Grand Theft Auto

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EVERY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES

Not quite the original version but probably the inspiration.

Niggers love the white meat: from a much later take.

Since the dawn of time.

The Grand Theft Auto or GTA games are nominated as "best gaims evar" by thousands of 13 year old boys across the world for featuring childish and juvenile innuendo, driving, shooting, killing, pools of pixellated blood and other such shite. Though first thought of at least 100 years ago, lusers who've no clue about what an amazing game is still consider these concepts to be "amazing" and "ground-breaking".

All of the games in the series are very diverse and ever-changing, but your goal is always to drive generic cars through generic checkpoints and shoot or ram generic pedestrians and other cars with the aid of cartoon violence. Some would argue that killing people in a game is lulz. Regrettably, every one of you 13 year olds has to learn that it's only lulz if you go for the IRL high score.

Unrealistically, you are able to kill/pwn thousands of people and get away with it. This pisses off the average soccer mom and politician. In the 2009 installment, Chinatown Wars, you can even make hundreds of thousands of meaningless virtual dollars by dealing in meaningless virtual drugs. GTA is SERIOUS BUSINESS, the idea being that if kids or even adults play this game they are just about certain to go on random, unprovoked killing sprees. All kinds of violent events are blamed on this game, completely ignoring all of the violence in the world before it came along.

GTA I, II & London

Typical view.

teh bst gaim evar!

Introduction

The 2D GTA games were presented in birds-eye-view and originally released for the PC, then for the PlayStation and Dreamcast. They failed to generate any buzz in the world of gaming because they were totally out-of-date crap.

These 2D games are quite notorious for the worst handling of vehicles and player movement in possibly all of gaming history. Of course, to save time you're going to drive as fast as possible to get to where you need to be, avoiding obstructions and being as l33t as possible. However, even after years (God help) of 2D GTA experience, you'd still remain a gameplay n00b. Driving any faster than 5 mph would result in an inevitable crash into a building or vehicle. Reason being the vehicle under your control moving faster than the display scrolls, so you could never see where the fuck you're heading. Not only that but (the suffering continues), the terrible control system for the vehicle is not suitable for small children or the differently abled: in reverse, you have to press right to go left and left to go right once back in forward. The graphics are total crap, remnants of the time when PC games really did have the world's worst graphics, so these games will soon drive you to become an hero.

You played in GTA 1 & GTA: London as a little blob of color that moved around farting, belching, punching, shooting yellow blobs and getting into vehicles. In GTA 2, however, you were a little black blob of color with a white head, that could do the above AND jump! OMG! AMZNG!1 That's all that was different other than moar weaponriez.

Characters

The games had no original characters or memorable events. The only thing to be related to any sort of original character would be a terribly animated picture of a Obama whose mouth moved a little bit that appeared when you answered his Blackberry.

Story and Gameplay

anotha bst gaim evar!!!

Plots were mostly absent from 1, 2 and the GTA: London expansion fad. From the start you were wondering what's meant to be done, and eventually found yourself answering one of many constantly ringing payphones. Answering a phone would result in you being given unclear instructions on a "job" you were then forced to attempt. These missions would involve killing any amount of people and blowing something up. Yes, they're that detailed. Should you succeed you were given pocket change, and left to answer another payphone.

After you've rinsed and repeated this task; you're then bored and decide you're going nowhere in life. Soon after, you'll become an hero. They aren't considered very exciting, but you at least get new areas to unlock.

Revolutionary Marketing

moar bst gaim evar!!

GTA: London was a massive con. Most people in Britain bought this game cumming over the thought of shooting people outside Buckingham Palace.

After buying the disc (only worth using as a tea coaster) and putting it into their PlayStations, n00bs cried when a message appeared on screen saying "Un-fucking-lucky! You need to buy GTA 1 and insert it first to play this!! n00b!" Some became an hero, while others actually went out and bought GTA 1 as well.

GTA II's creators also created a promo movie or some shit that involved real people making complete fools of themselves as they attempt to act. Beginning with a luser being chased by nigrahs, it ends with that same luser being assassinated by Osama bin Laden. Not worth watching. Period.

Here it is anyway.

amirite?

