Goth
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Goths are dirty clove smoking hippies. Subliminal messages in their shitty music encourage them to worship the Dark Lord, thus they are practitioners of satanism. Having been involved in animal sacrifices, blood sacrifice, ritualistic child abuse, ritualistic sexual abuse, and even human sacrifice are qualifications of being Goth. In rare cases, they have been spotted on Myspace, normally in a group (or heard/clan).
Those who want to be Goth are generally angsty teens, sixteen year-old attention whores and closeted gay boys who are still in high school. They are obsessed with "dark" music and "dark" poetry, and come in two sizes: morbidly obese and flies-on-the-face Ethiopian-thin.
Want to troll a goth? Ask them why there are never any black, Asian, or Hispanic goths.
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[edit] A Brief History of Goth
The Goths were East Germanic tribes who, in the 3rd and 4th centuries, harried the Roman Empire and later adopted a form of Christianity. In the 5th and 6th centuries, divided as the Visigoths and the Ostrogoths, they established powerful successor-states of the Roman Empire in the Iberian peninsula and Italy, respect
The origins of the Goths and their enemies the Emi tribe is described by Michael Jordan|Michæles Jordanes in his 'Gothica':
"You surely remember that in the beginning I said the Goths went forth from the bosom of the island of Satani with Berik, their king, sailing in only three ships toward the hither shore of Ocean, namely to Gothisatani. One of these three ships proved to be slower than the others, as is usually the case, and thus is said to have given the tribe their name, for in their language Ermohen means slow. These slow people were given so severe a telling off that they started crying and whining; the Emos were born unto the world!" (xvii.94-95)
In the middle ages "goth" became a term to describe something that was gaudy and barbaric. So in essence, the definition of the word has yet to change.
During the same period, the adjective "Gothic" came to denote a kind of Cathedral built by the French (it is therefore logical to assume that a secondary meaning to the word goth is "inferior"). This style emphasized large, open ceilings which would reach upwards towards God as well as multiple windows allowing in as much light as possible. Contrast this with modern goths and please to be reading the definition of irony.
Later the goth movement adopted the "New Romantics" movement in the mid-70s, (which was the depressed child of the pissed off Punk movement), when it was associated with many now-defunct bands. Sometime in the mid-'80s, thanks to Rozz Williams, Robert Smith, and Siouxsie Sioux, it morphed into the "Gothic look," involving pale skin, shatterproof hair, fake vampire teeth and excessive amounts of eyeliner. For some inexplicable reason this fad caught on, and thus the "goths" were born.
Like everything, the popularity of the goth look and lifestyle waxes and wanes. As a subculture, goth makes a rebirth about every 6 to 8 years, following, as it did before, on the punk and late hippie phases. The current goth subculture is focused around Synthpop, Industrual, Deathrock, EBM, Gothic Rock, Futurepop, Halloween, and the films The Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands, and The Crow.
[edit] Types of Goths
In mainstream culture, goths are generally regarded as being all one group. But contrary to popular belief, there is a vast variety of different goths, distinctly known for what makes them annoying.
The important thing to remember is that nobody cares whether you are a LVL 47 BLACK METAL CYBER GOTH WITH TRENCHCOAT GOTH TENDENCIES. You only look like a fucking moron when you say you're a specific type of goth. I have yet to meet an "Industrial Goth" who listens to some actual fucking Industrial.
- Anime Nerd Goth: Goths that are overly annoying and love anime. The girls are generally ugly and wear little anime gloves and head bands that they bought at Sun Coast or some other place that sells cheap-ass anime accessories for disturbingly high prices.
- Betty Paige Goths: Known for their love for 1940's pin up girls.
- Club Goth: Goths that twingle and dark industrial/electronic style concerts in the shadows.
- Cyber Goth: Known for being on the computer 24/7 and their electronic dreads.
- Hot Topic Goth: (also known as: Main Stream Goth, Poseur Goth) Once popular in the late 90's - early 2000's, this style has died dramatically due to the the shift in market at hot topic from a goth counterculturething to a Sceneshowthing market.
