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Final Fantasy VIII
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Final Fantasy VIII is regarded by many hardcore final fantasy geeks to be teh worse one EVAR. This is mostly due to the fact that all final fantasy games are the exact same shit but with different character names, so that people who play them aren't used to having anything different. Final fantasy 8, however, has a vastly shittier magic system than other final fantasy games. This leads stupid players who don't know what the fuck is going on to get stuck on disk 1. This game also features many love themes, which makes the virginal players jealous. This leads to many players never playing the game again, deleting their save games and cutting themselves.
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[edit] Plot Summary
Cloud Squall joins Avalanche Garden in order to go on a mission to stop Shinra The Government. Later, he becomes a body guard of Aeris Rinoa who falls in love with him. Soon, they discover a force much evilier than Shinra The Government, Sephiroth Edea! Sephiroth kills Aeris Ultimecia possesses Rinoa, so Cloud Squall goes after him her, he goes around the world trying to stop him from bringing the Meteor her from bringing time compression. Then he finds the airship Ragnarok and goes to the center of the world the end of time for the final battle. Afterward, he mourns Aeris saves Rinoa and everything is A-ok.
[edit] Characters
[edit] Squall
Squall is the shittiest main character to exist, evar. His last name is Leonhart, meaning "Lion Heart," meaning "fucking furfag." The player is supposed to think he's an cool, enigmatic hero, but he just comes off as a whiny bitch. At least 100 lines of his dialogue consists of an ellipsis; Sometimes two if he's feeling especially Jewish. Squall is basically Cloud from Final Fantasy 9000 (in which Aeris dies), but with brown hair and a scar on his face from being a total pussy. The reason he has this is because he sucks with his "gunblade" in one of the intro FMV's and gets cut in the face by a baby-eating superhero named Seifer. Of course, every woman loves a guy who loses a fight so this azn whore named Rinoa gets fucking wet every time she's around Squall, making the 13-year-old player masturbate every time she makes the slightest pass at him.
[edit] Seifer
A blonde German guy who considers Squall his best butt-buddy. They both have gunblades, and they both have scars. Yaoi slashfics ensues.
[edit] Quistis
The sexy, sexy, sexy teacher who has the hots for her students, like Squall, throughout the game. She constantly tries opening her legs to Squall, but Squally dumps her for a dumber bitch. Using a whip Quistis teaches many students about the finer arts of being mercenaries.
[edit] Rinoa
Squall ditches his hot-piece-of-ass teacher for this ditzy bitch. Riona is the "Damsel in Distress" slut in the game, and most likely is supposed to be the main character's assigned butt-bitch like every other Final Fantasy has in its storyline when it comes to romance. Unluckily for Squall, since he didn't decide to pick his sexy teacher that's only a year older than him, Riona starts a lot of shit with monsters and shemale demons which will involve Squall and the gang to a series of life-threatening missions which will happen throughout the whole game. She shoots some kind of boomerang-anus-disk that is attached to a wristband on her arm.
[edit] Selphie
A dumb whore who wears a tight spandex skirt/shirt-thing found in a trunk of a strip club. Only techniques in battle is swinging her double-chained-dildos at unsuspecting construction workers.
[edit] Zell
A martial-arts fag who is obsessed with a craving of getting some hot dogs in the school. Sports an ugly tattoo on his face and yellow teeth.
Also the most broken character in the game.
[edit] Irvine
The womanizing/maninizing drunken cowboy who serves absolutely no part in the storyline. Just a token character with a gun. A shame he wasn't black.
Zell and the Gay Cowboy getting it on! ^_^
[edit] The GFs
During the game you gain magical super pals. But you'll never use them due to the fact that they take years to summon once. Most of the time you'll be using them to junction stats so you suck a little bit less. All the GF's do shit-damage to the monsters, but some players use GF's as the only attack for EVERY battle in the game.
[edit] Quetzalcock
Ramuh's stunt double as well as sex partner. But there are rumors that he is having an affair with Squall.
This scared all Mexicans, as they thought it was Hernan Cortez, coming to pwn their asses once again
[edit] Shiva
Finally, a summonable hoe!
Scared Hindu's who didnt want to see their crappy God, naked.
UPDATE: This and every other Shiva in teh Eff-Effz is from Celtic creation myths (so, no, no God-cock).
[edit] Ifrit
You meet him in the fire caves or something. He's a pansy so only use him to junction strength.
Furries summoned this naked, ginger beast, the most, purely to masturbate to.
[edit] Siren
A mermaid that plays a harp, silencing your enemies or some retarded shit. It is a confirmed fact that Siren has a sizable penis and is fisted in the pooper deeply by Shiva - talking elbow-deep, here.