Gameplay Footage

(Above) GTA II's Job #1 & tutorial which pretty much says it all about how shitty this game really is. The clip fully demonstrates the game's depth and involving gameplay. Or lack of it amirite?

GRAND THEFT AUTO I, II & London = FAIL/100!

GTA III

Teh b3st g3m evar?

Introduction

Many people believe Grand Theft Auto 3 is the first in the series because they suffer from a disease which renders them unable to see a game that is not in simulated 3D. Set in "Liberty City" , you played as some luser with no name who had his vocal chords ripped out as a kid. The NPCs didn't seem to mind him being a mute because he was such a badass, so would often have whole, albeit one-sided, conversations with him.

According to GayFAQs, his name is "Claude Speed".

GTA IS NOT REAL LIFE. Do not attempt this and always wear a seat belt!

This is so your character in GTA: San Andreas (if you're stupid enough to play it) can date "Claude's" girlfriend Catalina and be dumped, with some mention of how her new boyfriend is "Claude Speed".

The Mr. X/Claude Speed controversy led to massive trolling of GameFAQs boards, giving the mods a field day.

Story and Gameplay

The game begins with a boring FMV that takes a couple of hours to show a bit of drug taking and bank robbing.

If you wait long enough to discover that parts of the game are playable, you get to take 8-Bix and X through a 0.02-second journey on foot before they discover a conveniently placed car, complete with radio (happens all the time).

Mister X then somehow finds himself doing "jobs" and "favors" for the Mafia (Don Salvatoré, Tony Cipriáni & Maria), a gang named "El Diablos" (El Burro) and some pervert named "Luigi" who runs a sicko strip bar.

Osama, moments before heading for GTA 3's Liberty City.

Lulz ensues with the AI that is in every GTA to date causing pedestrians to dive in front of your car more often than they avoid it.

For some bizarre reason which can only be the result of a drug cocktail enjoyed by Rockstar employees, some missions include taking photographs of fat men in diapers. I shit you not. Other missions involve the theft of bestiality porn.

At least 100 years of hard labor later, the infamous bridge that was Osama'd at the beginning of this game is miraculously repaired, granting you "Staunton Island": five more square centimetres to run around in.

The game ends when you've killed all of your past buddies because someone told you to on the phone, rescued your booty call from earlier in the game, and Mr. X and her walk off into the sunset (original, eh?). Mister X then puts a bullet in her mouth because she can't shut up and he can't say STFU.

Gallery of GTA III

Claude Speed is prone to taking orders from talking pieces of paper and can drive vehicles that handle like a swim in dog-toffee.

If you saved the photo of Mr. Underpants you'll find a bonus pic of him wearing none. WIN!

Generic nigger owns bomb shops in plainly advertised view of everybody and will fit anybody's car with explosive material. Allahu Akbar!

Mr. and Mrs. Goterelli run a brothel in GTA III.

Retard Hambeast (left) & Miguel (right): This is entitled Feminist ex-girlfriend with spic	Guess who's going to die of AIDS first? Greaser or Britney clone?	Some virtual guy voiced by Michael Madsen (Driv3r, Kill Bill), OMG, so exciting!	Chef Boyardee
Some whore	The main dude is a weeaboo: this is his girlfriend. She is into BDSM!!1! Oh noes, it is just too much!	...and this is his boyfriend.

Gameplay Footage

(Above) [Intro and Mission #1] Osama's h4xX rampage on Portland's bridge, the escaping negro etc...

Mission #02 Oh NOEZ! People taking drugs and having fun? Kill kill kill. The piece of paper told you to!

Mission #03 Picking up an ugly prostitute with Boy George's dress sense, driving her to you.

Mission #04 Moar killing, same old shit after just four missions. DESU.

Let's skip forwards...

Mission #15 Collecting Donkey Does Dallas magazines that float, are orange, and are everywhere. Just like reality.

Mission #16 Maria. Boring driving, annoying voice, doesn't stop talking and killing her = WIN.

Mission #17 Your mom, another talking letter and moar boring driving!

Mission #18 Wut? Moar boring driving? DESU DESU.

Let's skip again, it's all the same...

Mission #21 Moar talking letters. Man this shit is whack. Moar of the same.

That's it! Skipping by 40 should lead to something new? Right?

