Goth
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Goths are dirty clove smoking hippies. And are often, if not always secret practitioners of satanism. Having been involved in animal sacrifices, blood sacrifice, ritualistic child abuse, ritualistic sexual abuse, and even human sacrifice. Listening to Evanescence subliminally encourages them to worship the dark lord satan. Goths wake up in the morning and put their shit on and say "gawd i look good" and then proceed to go to Starbucks in the evening and get insomnia. Real Goths provide lulz for people who are fail.
Those who want to be Goth but are DOING IT WRONG are generally angsty teens, sixteen year-old attention whores and closeted gay boys who are still in high school. They are obsessed with "dark" music and "dark" poetry, and come in two sizes: morbidly obese and flies-on-the-face Ethiopian-thin.
Real Goths are essentially people who wear more makeup and listen to good bands like Tupac, Britney Spears, Shakira, Backstreet Boys, Clan of Xymox, Down AKA kilo, Justin Timberdick, Girls Aloud, Mexican Music, and the Beatles, instead of Cradle of Filth and Linkin Park. Tara Gilesbie is definitely one of them, as proven by her constant name-dropping of totally goffik band My Chemical Romance and self-harming. That's because all goths are fags.
Contrary to faggotry and ignorance, Goths and Emos are the same thing, except when it's an Emo guy wearing his sister's pants. Then he's just a fag. Emos tend to dress in a shitty and shallow watered-down version of a Hardcore Punk, while Goths spend hundreds of dollars on clothing designed by brands that you can find at any Hot Topic.
Emos tend to whine, pretend to have problems, and won't shut the fuck up, while Goths on the other hand are usually somewhat psychotic, manic-depressive and keep things to themselves. This does not detract from the truth of the fact that most members of either group are losers.
It has been proven that hanging around Goths will inevitably make you wish you were Batman or death.
Want to troll a goth? Ask them why there are never any black, Asian, or Hispanic goths.
Contents |
[edit] A Brief History of Goth
The Goths were East Germanic tribes who, in the 3rd and 4th centuries, harried the Roman Empire and later adopted a form of Christianity. In the 5th and 6th centuries, divided as the Visigoths and the Ostrogoths, they established powerful successor-states of the Roman Empire in the Iberian peninsula and Italy, respect
The origins of the Goths and their enemies the Emi tribe is described by Michael Jordan|Michæles Jordanes in his 'Gothica':
"You surely remember that in the beginning I said the Goths went forth from the bosom of the island of Satani with Berik, their king, sailing in only three ships toward the hither shore of Ocean, namely to Gothisatani. One of these three ships proved to be slower than the others, as is usually the case, and thus is said to have given the tribe their name, for in their language Ermohen means slow. These slow people were given so severe a telling off that they started crying and whining; the Emos were born unto the world!" (xvii.94-95)
Later the goth movement adopted the "New Romantics" movement in the mid-70s, (which was the depressed child of the pissed off Punk movement), when it was associated with many now-defunct bands. Sometime in the mid-'80s, thanks to Rozz Williams, Robert Smith, and Siouxsie Sioux, it morphed into the "Gothic look," involving pale skin, shatterproof hair, fake vampire teeth and excessive amounts of eyeliner. For some inexplicable reason this fad caught on, and thus the "goths" were born.
Like everything, the popularity of the goth look and lifestyle waxes and wanes. As a subculture, goth makes a rebirth about every 6 to 8 years, following, as it did before, on the punk and late hippie phases. The current goth subculture is focused around Synthpop, Industrual, Deathrock, EBM, Gothic Rock, Futurepop, Halloween, and the films The Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands, and The Crow.
[edit] Types of Goths
In mainstream culture, goths are generally regarded as being all one group. But contrary to popular belief, there is a vast variety of different goths, distinctly known for what makes them annoying.
The important thing to remember is that nobody cares whether you are a LVL 47 BLACK METAL CYBER GOTH WITH TRENCHCOAT GOTH TENDENCIES. You only look like a fucking moron when you say you're a specific type of goth. I have yet to meet an "Industrial Goth" who listens to some actual fucking Industrial.
- Anime Nerd Goth: Goths that are overly annoying and love anime. The girls are generally ugly and wear little anime gloves and head bands that they bought at Sun Coast or some other place that sells cheap-ass anime accessories for disturbingly high prices.
