Grand Theft Auto
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Grand Theft Auto or 'GTA' series are nominated "teh best gaims evar" by thousands of 13 year old boys across the world, because it features childish & juvenile innuendo, driving, shooting, killing, pools of pixellated blood and other such shite first thought of at least 100 years ago. These concepts however continue to be considered amazing and ground-breaking by lusers who've no clue on what an amazing game actually is. GTA is SERIOUS BUSINESS though, if kids play this game they will most likely go on random, unprovoked killing sprees.
All of the games in the series are very diverse and ever-changing, in which your goal is to drive generic cars through checkpoints and shoot generic pedestrians with the aid of cartoon-like violence. Some would say "tis r lulz". However, I regret to inform every one of you 13 year olds that GTA is, in fact, FAIL in the hardest of ways. If any of you future basement dwellers finally reach puberty, you'll discover such things as a 'females'. Alternatively, you'll just play a decent game (which is much more likely).
the whole series of gamez wuz out of order like star wars which is shit obviously, you also unrealisticly are able to kill/pwn thousands of people and get away with it. which pisses off the average soccer mom and politician.
All violence is blamed on this game though there was violence before it. the media doesnt cause teh violence. hitler never watched cops...
Contents |
[edit] [GTA I, II & London]
[edit] Introduction
The 2D GTA games were presented in birds-eye-view and released for the PlayStation (PS1, PSOne, PS, SHIT), though they failed to generate much of a buzz in the world of gaming in that they weren't fat plumbers that jumped on things and defacated in pipes. These 2D games are quite notorious for the worst handling of vehicles and player movement in possibly all of gaming history. Of course, to save time you're going to drive as fast as possible to get to where you need to be, avoiding obstructions and being as l33t as possible. However, even after years (God help) of 2D GTA experience, you'd still remain a gameplay n00b. Driving any faster than 5MPH would result in the inevitable crash into a building or vehicle. Reason being that the vehicle under your control moves faster than the screen pans to indicate where you're heading. Not only that but (Yes, the suffering continues), the terrible control of said vehicle is so bad that heading South results in you having to press Right to turn Left and Left to turn Right. With such brain rotting torture, you'll soon become an hero.
You played in GTA1 & GTA London as a little blob of colour that moved around farting, belching, punching, shooting yellow blobs and getting into vehicles. In GTA2 however, you were a little black blob of colour with a white head, that could do the above AND could jump! OMG! AMZNG!1 That's all that was different other than moar weaponriez.
[edit] Typical GTA fans
- If you have 5 minutes to burn then by all means watch this, this entire video is the equivelent of sniffing bleach through a straw.
[edit] Characters
The games had no original characters or memorable events . The only thing to be related to any sort of original character would be a terribly animated picture of a nigger whose mouth moved a little bit that appeared when you answered a phone.
[edit] Story and Gameplay
Both 1, 2 and the 'GTA: London' expansion fad were entirely absent of a plot. From the start you were wondering what's meant to be done, and eventually found yourself answering one of many constantly ringing payphones. Answering a phone would result in you being given unclear instructions on a 'job' you were then forced to attempt. These missions would involve killing any amount of people and blowing something up. Yes, they're that detailed. Should you succeed you were given pocket change, and left to answer another payphone. After you've rinsed and repeated this task; you're then bored and decide you're going nowhere in life. Soon after, you'll become an hero. They aren't considered very exciting, but you at least get new areas to unlock.
[edit] Revolutionary Marketing
'GTA London' upon it's release was a massive con. Most people in Britain would buy this game cumming over the thought of shooting people outside Buckingham Palace. However, after putting this disc that's only ever been worthy of using as a tea coaster into their PooStation, n00bs cried after a message appeared on screen saying "Un-fucking-lucky! You need to buy GTA1 and insert it first to play this!! n00b!". Some became an hero, while others actually went out and bought GTA1 aswell, only to realise that both of their new games were utter trash.