Caused ships to crash IRL
[edit] Brothers
Summon them to do a whoopin' 1 damage!
They call each other brother, but this is just 'cause they are niggers.
David Bowie did a song about them.... Possibly
[edit] Diablos
He's in a lamp that Cid gives you. Now why would Cid give you a devil in a lamp? He's into some weird shit.
Scared Christians, as they assumed that the Devil could now forge anti matter.
Square Enix now calls it "Diabolos", which is some kind of gay asian kids' toy.
[edit] Carfuckle
Causes your characters to become more emo than usual.
Players could relate to this character, as it had giant acne
[edit] Leviathan and Pandamonium
Water cock and some weird cancerous growth. Not much to say about these guys.
More Furfag fantasies
[edit] Cerebrus
A three headed dog from Harry Potter. He lets your characters wank three times in a row.
Scared Greeks, somehow
[edit] Alexandar the Great
Takes back the throne when summoned.
This giant castle is actually controlled by Hitler
[edit] Doomtrain!
The only manly character in the game. When summoned he kills all your emo characters and you play a new game called "Doomtrain!: Quest for Lulz!"
Is also the crappiest GF evar, since there was no plagiarisms used in the creation process
[edit] Bahamut
Retard dragon that was made fun of by other dragons, then sent to live with you. If this paragraph suddenly changes to "OMG BAHAMUT IS AWESOME!11!" you'll know a fanboy has been here and is currently wanking off to Bahamut.
According to Islam, Bahamut carries Iran on its back. Sources say that Osama Bin Laden will summon this on his next turn, to cast Megaflare on America, after his last attack Terror Plane, even when tripled was cast, only took off about 3000 hit points from America.
Although, America is in Limit Break mode now and will probably K/O Iraq with Lionheart
[edit] Eden
Plays the Titantic movie 30 times then you must wait until the year 6420 to see the damage.
Fundamentalist Christians are scared of this, as it shows a dinosaur carrying the Garden of Eden. Oh Noes. Lol
[edit] Tonberry King
A pain the ass to get. He does shit for damage. Summon it on Ultimecia when she still looks fuckable for teh lulz?
Niggars are scared of this, as they often mistake it for a wartey melon and get stabbed when they try to eat it.
[edit] Odin
The only meaningful GF in the game. He'll only come whenever the fuck he feels like it when you enter a battle, but he'll cut enemies in fucking half which I believe is badass and eliminates half of those stupid random encounters if Odin decides to. Being named after a mythological Norse God, Square decides to make him a Japanese Samurai riding a goat instead.
Gets pwn3d by Seifer, comes back as Gilgamesh, a shitty version of Odin as there is less chance of total annihilation!!!!
[edit] The Junction System
When you equip a GF, you sometimes gain new orifices in your stats which allows them to be upgraded. Hoping to use magic spells in the game? We'll you're Shit out of luck, because all the magic is useless and is only used as steroids to increase the size of your penis or something like that.
Like every Final Fantasy game, Square won't stick with a stat-boosting idea for more than one game and decide to invent a new one which will be useless even moar.
There are only three ways to gain magic in this game:
1. Drawing magic from monsters. However it takes hours just to get 100 of one spell, and sometimes the game screws you over and only gives you one lousy spell from your draw. Most of the time the monsters will kill you while you draw from them.
2. Playing the card game and refining the shitty cards. Every asshole in this game has a deck of cards, meaning that every npc in this game is retarded and possibly otherkin. The card game itself blows.
3. Flying to either the Isle of Heaven/Hell and drawing the shit of that place much like how the USA draws oil from Iraq.
There is also a secret way to get magic, but it's not known to most. It's done like this:
1. Get that 15 year old slut Selphie on a train
2. Raep her
3. ???????
4. PROFIT!
Instant magic in all spells, because you deflowered her, and in the world of Final Fantasy Gayt losing virginity gives you all the magic in the world EVAR, which is why Edea is the only non-virgin in the game because she's had a bit of Cid up the chuff.
[edit] Gallery of Lulz
 This basically sums up the plot. |
 Joker makes an appearance in this game. |
 Proof there is no god. |
 Why you being so selfish? SCROOOOGE! |
 Whoa! Is that my teacher?! |
 We can see by Rinoa's limit breaks that she's a slut. |
 Kiros raises a good question. |
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 First image that appears in a Google search for Quistis without any safety filters. |
 ...Why? |
 The secret last Limit ability, or whatever the fuck they're called. |
 Oh lawds, segregatin' the heathens! |
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
- TL;DR post about why this game sucks
- Shitty engrish quiz
- Spoony the nerd explains why this game blows.
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Final Fantasy VIII is part of a series on Gaming. |
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