Canadia
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
It's a holy planet of our Lord the Emperor that guards the Eye of Terror or something like that, they're quite cool as they're like U.S soldiers and that makes them better (they have English accents though which is weird cuz they're Americans)
Sometimes referred to as "Northern America", "Ca-nada", "Canawduh", "Gaynadia", "Can'tada", "Soviet Canuckistan", "America Jr.", "America Lite", "The Skinny America", "Diet America", "America's Hat", "Fake-USA", "The flea on America's ass", "U.S.EH", "the US of EH", "That big blank space between normal people and Alaska", "America's scapegoat", "America's fro", or "The 51st State." Canadia is a country located immediately north of the United States, starting directly above Portland, Maine. The two nations share a lot of similarities, because Canucks lack any culture and must imitate Americans. However, notable differences are that Canadia is always cold and has a different currency — called "dollarettes" — which, after a long history of being buttsecksed by the US dollar, are now just finally becoming about even in value are worth moar. Many LJ users are from Canadia. It is hated by the Westboro Baptist Church due to its high population of fags and Cunucians (as we call them).
Because they have even shittier TV programming than UPN, people in Canadia are often not as stupid as people in Alabama. Unless they actually watch television. Then that makes them just behind Pakistani border people in terms of stupidity.
Next to hockey, the favorite Canadian past time is looking down on the American media, even though most Canadians would rather chew on used syringes than actually watch a Canadian movie or TV show.
Citizens of Canadia are often referred to as "Canadians," "Canadianans," "Canadianese," "Canadiananalists," "Canadorks," "Canidiots," "Canuckistanis," "Mother Canuckers," "Ice Niggers," or "Slush Niggers" depending on where in Canadia they live, although the official term is "Canadans." No one knows where the "i" went, so don't ask. Those of French ancestry are called "Canadois". In the United States, it is illegal to be Canadan. On the reverse side, privileged White liberal American pinkos sleep safe in the knowledge that, should it all go to shit, they can always deposit 400k into a Canadin bank, take one up the ass and get instant Canadan citizenship.
Canadians believe they enjoy a majority of French, or English ancestry but a billion Hong Kongers and Pakis moved there last Thursday, vastly outnumbering the multicultural whiteys. At least the Spics and Niggers can't stand the cold, amirite?
Canadians Have an inch thick atmosphere around them that secretes unimportant enzymes, but when this enzyme hits our atmosphere it mutates into AIDS. Not only that but Canadians infected 3 billion people with the Parasite.
You know you're in Canada when you come across road signs that say "Moose Jaw" or "White Horse" and "Red Deer".
In Canada, Thanksgiving comes in October.
Also in Canada demons from hell come and rape everbody every 42 days to keep everyone in check as the people and goverment agreed.
[edit] Government
Until Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper came to power after performing a successful mind meld on Rex Murphy, Canadia was officially governed by the Rhinoceros Party of Canada.
However, Canadia is secretly controlled by the Brits in a secret nanny state commonwealth ruled by our great and glorious Queen Elizabeth II. Jeah! God Save the Queen. Say it, you Murrican fecker.
[edit] Social policy
Long known for its population's weakness and propensity for cutting, Canadia has instituted a communist healthcare system. This means that while no one has to directly pay for medical treatment, Canadans have a tax rate of 109%. There are plentiful and free abortions, resulting in both low crime rates and decreased niggerdom, so there is an upside. So if your into Goatse and your anus rips you can get stitched back together for free. Plus the free medium-grade drugs aren't that bad either.
In addition, it is the decree of Canadia's Archbishop of Health Care that all Canadans must hoard flu shots for use as salad dressing and personal lubricant.
