Star Wars
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Star Wars, also known as Space Fight, is a series of products and merchandise created by George Lucas (more like George Jewcas (more like Jew Circus)) in the mid-70s. Star Wars was based on a true story. He later made a movie to promote his shit and sell even more toys and toilet paper. It was pretty much the most overrated piece of crap ever.
The story can best be summarized as follows:
Darth Vader, the blackest man evar, in a universe devoid of black people, has a massive testicle that shoots lazers and totally blows shit up, which is totally fucking awesome. To stop this, his lame, white-ass son takes lessons from a green midget to blow up the big ball of fuck. After lots of explosions he goes off and has a foursome with his sister, a furry, and Indiana Jones.
A New Hope
Star Wars first appeared in the form of a film in 1977. Its sci-fi storyline set within the framework of a estern film with Nazi Mysticism was unheard of at the time, and the studio thought it was going to be a box office bomb. Unfortunately, the film became extremely popular, and produced an entire generation of basement dwellers that compulsively masturbated to fanart of Princess Leia and Jabba the Hutt.
Most of the themes for the first Star Wars movie (later subtitled A New Hope) came from the Akira Kurosawa classic The Hidden Fortress (隠し砦の三悪人). In this movie a pair of bickering and self-involved peasants - one short, one tall - accompany a warrior and a princess (who learns humility along the journey) to the safety of her kingdom. The borrowing is most obvious during a sequence in which the two peasants take separate paths only to both be captured by the same enemy, find each other in amongst a horde of prisoners, and then cross paths with the warrior.
Whether the Western film influences in Star Wars are surviving elements from The Hidden Fortress (Kurosawa was known for borrowing from western films), or George Lucas' own is really none of your business. Because sucking off George Lucas' cock is my business and mine alone.
Note: George Lucas' cock is available on Tuesday mornings at 10. Ssshhh!
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George Lucas is a Whore
After Star Wars hit it big at the box office, George Lucas spent all his money on as many hamburgers as he could eat (See also: Michael Moore). Unfortunately his stomach was a little larger than his wallet and so, now too fat for whoring himself out, he did the next best thing - lunchboxes. Lunchboxes, breakfast cereals, cardboard Halloween decorations, condoms, tennis shoes, television shows, dildos - anything. Star Wars was now not a movie but a marketing machine driven by Lucas' insatiable hunger.
The absolute pinnacle of this marketing frenzy was the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special, which really deserves its own article due to the sheer amount of foul things that can be said about it, but I'm too fucking lazy to make it myself (an article has been written on it now).
Spin Offs
Star Wars was followed by two sequels, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, in 1980 and 1983. The two are notable for being improved dramatically by Lucas allowing other people to direct them, and for the ever-increasing numbers of random aliens in the background who would show up as tiny plastic toys being sold for $8 later on.
Star Wars: Holiday Special
This is hands down the best episode out of all the Star Wars films. It starts off with Han Solo and his furry friend in a space ship racing off to Chewbacca's tree house to celebrate Christmas. One who see's the first 5 seconds already knows this is a piece of shit the best Star Wars episode ever. It consists of uncircumcised dicks making music with bongs, a tranny version of Luke Skywalker and a whole family of furries jacking off to 2girls1cup. What's not to like? But best of all, there is no ending. It just randomly switches off to an advertisement for Star Wars toys.
There's a good chance you will wish to become an hero after a few minutes of watching this masterpiece film, as it's message of love is extremely influential and will make you regret all the terrible things you have done in the past. It's recommended that you separate yourself from any weapons and/or lethal drugs until the shock wears off.
Remix
In the early '90s, Lucas decided it'd be pretty fucking hilarious to re-edit all three films and re-release them theatrically. It's probable that at this stage he was either under the control of Satan or his incredibly retarded "Skywalker Ranch" had eaten all his hamburgers.
He "remastered" the movies that everybody had grown up with to fit what he would later refer to as his "original vision". He cited numerous technical pitfalls and a lack of funding as his excuse for originally casting cult-icon Jabba The Hutt as a fat Irish man:
The "remastered" movies were a box office hit - mostly due to the fact that nobody had been able to see Star Wars in a theater for twenty years - but nobody liked them, not even after the third one was released and everyone discovered that Lucas had changed the Ewok song and given them more fireworks.
Moar Shit
One of the most cited criticisms was Lucas' addition of the three-second cameo of cult-icon Boba Fett (Empire Strikes Back) into A New Hope, simply so he could release another plastic toy for him ($10).
