Bailout Plan
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| This page has potential but it needs a lot of work. It could benefit from Moar shoops, moar Paulson, less harbl, moar lulzy applications for over $9000 in bailout money: http://blogs.abcnews.com/theworldnewser/2008/11/want-some-gover.html.. Discuss edits that might add to the lulz on this article's talk page. |
In October 2008, the Jewnited States of Americunts took a giant shit as teh Juden fucked off for Ramandan -or some hebe- shit and let Wall Street crash and burn like the Hindenburg.
The collapse of America's much vaunted free market economy, has been the source of many lulz around the globe from South America to Europe that can be heard all the way from Wall Street -in between the SPLATS of stock brokers hitting the pavement after jumping from their office windows- to Main Street.
The causes of the current crisis are varied and complex, but its roots lie in the bust of the housing bubble in early 2007. Prior to this 'bust', the philanthropic lenders of Wall Street had gone out of their way to help the great unwashed masses of the middle classes live the American Dream -even if they had no damn right to dream much less afford it.
When the ungrateful bastards failed to keep up with the payments on their mortgages (see TL:DR Glossary below), the lenders kicked them out and seized their houses (aka 'assets') operating under the usual business model assumption of capitalism that they would just resell (or 'flip') them to recoup any losses on the balance due after the 'principal' (downpayment) and actually net a profit.
Unfortunately, the lenders have very short memories and forgot that they had rigged the housing market so that the wannabe homeowners they were lending to were led to believe that the houses they were buying were worth more than they actually where.
Mothers call this: cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Contents |
[edit] The Credit Crunch
[edit] Basics
Capitalism and the free market economy are fundamentally based on loans (ie. credit) and trust. This is particularly true of the banking system because banks have a huge pool of cash (aka 'liquidity') and -thus- have a shit load of other people's money sitting around to fuck with as they wish (and without your permission). So banks loan out money to each other and businesses, charging 'interest' (aka gouging) to accumulate moar Jew Golds for themselves. This is where the 'trust' factor comes in; the bank trusts that the borrower will pay back the loan and pay it back with interest. When people or businesses can no longer afford to pay off the loan and interest, that 'trust' has been breached. Ordinarily, a bank can afford to absorb one or two hits like this since they are insured and it's just a drop in the bucket, but when it happens on a massive scale the banks tie the purse strings, lock the vault and say NO U! when someone comes looking for a loan. This is called a credit freeze or credit crunch.
[edit] Reaction
| —Typical Americunt (true comment!) |
After being bombarded with high-pitched, alarmist punditry on Faux News and MSNBC the taxpayers went batshit crazy when the House of Representatives presented their initial Bailout Bill to save the economy which expanded upon Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's one page stick-up note demanding $70 billion and that nobody follow him or he'd shoot.
Even though most Americunts didn't/don't understand the fundamental principles of a free market economy, they suddenly became experts and raidfagged Wall Street to voice their disapproval. Both shocked and appalled, they also bombarded their elected representatives in Washington with mass amounts of butthurt and BAWWWWWWWW.
With both national and local elections coming in November, many House Democrats and Republicans in tight races 'listened' and got the message loud and clear: if you vote for this bill, you will be b& by the voters in November. This is the only time in American history, that politicians have 'cared' about the people who elect them and what the voters think.
To placate the angry mob, they went back to work on 'fixing' the bill by stuffing it with pork, earmarking loot for their constituencies such as tax breaks and incentives for Hollywood studios to keep movies from being made in Canadia. Other addons to the new bill were tax exemption for wooden arrows designed for use by children and the suspension of taxes for the Wool Suit and Textile industry lobbyists (worth $148 million). That means those who wish to be dapper hobo during these comming depression will still be able a decent suit. This is known as pandering to the voters.
[edit] The Stock Market
With the 24/7 news cycle screaming that the sky was falling, jittery investors (aka Joe Public) started selling off all the stocks they'd been conned into buying online by investment bankers and hedge fund managers like they were playing online poker. Others, who had been forced into investing in mutual funds when corporate America replaced the traditional pension plans with 401Ks, quickly called their Jew Gold managers and told them to GTFO the stock market and convert the money they had invested into cash.
This is a pretty good idea, even though most Americunts have no idea how the economy works or they wouldn't be gambling their retirement money in a glorified casino (aka the stock market'). Howevar, as a result, stock markets all over the world started to shit bricks, losing epic amounts of cash. Accordingly, the publicly traded corporations that rely on Joe Public's loot to keep enriching their profit margins and their CEOs hard earned $50 million yearly contracts were left with stock worth less than zero, forcing many to go hat in hand to the government intervention and for cash money help (See: Socialism).
[edit] Why do I give a damn?
Ordinarily, international finance isn't really an everyday concern of the average b-tard, as such people are usually so full of religion that they're normally too busy saving children, giving their time to charity and working for women's rights to worry about such things.
Unfortunately, Congressional Democrats and President Bush managed to find common ground for the first time in 8 years by agreeing that the best way to bail out Wall Street was to NOT ONLY bail out (more like failout, amirite?) Wall Street to the tune of $5,000 for every single American taxpayer, BUT ALSO to bail out the poor jackasses who took out mortgages they couldn't afford so they could take their ten kids to Disneyland and buy a Dodge Proton, not realizing that they actually had to pay the money back.