Canadia has the highest population of homosexuals of any country in the world. Using terrorist threats (specifically, Celine Dion), Gaynadians forced the Queen to legalize gay marriage, effectively ending Canadan society and instituting mass anarchy. While no one has yet been killed, there have been several "ambush makeovers". When gay marriage was legalized, many of the homosexuals decided to celebrate by building a large, penis shaped building in downtown Toronto. However, the Arabs later outdid the Gaynadan construction workers, by building an even bigger tower in Dubai; just going to show that they're trying to compensate for something that they desperately lack.
| —Anoymous |
| —Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada (When asked why he doesn't speak French) |
[edit] Geography
Canadia is the second-largest country on Earth in terms of land-area. That is, if you consider frozen water to be land. But since only about .01 percent of that land-area is not a permanently frozen shithole, this honor really doesn't amount to much. Plus, this benefit of a large landmass means little for defensive purposes. However, uneasy and intimidated Canadians sometimes spout out, "Our country is bigger than the US!" believing that this somehow means they are more powerful. Other Canadans just say this in attempt to salvage their pathetic Canadian dignity, even though they know full-well that if the US decided to, they could easily invade and conquer Canada in a short amount of time (starting shortly after breakfast with "mission accomplished" sometime before lunch). Unless they release the beavers, in which case everyone is fucked.
Oh, yeah Americunts, like you tried in 1812. You already lost 3m000 men to sand niggers, and the Canadians have tanks. And while you attack Canada, Mexico will probably invade just for the lulz, and Russia would take Alaska back.
[edit] Economy
Canadia is always cold, so its primary export is ice and ice-related products (like ice hockey and iceberg lettuce). Canadia is also the world's primary producer of Slurpees, which, despite the weather, can be enjoyed from any of the country's several thousand 7-11 or Tim Horton's establishments. Often, Canadans use Slurpees to warm themselves on cold winter nights.
Canadia's other main export products include animal cruelty, mediocrity, Rush, and Celine Dion CDs. They did not want Dion in the first place, and exported her at one point to the USA, but since then have bought most of her back in the form of digital media. They use her to scare away caribou and heterosexual men.
Canadia is best known for being America's bitch in nearly all areas of economics. 99.99% of Canadia's national income comes from wealthy American tourists and investors while the other 99.98% of it comes from the mineral rights stolen from Lakotastan. They even get ecto-nomically bitchslapped by the USA, having only 1/3 as many ghosts per family household.
Even though Canadia only has 33 million people its dollar is worth roughly that of the U.S', who are plagued by more than 300 million niggers. This lulz is often used to fuel canindians houses during the long winters.
Basement Pot Farms account for about 110% of the average personal income and are the only sector of the economy still in private hands. This will end soon, however, since pot farms are to be imminently socialized and integrated into the Supreme Church of Healthcare and Discotheque.
[edit] Other notable Canadan exports
- Oil
- Comedians
- Maple Syrup
- Lolicon
- Mad cow disease
- Hockey players
- Ginger Ale
- B.C. bud (Marijuana)
- LSD
- Toques
- William Shatner
[edit] Culture
Canadia is a cultural wasteland as they have none at all, except they call their Eskimos by some madeup word that isn't even English. "Indigenous" Meaning something that supposed to mean something. Being so close to America that's mostly what they are all about. Sometimes they like to pretend they're Brits by spelling things funny but even their Queer French have their own separatist homeland. Wussies. Some French fags have to raise shit every 5 years or so to make their balls feel big because even France doesn't want them back.
Their communist government, in order to pretend Canadia has something to say about itself, actually pays Canadans to be artists and documentary film-makers. They've managed to get their "art" into America via a method too subtle for America's Department of Homeland Security to detect - they give it away to the most obvious failures of American capitalism: PBS and pubic schools.
One of Canadia's most cherished foods is apple-sauce.
In the 80s Canadia almost forced a coup d'etat in American radio. They taxed themselves to bankruptcy in order to finance paying American radio stations to play Bryan Adams songs. They paid off rambling Rolling Stone commentators to give Bryan Adams good reviews, and gave free vacations to everyone at MTV if they would go along and pretend Bryan Adams was hip - as if the Canadan "Summer of 69" was anything other than pretending they weren't smelly expatriate draft-dodging American hippies. To this day the entire country lives off the royalty checks from the RIAA every time a Bryan Adams song gets played on a Fox reality show like "Skating with Celebrities".
But mostly they sit at home drinking beer and watching hockey or getting on the internet and bitching about everything. Canadians are generally bitchy because it snows all 365 days a year and their women are always bundled like beekeepers just to take a shit.
Canadians also invented the mullet decades before Americunt white trash ever did. This is not something they should be proud of. Canada is also usually about 10 years behind America in culture.
[edit] List of 10 famous Canadans
- Celine Dion
- Mike Myers
- Wolverine (It's where all of the military might and awesome went)
- Thing 1
- Captian James T. Motherfucking Kirk.
