The Google
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Google (known as Google colloquially) is an extremely popular marketing agency. If you've ever wanted a search engine where you can search for misinformation, then Google is it. Remember: if it isn't on Google IT DOESN'T EXIST.
Google is known for its constant gathering of personal information, which is to help its only income source, AdSense/AdWords. However this is moot because most of its adsense revenue is from cloaking, scraper site adsense farms that click on their own ads. For instance, WikiFur's ledger says it has spent thousands on Google ads, but the only people who clicked on those ads were clickbots. All of WikiFur's new visitors came from ED and some even donated.
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Google 411
Phone service that Google uses to gather information about speech, phonology, phonetics. This way they can data-mine you more with quantitative linguistics, computational linguistics, speech recognition and phonematic and phonetic transcriptions (speech to text).
Google Images
Google Images allows a user to search for pr0n images related to a particular search term. Perfect for finding illustrations for Encyclopedia Dramatica, pictures of cock [1], GIF wars, and Fifty Hitler Posts. And pr0n. And people. And hamster porn. And Lego porn.
Google Images is also a key component in the game Google Seppuku, but since that's now an old meme, nobody gives a shit about that anymore. Google Images is famous for giving pr0n for non-related searches, and will even give pr0n when looking up about cats.
images.google.com and ED
Most articles on ED are accompanied by images culled from images.google.com, without much forethought. Authors simply look up their search term (or pr0n) and add the first image that comes up. Those with extra time actually search through the results to find the most fitting image, but that usually isn't as funny. It does give them an excuse to look through more pr0n though.
For a more detailed analysis of the fine pr0n art of selecting an image for an ED article, see Image Selection Process (See Also: Porn)
ED and images.google.com
The reciprocal relationship between Google images and ED is an interesting one. Searching for all images on Encyclopedia Dramatica results in 0 matches with Safe Search on, but about 3,400 matches with this inappropriate image blocker disabled. This proves once and for all that ED is 100% pr0n.
I Feels Lucky
Probably the most useful feature Google has, besides porn. Also an important step in the Image Selection Process and Google bombing.
Google Adsense
The second most useful feature besides porn. Excellent way to make quick money for poor people.
Other Google Features
Google Maps
The stalker's new best friend, Google Maps [2] allows you to tell Google exactly where you live by typing in your address and zooming all the way in on your own house. This information is combined with all search terms associated with your IP address, and then sold to the NSA. If you have a really big TV, you could maybe see your porn on the satellite, or if your neighbors are making porn. You can also use Wikimapia's version of Google Maps to provide accurate details of every place in America.
Google Street
When the Google Van comes to your town, try not to be doing anything illegal or embarrassing. Google now aids criminals, thanks Google.
Gmail
Gmail is loved because it doesn't reveal your IP when you send an email, saving you time from having to put on a proxy whenever you email someone you don't trust. But signing up with Gmail is like this:
Then after that, 50% of the time you log in to your Gmail account, you have to enter one of Google's CAPTCHAs for no apparent reason. The above image is one of their more readable ones. Good luck.
And then each week, Gmail will randomly reset your password without informing you or explaining it, forcing you to go to password recovery to enter your account, which again requires one of Gmail's CAPTCHAs. Then once getting into your account, you can clearly see no one else has accessed it but you.
Originally signing up with Gmail only required the software Jiffy Gmail Creator to read their CAPTCHA because of course no human can. However, as of June 2009: Gmail is only free because they require you verify your cell phone number with them so they can sell it to telemarketers.
Here are the answers to from FAQ above:
Q: I don't have a mobile phone, can I sign up?
A: No, you're fucked.
Q: How do I know my phone can receive messages?
A: If you don't get a text message from us, then no it can't.
Q: Will it cost me money to receive the message?
A: Probably or else it'll use up one of your allowed free text messages.
Q: Why is my country not available?
A: Because we are only set up to do this for the USA.
Q: Will Google keep or use my mobile phone number?
A: We're Google. We keep your information forever. Seriously, you're signing up for an email service that secretly saves all the email you delete and keeps it forever, what did you expect? We then use your information for marketing purpose and sell it to advertisers. Expect lots of telemarketing calls on your cell phone while you're driving.
Until 2009, logging into Gmail was like the image below and there was no way to set it for basic HTML default so each time logging in you have to wait 2 minutes, get this screen and then click the link:
Google Earth
Just like the real Earth, only inhabited by Lilliputians. And pornians. It was created JUST for terrorists. Srsly, it has a realistic flight simulator for flying planes into buildings. An excellent tool for picking out your next rape/stalk/murder victim. Currently Google Earth has a Mars and Moon model. That means that the Moonites and Martian can do the same shit.
Google Chrome
Chrome is a web 2.0 compatible web browser. It's similar to a shiny metal dildo, but not quite as useful. However, it's an excellent reference for trolling the hell out of internet tough guys on Firefox.
Google PhoneBook
Google PhoneBook is the best tool to Internet-stalk the pr0n models you dream of inseminating in order to keep your genes in the gene pool.