[edit] The Rise of the SuperJew
As above, many think this dilemma is the by-product of less than honest business practices like giving sub-prime mortgages to people who obviously couldn't pay them off, or short selling, but that's apparently stupid.
There's something people are overlooking; What ethnicity has thrived most since 9/11? The Jews.
The Muslims had been severely weakened after the Jews' successful plot to blame WTC on the them, leaving a ethnic power vacuum that the Jews filled. Nobody would deal with Muslim businessmen anymore, for fear that they were connected with terrorists. This caused mass rejoicing and huge Jew orgies.
What came of these orgies is now known as a SuperJew. Their noses are three times as large as a normal Jew, giving them an enhanced ability to sniff out gold; They also throw thrice as many random Yiddish words into conversation, causing confusion to their traditional business partners, the WASPs.
Not able to conduct business anymore, the SuperJews banded together to create large gold theft rings. Unfortunately, these met with little success due to a recent decline in the usage of gold in favor of currency (a governmental safeguard, as Jews cannot smell bills).
They knew they needed more gold, but where could they get it? Iraq.
the SuperJews found they had also developed an ability to sniff out oil, and when a huge whiff of black gold came from Iraq, the superjews could hardly resist. In order to get more jewgolds and further tip the ethnic scale in favor of the Jews, the SuperJews sent minions to convine George W. Bush that Iraq had WMDs and Saddam helped do WTC. Easily confused, Bush trusted the SuperJews, and granted them the contract for the guarding of the oil pipelines as a symbol of his gratitude.
Ever since the start of the war, the Jews were siphoning oil into Israel, but after the regime fell, new opportunities presented themselves. They quickly got to work looting every building they could find and promptly sold everything on ebay.co.il. The proceeds were sent to Israel by wire transfer.
With half the world's oil in their clutches, the Jews tightened control of it to drive up prices of just about everything after all, there are Jewish companies in just about every industry. It didn't matter how much money they lost, because they still had the huge stash of jewgold and jewoil in Israel; Which is where they will retreat to when they finally do the economy.
[edit] SANDWICH CHEF IN THE HOUSE!
- The Los Angeles Times reports:
"On Sunday evening, Republican House Minority Leader John A. Boehner explained his considered opinion on the $700-billion Wall Street bailout plan:
| —John A. Boehner on the Bailout Bill |
This after his fellow Republican, Paul Broun of Georgia. initially rejected the bailout plan:
| —Rep. Paul Broun |
[edit] TL;DR: Glossary
- Mortgage: With a regular mortgage, you are a dumb fuck that thinks you have to have property to live the American Dream to the fullest. A bank lends you money to buy a house you can't afford based on your job, collateral, credit report and skin colour. You plunk down all the cash you have as a down-payment and the bank covers the rest. After that, you move in and pay the bank money every month (aka 'rent') and give them a healthy tip (aka 'interest').
- Sub-prime mortgages: You're an unemployed Mexican mechanic with a family of 12 li'l beaners. You have no savings and you're in deep shit with your credit card company. One day, a real estate agent drives by and catches you looking at a mud hut in the ghetto, He or she then pounces and sells you a bill of goods on what a great neighbourhood it is to have a mud hut in and how you'll be the envy of all the other mud hut owners. You see, the mud hut neighbourhood is really 'cool' right now and you should really get in on the action asap and they'll give you the money to do it because they believe in you and your American Dream.
- Bad Paper: See above.
- Exotic loans: See above.
- Foreclosure: You can't pay your loan instalment (aka 'rent') for a couple of months and -just like an apartment- the landlord (in this case the bank) kicks you out on the street and keeps all the money you've given them. They now own the mud hut you think you owned (plus all the money you gave them) and drive around looking for another idiot to fill your
shoesmud hut. Rinse and repeat. - Runs: Not to be confused with 'jogging' or the shits, a run in financial terms is a bank or stock broker's worst nightmare. A run on a bank, for example, means that everyone who has money in that particular bank bumrushes the tellers to get all their savings back before the bank goes broke because the above beaners aren't paying off the money the bank loaned them for their spiffy mud hut. The thing is...the bank almost nevar has your money because as soon as you put it in, they give it to Mexicans who can't afford to pay it back. In effect, the bank lent your money to a Mexican knowing that the Mexican would 'default' on the loan so the bank could pwn the property after foreclosure and sell it again at a profit. If everyone comes for their deposits at once (a 'run')...oh shi...
- Securities: Crappy overvalued houses once the bank has foreclosed on the 'owner'.
- Mortgage backed assets: See above.
- 700 billion dollars: Enough money to cover a football field in 4.85 feet of one hundred dollar bills having a total weight of 7,709 tons.[1]
[edit] /b/ank Run?
On Saturday October 2nd, a drunken /b/tard set forth a motion to /b/ that they PA the economy with a 'run' (withdrawing all your Jew Golds) on the banks. This was probably one of the stupidest ideas evar to grace the pages of /b/ since basement dwellers don't have any money much less bank accounts.
After much discussion, nobody cared. However, being the Gremlins they are, Anon decided to draft a plan to ruin the global economy. The plan calls for all Anonkind to withdraw all their money from their banks regardless of what said bank accounts contain. This will undoubtedly cause the world's banking systems to collapse due to all bank employees quitting on the spot after being asked how much they liek Mudkips and being IRL Rickroll'd over 9000 times.
[edit] See Also
| Bailout Plan is part of a series on Jews
|
Patriarchs Habitats Traditions H8s |
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