fosters children from deprived areas such as west Yorkshire (specifically the white rose area) He is also married to world renowned martial arts expert Matthew Parker. Mark was particuarly noted for his star crossed partnership with Mr D. J. Travers, who sadly perished in the infamous 'Room G6 Incident". He is now comemorated by a 15ft bronze statue on the Netball courts, which the caretaker was quoted to have said is "A fitting tribute to a truely Heroic Chemist". Science has since been banned throughout Suffolk.
Another student who you may have read about in the tabloids is Alex Wold: Who was controversially voted 111th person you most love to hate in a recent channel 4 poll, mainly due to his love rat antics and general sexual excess (hence the gout).
Also Jonathon Neill, just because.
Despite various certificates being issued, and occasional claims of pupils recieving and education at Orwell High school...As of yet, no proof is to be found.
Life expectancy in Felixstowe, like all seaside towns, is suprisingly high, in fact 150 years above the national average. Residents can be expected to live into their mid 230's, many still actively involved in vandelism. Making the never ending task of maintaining the Town's unique Smeg-Houses a risky choice for those few residents lucky enough to own their own home.
[edit] Manchester/Mancuntians
Home to the Manchester United soccer football team, which is worshipped by all 13 year old boys and other fags. Unfortunately none of them seem to realise it's shit and no-one cares. No-one actually wants to live in Manchester owing to the fact that it's a shithole, and it was recently voted the 17th worst place to live in the UK (pipped to the post by, suprise fucking suprise: Middlesborough). All true Mancuntians support Manchester City (they can't afford United tickets), and Manchester United's closest fan lives in Guatemala.
[edit] Liverpool/Scousers
Home to possibly the second most annoying accent found in the UK, the first being that of Geordies. The European Capital of Culture 2008 (WTF?), "Liverpool is diverse, energetic and exciting", and apart from look at some boats and throw stones at seagulls there's nothing much to do there.
p.s Scouse girls are fucking filthy, and ALL scouse men are violent, and deal cocaine. Do not EVER trust a scouser. Luckily, they were cursed with THAT accent, so they should be pretty easy to spot. Even the posh ones sound fucking poor.
[edit] Birmingham/Brummies
Birmingham was a massive industrial centre in the past, and as a result, the whole city (and the sky above it) remains a shitty shade of grey ALL THE TIME. It is this dreary industrial heretige that inspired 4 young men from Aston to invent "heavy metal", so if you really want to blame anyone for the emo fad, then you know where to point your pitchforks.
It is also home to "Brum" a weird yellow car that had it's own television series around 100 years ago. It drove round and pissed everyone off and its owner never knew that it was really alive and could talk and everything.
In a recent nationwide poll, the Brummie accent was voted "least trustworthy" of UK accents.
[edit] Coventry/ ???
The ancient Coventry city is located just south east of Birmingham, right next to Birmingham's "arsehole" (if you imagine Birmingham is bending over, facing left, and you are viewing her in profile).
Coventry just "appeared" on the map in 1043, after a drunken Benedictine monk mistook a cartographers note book for a "scroll" of medieval toilet paper. This is why Coventry is shaped like a smear of shit. Nobody has any explanation as to why it still smells this way, 1000 years later. The monk was also married to the legendary Lady Godiva, who is famous locally for publicly having unprotected sex with a horse (a.k.a bareback horseriding).
Coventry has always been hated by the rest of the country, so much so, the phrase "sent to Coventry" has evolved into the national phrase for losing.
According to Indopedia.org, The phrase "sent to Coventry" originated during the English Civil War, It is claimed that the phrase grew out of the hostile attitude of residents of the city to either the troops billeted there or the Royalist prisoners held there in St. John's church, for whom being "sent to Coventry" was quite an ordeal.
Peoples hatred for Coventry didn't end there however, as it was HEAVILY bombed during World War 2 (despite Ben Affleck's contribution to the war effort). Coventry was a major industrial centre during WW2, so was a prime target for Nazi espionage. Apparently the Nazi spys were so appalled at Coventry's nightlife and local women, that they decided to implement their own eugenic masterplan ON THE SPOT, by radioing home and asking the Luftwaffe to sort things out.
[edit] Londoners/Cockneys
It's representative of how utterly worthless the rest of the UK is that out of a population of approximately 60 million people, 10 million live in one city.
There are three types of people living in England's capital; Londoners, Cockneys and bum-fucking Niggers. Actually, you could break the nigger group down into Pakis, chinks and white niggers, but you wouldn't get on a bus with any of them, so why bother? The half of London with a job always fears that the junglebunnies will eventually swell their dole-sucking numbers to saturation point, but since most of them are too busy stabbing each other and engaging in typical Nigra pastimes, there's no time left to get the hos pregnant.
London was famously pwnt back in 1666 by some retard of a baker setting his house on fire. The Lord Mayor was summoned away from important administrative business to examine the blaze. Seeing the potential for lulz, he remarked "A woman might piss it out" and went back to his faggotry. This was the first time that the population of London realised that building houses out of dry wood and straw might not be the wisest of ideas, but they didn't figure this out until 75% of the city had been destroyed. This left tens of thousands of idiot Cockneys homeless, so they did the only sensible thing available to them; rounded up the frogs and clog-jockeys, then banned them IRL.
[edit] Country Bumpkins
A country bumpkin (or simply 'cunt') is any person who lives in the South and isn't from London. You can tell of a persons country bumpkin origins if they sound like they have a severe speech impediment and/ or drive a tractor/Range Rover. When their not busy culling their thousands of BSE infected livestock, country bumpkins spend most of their spare time drinking cider and fucking sheep.
[edit] Mackem/Sunderland
A poor man's Geordie.
[edit] Goole/Goolies
A very poor man's Sunderland, Goole is located in "East Riding of Yorkshire" (up north), and it's residents are referred to (by themselves, with no trace of irony), as "Goolies". Geographically, Goole is located near Englands North-East coast, within Britain's "armpit".
According to TOW, "Goole achieved notoriety in 2000 for having the highest proportion of drug-related deaths in Britain - 13 times the national average. Although only 2 per cent of the population of the county lives there, the town is home to 12 per cent of the region's heroin users."
Due to the lack of ANY education system in Goole (or indeed, up North), it is said that the only succesful way out of Goole, is to kill yourself with drugs, and hope that the coroner takes your body to a nicer town, 200 miles away.
Nobody outside of Goole has EVAR heard of Goole. This is helped by the fact that Goolies have no internets, electricity, or even gas lamps. A bit liek M.Night.Shamalalalaians "The Village".
