George Zimmer

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

OUR LORD AND MASTER

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. YOUR MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN BLESSED MORE TIMES BY THE SACRED WHITE RIVER OF MY PELVIC PALADIN, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GIVE ME THE GREEN EYE OF JEALOUSY, MY COCK-LOVING CAVALIER. BETWEEN US, TONIGHT WILL BE RELIGIOUS RAPTURE, FOR YOUR ANAL CLEFT SHALL BE MY GREAT SEA, AND I SHALL BE ITS MOSES, CLEAVING ITS MIGHTY CHOCOLATE OCEAN TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SAFE PASSAGE OF MY TESTICULAR TRIBE, HAVING BEEN GRANTED MEPHITIC FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF ENSLAVEMENT BEHIND A LOCKED PROSTATE. TO DO THIS, I WILL READY MY LONGINUS TO PIERCE YOUR BACKSIDE’S SACRED DOMAIN — YOU WILL SCREAM FIRST IN PAIN, THEN IN PASSION AS ITS STEEL-LADEN GIRTH STRETCHES AND RIPS THE FABRIC OF YOUR MORTAL INNARDS, DISIMBUING YOU OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, LEADING YOU TO A HEAVEN, THEN REVIVING YOUR FEELING OF PHYSICAL REALITY LIKE A ONCE-CRUCIFIED CHRIST RETURNING TO EARTH. I GUARANTEE IT.

History

George Zimmer started out as a troll on the Ashlee Simpson message board in response to her SNL lip synching controversy. The troll’s posts featured ALL CAPS first person rants about the suit-czar’s potent masculinity and his ability to provide Ashlee with the ultimate in sexual experiences. The meme spread to less reputable parts of teh internets where the characteristic style of the original posts was parodied, usually targeting a lame n00b or even the reader, accompanied by an appropriate portrait of the dapper salesman. The posts always include him introducing himself and always end with his personal guarantee. He is now somewhat old meme but a well crafted Zimmerism will still wrench a few lulz out of even the most jaded fag.

Enemies

SHUT THE FUCK UP ZIMMER. I CAN'T TAKE YOUR SHOUTING DUE TO BEING TOO TIRED FROM FUCKING 10000 WOMEN INCLUDING YOUR WIFE IN THE ANUS LAST NIGHT! NATURALLY, I SHOT A LOAD WHITER AND MORE ABUNDANT THAN 500 BUCKETS OF OXI-CLEAN! MY MOTHERFUCKING PATENTED CLEANING FORMULA CLEANED EVERY FUCKING STAIN THAT I LEFT ON YOUR BED LAST NIGHT!

STOP USING YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS TO SPEAK LIES YOU RETARDED CUNTS! INSTEAD, USE THEM TO STUFF YOUR FACE WITH MY DELICIOUS FUCKING POPCORN THE WAY I WAS STUFFING BOTH OF YOUR WIVES FACES WITH IT LAST NIGHT! THATS RIGHT FUCKERS! MY GOLDEN BUTTERY BALLS WERE BEING STUFFED INTO YOUR WIVES' MICROWAVE OVENS USING MY MOUTHWATERING ARTIFICIAL BUTTER FOR LUBRICATION!

HI IT'S VINCE WITH SHAMWOW. I FUCKED ALL THREE OF YOUR WIVES LAST NIGHT AND USED THE FUCKING SHAMWOW I CARRY EVERYWHERE WITH ME TO CLEAN UP THE JIZZ STAINS ALL OVER THEM AND YOUR BEDS. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THEY LOVED MY NUTS. I HOPE THEY LOVE HERPES!

Over time, he has become enemies with other salesmen. The two most notable are Billy Mays and Orville Redenbacher. Both claim to have pussy piercing powers greater than each other, whereas Vince is a relative newcomer.

Fresh Zimmer

Mr. Zimmer visits The Other Wiki.

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE.