GTA II's creators also created a promo movie or some shit that involved real people making complete fools of themselves as they attempt to act. While not actually having to say a word, they still FAIL. The short, beginning with a luserbeing chased by Niggers, it ends with that same luser being assassinated by Osama bin Laden. With no similarities between the clip and the game itself other than being in a car and getting shot at; it wasn't worth being made. It's also not worth watching. Period.
But here it is anyway.
[edit] Gameplay Footage
(Above) GTA 2's Job #1 & Tutorial which pretty much says it all about how shitty this game really is. The clip fully demonstrates the game's depth and involving gameplay. Or lack of it amirite?
GRAND THEFT AUTO I, II & London = FAIL/100!
[edit] [GTA: III]
[edit] Introduction
Many people believe Grand Theft Auto 3 to be the first in the series because they suffer from a disease which renders them unable to see the number 3. Set in "Liberty City" (which is a bitch magnus copy of New York shitty), this was the first 3D game in the series and you played as some dude Jew nigger luser (Mr. X) with no name who had his vocal chords ripped out as a kid resulting in his inability to talk. Still, every character you came into contact with didn't seem to mind him being a mute because he was such a bad ass and they would often carry out whole, albeit one-sided, conversations with him. In other words, this game is 101% fail.
By referring to him as "The guy from GTA3 that has no name/Guy/faggot/Random name that an author on ff.net thinks of", many a 30 year-old fanboy is screaming in despair causing his parents to bang on their floor with a mop. According to the GayFAQs webshite in it's entirety, his name is, in fact, 'Claude Speed'. To say otherwise would be trolling, spamming, and (knowing what the Mods are like on there) probably CP. Deletion is imminent.
The cause behind this dr4ma was that in GTA: San Andreas (See below) your character dates "Claude's" girlfriend Catalina, and in the end he is dumped. Something is mentioned about her new boyfriend being "Claude Speed" while earlier in the game you met him, and he never spoke. GameFAQs' Mods were having a field day as boards were trolled and racial comments were dished out causing MAXIMUM LULLZ!! He will continue to be referred to as Mr. X. You know it makes sense.
[edit] Characters
'The Main Guy'.
This is the ball-less person you play as during this heap of shit game. He's attractive, talkative and a great swimmer! Even killing his feminazi ex-girlfriend doesn't put a smile on this luser's face. Prone to take order's from talking pieces of paper and drive vehicles with handling lesser than that of warm dog-toffee. Is also completely incapable of entering any vehicle with air-borne capability. Except of course the 'Dodo Plane', which is actually much more of a challenge to keep above sea level than what feminists face trying to change anything. Also jumps like a butthurt fag. He also very athletic, as he can run SIDEWAYS!!!!!! OMFG!!! Not many people can do tat u no.
'The Feminist Ex-Girlfriend and That Shithead Mexican'.
The dumb broad shot good old Cloud Strife Claude Speed during the opening FMV, leaving him for dead. She seems to shoot alot of characters in the game, killing many. Many lulz take place when you own the whore's ass at the end, leaving her helicopter exploding to pieces so small that it disappears into nothingness. Srsly! Just like every other helicopter in this game. Not that you can fly one in-game atall though. The Mexican? Easy lay, they ALL are. amirite? Though, Catalina kills him not long after realising he gave her many sexually transmitted diseases and a bad odour.
'8-Bix, No Balls, 8 Bald, Black Ball, 50 Cent'., [Randy Jackson]
That ass-creampie enthusiast that you are screwed by. Painfully. Being black, he managed to evade the law completely and owns three separate bomb shops in Liberty city. These bomb shops are in plainly advertised view of everybody and will fit anybodies car with explosive material only comparable to Osama's. Allahu akbar I say! He focuses on scratching his black monkey balls while he gains 5 digits worth of benefits a week, much like Azns, Azns and Michael J Fox.
