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Final Fantasy IV

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Cecil, Rosa, Kain, and an opium den proprietor battle Jon-Benet Ramsey.

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Final Fantasy IV was the first Final Fantasy title released for the Super Nintendo, or, as it's known in Japan, the "Super Cloud Wish Asian Propoganda Matrix Stage Beta." Final Fantasy IV was actually released in two different versions - the relatively difficult "Hardtype" release for Japanese gamers, and the "Easytype" release for younger Japanese children and Americans. The basic underlying premise here was that American gamers lacked the mental acuity necessary to repeatedly level up their little video game characters, whereas the Japanese, with their superior neo-cortex development and fast muscle-twitch fiber, would have no such problems. That's fine - back in 1945, the U.S. military opted to drop their "Easytype" atom bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, because the Japs had yet to invent any of their own. USA! USA!

[edit] Storyline

In the beginning, there were Crystals. Four of them. Each represented one of the four elements of the world: fire, water, earth, and wind. Over 9000 years later, an evil empire decided to... wait, where have I heard this before? Oh yeah, that's right, it's the SAME FUCKING STORYLINE USED IN EVERY GAME. I mean, what the fuck? <sarcasm> Square is the most clever people evar. </sarcasm> So by now, I guess you know the storyline, right?

Anywhow, an evil empire wants the crystals for their own needs. But a young hero named Cecil and a few of his buttbuddies decide to go with him to end what maybe the beginning of an epic lollercaust.

[edit] Characters

Cecil Harvey -- A Dark Knight who hates how he pwns villages for his king to get crystals for some fucked up reason or another. He joins up with a lot of the cast and goes to become a paladin. The plot turned when he discovers that he's an alien and that his father was from a race called "Lunarians" or some other shit. He always emos about his problems to his girlfriend, Rosa. Playboy also happens to be his favorite magazine.

Rosa Farrell -- A white mage who likes to heal the party. Cecil's bitch. Her role in the game is to be kidnapped and cock block Kain.

Kain Highwind -- A man who roleplays as a dragon by jumping. Um, wow. He is your nice guy who wants to love Rosa but fucked up big time when he was brainwashed and raped her far too many times. When confronted with the alleged rape charges against him, his response was just.