God
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
God (More commonly known as Zeus, Cthulhu, Xenu, Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Barack Obama) is the Santa Claus for adults. He is the protagonist of the Bible, a book which has somehow sold more copies than Harry Potter, making it the most successful work of fiction evar. The Bible, the chronology of God's Adventures, is a volume of pornography, rape, incest and other sorts of epic win. It is believed that God created the universe for no other reason than to play a game of The Sims against Satan. He tends to be a major douche. He also appears to have taken some kind of anger managment class in between The Old and New testaments. Catholics say that happened because Jews don't know what they're talking about. Jews say... well... they just don't care. In fact, God's personality change between the Old and New testaments is the result of Him inventing the good cop/bad cop routine.
| —Trolls, on God. |
Contents |
The Advent of the Internets
God created the internets in a moment of great brilliance. Here is the 5-part inspiring tale:
- In the beginning, God created the lulz and the internets. The internets were without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the camwhore: and the spirit of God destroyed Oclet's liver.
- And God said: "LET THERE BE LIGHT!" And there was light. And God saw that the light was good, for the Light was too bright and prevented even Him from seeing the Fat of the Camwhore.
- And God created a firmament in the midst of the internets, to divide the interbutts from the internets; and He called the firmament Usenet.
- And God said, "Let all the failures of the internet be gathered together into one place, and let them spam that place relentlessly." And it was so, and 4chan was born.
- And God said, "Let forums multiply, and be fruitful, and fill the internets with their drama." And it was so.
- And God said, "Let all manner of fucktards write on LiveJournal; and let them multiply, and be fruitful." And fucktards came forth in all manner of communities, and warred with each other relentlessly; and lo, some multiplied, and others didn't, according to their kinds.
- And God saw that it was funny, and lo! He lolled.
- And God said "Let us create a Wiki on the Internet. Let it catalog Drama, so that those who are not all-knowing may attain enlightenment; and let them LOL.
- And God created Encyclopedia Dramatica for his own amusement, and created Dramacrats to maintain it; funny and ironic. He then said to the Dramacrats, "Lol! I have given you the internets; multiply with captchas, and fill the internets and catalog it, and you shall have knowledge of every faggot and every furry on the interweb for major lulz.
- And God saw everything that He had made, and He laughed at furries and smote them mightily.
- And He smote the Jews, for they killed his son.
- And with this last act, God neuralized the people of the internetz, giving them total retrograde amnesia. God then disappeared forever, leaving behind a mystery to be solved by all of his followers.
God's Many Forms
According to Christians, God exists in Trinity, which means that he has multiple personality disorder. His three personalities are:
- This is the coolest version of God. The Father smites people and pwns them in the ass for pretty much anything, from homosexuality to being of the wrong race.
- This version of God is a raging faggot and whiny pussy who took it up the ass from rubberduc. Notable features include his ability to turn water into santorum and his getting nailed to a cross.
- This version of God allows God to watch everyone in the fucking world at once (like Santa) so it is assumed that his internet-era incarnation is Ceiling Cat.
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The Gender of God
God is a black male. He resembles Morgan Freeman greatly.
His Views on Sex
Like everything else in the Bible the supposed Word of God contradicts itself on the issue of sex.
Anything is Allowed
God is, in fact, a sick fuck. He believes that if you are married and both consent, then pretty much anything can go on between the two of you and it's awwwwwright. Turns out he really has no problem with incest either, since Adam and Eve obviously had to have sex with their kids to populate the earth.
At least 100 years ago, in response to pressure from the heathens his missionaries were trying to convert, he began to advocate other types of sexual acts like buttsex and bukkake. Although it is becoming increasingly popular as a way to maintain technical virginity, many Christians still fear anal and some are quite sure God was on peyote when he invented pegging.
However, fucking pies is still fair game. As is, apparently, consensual sex in the missionary position:
- Song 2:3: "Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste."
- Song 4:16: "Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance. Let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!"
Nothing is Allowed
Without 2,000 years of morality ground into us, nobody would think twice about committing sinful sexual acts such as incest and bestiality. The things you cannot have sex with include:
- Animals
- Members of your own family - including adopted and stepfamilies
- Kiddies
- Anyone outside of marriage - Prostitutes, "open-minded" friends, thy neighbor's spouse, etc.
- Anyone before marriage
- Members of your own gender
- Masturbation is a nicht-nicht.
- So is porn.
- Even thinking about it is not allowed.
- Actually, sexuality is a sin no matter what. Seriously - look up St. Augustine.
Criticism
People believe that due to the fact that God is omnipotent and will never die, he haxorz life. The nihilist philosopher Nietzsche attempted to IRL ban God, proclaiming that "God is dead." Based on the religious demographics of the Middle East and the United States, he clearly failed.
God is not a virgin, although the Old Testament God was. He lost his virginity while impregnating Mary with his massive God Rod.
There are many different schools of God fanboys, each of which is known as a religion. Religions that believe in God include Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Mormon, and about twenty obscure ones like Zoroastrianism.
Proof A Benevolent God Does Not Exist
If God were to be definitively proven not to exist, it would end all arguments ever, and self-righteous atheists all over the world would simultaneously reach orgasm in their parents' basements. Proof of a benevolent God not existing:
- Furries
- Homosexuals
- Shock sites
- Camel Spider
- Pain Series
- Juliana Wetmore
- Gaia
- Oprah
- WoW
- High School Musical - All of them.
- /b/
- Uncyclopedia
Proof A Benevolent God Does Exist
People God Will Smite When The Internets End
God Did WTC If there's anything God hates more than homosexuals, it's towers. The Tower of Babel was the Biblical version of the World Trade Center. As is clearly described in reputable history books, God didn't like this, so He created the French. Until then, the entire world spoke German; so after the French appeared, everybody was too busy raping and plundering them, and forgot about building the tower. This was back in the days when God didn't have Muslims to do his dirty laundry, so He had to find clever and innovative ways of accomplishing His purposes.  Mankind's brazen defiance of God reaches new heights. In more recent times, God saw that Man had built not just one, but two monuments in defiance of the Almighty. And it was not good. God, realizing his lawn was getting too long again, commanded his faithful followers to mow it. This time, the message was much more clear: GTFO MY HEAVEN. Godly Gallery
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