'The Paedophilic, Santorum-drinking, Testosterone-lacking Rapist (But not the one from Super Mario)'
The first fag and crime boss you end up working for. Luigi runs a strip joint rapist cesspool in the first city/island (Portland) for the Mafia named Sex Club 7. The club is merely a front to pimp ladies to the more affluent clients. He is believed to be a pimp because his girlfriend (The only bitch in the world who would love this short piece of shit) was run over, by The Forelli Family.
'The Dirty Greasy Mexican-looking Guy and the Slut Award 2005 Winner'
Don Salvatore's only living son. Joey owns a garage in Trenton where he services top quality stolen vehicles. He detests the "Forelli Brothers" - Some lusers that become srsly pwnt and make cameo appearances in following GTA's. The reason for this is simply down to the fact that they're earning honest money, while Joey's stuck in ur garage, steelin ur sterios. Misty is a slut who gave this guy freebies in exchange for a BF Injection. They're both featured for about 3 minutes in total gameplay.
He's said to be the Mob's number one extortionist and debt collector. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! This statement is false. He follows more orders from his Mother than you use electricity in that cosy basement of yours. If you fancy being talked down to by a condecending arse he can always be found at his Mother's restaurant in St Marks. If he doesn't come home with at least a Dollar-fifty he'll be spanked, and raped by his mother. Voiced by Michael Madsen (Driv3r, Kill Bill...bout it). He is the playable character in GTA: Liberty Shitty Bories. That was back when he didn't eat 5,000 pounds of cannoli every night. This fat lump of Pig Shit also makes a Apperance In Gta: Liberty Shitty Stories. One of Rockstars shittier games, as it involves your mom
'The Mafia Don (as well as a senile, obnoxious and boring old man)'.
Offers the riskier jobs and the largest payslip. Salvatore might frequently wet himself and be pleasured to completion by Maria but he knows what he's talking about. Especially when it comes to /b/. This guy will save you from being permabanned and teach you the mystical art of resisting the temptations of DESU. Clearly though, nobody on 4chan ever listened to him, and so the world continues to be the shit-fest it is today. This old bastard has no idea Maria was cheating on him until Mr. X came along. He tries to make himself look hot and sexy, by dressing up in nice suits, but no one thinks he's good looking. Especially his gold digging wife. Mr. X kills this bloke. Many obese fangirls refused to play the game past this point, out of their love for this piece of shit.
Maria is a luser who happened to be so sickeningly sexually orientated that she was Salvatore Leone's wife (See above). Has an unhealthy love for Tiger's fur, and degrades herself even more by having sex with Mr. X. Mr. X made no sound of sexual satisfaction when in bed with Maria, and so she made up for it by never shutting up for more than 2 seconds. Unfortunately she helps Mr. X evade a trap set up by Salvatore when she tells the poor Grandpa that she's been rogered by X, before fleeing the city to stay with Asuka (See below). She is eventually kidnapped by Catalina, but X rescues her. Soon after though, he puts a bullet between her eyes during the game's Outro FMV.
'Azn #1'
Asuka Kasen is part of a Yakuza Crime Syndicate whose brother 'Kenji' has a stupid name. She is into BDSM which is proven when she slaps 'Miguel' repeatedly with a stick simply for Lulz and pleasure. Is killed by Mr. X's ex 'Catalina'.
'Azn #2'
Kenji Kasen, brother of Asuka and owner of 'Kenji's Casino' in 'Torrington' in 'Staunton Island'. Is also a member of the Yakuza Crime Syndicate. Speaks like a luser, looks like a dick and thankfully is killed by Mr. X.