Several years later, in organizing the DVD versions of Star Wars he made yet more additions and deletions, including the derided "Greedo Shoots First" - widely denounced as the "dumbest shit ever shat". In the final scene of the DVD release of Return of the Jedi, the ghost of Anakin Skywalker is changed from the original actor to prequel prettyboy Hayden Christensen, seeming to imply that Anakin Skywalker actually died 20 years ago, and not on the new Death Star a few hours earlier. This change is justified by the fucktarded defense, "Well, Anakin turned good just before he died so his ghost looks like he looked before he came Darth Vader."
Here is the deleted Version of Darth Cheney's first steps in the suit.
A New Beginning
In 1999 George Lucas unleashed The Phantom Menace, the three-hour long story of a pair of gay Jedis, Jar Jar Binks, a whiny princess, a young Darth Vader who is apparently Jesus, and a whole bunch of aliens that were pretty much racial stereotypes. The movie generated millions, despite being a crushing disappointment to fans of the film. Thousands of tiny plastic toys were sold.
Star Wars 2: Electric Boogaloo
In 2002 Attack of the Clones showed up in theaters, and by this time the little boy had become Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, and the Irish Jedi was gone but the Scottish Jedi was still there. The whiny Princess was apparently not a princess anymore, because on her planet Princesses are elected every four years - and for whatever the fuck reason, the pickaninny alien Jar-Jar Binks was a fucking Senator (who subsequently gave power to Senator Palpatine, thus setting the stage for the advent of the Galactic Empire, way to fucking go).
Also, in a shameless bid for hamburgers ($15), the bounty hunter known as Boba Fett was now a Maori, and a clone of his dad who was named JANGO! That's right, JANGO! (JANGO DEM KEYS) It turns out that the Clone Wars were fought by a bunch of Jango clones who were bored while waiting for rugby to be invented.
Cult horror actor Christopher Lee makes an appearance as Count Dooku (lol) and shares a hilarious scene with Yoda in which Yoda jumps and flips around and generally makes the movie into an early Jim Carey film. This is widely cited as the only watchable piece of the entire movie.
The movie should have been a flop, but due to massive amounts of fanboys, the movie got over 9000 gajilion dollars within the first 6 seconds of its release and George Lucas can continue to rub his golden-plated cock with his money.
Star Wars III: Rise of Darth Cheney
Lucas has released the final nail in the Star Wars coffin, which is titled Revenge of the Sith. In it, Anakin goes batshit insane and becomes Darth Vader, the Emperor kills Samuel L. Jackson, and Obi-Wan lets Anakin get burned alive/maimed out of revenge for Anakin joining the Dark Side.
It was expected to receive critical acclaim, but instead was rejected by some critics, who accused Lucas of turning the film into a historical docu-drama about the rise of George W Bush and Dick Cheney and the fucking up of Iraq for oil and nukes. Thus, the film only made $450 million as opposed to the usual $600 million, keeping Lucas rich and beautiful in spite of partisan bitching that he caused the final Star Wars film to tank.
Niggas of the Old Republic & The Shit Lords
This fag thought that fanbois could be a source for even bucks. He was right: these two games sold a lot with pretty much zero money spent by him.
Niggas of the Old Republic (NotOR) (made by doctors at BioWare) sold a shitload of copies and made Bastila Shan a popular character causing many Leia Organa fanbois to masturbate to her. Because Lucas decided that Jedis can't have sex, the male player can only kiss the chick. The original, uncut version of the game contained at least 100 ways to bang her. The character named Mission Vao (the girl with blue skin and tails on the head) is generally liked by pedos since she is depicted as a 14-year-old girl and is often included in porn fan art.
The Shit Lords (TSL) features at least three chicks (a feminazi with white hair, a blind chick and a hot redhead). Lucas pwned the new developers and made them cut a hell of a lot of the game. The angry nerds retaliated heavily on Wookieepedia by adding their own version of the ending of the game.
Turkish Star Wars (Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam)
That's right Turkish Star Wars. Not only does Turkish Star Wars include exploding rocks, epic maneuvers, and a salad of healing, but it breaks every copyright law ever to exist in any form of entertainment. The movie includes no legible plot, downtime, English, Furries (I ain't complainin'), or anything else that would ruin a movie. Sadly, Samuel L. Jackson was not in this movie. This movie does include, all of the above, cardboard sword, limbless lobsters, AIDS, and mummies. PROTIP: This giant ripoff is still heads and shoulders above anything Lucas and company ever came up with, and proves that even Turks can do better than George Lucas.
