Professional Wrestling
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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The only socially acceptable form of homosexuality, next to football.
No television experience is finer than shirtless, oiled-up men with mullets and overtanned skin, dry humping each other in front of a crowd of inbreds. No television experience is more heterosexual than an aging blonde man sporting a Village People mustache and well-waxed saggy man-tits rip off his shirt in a broad show of masculinity, his barbaric yawp sending shivers through the crowd and a tingle through the bosoms of women and questioning youth everywhere.
What was once about showing wrestling skills has devolved into little more than a weekly soap opera, except with a far trashier audience. The shows are mostly taken up by the diva stars and the search for louder, more waxed, and more shirtless men to display their steaming masculinity and total lack of skill. Do not confuse professional wrestling with buttsechs, though to the undiscerning eye it may appear nearly identical.
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World Wresting Entertainment (WWE)
The WWF WWE is the oldest MMA promotion in the USA (Mehican group Consejo Mundial de Lucha Libre (CMLL) having the edge on them by 40 years or so), having easily crushed it's opponents with money, ass and fail back in the days when wrestling was actually good. Back in the old days, (like last Thursday) they used to have storylines that were made for the non-retarded, good wrestlers and tits. Nowadays, they try their hardest to fuck everything up by doing crappy stories and making awful champions. (See John Cena and The Great Khali)
The Boss Nigger of the WWE
Like any highly ritualized game of homosexual man-handling, wrestling is a tightly organized affair. Think the buttsechs you see on your TV is all that goes into it? lol n00b!!! There's a whole crack team of writers and gay artist types behind the scenes putting on the show. And on top of it all are two men. Two gay men. wrong fucktard, there is only one man on top, and that's Vince McMahon.
Vince McMahon
Vince McMahon is the big ol' faggot behind the WWE, the main source of wrestling in the United States (except for TNA, but no one watches that and admits that it blows). He also owns it, therefore making him important. Also a frequent steroids user, Vince's main job is banning cool moves (the ones that actually don't hurt people), hard gay anal sex, making himself appear as if he's more important than any wrestler, Championship or RL event ever and getting other men to kiss his ass. Srsly.
Last Thursday, Vince pissed a lot of people off by pretending to have been blown up inside his limo, faking his death. This pissed off wrestling fans as they saw it as making fun of wrestlers who'd actually died, which it wasn't, but internet fan > real fan (law of wrestling), so what can ya do. The FBI were also pissed because they had some actor pretend to be an agent and question people, but they're still pissed that they didn't win a steroid-abuse case against him. However, he pussied out of this storyline and completely abandoned it after Chris Benoit became an hero. He felt terrible, so he thought it was necessary to make a 3-hour tribute to the asshole that killed his family. Way to go Vince, nice way to get up the ratings!
He bought his daughter fake tits though, so he did something right. And he also wanted to form an incest storyline between his daughter and his son (for real).
Now with ratings in decline, Vince hoped that 90 minutes of bullshit and only 30 minutes of wrasslin' will improve Raw, along with making the show appropriate for teh kids by removing all of the swearing, blood, incest and shit that made it almost entertaining.
Ric Flair
Wrestling as a whole is administered by its president (or "Nature Boy" in rasslers' carny talk), Ric Flair. Ric Flair started working as a male whore and sideshow dickgirl impersonator over 100 years ago. During the 1870's, he had a big drama with a fat black woman named Dusty Rhodes over who had the bigger man boobs. Surprisingly, both he and Dusty are still alive, making him one of the only wrestlers over the age of 16 not to become an hero, and thus the head of it all by default. He also hearts Huckabees.
Ric Flair's signature move is slapping a dude's bare chest with the back of his hand. This repeated act of unadulterated faggotry has earned him the title "greatest (homo) of all time". Last Thursday, Flair got tired of the manloving and decided to retire from the sport, and now spends his time getting into fights (and getting the shit kicked out of him) with his daughter and her boyfriend. It should also be known that RD Reynolds has a huge hard-on for Flair.
Extreme Championship Wrestling
ECW was once the internet geek's safe-haven, causing erections in the pants of true wrestling fans for years back in the '90s, saying it was TEH BEST PROMOTION EVAR! Despite these claims, the company died because its owner, Paul Heyman, didn't have any Jews to help him with his monetary issues, resulting several checks and payrolls bouncing like a fucking superball and causing lulz in the process.
A lot of e-drama was sparked in 2006 when ECW was announced for the Sci-Fi channel. All nerds could do was cry and accuse wrestlers of taking it up the pooper. Extremely Crappy Wrestling (often abbreviated ECW) is the official home of wrestlers that nobody really gives a shit about. But with all of that aside, some people actually eat this shit up.