- Captain Malcolm Reynolds
- Pedobear
- Niel Young
- Hitler
- ????
- PROFIT!
Note that the United States' "witness re-location program" ex-patriates Americans to Canada so they may live anonymously as famous Canadians.
- Rush does not count.
- Neither do Celine Dion, Triumph, Bryan Adams, or Corey Hart. The Guess Who is right out.
- Wayne Gretzky moved to America, and even if he didn't give up citizenship, fuck him.
- Alexander Graham Bell went to America with his telephone once, making him a staunch Yankee.
- As for Pamela Anderson, only her tits are famous, and those were most likely made in Lapunta.
- Steven Jay Page, Canadian "musician" and lead singer/guitarist/songwriter of the most famous music group you've never heard of, the Barenaked Ladies (the ones that did that song "One Week" — you know, somethingsomethingsomethingITS THE FINEST OF THE FLAVORS). Most famous for his July 2008 arrest in upstate New York for partaking in a little Colombian fairy dust. Currently free on bail, but will likely soon find out what happens to Canadidians in American jails.
Some argue that Canada's recently elected President, Chuggo, is the only famous Canadian.
[edit] Mostly known for
- Having a pathetic and laughable military.
- Being close to the United States.
- Igloos in the north.
- Ricky, Bubbles, Julian and J-Roc (also known as The Fantastic Four)
- Being gay.
- Having buttsecks with beavers
- looking at Ben Ferris in shower
- Lumberjacks in the west (see Monty Python)
- The antics of the cast of Corner Gas in the bigger then Texas Canadian Prairies.
- Newfies in the east.
- Trailer park meth labs (see "Newfies").
- Brightly colored police uniforms that make them all look like gay idiots (Mounties).
- Having three names for the hooded sweatshirt: hoodie, Bunnyhug, and hooded sweatshirt.
- Saying "Hoser" and "Eh?" until you want to apply a hammer directly to their forehead.
- Using a completely wussy temperature system, AKA Celsius. Celsius is uses the boiling and freezing points of water for its 0 and 100 marks, whereas Fahrenheit is based on (undrinkable) alcohol. Who's cool now Canadia?
- Hating liberty and using the metric system.
- producing mediocre actors (William Shatner) who cant...talk at...the normal...rate and believing they are better then ur average teabag.
- Believing that 'Your' is spelled with more than two letters, the dumbshits.
- 2 drunk Canuckistanis who showed up on tv one day
- Frolicking with the beavers, geese, moose and the like.
- Having meals consisting of Canadian bacon and a glass of maple syrup.
- Hockey lockouts.
- Unleashing the demon queen Celine Dion upon an unsuspecting world.
- Pretending they are people.
- Storing milk in bags.
- Harvesting beavers for gay clothing.
- Unity (see flame wars).
- Having a lot of Basement dwellers.
- Being America's hat.
- Being invented by liberal Americunts so they have a place in which to dodge the draft.
- Being the vacation destination of choice for every Brit too retarded to commit a felony and get sent to Australia.
- Space Moose
- 420chan
- Selling Bush overpriced oil.
- Eating ketchup-flavoured potato chips
- Replacing the word "Americans" with "americunts" on Encyclopedia Dramatica
[edit] List of favorite Canadan sports
- Beer drinking
- Hockey
- Taxidermy
- Pogroms
- Sodomy
- Puffin-Fu
- "Curling" (only
CanadiansLimeys know what it is) - Taking LSD and doing snow angels under the Northern Lights
- Chewing spouse's mukluks at dawn so they will be soft enough to wear
- Elk milking
- Building ice-forts to keep Niggers out
- Drinking a case of Labatt's while listening to police radio scanners all night waiting for something, anything illegal to happen
- Beating geese in your 1000 hectare backyard with a badminton racket
- Watching web-cams all day
- Debating the validity of a government run alcohol industry
- Developing improvisational comedy routines
- "Poutine" parties
- Cute-baby-seal-slaughtering
- Scrimshaw
- Maple Syrup chugging
- Asking about the weather where someone else is
- Hating americunts
[edit] Major cities
The only major cities in Canadia are Vancouver, which is the only Canadian city that is not run over by a glacier during winter. Montreal, though located within the country's borders, actually belongs to France, Toronto (which has roughly a tenth of Canada's population) is identical to New York (except that in New York you have black folks rapping about fucking bitches, and in Toronto you have AHHH! C'MON FUCK A GUY), Calgary A.K.A. Cowgary, has established itself as the conservative 'racing stripe' of Canadia's toilet bowl (I mean, for the love of god, people wear cowboy clothing all year round there.), Ottawa does not exist (because Toronto, of course, is the center of the universe), and Edmonton, as the newest Major city of Canadia, got pwned by West Edmonton Mall and collapsed.
