The Google
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Google[1] (known as google colloquially, more like GOOKLE, amirite?) is an extremely popular marketing agency.
Google collects marketing info by data-mining websites all over the Internet, and, after buying cookie-spammer DoubleClick, now tracks the behavior of millions of Internet users. Their "Blogger" service provides Google with direct access to vast amounts of personal data, as does their buyout of YouTube. And also Gmail.
More popular, however, is directly inputing your personal data into Google's database. On Google's website, users can enter their IAO variables, what Google calls "keywords," into Google's psychographic database and in return receive a complimentary pornographic image they can masturbate to. Users can also use Google's website in other ways, and it can be most helpful for answering questions, stalking ex-girlfriends (a.k.a. That girl you saw once in a bar and never spoke to) and finding old jameth entries[2].
Google then compiles the data for use in advertising as well as its day-to-day military operations.
It's also a very good means to find porn. Remember: if is isn't on Google it doesn't exist.
Google's motto is "Be evil." It is commonly mistaken to be "don't be evil" thanks to fake articles pushed to the front page of Digg (all Digg front page articles are done by 10 people and their massive sockpuppets). However, good people like Daniel Brandt have worked to correct this misnomer. By the way, Google bought Digg.
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[edit] Google 411
Phone service that Google uses to gather information about speech, phonology, phonetics. This way they can data-mine you moar with quantitative linguistics, computational linguistics, speech recognition and phonematic and phonetic transcriptions (speech to text).
[edit] Google Images
Google Images [3] allows a user to search for porn images related to a particular search term. Perfect for finding illustrations for Encyclopedia Dramatica, pictures of cock [4], GIF wars, and Fifty Hitler Posts [5]. And porn. And people watching porn. And hamster porn. And lego porn.
Google Images is also a key component in the game Google Seppuku, but since that's now an old meme, nobody gives a shit about that anymore. Google images is famous for giving porn for non-related searches, and will even give porno when looking up about cats.
[edit] images.google.com and ED
Most articles on ED are accompanied by images culled from images.google.com, without much forethought. Authors simply look up their search term (or porn) and add the first image that comes up. Those with extra time actually search through the results to find the most fitting image, but that usually isn't as funny. It does give them an excuse to look through more porn though.
For a more detailed analysis of the fine porn art of selecting an image for an ED article, see Image Selection Process (See Also: Porn)
[edit] ED and images.google.com
The reciprical relationship between google images and ED is an interesting one. Searching for all images on Encyclopedia Dramatica results in 104 matches with Safe Search on, but 4,400 matches with this inappropriate image blocker disabled. This proves once and for all that ED is 98% porn.
[edit] I Feels Lucky
Probably the most useful feature Google has, besides porn. Also an important step in the Image Selection Process and Google bombing.
[edit] Google Adsense
The second most useful feature besides porn. Excellent way to make quick money for poor people.
[edit] Other Google Features
[edit] Google Maps
The stalker's new best friend, Google Maps [6] allows you to view your own house via satellite. If you have a really big TV, you could maybe see your porn on the satellite, or if your neighbours are making porn. You can also use Wikimapia's version of Google Maps to provide accurate details of every place in America.
[edit] Gmail
Gmail is loved because it doesn't reveal your IP when you send an email, saving you time from having to put on a proxy whenever you email someone you don't trust. Fastmail.fm does that too, but it requires an alternative email to sign up and only allows 10 megs storage.
- But signing up with gmail is like this:
- Then logging in is like this and there's no way to set it for basic HTML default so each time logging in you have to wait 2 minutes, get this screen and then click the link:
50% of the time you log in to your gmail account, you have to enter one of google's human-unreadable captchas. But there's an easy way to read them: You take a screenshot, print them out, then run them through a scanner which has software with object character recognition and this software is far more successful at reading them than a human.
Gmail also loves to randomly reset your password without informing you or explaining it, forcing you to go to password recovery to enter your account.
[edit] Google Earth
Just like the real Earth, only inhabited by Liliputions. And pornians. It was created JUST for terrorists. An excellent tool for picking out your next rape/stalk/murder victim.
[edit] Google Chrome
Chrome is a web 2.0 compatible web browser.
