Final Fantasy 7
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Released in 1997 on the Sony Playstation, accompanied by a flood of tears from Nintendo fanboys, Final Fantasy VII is a RPG that remains popular even today - due almost entirely to its presence on the Playstation. The main objective of the game is to take turns using your math powers to attack (subtract) your anime opponents until they = zero. It is roughly the equivalent of pleasuring your math professor with a broomhandle while listening to annoying Japanese synth music.
In addition to the gameplay sucking, the story is even more horrible. Final Fantasy 7, as well as all other Final Fantasy games rely on cheap drama and a "deus ex machina," which is the proper term for a plot resolution that requires absolutely no set-up or skill to pull off.
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[edit] The Game
Like any Japanese game that is commercially successful in the US, it spawned a massive cult-following that continues to believe things about the game that have been categorically denied by the programmers, and are not included in the code. See also: Resurrecting Aeris.
Fanboys of this game will stop at nothing to exalt the glories of just about everything that is contained within the three CDs (four in the PC version) that ship with their priceless commercial package. Apart from making over 9000 fanfictions on fanfiction.net alone (note: this is not a wacky meme joke. There are literally more than 9000 fanfics.) endless sites and fanlistings, the online community related to Final Fantasy VII continues to spam falsehoods and banalities on every messageboard of any size on the internet.
All will claim that the game is the most supremely important work of high art since "The Birth of Venus", and that it would translate well into just about any possible device of telling a narrative story. Most will claim that to enjoy the game, an above-average or higher intelligence is needed. Both can be categorically denied, given that the story is a disjointed mess of a generic save-the-world plot, told in increments of three or four lines of dialogue, no coincidence given that this is about the exact mass of information a teenage boy reared on Snickers and early-morning cartoons can take.
The music will be compared to Wagner and Mozart, on the single merit of having a piece with choir and synth orchestra. FFVII fanboys can often be found fagging up the Wikipedia entry on the game, falsely thinking that anyone likely to read the article hasn't played through the game twice already. Desperate to contribute anything to an online encyclopedia about their greatest sacred cow next to Lord of the Rings and Donnie Darko, they will add inane shit like "most final fantasy fans think THIS IS the best game ever! The music is so great and wonderful that many final fantasy fans CRY, and also the dialogue has been compared to the greatest literary novels in history". They fail to mention that the comparison is: "the dialogue in this game is even worse when compared to the greatest literary novels in history".
This game marks the official emo-fication of the Final Fantasy series, focusing more and more on brooding, mysterious cry-baby characters too concerned about their own love-triangles to worry about trivial shit like insane Demi-Gods and gigantic, magical meteorites destroying their planet. They'll get to that later. It's also the first game in the series that encourages players to skip through as much of the gameplay as possible so that they can continue masturbating to cut-scenes.
[edit] Story
The story revolves around a badass uber-soldier with an impossibly giant sword named Cloud Strife, who is found dazed and confused at the railway station by his teenage sweetheart, Tifa Lockheart. Tifa now belongs to the Marxist environmental terrorist group known as AVALANCHE. What AVALANCHE actually stands for is never revealed in the game, but a good guess is "All Valiant Alliances Lose All Nice Convictions, Hug Earwigs."
AVALANCHE is, initially, led by Barret Wallace (AKA: "Mr. T") - it is composed of Tifa; Lard Ass with "Star Wars" Name; Faggot with "Star Wars" Name, and Dumb Lesbian Slut who has always harbored secret fantasies of scissoring Tifa. They trot around Midgar blowing stuff that belongs to the Shinra Corporation (those evil capitalist bastards!) sky high. Mercifully enough, the latter three AVALANCHE members get offed violently by Shinra in the first .1 hour of the game, after which Cloud + gang escape Midgar City for the world beyond - chased by Shinra Corp.'s "Turks", a group of trained secret police. From this point on, the lulz really kick into gear as Cloud's tormented past begins to resurface.
But, we digress. Back to the destruction of state property.
Some time during the blowing-up of power plants, Cloud meets Aeris Gainsborough and develops as much of a love connection with her as an emotionally stunted Japanese man can program into a RPG, which is almost exactly equal to negative none. After she joins the party Aeris lasts about one hour of gameplay before she is killed during a dramatic entrance - one of many - of the alpha bad-guy, Sephiroth.
Many Final Fantasy VII fans will candidly relate that they cried during the funeral scene that followed, which just shows that they have the emotional capacity of a watermelon, and the social cognizance of Nickolaus. A lot of them are emo, too.