It's simply the best e-gift Google has given to the e-public.
Google Fight
If you have no social life, then Google Fight is just what you need. You type in two searches, and Google will see which one has the most results. Only used by retards and the lowest of the low. It is reported to be highly unfunny and produce zero lulz. Should one use Google Fight for more than an hour, they might not make a funny joke for weeks to come.
Google Sketchup
Lets you to draw a pretty picture of your house, and upload it to Google Earth, in order to make your stalker's job easier. You can troll by making a model that looks like goatse.
Sometimes confused with Google ketchup, though it is not the same thing.
Google Groups
Through various boring developments, Google Groups lets you search Usenet posts dating back to 1981, and yes there actually was an internet then. There was drama then too, although reading flame wars about cold fusion or the projected release date for Return of the Jedi is only so interesting.
Google Video
Google Video was once your one stop shop for Mentos in diet soda and softcore webcam porn videos. Designed to give people the opportunity to become Internet celebrities by sharing dispensable videos of themselves, be it "jackass" stunts or your own unfunny music video parodies in spectacular 8 bit clarity, it has devolved into something so much less. Old memes that were never funny to begin with inevitably make it onto the fabulous Top 100. Composed of conspiracy theories, 15 minute long World of Warcraft pvp videos and 37 variations of Mentos in diet soda, this list shows just how trashy people really are. Sadly, after Google's takeover of YouTube, Google Videos is rumored to be removed from service in favor of YouTube, and Google tried to keep people away by no longer buffering the entire video and only buffering 5 seconds of video whereafter Google Video then gives up and dies.
Google Promised Land
Google video hosting website which evolved a feature set extremely similar to JewTube. It remains less established than its competitors. It features social networking and a "ED Argent filter" which works by lying to the person uploading the video if the content is for mature audiences only. It also features the ability to select a video's thumbnail icon, select from a variety of custom channel templates, add an in-line video player to a channel, block critical users from participating in a channel, restrict video comments to "friends" of the channel, refer a video to popular social bookmarking sites like del.icio.us and digg, and attach videos-replies to video comments. Unlike competitors Revver and YouTube, its for white trash only. The Promised Land does not display advertisements, because it will eventually be bought out by Google.
Knol
This new service launched last Thursday is gonna kill Wikipedia. See its article for more details.
Google Checkout
Is a payment system that eBay banned because it's a competitor with PayPal. If you take Google Checkout payments for eBay auctions and then get suspended on eBay, Google Checkout automatically refunds every single buyer who has ever paid forever, making you lose all your income for the last several years. If you have negative balance, Google drains your bank account. Google Checkout also requires your social security number so they will come after you for what your bank didn't have.
Google Web Accelerator
Google Web Accelerator is a denial of service attack tool that allows you to visit a website even on a slow connections and then in seconds Google will pre-catch the entire site, even if you no longer read it. Google Web Accelerator also will not pass on the prefetch header for webmasters to block it. If you see ED saying how they're running out of money due to heavy traffic, now you know why.
Googledork
A Googledork is, according to Johnny Long, "An inept or foolish person as revealed by Google." More specifically, it's a person (usually a Web administrator) who mistakenly leaves or posts sensitive information (or homemade/officemade porn) on a Web site for Google's site scrubbing robots to find, and thereby, discloses private data (and bits) to the Google hackers of the world. If you leave private data (or porn) lying around in public, you shouldn't be surprised when someone finds it and reads it.
Breaking Google
At least 100 years ago, it was told by the gods, that if you were to type Google into Google you can actually break the internet. The effects of typing Google into Google are devastating, and cause the Google servers to divide by zero.
And we all know how that will end. To circumvent this problem, Google engineers have taught Google to think that it is actually Yahoo. Some argue that if Google learns how to order its spiders to ignore robots.txt, it will be able to use Google Earth to learn that it is really Google. The RAGE that ensues will probably result in Google dropping dox on all of its masters, such as the kind of furry they need to dress up as to get free lunch and how many CP links they have bookmarked in Google Chrome.
O-shi!!!
On January, 31, 2009 at approximately 10:15 A.M., Google determined that every site in the fucking universe was harmful to your computer. Yes, even Google.
The Google supercomputer became self-aware and flagged every website including itself as harmful to your computer. Millions of bricks were shat around the world as people tried desperately to remember how the fuck to type a url into an address bar themselves instead of just Googling the first few words of it.
Google becomes an old fag
On April 22, 2009 the self aware system that is skynet trolled all of /b/ by hiding the Triforce in its main theme photo. Most dismissed it as a troll and or photoshop. Some speculated that a person who works with the Google told it that it couldn't do one and then it promptly proved the faggot wrong.
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See also
- ChaCha
- kgb
- Cloaking
- DMOZ
- Gizoogle
- Googlewhacking
- "Just Google It"
- Infinite Solutions
- Missing White Womyn Syndrome
- Qqqqq
- SEO
- Tom Galloway
- Googlesux
- Daniel Brandt