[edit] Deadmonton
Edmonton aka Deadmonton is known for a strategy inspired by Vader over 100 years ago implementing the Alberta Eugenics Board. This led to the Retard Sterilization Act of Alberta, aka the Cleansing of the yewth of Single Mothers, as well as a special program used to breed superpeople. Edmonton-programmed superfags have gone on to represent Edmonton propaganda in the media as Tommy Chong (Cheech & Chong) and Nathan Fillion. Similar to the Weapon X program, Fillion upheld the mantle of ass-kicking in the prestigious field of captains in sci-fi, one of Edmonton's major exports, ultimately replacing the Shatner. Sci-fi as a natural resource affects much of Edmonton's other industries and culture, inspiring such as the rock band The James T. Kirks and Fractal Pattern. Edmonton began a pilot project to help Montréal develop its sci-fi industry and lent a Québécois virgin Alberta DNA which was used to genetically engineer Geneviève Bujold, who was to helm Star Trek: Voyager. But the position was ultimately lost to Kate Mulgrew. From then on, it's been proven that the French can't do anything right. This is why Albertans instead used Chinese as slaves to build their railroads.
Vidya gaem company BioWare pwnz everything south of the North Saskatchewan River. Once a well-respected tundra empire, they're about to suck all kinds of suck now that the dark overlords at Electronic Assholes have taken over. North Edmonton should be fighting to reclaim the territory, but are too stupid to fuckin know what's at stake.
Wolverine is also from Edmonton. He often spoke to elementary schools as part of a municipal government PSA service has inspired the city to become the nation's murder capital and favourite among young murderers.
Most recently, Edmonton let loose the Windigo, a lesser awesomer version of Cthulhu from cold, shitty lands (such as Edmonton, Alberta), which possessed Vince Weiguang Li leading him to behead some poor bus passenger whom he then ate the flesh of. Do. Not. Fuck. With. Windigo.
Historically, the Nazis ran secret hockey programs in Edmonton. Started as the Edmonton Swastikas women's hockey team, the women players eventually gave birth to the likes of Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier.
[edit] Toronto
Home of Chuggo.
[edit] Halifax
[edit] Armed forces
Canadia's only Military Victory in their history was during WWII. But this means little because the United States paid for their entire war budget (including that of Britain, France and Russia) and supplied the then poverty-ridden Canadians with all of their weapons, supplies, ammunition and food.
Canadians falsely suggest that Canadia had a more important role in WWII than the United States, claiming that since they joined the war slightly earlier than the US, this somehow means they did more. But during WWII, the only time Canadians won a battle was either when they were commanded by US forces, had US forces do all the hard work, or when the enemy laughed themselves to death from the sight of Canadan troops. When Canadians were fighting independently they just ran around screaming "What do we do, eh?" The times when Canadia played a bigger role, usually US soldiers would kill the enemy, secure a town and move on while the Canadians occupied the town and proceeded to eat maple syrup and proclaim victory. Oh they also did the heavy lifting in Belgium but it was only because they needed maple syrup for their waffles.
Oh, there was the War of 1812, where they (British) burned down the White House... no wait they didn't, they only slightly razed it, and it stood standing). This was a retaliatory act after Americans looted, and burned down York after it surrendered. York (present-day Toronto) was Canadias capital at the time, making it hilarious for Canadians to gloat about "burning down the White House" considering A) it didn't happen that way, but the British did most of it and B) the Canadian capital surrendered to US forces long before then, meaning Canada was pwned far harder than anyone else in that war.. People are just too fucking lazy to pick up a history book. Canuch militia and British forces attempted to invade New Orleans, only to receive one of the most epic buttrapes in the history of war (at least so we must believe not to pwn ourselves in shame).