The Plot is about Earth getting completely destroyed every time some years after 2000's, by space aliens, and the chunks that Earth gets blasted reform for humanity to rebuild.Some of these parts fly into space, and one of the rocks that flew to space is full of poor people and evil alien overlord who is 1000 years old and requires blood of the fallen humans to survive. 2 brave Turkish Pilots lead a defence force against this Alien Overlord and accidentally crash unto this small planetoid. Abandoning the ships and looking for help, the duo get attacked by Stormtroopers with swords and horses. They kill them and find out that this place is a rock that flew away from Turkey and contains the remnants of 13th Tribe. They try to kill the Alien King but cannot defeat his army of furries. Thus they start to train with cardboard rocks and rub salad of healing on their skins to get better. Still they get captured when they go to a bar full of aliens and shitty music from whatever cantena Star Wars had, and the furries try to mummify them. Anyway, they find some wooden sword of light that cuts everything apart, one of them betrays the other and dies, and Our surviving hero cleaves Xenu in two.
TL;DR, AWESOME
Star Wars and Fat Kids
In keeping with the Internets phenomena of fat people making embarrassing videos of themselves, a young Canadian boy-whore named Ghyslain Raza (sounds like a Star Wars faggot!) secretly made a video of himself messing about and pretending a golf ball retriever was a lightsaber. His mean-spirited classmates then put the video on the internets, thus spawning the Star Wars Kid.
- He actually sued the tits off of them, settled out of court. Hopefully he will spend his settlement wisely. His parent's response to the video was, "He did it for the lulz." But, Over 9000 people say otherwise.
Apparently, Ghyslain's classmate intended to upload videos of the fat boy getting butt-raped by his gay friend and enjoying it, but the wrong video was obtained.
Star Wars Fan Boys
Shitloads of nerds are obsessed with this pile of crap such as the Homo who turned his Honda civic into the H-wing. According to comedian Brian Posehn, the best way to troll Star Wars fanboys is to run up to them and yell "Picard stinks!! Kirk was way better!!"
Fanbois on the Internets
There are thousands of Star Wars fan sites on the internets, and a consistent number of wikis, most notably Wookieepedia and its minor bitch sister, the Star Wars Fanon Wiki. Other Star Wars wikis in the internets:
- Compedia brought to you by Wikia.
- Star Wars Merchandise by Angela
- Dark Jedi Brotherhood
- TROLL MOAR
- Thanks to a dedicated warez scene, the original movie is now available on the internet.
Apparently, Lots of gay pedophiles who love pre-pubescent boys trade pictures on the Internet of young Jake Lloyd (who played the adorable little nine-year-old Anakin Skywalker) to masturbate with. Sick fucks.... Elijah Wood was cuter!
Trolling in action (trying too hard)
StarTrek727 : Hello my Sci-Fi friend. How goes the intergalactic battle? JediKnightX : hey there, who are you? StarTrek727 : You don't know me... I read in your buddy profile that you are a ''Star Wars'' fan... nice screen name by the way. JediKnightX : Um, yeh thanks. Your screen name is pretty unoriginal, don't you think? StarTrek727 : I'm only professing my love for ''Star Trek'', you have a problem with that punk? StarTrek727 : It's not like ''Star Wars'' is cooler than ''Star Trek''...''Star Wars'' sucks ass. JediKnightX : Excuse me, you are insulting the very essence of what I stand for, the nobility of the Jedi way and what it means to be a true ''Star Wars'' fan. StarTrek727 : Everyone knows that in a fight, ''Star Trek'' would put a beat down to ''Star Wars''. JediKnightX : Are you joking me? There is substantial empirical and theoretical data supporting ''Star Wars'' dominance. JediKnightX : Don't test me young man, I would blow your feeble mind away. StarTrek727 : You smell bad. StarTrek727 : Do you have a pony tail? I bet you do... those are so ''Star Wars''. Do you think George Lucas is pretty? StarTrek727 : Would you " blow" me away with the Force? That is pretty cool though, like when they move stuff with their minds, So BADASS. Can you do that? JediKnightX : If you continue to offer me gibberish I will be forced to end this conversation. StarTrek727 : I bet you have a purdy mouth. JediKnightX : Alright, it's clear you don't care to try my knowledge. Leave me. StarTrek727 : Hey... JediKnightX : What? StarTrek727 : Alright, you want to fight, Lets RUMBLE biatch. JediKnightX : Hit me with anything you've got. StarTrek727 : First off... #1 ''Star Trek'' didn't have