Mission #61 Oh shit. Driving? But crashing atall = FAIL? DESU DESU FUCKING DESU! It's all the same!!

Final Mission Driving?...Shit-hard shooting? Amazing action? A mission most people alive cannot complete without cheats you say? YES! Oh it's all over...

GRAND THEFT AUTO 3 = FAIL/100

GTA: Vice City

Vice City (GTA IV would have made too much sense) is set in Miami of the 1980's and displays all manner of loud shirts, bad songs, and pastel colors to prove the point.

The promoted "stunning quality of graphics" became shit hitting the fan from the second the disc spun, with trees and walls appearing from thin air whenever the player character traveled any faster than 5 mph. Textures were as fugly as ever.

In a monumental step forward for the GTA series, Vice City's main character had a name (Tommy Vermicelli), and the voice was done by some actor (Ray Liotta).　Vice City also gave the dedicated player the first chance to ride a motorcycle (OMG not featured in GTA III)!

GTA: San Andreas

This time GTA wanted to be Boyz N Da Hood. You play as a pussy chocolate drop called CJ (moar liek BJ amirite?!) who chickens out after one of his brothers got killed, then has his mom killed by a rival gang. Long story short, you come from rags to riches, eat fried chicken, fuck insane women, eat fried chicken, get a pink Mohawk, eat fried chicken, and have hot coffee with Samuel L. Muthafuckin' Jackson. He never actually becomes a rapper in this game, but other people insist he is. Did I mention eat fried chicken (srsly)? This game also contains the failed meme/abortion known as OG Loc, who is the Weegee to CJ's Mario. He makes no sense, is kinda disturbing and nobody cares about him. However, near the end, CJ did get to shoot him, but instead he took his rhyme book and his record company. Anyway, the game ends when you finally kill the retarded fatty and the bad cop Tenpenny (moar like Ten-Penis amirite?). That didn't solve anything though, because his mom is still dead and everything is still fucked up.

The main guy can actually swim in this edition, though the question is what's the point when you're playing as a fat nigger?

Also, you can get fat, ride bicycles and go to Liberty City.

Controversy

San Andreas generated a lot of lulz after a couple of 13 year old boys found ways to make the lead playa fuck his girlfriend. Rockstar fangirl Jack Thompson became wet at the possibility of new lawsuits over the game enabling events such as fapping over hot, sweaty, and pixelated sex. Rockstar pwned the prick's ass in GTA IV; he gets shot in the head whilst screaming "Guns don't kill people, video games do!...BANG!"

Hilary Clinton soiled her panties after seeing this, pulled out her tampon, and called for jihad against Rockstar.

GTA IV

The state of New York does not approve of GTA IV.

Grand Theft Auto IV is the 10th or so installment in the Grand Theft Auto series, and was promoted as a "turning point in video game history". Set in 2008, GTA IV features on-the-fly ragdoll physics, refreshing music choices and rl car clones.

The Storyline

What I expected.

In a nutshell, GTA IV catches up on the American media theme of presenting Serbians as ultimate villains, because calling the villain Achmed Raschid would cause too much butthurt whining, and between massive bombing and manipulation the Serbs can't do much about it. So the main character Niko Belic is a Serbian illegal alien in Liberty City. Niko comes hoping for a new beginning, but finds himself becoming an Albanian, taking up a life of murder, crime, theft, drugs and all-around craziness.

What I got.

Besides doing the normal GTA things, Niko does a few strange ones like chasing a laundromat owner and stealing a Honda Civic.

Features

GTA IV features virtual taxis, a pixelated subway system twice as confusing as New York's, Boeing 747s that never take off, cars you don't want to drive, people you don't want to hang out with, and dialogue you just can't enjoy.

Media attention and Drama

Even before it was released, GTA IV was causing drama in the tubes. So many obsessed fat fanboys tried to access the preview trailer at once they crashed Rockstar's servers, leading to much butthurt and bitching.

Of course, Jack Thompson jumped on GTA IV before it was released, calling it the spawn of Satan and the very tool that will unravel the fabric of modern society. Sadly, Jack didn't realize Rockstar wasn't in the mood for frivolous lawsuits, and immediately told him to STFU by tap dancing on the First Amendment.