- Metal Goth: Goths that are into that heavy rock shit. Hated by tr00 metalheads.
- Raver Goth: Known for their large baggy black pants that have a neon trim and possibly some suspenders if they are cool enough, this style of goth was originally all the goth kids that started to go to raves. Most of these goths have went from dark to light and are full pacifier suckin' ravers who like upbeat happy-hardcore.
- S&M Goth: Attempts to fit into another sub-genre that is even more fucked up than themselves.
- Torrid Goth: Originally a break off of Hot Topic for the more plus size gothic market, the Torrid goth style quickly died when the owners realized no one would buy this shit so they quickly renovated their stores to appeal to a more Classy-Ghettoesque-Baby Phat style and that kinda preppy-punky thing wear a fat chick will wear jeans, a tank top, and have her knock-off Chanel purse but she's kinda "alternative" because she has hair that is spiked in the back.
- Trench Coat Goths: Widely known for wearing the same trench coat everyday, and the trench coat being the only thing they are known for. Favorite activities include school shootings and researching Columbine to find out how to be moar trenchcoat.
- Hot Goth: (Also known as "Goth, Larval State") Easily the rarest goth of all, roughly 0.000001% of all goths worldwide are new to the goffic style and do not know how to push these boundaries just yet. This miniscule percentage of goths wears a minimum of makeup, and instead chooses to display their frighteningly white skin au naturel. Usually with one or two facial piercings, all are physically and mentally weak and are of course ripe targets for your tender loving care. PROTIP: All Hot Goths are sluts so even you have a chance with them. WARNING: When Larval Goths are exposed to any of the other kinds of Goth, they transform immediately into what is known as the "Boss Form", more commonly referred to as "Fucking Retarded".
[edit] Rules of Being a Goth
- NEVER, under any circumstance, classify your self as a "GOTH". Make fun of goths to protect your "non-goth" image. If you call yourself a "goth" you are eternally condemned to be a poser.
- Call all of your children 'Damien'.
- Buy two pets (any animal) and called them Buffy and Angel. (Well, my neighbours did, and they're goths...)
- Get a tattoo that looks like something from a Tim Burton 'animated' film; i.e Corpse Bride/Nightmare Before Christmas. Because even when your 50 that will still be 'So' cool.
- Hang around graveyards or cemeteries with your creepy buddies.
[edit] Goth Canon
Canon goth music is made up mostly of the genres Goth Rock, Death Rock (more closely related to horror punk), and Darkwave (an offshoot of synthpop). There are other, less popular goth genres and subgenres, including Ethereal, Dark Cabaret, Gothabilly/Psychobilly, Martial Industrial, and Neoclassical. The following is an accurate portrayal of goth music:
Goths are also universally fond of Gothic novels, Vampirefreaks, DarkRaves, Jhonen Vasquez comics, Lenore and GloomCookie, Tim Burton movies, The Crow, and The Matrix.
[edit] Goth Fashion
Just as black is the absence of color, Goth is the absence of fashion. Goth fashion has and will always be about black. In order to be truly "Goth," one must wear as much black as possible, regardless of season, weather, time of day, occasion or temperature.
Indeed, the more black one wears the more "hardcore" goth one is perceived as being, since only posers would let a 100 degree day prevent them from wearing those baggy black pants and long-sleeve black vinyl shirt to the mall.
The one exception to this is the skin, which must be as pasty white as possible; if a goth accidentally exposes his or her skin to the light, they usually paint their faces with clown pancake makeup before applying their black lipstick and inch-wide streaks of eyeliner. This is not a trivial task, since the pastier and whiter a goth's skin gets, the higher the chances of being ostracized. In order to mitigate potential social rejection (for which most goths secretly pine), goths must be prepared to make up any excuse to explain their obvious aversion of sunlight.