NOW THIS IS A STORY ALL ABOUT HOW

EVERY PERSON IN THIS WORLD CAN'T RESIST MY PLOW

AND I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY KIT

YOU'LL LIKE THE WAY IT LOOKS...I GUARANTEE IT.

IN NEW YORK CITY, BORN AND RAISED

POLISHING MY PISTOL'S HOW I SPENT MY DAYS

FINGERING, TINKERING, TOUCHING UP MY TOOL

CLEANING IT AND MAKING ALL THE LOVELY LADIES DROOL

WHEN SUPERMAN FELL FROM THE SKIES ABOVE,

SAID, "I CAN PWN YOUR PURPLE-HELMETED WARRIOR OF LOVE".

SO I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF MY PILE-DRIVING PLEXUS

AND REALIZED, "I SHOULD MAKE MEN'S SUITS IN TEXAS".

I HAILED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR

IT HAD A STICKER THAT SAID "OBJECTS SMALLER IN MIRROR".

I SAID TO THE CABBIE "I CAN PROVE THAT WRONG!"

SO I SHOWED THE GOOD SIR MY SIZABLE SCHLONG

IT VERILY WAS A SIGHT THAT HE JUST COULDN'T QUIT

AND THAT'S WHEN I FIRST PROCLAIMED "I GUARANTEE IT!"

I PULLED UP TO MY MANSION WITH A TRUCK OF WOMEN

AND GAVE THEM ALL A TASTE OF MY OMNIPOTENT SEMEN

LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM AND KNEW I WOULD FIT

AND THAT'S HOW I CAME TO SAY, "I GUARANTEE IT!"

Moar

George Zimmer approves of Wicca

Fresh from the fields of /b/.

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. IT MAY BE, BEING THAT I BOAST THE BIGGEST BACULUM IN THIS BLUE EARTH, THAT I WOULD MACARONICLY MAKE THE MISTAKE OF REMOVING MAGIC FROM MY MIND. MORBIDLY MADE-UP TO EXPOUND THE CONTRARY THIS MISTAKE, I AM A MAGNIFICENT MAGE OF THE RIGHT-HAND PATH, IF YOU PICK UP ON MY PACHYGLOSSAL PAEAN. AS I SERVED THE SORCERERS' SIGHT WITH MY SACCULAR, SEMINIVEROUS SERPIGO OF SCORTATION, I COULDN'T HELP BUT PEER TO THE PRETTY APPRENTICE THAT PRESENTED PREMATURELY HER BULGING AND BEAUTIFUL BUMGUMBLIES, ALMOST ESCAPING THE IMPRISONMENT OF HER UNNECESSARY ARTICLE OF TORSO CLOTHING. MY PALACEOUS, PENIL PUMP PLOPPED FORTH IN A GLORIOUS BLAZE OF BACULIFORM BADNESS. IN AN ANGELIC ASCENSION OF UTTER AWESOME, IT ENTERED HER ABSONANT ASS IN AN ABJECT AND ABLOW ACTION, HER ABRAIDED EYES GLEAMING WITH THE TEARS OF THE GLORIOUS GLOP THAT IS ZIMMER SLOP. ENDING WITH AN ABTERMINAL ACCELERATION OF ANTICIPATED ANIMOSITY, SHE AND I LET FORTH A RIGOROUS ROAR IN UNISON, HERS A BANSHEE'S BELLOW, AND MINE THE LION'S LOUD LAMPOON. MY CHANCE AS A CHANTER OF WITCHCRAFT WAS CHARRED, BUT MY MIDSECTION'S MIGHTY MISSILE WAS MUCH OBLIGED BY THE MACROBIAN MOMENT OF MANIC MONOGONY. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer on YTMND

After owning YTMND with his colossal frosting dispenser, the YTMND thieves decided to smuggle Zimmer into the border. Unfortunately, they always do it wrong, so if you thought Zimmer was funny on YTMND, kill yourself.