The story proceeds through many standard twists and turns, including a sequence in which Cloud sits around doing nothing but staring into outer space and mumbling nonsense that would make an autistic 5-year old look like a Harvard grad . . . until it is revealed that Cloud is a HUEG fucking liar.
It turns out that he was a glorified cannon-fodder soldier that served under both Sephiroth and Aeris's boyfriend Zack. In a psychotic rage, Sephiroth murdered Zack upon finding out that his conception and subsequent birth were the result of a mad scientist fucking a female tentacle monster -- and without protection to boot, how dangerous.
After seeing a weird monster from the center of the earth kill the Shinra Corporation's corrupt board of directors - or in other words, the planet acquiring Shinra through a VERY hostile takeover - and cutting time out of his not-so-busy schedule to take part in the obligatory "No one loves me!!!!" scene, Cloud then goes and confronts Sephiroth at the Northern Crater. There, Sephiroth is planning on inflicting a huge wound to the planet via "Meteor", the Black Materia. This wound will, like the opening in Art Price's picnic table, provide an avenue for Sephiroth to "become one" with the planet. Through this, he has hopes of becoming a god.
Consequently, people that didn't fall victim to the game's ability to suck out brain cells can deduce that Sephiroth's plans amount to a giant skull fuck. (And you thought Greenpeace pansies wanting to intimately know the knotholes of a pine tree were bad?!)
Sephiroth mutates into several forms in order to destroy Cloud's rag-tag band of losers, but at the end of the battle, Cloud symbolically destroys Sephiroth by counter-attacking upon being brutally wounded - thus killing him in the faggiest way possible.
The ending (loved by those who love the lulz) cuts as the meteor is broken apart by flowing white strands; we're suddenly seeing several hundred years into the future, where Red XIII gazes downward upon Midgar City (which is now abandoned and covered in many forms of plant life) with his CHILDREN?! Presumably Red XIII is asexual. Presumably he is able to have puppies with human women.
Or maybe, and this presents itself as a much more likely conclusion to someone who wasn't ditching science class to smoke pot when the teacher gave his lesson on genetics, the story writers of FFVII are idiots since Red XIII is supposed to be the last of his kind.
This long soulful look at the complete dump Midgar has turned into is presumably in preparation to tell his bastard offspring a story about the Circle of Life.
Story immediately followed by the setting of a camp fire, the roasting of S'mores, and lulzes had by all. THE END.
Spoiler Alert: the above text contains plot and/or ending details
So basically it's like watching Akira and Blade Runner fap into each other's faces for 100 hours, only gayer.
[edit] Character Development
Some contend that FF7 has the GREATESTCHARACTERDEVELOPMENTEVAR! Here's a summary of Cloud.
[edit] Cloud
I was an outcast as a kid, but I wanted to impress the girl next door! (REFRESHING~!)
I'ma go join SOLDIER outside of my small hick town to impress this tacked on bimbo character!
I FAILED, I even suck as a grunt!
But . . . I somehow managed to run up a vertical pipe with a Dragon Slayer rip off and pierce the greatest SOLDIER of all time who (According to GAMEFAQS!) can cut at the speed of sound!
Uh-oh, I failed again, time for a Mako body wash.
Well, now I'll get some amnesia and repeat the plot of FFVI with me in place of Terra, and watch some bitch die. It'll be one of the focal points in a movie that will be released, and will suck so badly it goes promptly to DVD, ten years from now.
Cloud, being the dickless wonder he is, wields a big ass butcher knife as compensation.
[edit] Tifa
A whore with big tits who fancies the pants off Cloud, but he's too big of an emo tit to notice, so instead angsts about Sephiroth all the time. She sucks Chocobos off for a living.
"CloRis" fans go menstrual when you even attempt to mention that Cloud may have a thing for Tifa, so be sure to argue this blindly for as long as possible to ensure maximum extraction of lulz.
Final Fantasy VII fans will try to argue that Tifa can beat virtually any videogame female that ever existed, when we all know that Tifa is a pathetic twat. "Ummm Tifa Can SUmMon!11 n use majics!11". At which point she gets a bullet through the head by Lara Croft and then bashed the fuck up by Pai Chan, Alyx Vance and Chun Li. They all piss on her corpse afterwards.
The only thing Tifa is good for is her advanced fisting techniques, which she has used on friend and foe alike.
[edit] Aeris/Aerith/Aerigrabharblbraphl/
ZOMG AERIS DIES! WHERE'S TEH PHOENIX DOWN!?
A flower girl who lives in a church (read: prostitute). Used to fuck Cloud's dead BFF Zack, then joined him after Sephiroth stabbed her with his unnecessarily long sword. They fuck in the afterlife, as pointed out by a scene in Advent Children. Mmm, necro sex.
