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Guido

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

A guidos

Guidos are the native species of douchebag endemic to the Jersey Shore; however, their distribution and range extends from ~~Virginia to Massachusetts~~ everywhere, especially in cities with a GNC. They display the outward appearance of an oven roasted over-inflated Miami club fag due to orange spray tan and glow in the dark teeth. They are, however, easily discerned from the former by their vocalizations. Whereas your average club faerie has a high nasal lisp with decent pronunciation, guido's voices sound like Robert DeNiro singing "Trapped in the Closet" with a donkey boner wedged in his esophagus. It is hypothesized that the two would actually sound the same but the guido's voice has actually been altered by excessive use of steroids for body building and interference from his collagen injected lips. The Guido is a close relative to the mostly small and skinny Styla, who pollutes mostly German clubs with his garlic breath and his inflated ego.

[edit] Natural Habitat

Guidos can usually be found inside a club sweatily dry-humping other guidos and trannies to bad pop music while chugging Jagerbombs, AMF's(Really GHB) and Fuzzy Nipples. A little-known fact is that guidos cannot live unless they are constantly around bad party music and large televisions, which is why you only see them at clubs, bars, tacky apartments, and gyms. Occasionally guidos can actually make it away from these venues for short periods of time to either tan (both spray and in tanning beds) or attend bodybuilding events.



				Danny from the Netherlands
new form of child abuse.	B^Uckley wishing he could be a Guido	A fine example of the european version.	Goronchev? Sorry, too bald.	Chris Cornell is still in touch with the youth of today.

[edit] Mating

Guidos spend 75% of their time and energy on mating (The other 25% is spent moisturizing their balls and working out). Despite the fact that they spend hours daily applying eyeliner and mascara, their eyesight is unusually poor due to their large brow ridges and oversized high cheekbones. Because of this, guidos primarily search out their mates by smell. As a result of this, the primary mates of the guido are the traps, I.A.P.s, and J.A.P.s in that order.

Guido mating season occurs between the hours of 9pm and 4am and is quite elaborate and structured, similar to the dance of the mayfly or the spawning of pacific salmon. Unlike those two more advanced species, guidos do not collapse and die at the end of the night, rather their steroids and 'e' keep them awake for unnecessary weeks on end.

[edit] Sleep

Guidos sleep rarely; this is mainly because of the prevalence of Meth in the Italian-American community. The closest to regular sleep that Guidos get comes from either after "crashing" or after being tricked into drinking a GHB laced Sea Breeze. As Guidos age this life-style becomes too hard to maintain and 89% of Guidos are on Social Security Disability by age 38 for fibromyalgia; the other 11% develop other forms of passive income.

[edit] Diet

It is a little known fact that guidos can't actually swallow anything more substantial than a maraschino cherry because of the constriction on their stomachs from their overdeveloped abs. Therefore their diet consists mainly of protein shakes, funny mixed cocktails, vitamin supplements (steroids), Heineken, and muscle relaxants. All their food shopping is done at either GNC or the local pharmacy, which is why you never see guidos in the supermarket.