Star Wars
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Star Wars is a series of products and merchandise created by George Lucas in the mid-70s. He later made a movie to promote his shit and sell even more toys and toilet paper. It was pretty much the most over-rated piece of crap ever.
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[edit] A New Hope
Star Wars first appeared in the form of a film in 1977. Its sci-fi storyline set within the framework of a western film with Nazi Mysticism was unheard of at the time, and the studio thought it was going to be a box office bomb. Unfortunately, the film became extremely popular, and produced an entire generation of basement dwellers that compulsively masturbated to fanart of Princess Leia and Jabba the Hutt. Most of the themes for the first Star Wars movie (later subtitle A New Hope) came from the Akira Kurosawa classic 'The Hidden Fortress' (隠し砦の三悪人). In this movie a pair of bickering and self-involved peasants - one short, one tall - accompany a warrior and a princess (who learns humility along the journey) to the safety of her kingdom. The borrowing is most obvious during a sequence in which the two peasants take seperate paths only to both be captured by the same enemy, find each other in amongst a horde of prisoners, and then cross paths with the warrior.
Whether the western film influences in Star Wars are surviving elements from The Hidden Fortress (Kurosawa was known for borrowing from western films), or George Lucas' own is really none of your business.
[edit] George Lucas is a Whore
After Star Wars hit it big at the box office, George Lucas spent all his money on as many hamburgers as he could eat (See also: Michael Moore). Unfortunately his stomach was a little larger than his wallet and so, now too fat for whoring himself out, he did the next best thing - lunchboxes. Lunchboxes, breakfast cereals, cardboard Halloween decorations,condoms, tennis shoes, television shows,dildos - anything. Star Wars was now not a movie but a marketing machine driven by Lucas' insatiable hunger.
The absolute pinnacle of this marketing frenzy was the 1978 Star Wars holiday special, which really deserves its own article due to the sheer amount of foul things that can be said about it.
[edit] Spin Offs
Star Wars was followed by two sequels, 'Empire Strikes Back' and 'Return of the Jedi', in 1980 and 1983. The two are notable for being improved dramatically by Lucas allowing other people to direct them, and for the ever-increasing numbers of random aliens in the background who would show up as tiny plastic toys being sold for $8 later on.
[edit] Remix
In the early '90s, Lucas decided it'd be pretty fucking hilarious to re-edit all three films and re-release them theatrically. It's probable that at this stage he was either under the control of Satan or his incredibly retarded 'Skywalker Ranch' had eaten all his hamburgers.
He "remastered" the movies that everybody had grown up with to fit what he would later refer to as his "original vision." He cited numerous technical pitfalls and a lack of funding as his excuse for originally casting cult-icon Jabba The Hutt as a fat Irishman. The "remastered" movies were a box office hit - mostly due to the fact that nobody had been able to see Star Wars in a theater for twenty years - but nobody liked them, not even after the third one was released and everyone discovered that Lucas had changed the Ewok song and given them more fireworks.
[edit] Moar Shit
One of the most cited criticisms was Lucas' addition of the three-second cameo of cult-icon Boba Fett (Empire Strikes Back) into A New Hope, simply so he could release another plastic toy for him ($10).
Several years later, in organizing the DVD versions of Star Wars he made yet more additions and deletions, including the derided "Greedo Shoots First" - widely denounced as the "dumbest shit ever shat." In the final scene of the DVD release of "Return of the Jedi," the ghost of Anakin Skywalker is changed from the original actor to prequel prettyboy Hayden Christensen, seeming to imply that Anakin Skywalker actually died 20 years ago, and not on the new Death Star a few hours earlier. This change is justified by the fucktarded defense, "Well, Anakin turned good just before he died so his ghost looks like he looked before he came Darth Vader."
[edit] A New Beginning
In 1999 George Lucas unleashed 'The Phantom Menace', the three-hour long story of a pair of gay Jedis, Jar Jar Binks, a whiny princess, a young Darth Vader who is apparently Jesus, and a whole bunch of aliens that were pretty much racial stereotypes. The movie generated millions, despite being a crushing disappointment to fans of the film. Thousands of tiny plastic toys were sold.