[edit] Google PhoneBook
Google PhoneBook is the best tool to Internet-stalk the pr0n models you dream of inseminating in order to keep your genes in the gene pool.
It's simply the best e-gift Google has given to the e-public.
[edit] Google Fight
If you have no social life, then Google Fight is just what you need. You type in two searches, and Google will see which one has the most results. Only used by retards and the lowest of the low. It is reported to be highly unfunny and produce zero lulz. Should one use googlefight for more than an hour, they might not make a funny joke for weeks to come.
[edit] Google Sketchup
Lets you to draw a pretty picture of your house, and upload it to Google Earth, in order to make your stalker's job easier. You can troll by making a model that looks like goatse.
Sometimes confused with Google ketchup, though it is not the same thing.
[edit] Google Groups
Through various boring developments, Google Groups lets you search Usenet posts dating back to 1981, and yes there actually was an internet then. There was drama then too, although reading flame wars about cold fusion or the projected release date for Return of the Jedi is only so interesting.
[edit] Google Video
Google Video your one stop shop for Mentos in diet soda and softcore webcam porn videos. Designed to give people the opportunity to become Internet celebrities by sharing dispensable videos of themselves, be it "jackass" stunts or your own unfunny music video parodies in spectacular 8 bit clarity, it has devolved into something so much less. Old memes that were never funny to begin with inevitably make it onto the fabulous Top 100. Composed of conspiracy theories, 15 minute long World of Warcraft pvp videos and 37 variations of Mentos in diet soda, this list shows just how trashy people really are. When you watch them, google buffers only 5 seconds of video and then gives up and dies.
[edit] Google Promised Land
Google video hosting website which evolves the feature set of extremely similar to JewTube. It remains less established than its competitors. It features social networking and a "ED Argent filter" which works by lying to the person uploading the video if the content is for mature audiences only. It also features the ability to select a video's thumbnail icon, select from a variety of custom channel templates, add an in-line video player to a channel, block critical users from participating in a channel, restrict video comments to "friends" of the channel, refer a video to popular social bookmarking sites like del.icio.us and digg, and attach videos-replies to video comments. Unlike competitors Revver and YouTube, its for white trash only. The Promised Land does not display advertisements, because it will eventually be bought out by Google.
[edit] Knol
This new service launched last Thursday is gonna kill Wikipedia. See its article for more details.
[edit] Google Checkout
Is a payment system that eBay banned because it's a competitor with PayPal. If you take google checkout payments for eBay auctions and then get suspended on eBay, Google Checkout automaticaly refunds every single buyer who has ever paid you and if you have negative balance, Google drains your bank account.
[edit] Google Web Accelerator
Google Web Accelerator is a denial of service attack tool that allows you to visit a website even on a slow connections and then in seconds google will pre-catch the entire site, even if you no longer read it. Google Web Accelerator also will not pass on the prefetch header for webmasters to block it. If you see ED saying how they're running out of money due to heavy traffic, now you know why.
[edit] Googledork
A Googledork is, according to Johnny Long, "An inept or foolish person as revealed by Google." More specifically, it's a person (usually a Web administrator) who mistakenly leaves or posts sensitive information (or homemade/officemade porn) on a Web site for Google's site scrubbing robots to find, and thereby, discloses private data (and bits) to the Google hackers of the world. If you leave private data (or porn) lying around in public, you shouldn't be surprised when someone finds it and reads it.
[edit] Breaking Google
at least 100 years ago, it was told by the gods, that if you were to type google, into google, you can actually break the internet. The effects of typing google into google are devisating, and causes the google servers to divide by zero. And we all know how that will end. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
[edit] War with eBay
eBay owns a scam site called GayPal and all went well for eBay until some ebayers discovered this pandora's box called a google search. When eBay learnied how this terrible thing of a google search can reveal how PayPal is a scam, eBay banned Google Checkout from its site in retaliation. But when people still kept quitting PayPal, eBay made PayPal required [7] [8] on its entire site. And having your own merchant account no longer lets you get past it.
[edit] See Also
- Ǝlƃooƃ noʎ ʞɔnɟ
- ChaCha
- Cloaking
- Gizoogle
- Googlewhacking
- Infinite Solutions
- Missing White Womyn Syndrome
- Qqqqq
- SEO
- Tom Galloway
- Googlesux