[edit] Story and Gameplay
The game begins with a boring year-long Intro-FMV of what's supposed to look like a major bank robbery being performed by two people (In the land of GTA, this sort of thing is possible, even if you're a mute). The very same FMV involves a barely dramatic one-way conversation between a latino woman later named 'Catalina' and our friend Mr. X which ends abruptly after the feminist shoop-whoops poor X with some pistols. ULTIM8 PWNAGE!!!one111
In the game's first city 'Liberty City', after having his ass hauled into one of those comfy police vans and dressed in a sleek orange 2-piece with awesome unique numbers on the back, X is ass raped by a bald ugly nigger named '8-Ball' in said Van. Then, in what soon became a repeated and ball-kicking disability from GTA 3 to present day, shit got blown up resulting in not only the usual lulz but also the inability to go anywhere but the vast 0.3cm that GTA3's first city had to offer. While the same FMV concludes, 8-Ball shows X why he's so named and creams X's ass in and out, before the two escape the vehicle in the way Nigger's were born to as a result of the bridge's explosion.
When you discover this game is, in fact playable, 8-Bix and X travel 0.02 seconds on foot before discovering a conveniently placed car, complete with radio. The first thing to notice is that only 1 minute after the bridge from 'Portland' to 'Staunton Island' is permabanned, there's already a news report broadcasted on the incident. Now that's journalism!
After driving baldy-black to your mom's house, you resort to sleeping in some piss-stained room with a lovely cell-like interior, and in GTA3 you do the same. Mr. X then somehow finds himself doing 'jobs' and 'favours' for The Italian Mafia (Don Salvatoré, Tony Cipriáni & Maria), a gang named 'El Diablos' (El Burro) and some pervert named 'Luigi' who runs a sicko strip bar.
Lulz ensues as badly programmed AI which exists in every GTA to date makes itself noticed as generic/emo pedestrians dive infront of your car more often than avoiding it.
For some bizarro reason which can only be conceived as the result of a drugs cocktail that the employees of 'Rockstar' enjoyed beforehand; some missions include taking photographs of fat men in diapers. I shit you not.
Other missions involve the theft of beastiality porno and the killing of people, brain cells and your IQ.
At least 100 years of hard labour later, the infamous bridge that was Osama'd at the beginning of this game is miraculously repaired, granting you 'Staunton Island': 5cm more of area to run around in with badly drawn buildings included.
If the last 1500+ words were repeated at this point, there wouldn't be much incorrect. Ya rly.
Over half of this game's missions are actually as repetitive as DESU or Raijin.
What's new to this second city island shit hole is that you are now doing jobs for The Japanese Yakuza and a successful businessman luser named 'Donald Love' OMFGZ!!1 H3Z IN V1Ce CiTEh! YaRLy! WOWZERZ!1!!1one!!!1!Shift+1!!1!two.
These include... you guessed it! Murder, manslaughter, homicide, assassinations, wreckless driving... Srsly, gt a dsk job.
After more of the same old shit the 2nd bridge (which happens to have been permabanned) leading to a few more cm of space to play this game in is then opened. Next, Mr. X is in 'Shoreside Vale' with moar lurking and moar of the same old shit, mixed with piss, blended, raped by a Great Dane, posted on /b/ and then written to the disc GTA3 is played on.
The game ends THANK JEHOVAH, you've killed all of your past buddies because someone told you to on the phone, you've killed your feminist ex-girlfriend 'Catalina', you'ved rescued your booty call 'Maria' from previously in the game and Mr. X and her walk off into sunset (original, eh?). He then puts a bullet in her mouth because she doesn't shut up and he can't say 'STFU'.
Warning: The content above contains spoilers and/or major plot twists featured in the game.
[edit] Gameplay Footage
(Above) [Intro and Mission #1] Osama's h4xX rampage on Portland's bridge, the escaping negro etc...
Mission #02 Oh NOEZ! People taking drugs and having fun? Kill kill kill. The piece of paper told you to!
Mission #03 Picking up an ugly prostitute with Boy George's dress sense, driving her to you.
Mission #04 Moar killing, same old shit after just 4 missions. DESU.
Let's skip forwards...
Mission #15 Collecting "Donkey Does Dallas" magazines that float, are orange, and are everywhere. Just like reality.
Mission #16 Maria. Boring driving, annoying voice, doesn't stop talking and killing her = WIN.
Mission #17 Your mom, another talking letter and moar boring driving!