- Betty Paige Goths: Known for their love for 1940's pin up girls.
- Club Goth: Goths that twingle and dark industrial/electronic style concerts in the shadows.
- Cyber Goth: Known for being on the computer 24/7 and their electronic dreads.
- Hot Topic Goth: (also known as: Main Stream Goth, Poseur Goth) Once popular in the late 90's - early 2000's, this style has died dramatically due to the the shift in market at hot topic from a goth counterculturething to a Sceneshowthing market.
- Metal Goth: Goths that are into that heavy rock shit.
- Raver Goth: Known for their large baggy black pants that have a neon trim and possibly some suspenders if they are cool enough, this style of goth was originally all the goth kids that started to go to raves. Most of these goths have went from dark to light and are full pacifier suckin' ravers who like upbeat happy-hardcore.
- S&M Goth: Attempts to fit into another sub-genre that is even more fucked up than themselves.
- Torrid Goth: Originally a break off of Hot Topic for the more plus size gothic market, the Torrid goth style quickly died when the owners realized no one would buy this shit so they quickly renovated their stores to appeal to a more Classy-Ghettoesque-Baby Phat style and that kinda preppy-punky thing wear a fat chick will wear jeans, a tank top, and have her knock-off Chanel purse but she's kinda "alternative" because she has hair that is spiked in the back.
- Trench Coat Goths: Widely known for wearing the same trench coat everyday, and the trench coat being the only thing they are known for. Favorite activities include school shootings and researching Columbine to find out how to be moar trenchcoat.
- Hot Goth: (Also known as "Goth, Larval State") Easily the rarest goth of all, roughly 0.000001% of all goths worldwide are new to the goffic style and do not know how to push these boundaries just yet. This miniscule percentage of goths wears a minimum of makeup, and instead chooses to display their frighteningly white skin au naturel. Usually with one or two facial piercings, all are physically and mentally weak and are of course ripe targets for your tender loving care. PROTIP: All Hot Goths are sluts so even you have a chance with them. WARNING: When Larval Goths are exposed to any of the other kinds of Goth, they transform immediately into what is known as the "Boss Form", more commonly referred to as "Fucking Retarded".
[edit] Rules of Being a Goth
- NEVER, under any circumstance, classify your self as a "GOTH". Make fun of goths to protect your "non-goth" image. If you call yourself a "goth" you are eternally condemned to be a poser.
- Call all of your children 'Damien'.
- Buy two pets (any animal) and called them Buffy and Angel. (Well, my neighbours did, and they're goths...)
- Get a tattoo that looks like something from a Tim Burton 'animated' film; i.e Corpse Bride/Nightmare Before Christmas. Because even when your 50 that will still be 'So' cool.
[edit] Goth Canon
- PROTIP: Most of these bands are actually industrial, which isn't really goth. Gothfags, however, still listen to them.
Canon goth music is made up mostly of the genres Goth Rock, Death Rock (more closely related to horror punk), and Darkwave (an offshoot of synthpop). There are other, less popular goth genres and subgenres, including Ethereal, Dark Cabaret, Gothabilly/Psychobilly, Martial Industrial, and Neoclassical. The "canon" of classic goth bands includes:
- Doomsday Refreshment Committee
- Mindless Self Indulgence (Hot Topic heroes)
- London After Midnight (Darkwave)
- Christian Death (Deathrock)
- Sigue Sigue Sputnik (technically a satellite with "Sigue Sigue" written before it)
- Alien Sex Fiend (Death Rock)
- Sisters of Mercy (Goth Rock, no matter how much Andrew denies it)
- Siouxsie and the Banshees (and the Creatures; a side project) (technically a sandwich)
- Bauhaus (technically David Bowie's whores)
- Ziggy Stardust (technically David Bowie)
- KMFDM, (technically a bunch of old German who sing about anarchy) (Hard Rock)
- Apoptygma Berzerk (used to be good; correction, REMIXES used to be good.) (synthrock/synthpop)