any gay characters, what do you say in defense of your precious Jar Jar Binks, that guy was a flamer. You'd probably like to have hot Jar Jar man-love with him, eh? JediKnightX : I call that a pitiful argument of a desperate Trekkie. You obviously understand no core data about logistics, weaponry, shielding, etc. StarTrek727 : Au contraire my little semantic sleeper. StarTrek727 : While I may not be a diehard wackjob... studying episodes, transcripts, blueprints like yourself, I do have some key points to establish for ''Star Trek'' superiority. JediKnightX : Let's hear em. StarTrek727 : One quick question, do you touch yourself when you think of Darth Vader with his mask off? He is so cute. JediKnightX : I grow tired of you. StarTrek727 : #2, Worf would kill Chewbacca in a fight. Your dude is all hair, no muscle. StarTrek727 : Pure street fight, no lasers, no little ''Star Wars'' gadgets.... just raw POWER. Your wookie would die to my Klingon! JediKnightX : Chewbacca would tower over Worf, by at least a foot and a half. Besides, his physical dominance is clearly shown through out the ''Star War'' movies, while Worf's power is roughly equivalent to about 2.5 men. StarTrek727 : You are forgetting one fact kind sir.... JediKnightX : What's that? StarTrek727 : I would have Worf so juiced up on steroids and pain killers he would feel no pain... you would feel the PAIN sucka. JediKnightX : You are such a child... Here's a topic for you: Spaceship 1 on 1 battles. ''Star Wars''' tactical warships would handle anything ''Star Trek'' could offer. StarTrek727 : Tactical warships? Is that a new warship that gives you suck-ass action? StarTrek727 : Are you a hairy person, I imagine all the ''Star Wars'' guys as really hairy. JediKnightX : You really make no sense. StarTrek727 : Hey! You watch your tone with me Han Solo, don't make me go call my Trekkie Mafia.. we would F you up. Me, Picard, Data, Worf... god, we'd be a Wrecking crew. JediKnightX : I see you dabble in the realm of insanity. Well, as much fun as this has been, I must be off. StarTrek727 : Wait... I am sorry.... I am being childish and immature. I admit it. StarTrek727 : I have no friends, my mom and dad keep me locked in the basement... on account of my Albinism. Do you know how hard it is to be a pale faced freak?! JediKnightX : Are you serious? It's okay, I didn't realize that. StarTrek727 : I'll let you go, although I have one more point... hear me out please. JediKnightX : Sure thing. StarTrek727 : Lets assume that you are right about ''Star Wars'' being superior. That they would stomp ''Star Trek'' on all the technobabble shit you have discussed... That you, JediKnightX, are much better suited to do battle then the likes of... a childish, Albino freak. I will throw in the towel to these facts... but one true question remains... one which will settle it all: JediKnightX : What's that? StarTrek727 : Do you have man-boobs? JediKnightX : Goodbye. StarTrek727 : Live long and prosper my friend... live long and prosper!
Star Fan Wars
On three separate occasions, arguments involving the superiority of Star Wars to Star Trek, and vice versa, have exploded into three wars. These wars have killed thousands of innocent people, but considering that most of them were cosplayers and narutards it isn't THAT sad. These wars are generally fought at conventions in the United States, because even the nerds there are gun nuts. Most of these fights wind up making an awful mess of the whole arena, and seeing as both sides are too weak and frail to hold any winnings from the cops, most of these battles wind up a tie, such as the Battle of L.A. Con. But a few exceptions, such as the Battle of A-kon, were victories for the Mecha fans, who had armed themselves and incidentally wiped both sides off the map. There is currently a Star Fan war in progress in Korea, Japan and the Western Seaboard of the United States. Mecha peacekeepers have managed to contain the thread of pathetic nerd-dom.
Twi'leks
Many Star Wars nerds fap to the thought of fucking a Twi'lek, an alien with two penises hanging down its head. This can be seen here in video form:
Brought to you by The Sims:
It's also in the gallery below.
Galleries
Star Wars nerds are sick fucks
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Non-pr0n Star Wars Pics
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See Also
- Nerds
- Lusers
- H-wing
- DO NOT WANT
- Jedi (religion)
- Ewan McGregor's Penis
- Force Push
- Star Wars Kid
- Admiral Ackbar
- Wookieepedia
- Comic book fans
- Star Trek
- Star Wars: The Old Republic
- EVE Online
- Obi Wan gifs here
External Links
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