Weeaboos call her "Aerith" because that's apparently how the Japanese intended it to be spelt, because it means "earth" or some crap. Even worse, Square actually now call her Aerith as well, and also pronounce it the same way (despite it actually being pronounced as "Aeris" when spoken in native Japanese). For sufficient lulz, call her Aeris on an FFVII message board/forum and ignorantly claim you are correct, while rebuffing all counter points presented. But srsly, who gives a shit?
Aeris/Aerith/Dead Bitch wields a giant dildo as a weapon.
[edit] Barret Wallace
The fatass nigger, who is the leader of AVALANCHE, enjoys swearing and fisting the KKK up the ass with his typical Nigger gun. Barret has also been linked to the likes of Mr T. because of his highly unoriginal character design. Thanks, Tetsuyo Nomura!
Barret used to work in a mine mostly raping women and storing a huge amount of watermelons in desert full of niggers, then one day The Man came and attacked his homeland while him and his best mate were smoking crack down in one of the mines. The village was burned down, and his best friend was "killed" because he was a niggerlover by Robert E. Lee's daughter Scarlet. Needless to say, after Barret's wife died, he finds Marlene who was his best friends stepdaughter. Like all niggers, he kidnaps the little white girl and takes her in as his own.
[edit] Red XIII/Nanaki/Furry
Red XIII is a fugly dog thing that can talk for some reason. We first see him as a horny dog inside a cage about to have sex with Aeris. Much to the disappointment of fellow zoophiliacs, this does not happen. It is understood that he and that supposedly Azn wannabe American Indian kid (what's-her-face) is having sex most of the time they're not playing.
Breeding with animals is not taboo in FF7's fucked up La-La land. His grandfather is a human which sort of makes you wonder what he got up to in his youth (obviously, fucking dogs) Red XIII is full of angst just like every other Final Fantasy character, but then snaps out of it after he finds out his Dad really was an hero and was turned to stone. At which point, no one cares and want it to hurry up so they can see Aeris die.
If he could wear clothes he would definitely be a cross dresser, as evidenced by the hairpin he uses for a weapon.
[edit] Vincent Valentine
A boring as fuck character who spent the entire game angsting about his whore of a girlfriend Lucrecia (Sephiroth's real mother). He's sort of a vampire, so the fangirls constantly cream themselves over him because vampires are totally hardcore. He was a Turk until he started pissing and moaning about Hojo farting about with Jenova cells. So Hojo made him immortal and locked him in a coffin. Well, it's definitely one way to get rid of your problems.
He is clothed permanently in the kind of gear you'd see someone in one of those faggy goth clubs wearing. He was the only character in Advent Children who didn't have a change of attire(except Red XIII, but he's a dog, so he has an excuse), which makes him a dirty hobo. He had his own game, FFVII: Dirge of Cerberus, which was a gigantic pile of fail for 2 reasons: (1. It played like total ass, and (2. It introduced several plot elements that you are forced to accept have existed since before FFVII, despite the fact that they are never mentioned because the original plot was never intended to integrate them.
[edit] Cid Highwind
A redneck who is at least 100 years old, Cid's favorite hobbies are swearing, wife beating, smoking and fapping into Vincent's mouth. A true hero. Now, sit your ass down in that chair and DRINK YOUR GODDAMN TEA!
[edit] Yuffie/Jailbait
16-year old who prides herself on being a Naruto fangirl and all-around weeaboo. Started wearing short shorts in a vain effort to please her incest-loving pedophile father, who thinks she has no tits and no ass. When that didn't work out, she contracted a massive case of kleptomania and began stealing everything in sight - especially Materia, which could be strung together into anal beads for dear old Daddy.
This chick being an anorexic, the ninja star that she wields for a weapon is ten times her own weight.
[edit] Cait Sith
Cait Sith is a cat robot sitting on another Moogle robot; sending him commands with a megaphone that was stolen from the locker room of the varsity cheerleading squad. You find him in that one place that is like a Walt Disney World rip-off. From that point on he won't leave you alone, becoming like the annoying friend or neighbor that won't shut up, shows up at your house unannounced and eats everything in your fridge. Worse yet, he is even more proof that the nerds at Square are obsessed with Star Wars-sounding names.
Cait Sith/Kitty/Useless does nothing even remotely interesting; half of his attacks consist of running up to someone and bapping them with his fluffy paws; half of them reveal his compulsive gambling problem, and they all suck the dick off your 80 year old grandfather.