Mission #18 Wut? Moar boring driving? DESU DESU.
Let's skip again, it's all the same...
Mission #21 Moar talking letters. Man this shit is whack. Moar of the same.
That's it! Skipping by 40 should lead to something new? Right?
Mission #61 Oh shit. Driving? But crashing atall = FAIL? DESU DESU FUCKING DESU! It's all the same!!
Final Mission Driving?... Shit-hard shooting? Amazing action? A mission most people alive cannot complete without cheats you say? YES! Oh it's all over...
GRAND THEFT AUTO 3 = FAIL/100
[edit] [GTA: Vice City]
Vice City (VC, or essentially GTA: IV, but that'd make way too much sense) just wanted to be 'Scarface: The Game', but failed. Set in the 1980's, Vice City is an undoubtedly piss-poor copy of Miami and welcomes all manner of loud shirts onto its shores.
Of course, everybody in the world expected VC to be a hugely ground-breaking and epic step-up from it's predecessor (GTA: III), but disapponted the Earth's population twice over.
With it's shitty music which ranged from uber-fags 'Frankie Goes To Hollywood' to the likes of 'MJ', the soundtrack aspect of things was an instant fail. DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS, CLASSIC ROCK DOMINATES THE SHIT WE HEAR TODAY Disregard that I suck moar cocks. "Classic" Is just another word for old. New Coke, anyone?
As for the pre-determined 'stunning quality of graphics', the shit hit had the fan from the second the disc span. Trees and walls would appear from thin air while travelling at any more than 50 MPH as they hadn't loaded yet and textures were as fugly as ever.
Missions remained linear and as boring as ever, with perhaps a few more thrown in than GTA: III.
In a monumental moment of the GTA series' progression in gaming, VC's main character actually had a name: 'Tommy vercetti'. Unfortunately this was a rip-off of Scarface's 'Tony Montana', and caused all of us to facepalm. Like GTA: III, Tommy could not swim at all and also jumped like a fag, though this time he could speak and while voiced by some actor (Ray Liotta), he speaks as camp as any character in gaming has, ever.
Other than a few new weapons and vehicles; Vice City finally gave the dedicated player the chance to drive a Motorcycle (a vehicle not featured in GTA: III). Though this was also epic fail as a slight nudge into anything would imminently result in a face-plant after clearing a distance of at least a few hundred feet.
Vice City is also the reason why every 13 year old boy lists Scarface and Goodfellas as their favourite films on their MySpace profile.
[edit] [GTA: San Andreas]
This time GTA wanted to be Boyz N Da Hood. You play as a pussy chocolate drop called CJ (more like BJ amirite?!) who chickens out after one of his brothers got killed, then has his mom killed by a rival gang. Long story short, you come from rags to riches, eat fried chicken, fuck insane women, eat fried chicken, get a pink mohawk, eat fried chicken, and have hot coffee with Samuel L. Muthafuckin' Jackson. He never actually becomes a rapper in this game, but other people insist he is. Did I mention eat fried chicken (srsly)? This game alsocontains the faild meme/abortion known as OG Loc, who is the Weegee to CJ's Mario. He makes no sense, is kinda disturbing and nobody cares about him.
he can actually swim in this edition, though the question is what's the point when you're playing as a fat nigger?
Also, you can get fat, ride bicycles and go to Liberty City. (ZOMG!!!11!!eleven!!!!!!111111one1111!!!!!!!! THATS IN GTA 4 AND GTA 3 OMFG!!!!!!1111)
[edit] [GTA: IV]
GTA IV is already getting ass raped by the New York mayor (Michael Bloomberg) because he thinks it looks too much like NYC. What a fag. Apparently you're some whiny emo wanna be Hitman retarded serbian immigrant called Niko Bellic who sells slaves to a Paki. Sounds like a fest of lulz. You also make friends with lots of different fags, including a Jamacian with a mouth full of shit, a nigger that never shuts up about prison, a bimbo that sells you out to the man, some Irish faggot, a fucked up russian guy who ends up betraying you cause you have no balls, Osama bin Laden, GayDiamond, Tay Zonday, 9/11 and lets not forget that fat fukin cousin of yours who goes to strip clubs cause he wants to relive his childhood. When the completely shitty trailer premiered, all of the virgins who stayed up until liek 4 in the morning (if you're weird and live in Europe or something) crashed parts of teh interwebs because they wanted to masturbate to it. Rockstar games is being sued for millions of dollars because the fanboys cocks fell off when the trailer failed to give them an orgasm. Lame.