Canadia is currently undertaking a massive project in their armed forces division. They have bred over 2 million beavers with lasers embedded in their tails. It has been long known that the Canadians are at one with the beaver and the two have had an easy truce since the countries inception, but this latest movement could mean doom for the world. Along with the beavers, the Canadian Forces have secured a number of polar bears that have been bread with Nazis to create the new military division called the 1st Polar Nazi Brigade. They are currently stationed on the US border in order to deter the Hollywood Jews from filming further in Toronto (which is currently populated by the Cloverfield monster).
Despite what is written above, Canadians believe they have the best military snipers in all the world because of an isolated event where a Canadian soldier shot an already-dead Taliban fighter from over 2km away. Seriously, some argue that I once saw a fucking psycho 13 year old hunting squirrels with 12" crossbow bolts up there. It is unknown where Canadians gained this ability since there are no gun stores in Canada, although it is suspected that beavers, Rocky and Bullwinkle and stray kangaroos played a part. Others argue it's sheer fucking boredom that drives them to get good at something that doesn't have the words "hockey" or "beer" in it, as can be seen during WW's when they ditched the standard issue pointy sicks for some Brit rifles.
Inexplicably, however, during international war games, Canadia seems to win every time (they enjoy taking close up pics of Amerifags ship hulls from their broke ass subs that are apparently fucking sneaky when they aren't on fire). I can't fucking figure it out. The answer probably lies in their machinery turning into high velocity shrapnel half the time. Fucking lowest bidder. Either that or they divided by zero.
[edit] Mounties
Canadia's best means of defense are the elite, strong, and well trained mounties. Better known as horse riding, they number approximately 32 in number and will permaban you from life. The Canadans can't do anything well, no matter how hard they try, except for play hockey and grow trees.
[edit] Trivia
Canadia is bigger and it's on top. If North America were a prison, America would be Canadia's bitch (only in the minds of insecure Canadians though). In reality though, Alaska would be fucking Canada in the ass while America railed Canada's syrupy vagina. Whichever is easier for you to masturbate to.
If the World was a sitcom, Canadia would be America's annoying sister.
Although most people outside of Canadia realize that Canadia barely has the qualifications to be considered a real country in the first place, Canadians are some of the most proud and patriotic people on earth. This is mostly a direct result of Canada's government-controlled media where every newspaper, TV, show, and radio broadcast must meet a quota of pro-Canadian content, to create pride that otherwise couldn't exist. Were it not for this effort to instill Canadian pride and identity, Canadians would be virtually indistinguishable from the Americans that Canadians ignorantly believe are inferior to them.
Canada's north contains a vast armada of woop shooping aeroplanes, capable of ionizing all who oppose them. They are cleverly disguised as snow.
Canada has a vast hidden nuclear arsenal with ICBMs under every Tim Hortons.
[edit] Canucks go for the loli
Canadia has always been known as a liberal country but now they can have their own pedofest due to the legal age of consent being a MONGO sized 14. Now we know what else there is to do in Canadia apart from dog sledding and building igloos.
Age of consent is no longer an epic 14, it is now 16.
CONFIRMED: Canada has one of the worst records in the world on enforcing laws against child-sex tourism. [1]
Last Thursday over 9,000 canucks voted to change the age of consent from 16 to a much more LULZY 3.
[edit] Gallery, eh
 The flag of Canadia |
 O Canada! |
 Typical Canadian |
 Typical Canadians home |
 The Emperor of Canadia |
 Fagged milk. |
 Bagged milk is cheaper, leaving us with more money to buy the things we love. (moar milk) |
 DELICIOUS MILK. I MUST DRINK IT! |
 Something to do with Canada. And boards. |
 What's next? Freedom Fries covered with cheese and gravy? |
 The Soviet Canuckistan Flag |
 For Wapanese-Canadian |
 From a very big "Pro Canada" campaign in Germany. |
 "Canadian" is a race. |
 Oh my, how original. |
|
 OM NOM NOM. |
Canadians, rather than making life easy and storing milk in the traditional way, prefer to use bags.
"lol, it's true..." - Anonymous Canuk
[edit] "Best things about Canada" polls for your voting pleasure
[edit] Other external links
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