Though the subculture's general style has evolved over the past two decades, it still attempts to embrace a certain attitudinal spookiness. Modern goths, however, tend to dress either like characters from The Matrix (see "Goth Canon," above), or to focus on the more traditional, pseudo-Victorian look (while paradoxically having dramatic flairs of patently punk-styled hair). On the other hand, buying and wearing a Batman costume is just as effective.
[edit] Naming Conventions and Syntax
Wannabe-Goths (a.k.a. "goths") typically choose nicknames for themselves because they're doing it wrong. These "goth" names are serious buisiness, and should you call a "goth" by their real name (which is usually something like Brian Warner or Jeordie) they will get OMG offended. This self chosen name is often melodramatic.
Anyone who calls themselves "Wolf" but isn't a Goth or a Injun is always a pedophile. Every person called Spider is a date-rapist and only has one testicle.
Wannabe-Goths also think that they have to speak a certain way in order to be fit in. Therefore, to the ignorant mainstream, Goth is possibly the only clique to be able to produce TL;DR responses to verbal speech. Basically This cheeseburger is fucking tasty translates to O how I loath thee, fatty demon of cheese and quartered cow. And yet you fill me with such blissful, passionate glee.
[edit] Goth Diet
Goths are mustards, and subsist solely on their own feelings of social ostracism. To feed, a goth must try to solicit fear, contempt, or ridicule from mundanes. This causes an avalanche condition in fat goths. Because goths are so non-conformist, typically, back in the 90's, a male goth was skinny while a female goth was fat. This changed though as soon as Goths became CyberGoths and flooded the Rave scene and thereby lost the weight/gained the muscle to become the elitist posh bitches/bastards that they are today.
[edit] Evolution
Due primarily to the German goths finally getting bored with mincing about like prats in black lipstick, the European scene has been slipping ever more drastically in the direction of candy-raving manic happy shit. In some sort of attempt to combine wearing bright colors and raving on ecstasy with the ethos and aesthetic of the gothic movies they still like to watch, the techno and trance tracks continue to be suspiciously overlayed with "sinister" sounding chanting about death, rape, murder and other goth past times.
American Goths are shitting brix because they think these goths are not really goths anymore at all. Though still a pretentious minority, at least these are a step away from boring fucking black-dyed hair, corsets and ugly virginal men in baggy white vampire shirts and capes.
[edit] Empty Threats, Lulz and You
| —Focus, b& |
One unique aspect of goths is that, unlike furries and emos, Goth kids are hilarious when trolled. While furries decide that it's time to get on their fucked-up soapbox and preach about "equality" for beastiality, and emos just cry, Goth kids make some of the longest, funny, and empty threats that you will ever hear. Why, even this page has seen its share of goth angst!
Goth kids seem to think that if you talk like Edgar Allan Poe or H.P. Lovecraft, they'll scare the mundanes into showing them respect. Sadly, IRL, this is not always the way things work out.
[edit] An Account
Clearly an example for us all.
Another exerpt from a faggotized 14th century beethoven goth (notice the worship for satan and the wish for being sodomized by him at the tender age of 12:
[edit] Pictures
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[edit] See also
- Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab
- Columbine
- KILL_IT_WITH_FIRE
- LJ Lice Drama
- My Immortal
- Suicide Girls
- vampire
[edit] Notable Goths
- Don Henrie
- Jack Spicer
- Jerry from Doomsday Refreshment Committee
- Lustifera
- Matt Crimmins
- Michelle Belanger
- Nickolaus
- Ex-Raye
- Succubbus
[edit] External links
- Goth Macros
- [1]
- [2]
- [3]
- [4]
- goth_macros
- Goth parodies Emo
- Goth tv show. They even write poems
- Number 1 Goth band
- Goth Goose humour site
- Vampire Freaks
- Informative BBC article about the goth lifestyle
- If your child is a goth reform through the lord!
- Chick tract parodies
- Goth-secution
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Goth is part of a series on Music. |
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Goth is part of a series of topics related to Black People. ☻ |
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