- And One (synthpop)
- Das Ich (electrogoth)
- Hanzel und Gretyl (technically wish they were German)
- Mesh (More like alternative rock + shitty synthesizer, but they're passed off as industrial/goth)
- VNV Nation (essentially, brilliant) (synthpop)
- Dope Stars Inc. (Electro-Fag for Wops)
- Icon of Coil - Combichrist's "intelligent" attempt at a side project <-WRONG! Combichrist is the side project of IoC, you dumbshit. (EBM)
- Front 242 (EBM)
- Psyclon Nine (aggrotech/EBM)
- Front Line Assembly (EBM)
- PIGFACE
- The Mission
- The Crüxshadows (very synthpoppy darkwave)
- The Damned (technically just ordinary musicians in Hell) (punk, some Goth Rock)
- Project Pitchfork (synthpop)
- Danse Society
- The Cure (technically medicine) (encompasses multiple genres, including Goth Rock)
- Combichrist (EBM)
- The 69 Eyes (Hard Rock)
- Calabrese (technically horror punk)
- Clan of Xymox (technically a cult of people who write music based on shitty alien flicks) (Trance, Darkwave)
- Bella Morte (technically just gothed-up Linkin Park)
- Covenant (Kind of, maybe, sort of.) (Synthpop, EBM)
- Fields of the Nephilim (pretentious) (Also, awesome Goth Rock)
- Skinny Puppy (Technically an emaciated dog. Mostly Post-Industrial and Industrial-influenced music, with some actual Industrial songs)
- <PIG>
- Rosetta Stone (Pop, Goth Rock)
- Razed In Black (Shit)
- My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult (wannabe industrial)
- Zeromancer (see above)
- L'ame Immortelle (Crapping out shitty albums since 2006!)
- Specimen (Glam/Death Rock)
- .45 Grave (Death Rock)
- AFI (Technically emo hogshit, but often debated to actually be gothic horseshit. As if there's a difference.) (moar lyk scene)
- Blaqk Audio (EBM/Synthpop/Shit)
- Switchblade Symphony
- Joy Divison (technically a bunch of prostitutes kept for nazis back in the late 1970's and early 1980's.) (Also a Post-Punk and Proto-Goth, to the point that they are considered by most to be goth, band)
- The Birthday Party (technically OMGEXSPERIMENTAL!!!!!!!!!11!!)
- The Birthday Massacre (Synthrock/EBM/Crap)
- Cradle of Filth (A non shite goth likes to keep their fingerprints off this train wreck) (Shitty metal that only faggots will ever listen to.)
- Oingo Boingo (eventually, just "Boingo", and now just dead) (technically a growth of some kind)
- The Dave Clark 5
- ASP (monestary reject)
- Emilie Autumn (Who wouldnt bang her?!?!)(Synthpop/somewhat Darkwave/somewhat crap)
- Velvet Acid Christ (Drugs) (EBM)
- Deathstars (Get laid more than you) (shitty metal bands)
- Terminal Choice (technically a horror movie) (Rammstein wannabe electro-rock with embarrassingly bad lyrics)
- Blutengel ("blood-angel" in German) (vampire wannabe Goth EBM with embarrassingly bad lyrics, written by the same guy as Terminal Choice)
- Colony 5 (technically a Star Trek reference) (synthpop with embarrassingly bad lyrics, like Blutengel but worse)
- Deadstar Assembly (technically faggots) (if you call this industrial you're an idiot)
Goths are also universally fond of Gothic novels, Vampirefreaks, DarkRaves, Jhonen Vasquez comics, Lenore and GloomCookie, Tim Burton movies, The Crow, and The Matrix.
The above is only true if you are a faggot.
Probably the only well-known graphic novels that are associated in any way with the gothic subculture are Neil Gaiman's Sandman comics. VampireFreaks and Jhonen Vasquez are for poseurs and fucktards. The Crow is a great graphic novel, but the movie pretty much sucked. The soundtrack only had like two actual goth songs. The Matrix is more popular with the EBM crowd, but some goths do enjoy it.
[edit] Goth Fashion
Just as black is the absence of color, Goth is the absence of fashion. Goth fashion has and will always be about black. In order to be truly "Goth," one must wear as much black as possible, regardless of season, weather, time of day, occasion or temperature. Indeed, the more black one wears the more "hardcore" goth one is perceived as being, since only posers would let a 100 degree day prevent them from wearing those baggy black pants and long-sleeve black vinyl shirt to the mall.