On August 2, 2007 the CEO of Take Two (who's a Jew and happened to epically troll everyone) announced in their press release that Grand Theft Auto 4 would NOT BE RELEASED UNTIL WAY TOO LATE GaiS. Monster Energy drinks and Frito stock fell dramatically at this announcement, and not surprisingly, an hero high scores are already on the rise.
On April 29th, it was released worldwide (except for Japan cuz you have to have at least a 4 inch joystick to play.) and the collective gaming world immediately performed fellatio on Rockstar by proclaiming to be the best game ever. This title, of course, properly goes to Battletoads, especially since all GTA games get stale after one week. Australia, however, will have a censored version; because of the utter faggology that comes from being ancestored by ass pirates and booty thieves.
[edit] The Heart of Liberty City
Probably one of the more bizarre easter eggs that Rockstar has put into their games, this one is located inside of the Statue of Happiness. You'll need to take a chopper of any kind to Happiness Island. Once there, carefully position the helicopter's driver side as close to the top most level of the statue. Once you think you're close enough, exit the chopper. If done correctly you will be on the highest exterior level of the statue. Walk around the perimeter of the statue until you come upon a "door" with signs parallel to it reading No Hidden Content Here. Go through the door, you will phase into a room with a ladder - climb it and you will discover the heart of Liberty City. Little 13 year old virgins think that this is the BEST ESTER EG EVAR!!! AS IT INVOLES HAPPINES. (More like Apenis. AMIRITE?) Y0u also get whiney little girls In online games Asking you how to get THE BEST ESTER EG EVAR! Typical Online convo: "Hey, how do you get the BEST ESTER EG EVAR?!" "Go to the statue of Apenis" "TAKE ME THERE THEN YOU STUPID LITTLE KNOBCHEESE!" "Get there yourself you bald ass niggra." "BUT I CANT FLY A CHOPPER" The kid then turns off his xbox after a failed attempt a Samuel L.Jackson
[edit] Controversy
San Andreas generated a lot of lulz after a couple of 13 year old boys found ways to make the lead playa to fuck his girlfriends. Rockstar fangirl Jack Thompson became wet at the possibility of new lawsuits to make over the game for events such as the said event where you may take the player and engage in hot, sweaty, and pixelated sex. As a result Rockstar pwned his ass in GTA IV, because he gets shot in the head whilst screaming "Guns don't kill people, video games do!... BANG!". Hilary Clinton soiled her tampons after seeing this and called for jihad against Rockstar.
[edit] The most childish game on history
This game was made for adult people, rated M or some shit, but as stated above, 99%, or probably 99.99% of players are in fact, 13 year old boys (0.01% remaining consists entirely of 10 year old boys and below, some cant fucking walk yet but they love GTA), because mature players dont bother playing with this piece of cartoonish crap (some dont even bother playing anything since they got jobs and they have better things to do).
The only thing that kiddies dont like about GTA are the candeljacks seriously hes getti
(The last retard to edit this. Was a retard, not noticing that he spelled Candlejack wro
[edit] Gallery
 BITCH WAT U MEAN NO MOAR CHICKENZ? |
 HAWT Coffee. |
 "Nigga, pleeease!" - Apparently impressed by the action |
 Mods FTW! |
 The Australian version of GTA IV due to censorship |
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 GTA IRL |
[edit] See Also
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Grand Theft Auto is part of a series on Gaming. |
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