Does it end there? Fuck no. Multiplayer is perhaps the funniest retard haven this side of the internets. Free mode often leads to tears from 14 year old boys. It's "free mode", so you'd expect people's player characters to die while fucking around. But no, killing people in free mode is really murder and you should be executed if you do it! They have deathmatch for that!

Brucie Kibbutz in real life. Why does a black guy have a Jewish name?

Awesome New Features

Awesome new features of GTA IV include:

Air Hockey - FUCK YEAH, OH TOTALLY!
Bowling - HOLY SHIT! WHAT, OH MAN!
Darts - YEAH BOIII
Drinking and driving - OH, MOM WOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOU, GANGSTA!
In-game comedy skits and television shows - YEAH, I WANNA SIT THERE AND WATCH A MOVIE IN MY GAME, DAWG!
Low-brow humor
Recycled washed-up celebrities as DJs
Music you can barely tolerate

Typical online convo

A: Hey, how do you get the BEST ESTER EG EVAR?!
B: Go to the statue of Apenis
A: TAKE ME THERE THEN YOU STUPID LITTLE KNOBCHEESE!
B: Get there yourself you bald ass niggra.
A: BUT I CANT FLY A CHOPPER

GTA IV XBAWKS 360 DLC

In order not to look like assholes who sold you the shitty half of a revamped game originally made at least 100 years ago, Rockstar announced shortly after releasing the game, that they would be developing exclusive content exclusively for the ultra-exclusive Xbox360. This time, instead of playing with that Eastern European fuckrag, Niko, you get to plays with a white-trash, Hell's Angel spoof, with a heart of gold. It features an extra thirty seconds of gameplay, four hours of videos showing you how cool it would be to play, and none of the great things that the original game had (Why the fuck do I want to swim with a goddamn leather jacket on?).

They said more is coming, following around some ass pirate who you see for like five seconds in the real game, but they don't tell us a lot. The reason for this is that they want you to talk about the game and get all excited. That way, you go out, purchase some Microsoft points and then buy the game. Then, when you finally play it, you realize it is shit, but you don't want to tell anyone how shit it is, because you were stupid enough to buy it, and you continue to say it's great until more people buy it and the self-pwn continues.

Gallery of GTA IV

Jacob, the only worthwhile person in the game.

You only wish it was this good..

If it looked this good, it'd be worth it.

What the CIA really looks like.

Welcome to Liberty City.	Roman Bellic: HEY NIKO WANT TO GO PLAY SOME DARTS?	Oh, what a hottie with a body! Player's ideal of a crim's wet dream, a public defender who enjoys dating the psychos she represents.	Paddy is a typical Irishman, except for spending all his time in a k hole.
Frankie is the man! What a role model!	Shame that it's not this fun..	Did we really need a fake Coney Island?	The camera angles aren't this good, sadly.
You too can date Paris Hilton!

GTA: Chinktown Wars

This is the 2009 title for the Nintendo DS, proving that Rockstar wants to expand their customer base to include children and fags (and combinations of the two), these being the only people to possess the console. Developed by Rockstar Leeds, the game features a couple of England-derived place names but the usual right-side driving, which is just like totally gay. There were many fake pre-release videos and screens on the tubes. One example:

[1]

The game carries a "Licensed by Nintendo" screen. Nintendo apparently does not want to release a Japanese version. Chinatown Wars features the best-named power-up in gaming history: Flame Retard.

Grand Theft Auto V

GTA IRL

GTA Wikis

Proving that everything needs its own wiki, the GTA games have spawned two or three wikis (including this one). The one on Wikia predictably features 1000% more stupid, and just like on TOW, changing minor details or telling people they're wrong when they are will lead to an instant flamewar.

GTA Forums

The GTA forums provide a cesspit where 14 year olds can argue over which car looks or acts more like which real car, which weapons rate most highly, and stretch the definition of Easter Egg until the egg cracks. Much of the content is just strange, since GTA is not real.

Gallery

LOLWUT	BITCH, WAT U MEAN NO MOAR CHICKENZ?	HAWT Coffee	"Nigga, pleeease! "— Apparently impressed by the action.
Mods FTW!	San Andreas is closed due to AIDS.	Now out on DS.	Even animu has its take on mindless violence.
GTA IRL	Coming soon: GTA: Somalia	Another rare preview shot of GTA V.