The one exception to this is the skin, which must be as pasty white as possible; if a goth accidentally exposes his or her skin to the light, they usually paint their faces with clown pancake makeup before applying their black lipstick and inch-wide streaks of eyeliner. This is not a trivial task, since the pastier and whiter a goth's skin gets, the higher the chances of being ostracized. In order to mitigate potential social rejection (for which most goths secretly pine), goths must be prepared to make up any excuse to explain their obvious aversion of sunlight.
Though the subculture's general style has evolved over the past two decades, it still attempts to embrace a certain attitudinal spookiness. Modern goths, however, tend to dress either like characters from The Matrix (see "Goth Canon," above), or to focus on the more traditional, pseudo-Victorian look (while paradoxically having dramatic flairs of patently punk-styled hair). Formerly, being goth required extensive searching through thrift and second-hand clothing stores. There used to be a time where Hot Topic produced a militia of brainless MallGoths. Now, with the new Emo faggotry, Hot Topic only sells Emo clothing now. It's back to searching through the thrift stores and/or those hidden stores (i.e. Borderline Plus) for all your dark woeful needs. On the other hand, buying and wearing a Batman costume is just as effective.
A steaming goth, is the name for a goth walking into the wind. They have been known to charge their lazer razor, and fire their lazer razor at all lesser beings small animals.
[edit] Recent Developments
Due primarily to the German goths finally getting bored with mincing about like prats in black lipstick, the European scene has been slipping ever more drastically in the direction of candy-raving manic happy shit. Bizarrely. In some sort of attempt to combine wearing bright colors and raving on pills with the ethos and aesthetic of the gothic movies they still like to watch, the techno and trance tracks continue to be suspiciously overlayed with "sinister" sounding chanting about death, rape, murder and suchlike goth toss.
This doesn't alter the fact that these goths are not really goths anymore at all; they are CyberPunks (yet, some are still Goths, making them CyberGoths [Think Blade Runner]). Though still a pretentious minority, at least these are a step away from boring fucking black-dyed hair, corsets and ugly virginal men in baggy white vampire shirts and capes. The music also beats the crap out of Siouxsie and the Banshees. With a crowbar [all puns intended].
Another development (particularly in the UK and America) in the Goth scene is the death rock scene. The death rock scene is pretty much goth but with 'death hawks' and shredded band shirts and fishnet. They're elitist fuckers who think being an underground music whore is cool. The scene is also notable for the amount of heroes it has. If you consider yourself one of them, perhaps you should be an hero too. Seriously. Pick up that twelve gauge, there's a good soldier.
Death rockers are known to hate anything 'popular' or known, going as far as hating known goth idols such as Peter Murphy, that band 'All Gone Dead', Nik Fiend, Rozz Williams, and the Misfits. Even though every fucking death rocker looks exactly the same just like how every goth looks like one another. Fucking borg... Nevertheless, they can stomp the shit out of an emo furfag anyday.
The legend known as Goth has been terminated as of the now, since emo has overthrown the galaxy, and Hot Topic stores everywhere.
[edit] Naming Conventions and Syntax
Wannabe-Goths (a.k.a. "goths") typically choose nicknames for themselves because they're doing it wrong. These "goth" names are serious buisiness, and should you call a "goth" by their real name (which is usually something like Brian Warner or Jeordie) they will get OMG offended. This self chosen name is often melodramatic. Some typical "goth" names are:
- Raven
- Ravyn
- Sebastian
- Spider
- Paris
- Spyder
- Angel
- Mary-Jane
- Angyl
- Tara
- Bob
- Phoenix
- Raziel
- Seraph
- Scarlett
- Ronica
- Ash
- Wolf
- Ravynwolf (combination goth and furry)
- Judas W Antichrist
- Whiplasher Bernadotte
- Bone W Machine
- Hitler
- Billy Bob
- Gaylord
- Fringe
Note: Anyone who calls themselves "Wolf" but isn't a Goth or a Injun is always a pedophile.
NB: Every person called Spider is a date-rapist and only has one testicle.
Wannabe-Goths also think that they have to speak a certain way in order to be fit in. Therefore, to the ignorant mainstream, Goth is possibly the only clique to be able to produce TL;DR responses to verbal speech. Basically
This cheeseburger is fucking tasty.
Translates to
O how I loath thee, fatty demon of cheese and quartered cow. And yet you fill me with such blissful, passionate glee.