[edit] Genesis Rhapsodos
A new character introduced in Dirge of Cerberus (srsly, this game is SOOOO gawth) after Nomura gained creative control over the FFVII series, despite him only being an artist on the original game. Nomura's designs often seem to indicate two things: he has an indescribable and incessant fetish for zippers and belts (see: Kingdom Hearts), and he gets a massive hard-on over Gackt, an immensely shitty J-Pop singer who is so obviously gay it turns gays straight through sheer embarrassment. Nomura's boner for Gackt ended up landing FFVII in the most unimaginably gay situation; he introduced a character based on the singer, who is actually a prototype for Sephiroth or something, and totally isn't a gigantic retcon.
[edit] Sephiroth
The man with a mangina (evidenced by his 'Bigger-than-your-little-sword-Cloud" Sword). Throughout the story he keeps bitching because he can't get his mother off (Maybe it's cause she ain't got a fucking head, you faggot!)
Also known for his legions of screaming fantards. It is speculated that his hair lost all color because Summoner Yuna fapped on it.
[edit] Rape
The characters and events in the game are the subject of fan fiction, yaoi, yuri, slash, cosplay and every other kind of fan-based distortion of original material possible - right down to femme Cloud.
[edit] Communities
It is estimated that there are over 9000 Final Fantasy VII related communities on Livejournal alone, with many many more spanning the internet in its entirety. Each community, filled to the brim with nerds and fangirls, is virtually guaranteed at least one major drama per year.
Unfortunately for the majority of the time Final Fantasy VII communities are boring circle-jerks about Sephiroth that are punctuated only by a newbie discovering that Sephiroth is also the "emanations of God" in the Kabbalah and posting this information to the community, despite it being common knowledge.
The typical contents of an FFVII related forum usually consists of:
- Topics about which character is the hottest, arguments on whether Cloud wanted to fuck Aeris or Tifa, and the like.
- Fanfiction and fanart, usually of the lowest caliber (See Kurohime). Do not attempt to read these unless for the lulz. If you're looking for a good, gripping story, you're not going to find it here.
[edit] The Turks
During the storyline of FFVII Cloud and gang encounter the Turks, from Shinra.
The Turks were once great people who killed off the Armenians in a lulzy genocide. However, after the genocide, they were captured by Squaresoft and were ordered to be in FFVII. The Turks were all turned into emo fucks, and were never heard from again.
The Turks use CATTLE PROD NIGHTSTICKS as weapons, which is the most genius invention since the Gunblade, except this one actually makes sense.
The characters include:
Reno: A redhead wigger with obsessive attraction to the word "Yo". He also unbuttons his shirt and flicks his collar up. 100 percent cool dude. Likes taking it in the ass from Rude, Rufus, Tseng, Cloud, Yazoo, Kadaj, Tifa, half of FFVIII and for some fucked up reason Vincent. Srsly, WTF?
Rude: A blind, ex-Nazi Skinhead played by Vin Diesel. He uses fists, and not the cattle prod. May this lie further into his storyline? Or did he just leave it under Reno's bed? Most likely the second one, seeing as the two are never seen alone. May this lie further into th-- fuck it.
Tseng: The leader of the Turks or some shit. All that is known really is that he is an angst azn man with a bullet stuck right in the center of his head, and talks more on his mobile phone than a slutty dumbshit American teenage girl.
Elena: A slutty dumbshit American teenage girl ((See above)) who tries incredibly hard to do her job right, when all she needs to do is just suck Tseng's cock, because the two are in a relationship or something. Also wants Tifa's oversized tits in her face.
They all die in an explosion that erupted in the basement after Cid Highwind farted next to a naked flame.
[edit] Sequels, Prequels, etc.
[edit] Character Cameos
Since Squaresoft knew that it was all downhill from here, they decided to whore out FF7 characters as much as possible by giving them cameos in the rest of their games till the end of time. Cloud, Aeris, Sephiroth, and the rest of the douchebags make cameos in Kingdom Hearts, Halo the movie, Kill Bill volume 3 and Final Fantasy Tactics. But seriously guys, no one cares.
[edit] Final Fantasy VI
The last FF game to appear on a Nintendo console before VII, its fanbase is generally comprised of old school Nintendo fanboys and non-conformist conformist fanatics who claim it's the best in the series, and loathe FFVII. They're unable to get over the fact FFVII was a way more popular game and threw their little J-RPG game series into mainstream culture, making it cool to like Final Fantasy instead of being an obscure favorite of self-important video game fans. As their insults and flames usually boil down to "Cloud is a pussy", "Sephiroth is a momma's boy", and "FFVII's plot is a ripoff of VI!", they usually fail to realize that:
- their own villainous hero Kefka is a fucking clown,
- Cyan is a Duncan McLeod wannabe who loses his family, wigs out and desperately tries to be An hero,
- every Final Fantasy is a ripoff of every other Final Fantasy before it as per Square's staple production code of rehashing everything in the series.