[edit] Attack of the Fail
In 2002 'Attack of the Clones' showed up in theatres, and by this time the little boy had become Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, and the Irish Jedi was gone but the Scottish Jedi was still there. The whiny Princess was apparently not a princess anymore, because on her planet Princesses are elected every four years - and for whatever the fuck reason, the pickaninny alien Jar-Jar Binks was a fucking Senator (who subsequently gave power to Senator Palpatine, thus setting the stage for the advent of the Galactic Empire).
Also, in a shameless bid for hamburgers ($15), the bounty hunter known as Boba Fett was now a Maori, and a clone of his dad who was named JANGO! That's right, JANGO! (JANGO DEM KEYS) It turns out that the Clone Wars were fought by a bunch of Jango clones who were bored while waiting for social welfare.
Cult horror actor Christopher Lee makes an appearance as Count Dooku (lol) and shares a hilarious scene with Yoda in which Yoda jumps and flips around and generally makes the movie into an early Jim Carey film. This is widely cited as the only watchable piece of the entire movie.
[edit] Star Wars III: Rise of Darth Cheney
Lucas has released the final nail in the Star Wars coffin, which is titled 'Revenge of the Sith'. In it, Anakin goes batshit insane and becomes Darth Vader, the Emperor kills Samuel L. Jackson, and Obi-Wan lets Anakin get burned alive/maimed out of revenge for Anakin joining the Dark Side.
It was expected to receive critical acclaim, but instead was rejected by some critics, who accused Lucas of turning the film into a historical docu-drama about the rise of George W Bush and Dick Cheney and the fucking up of Iraq for oil and nukes. Thus, the film only made $450 million as opposed to the usual $600 million, keeping Lucas rich and beautiful in spite of partisan bitching that he caused the final Star Wars film to tank.
[edit] Niggas of the Old Republic & The Shit Lords
This fag thought that fanbois could be a source for even bucks. He was right: these two games sold a lot with pretty much zero money spent by him.
Niggas of the Old Republic (NotOR) (made by doctors at BioWare) sold a shitload of copies and made Bastila Shan a popular character causing many Leia Organa fanbois to masturbate to her. Because Lucas decided that Jedis can't have sex, the male player can only kiss the chick. The original, uncut version of the game contained at least 100 ways to bang her. The character named Mission Vao (the girl with blue skin and tails on the head) is generally liked by pedos since she is depicted as a 14-year-old girl and is often included in porn fan art.
The Shit Lords (TSL) features at least three chicks (a feminazi with white hair, a blind chick and a hot redhead) and a MILF (if the player thinks 80-year-old grannies are particularly horny, eh). Lucas pwned the new developers and made them cut a hell of a lot of the game. Thus, the player can only say "i love you" to one of the chicks. The original, uncut version featured at least 100 ways to bang them, one by one or in a foursome, including a lot of BDSM with the blind bitch.
[edit] Star Wars and Fat Kids
In keeping with the Internets phenomena of fat people making embarassing videos of themselves, a young Canadian boy-whore named Ghyslain Raza (sounds like a Star Wars character!) secretly made a video of himself dancing about and pretending a golf ball retriever was a lightsaber. His mean-spirited classmates then put the video on the internets, thus spawning the Star Wars Kid.
- He actually sued the tits off of them,settled out of court. Hopefully he will spend his settlement wisely.
[edit] Star Wars Fan Boys
Shitloads of nerds are obsessed with this pile of crap such as the idiot who turned his honda civic into the H-wing. According to comedian Brian Posehn, the best way to troll Star Wars fanboys is to run up to them and yell "Picard stinks!! Kirk was way better!!"
[edit] Fanbois on the Internets
There are at least 100 Over 9000 Star Wars fan sites on the internets, and a consistent number of wikis, most notably Wookieepedia and its minor bitch sister, the Star Wars Fanon Wiki.
Other Star Wars wikis in the internets:
- Compedia by WillSWC and its shitty mirror brought to you by Wikia.
- SWGWiki by Atombender
- Star Wars Merchandise by Angela
- Thanks to a dedicated warez scene, the original movie is now available on the internet.
[edit] Galleries
Star Wars nerds are sick fucks
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Non-pr0n Star Wars Pics
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