[edit] Goth Diet
Goths are mustards, and subsist solely on their own feelings of social ostracism. To feed, a goth must try to solicit fear, contempt, or ridicule from mundanes. This causes an avalanche condition in fat goths. Because goths are so non-conformist, typically, back in the 90's, a male goth was skinny while a female goth was fat. This changed though as soon as Goths became CyberGoths and flooded the Rave scene and thereby lost the weight/gained the muscle to become the elitist posh bitches/bastards that they are today.
[edit] Oh, The Rage That Flows Through My Veins Is Hotter Than A Thousand Hells
- "[J]ust remember jackholes that when you take the piss out of people like this long enough, you wind up with another Columbine massacre. Just keep it coming..." - Focus, b&
One unique aspect of goths is that, unlike furries and emos, Goth kids are hilarious when trolled. While furries decide that it's time to get on their fucked-up soapbox and preach about "equality" for beastiality, and emos just cry, Goth kids make some of the longest, funny, and empty threats that you will ever hear. Why, even this page has seen its share of goth angst!
Goth kids seem to think that if you talk like Edgar Allan Poe or H.P. Lovecraft, they'll scare the mundanes into showing them respect. Sadly, IRL, this is not always the way things work out.
[edit] Faggy Goth
BEFORE READING THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH, NOTE: Real Goths don't act like this. What is shown is a classic example of a poseur who is too ugly to belong in the Goth scene: HAHAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS; all goths are like this
Clearly an example for us all.
Another exerpt from a faggotized 14th century beethoven goth (notice the worship for satan and the wish for being sodomized by him at the tender age of 12:
"To his chamber they sprang with excitement in there thighs to entwine in eternal miraculous play".....A My name is S****r, I’m seventeen years of age. I consider my self to be in league with the GREAT UNHOLY ONE. I am a Satanist, always was and never new it (until my mom got scared and said "You're movin' with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said FRESH and it had dice on the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "Man, forget it." - "Yo homes, to Bel Air" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie "Yo homes smell ya later." I looked at my kingdom; I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air -a year ago). With that said, I cant deny or brush off for that will be ignorant of me, the magnificent influences Religion has impacted on the past and still shapes the present. I enjoy sophisticated classical music and black metal. My instrument of choice is obviously the piano. With its versatility of mood changing climaxes and striking beauty, it warms my cold heart. My second favorite instrument of soul grasping powers and sensuous sounds to the ears would have to be, hands down the accordian."
If that's TL;DR, then:
[edit] Industrial music
While the two subcultures and genres are separate and hardly related, there is much interfandom between the two. Industrial music has a large number of influences, from Luigi Russolo (from the early 1900's) to Kraftwerk (if you don't know of them, you're an idiot), to Punk and Post-Punk. The first true Industrial band, and the creators of Industrial Records, are the band Throbbing Gristle. Other important artists include SPK and Einstürzende Neubauten. Related genres and subgenres are Noise (exactly what it sounds like), Power Electronics, Robot Death Music, Neo-Folk, Dark Ambient, Martial Industrial, American Coldwave, EBM, and much of the hard rock that is often mistaken for industrial due to its use of electronics. Other experimental and avant-garde music.
Unfortunately, EBM and other whiny shit are often confused for Industrial, leading to mislabeling of persons and music. Luckily, most real are Industrial fans are as fat as the posers, so you don't have to worry about incorrect stereotypes.
[edit] See also
- Jerry from Doomsday Refreshment Committee
- Matt Crimmins
- Nickolaus
- Ex-Raye
- LJ Lice Drama
- Succubbus
- Suicide Girls
- Synthetikmisery
- Shakakuskeeper
- Columbine
- KILL_IT_WITH_FIRE
- Jack Spicer
- My Immortal
- Gothreaper
- Bean
- vampire
- Michelle Belanger
- Don Henrie
- Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab
- Lustifera
[edit] External links
- [1]
- Goth Macros
- [2]
- [3]
- [4]
- [5]
- goth_macros
- Goth parodies Emo
- Goth tv show. They even write poems
- Number 1 Goth band
- Goth Goose humour site
- Vampire Freaks
- Informative BBC article about the goth lifestyle
- If your child is a goth reform through the lord!
- Chick tract parodies
- Goth-secution
|
Goth is part of a series on Music. |
|
|
|
Goth is part of a series of topics related to Black People. ☻ |
|