However, most Final Fantasy VII freaks refuse to even try Final Fantasy VI because they think the graphics "suck" because they were raised on 3D. They also refuse to play any Nintendo system, because they are big boys and play the Playstation instead.
[edit] Final Fantasy VIII
Final Fantasy VIII is even shittier than the previous Final Fantasy with an even more angst filled plot. Some argue that it is by far the shittiest love story ever created. If you say this to a fanboy you are in for many lulz, as they will always argue that it's better than 7, when it's really just as shitty.
[edit] Final Fantasy IX
The main character's arch-nemesis wears a silk skirt over his woman's ass and a leather jockstrap. No, seriously.
[edit] Final Fantasy X
The main emofag character of this garbage doesn't know how to dress himself, frequently has flashbacks/thoughts about hating his OLD MAN, hangs out with blue cat people, angsty goth bitches who use dolls as weapons, 16-year-old summoners, and finally ends up fighting his OLD MAN in an "epic" boss battle. Was it mentioned that his dad is also a giant monster named Sin? Same shit, different monster.
[edit] Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy X meets Charlie's Angels plus love songs and dress-up. If you mash 'X' in all of the cutscenes, the emo fag from the original game comes back to life just so Yuna can shove him off a cliff and kill him again. DOUBLE KILL.
[edit] Final Fantasy XI
Piece of shit. It has its own article here.
[edit] Final Fantasy XII
Vossler is a "traitor", but with somewhat good intentions. He dies before the game ends.
Reddas was a Judge. He dies before the game ends.
Fran and Jote and Mjrn are all sisters.
Cid is Balthier's father and forced him to become a judge. He becomes "possessed" so to speak (along with Vayne/Bergan). He dies before the game ends.
Gabranth is Basch's twin and the Judgemaster. He dies before the game ends. Basch replaces him as Judgemaster and protector of Larsa.
Vayne is the final boss. He dies before the game ends.
Balthier and Fran ARE alive at the end. None of the main party dies.
ONDORE LIES.
[edit] The Rest of Them
Everything after VIII (Shit) has gotten progressively worse, as it's become blindingly obvious that the company only has two different plots (rebels v. the Empire and the planet v. people) and a handful of stock characters. This doesn't stop millions of idiots worldwide going on and ON about how amazing each new game is, however.
[edit] Advent Children
Square, the company that made Final Fantasy, have since realized that Final Fantasy VII was the only game that most people actually liked and have set about creating dozens of shitty spin-offs, the most expensive of these being Final Fantasy: Advent Children, a CGIed film set two years after Final Fantasy VII which completely fails to explain what the fuck was going on in that game.
In the two-hour film, Cloud gets into an argument with three faggy Sephiroth clones who were created purely for gross incestuous yaoi opportunities. They want to use Jenova cells to, er, murder the planet or something. And there's some kind of disease that's killing people. That might be connected somehow. Anyway, everyone gets in a big fight and lots of fanboys cream their pants when they see all their favorite characters rendered with more than five polygons each.
It should be noted that this film is total shit that only a weeaboo fangirl would love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrcYwLhx3EQ A summary of the movie's plot.
[edit] Advent Children - Parodies
SquareEnix did not want the public to see the real uncut version of Final Fantasy: Advent Children. It has been leaked by inside sources, and all the episodes can be viewed here:
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 1
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 2
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 3
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 4
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 5
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 6
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 7
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 8
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children - In a Nutshell
...why am I hungry all of a sudden?
[edit] Advent Children - Secret Scene
There is a secret scene in the DVD version in which hermaphroditic sex bomb Cloud McGlum admits that he is pregnant.
This proves something. No idea what. Maybe the Jenova cells in Cloud had some affect on his biological make up? Who knows? More importantly, who got him pregnant - and how much creepy unbirthing slashfic will result?
[edit] Gallery
 The Final Fantasy series is perhaps best known for its subtle dialog. |
 Typical random encounter. |
 Secret subquest. |
 Tifa really needs to get over Cloud being an emo tit over Aerith |
[edit] External links
[edit] See also
- Final Fantasy IV
- Final Fantasy VI
- Final Fantasy Tactics
- Final Fantasy VIII
- Final Fantasy XI
- Final Fantasy X-2
- Final Fantasy CLXIX
- The Moogle Cavern
- Aeris - Aeris dies lol
- Adella
- Sephiroth
- Quest 64
- Helm
- Cactuar
- More insipid fanboyism
- Axelswife1 Notable horse-faced cosplayer
- Ondore
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