World Championship Wrestling
A now defunct company which tried competing with and actually beat the WWE in ratings for 84 weeks straight, but ultimately failed when people stopped giving a shit about it due to seeing the same oldfags clogging it up. See Shit nobody cares about.
After closing, the WWE bought what was left of its rotting carcass and, even in death, continues to make WCW their bitch by selling all their shit while also owning all their former wrestlers' liknessess. Case in point:
Total Nonstop Action Wrestling
TNA (ThumpiN' ASS) is the show for the ignorant fucks who watch it cause they believe it's better than the WWE in every single way, despite how the company was started by a former WWE wrestler and employs what is mainly former WWE wrestlers and staff and of it's past 10 world champions, only two of them haven't been WWE wrestlers. In truth, TNA is the new WCW, swarming the WWE like vultures, waiting for the moment to swoop down and take stuff that WWE discards. Because of this most of TNA's talent are old fucks who injure thereselves by walking.
Infomercialist Don West, whom O&A did impressions of back in the day (see Shit nobody cares about), was an announcer for TNA for 7 years, but they got rid of him because he was too good awful and beyond repeptitive at his job getting people excited annoyed about shitty wrestlers, so they got a dirty washed up wrestler guinea named Tazz to replace him. "Be dialin', people! My only job is shilling shitty wresslin merch!"
Don West's and TNA's best moment, amiright?
The Ultimate X match is the only thing TNA has ever done right TNA does nothing right, and this event is not spared. While WWE tries to figure out new ways to give the title to Edge and how to make John Cena likable, TNA just hangs a plastic X above the ring and watches at least 100 guys kill themselves trying to get it. Of course, being something entertaining and innovative that drew attention to the show, TNA decided that it was taking away TV time from the wrestling legends and now you'll only see it once a year. <---Ha ha, disregard that, he sucks cocks.
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Ring of Honor
Ultimate Fighting Championship
Mostly kickboxing than wrestling, the UFC (Ultimate Faggotry Competition) is a "freestyle" promotion where bald, flabby metalheads kick each other in the shins before colliding in a frenzy of ear-biting and ass-fucking...for great justice. Where the contenders in other rasslin' promotions are mostly white trash, UFC fighters are goths or skinheads, and are always either 'Merkun, French-Canadian, Belgian, Russian or Brazilian. UFC fighters and fans believe they are more hardcore because they have black belts in over 9000 martial arts, but real wrestlers could easily pwn them, as they're all old and fat.
Despite what Dana White and fans of UFC will tell you, any UFC fighter would get their ass kicked in a real fight. Want proof? Look no further than the pussified rules for their fights:
- No eye gouging.
- No weapons.
- No closed fists.
- No open fists.
- Nothing that involves your feet leaving the ground.
- No one is allowed to make the champion look bad. (The John Cena/Triple H/Shawn Michaels/...fuck it, the list goes on Rule)
- The only legal move is the Mongolian Man Fuck.
- No hitting below the belt.
- No hitting above the belt.
- No movement what so ever, unless it involves stroking of the genitals.
- No items.
- Fox only.
- Final Destination.
It's obvious what audience UFC is trying to attract.
Wrestling Forums
Perhaps some of the most easily (and amusingly) trolled boards on the internet dedicated themselves to the completely masculine art of wrestling. With the astonishing amounts of butt hurt generated by liking, disliking, or mentioning certain wrestlers, it makes for a fun and easy trolling.
The only board that is large and active enough to be trolled is an alleged wrestling site called "caws.ws", and it is one of the lulziest board to troll. Famous for being run by a pedophile and his rectal pal and completely run by unpaid moderators and staff, it has been suspected to be its owner(s) main source of income.
One of the best (and easiest) drama generating techniques is to mention "JohnB", who was the former co-owner of the site, and was forced into hiding after exposing himself to a thirteen year old member of the forums, who also happened to be a global moderator. ( John Brunton has been alleged as old as 25 at the time ) It is widely suspected that he is infact still managing the site.
The only thing closest to sex if you're a wrestling fan boy is BOTCHAMANIA!
Deathmatch Wrestling
Invented by japanese sickos in the early '90s, this lulzy variant of professional wrestling is now performed by inbred rednecks, drug addicts and retarded teens all over the world. These guys tear each other apart with weedwhackers, cut their flesh with knives and scissors or throw guys off three story tall buildings to prove how tough they are. Used weapons include barbed wire, lighttubes, thumbtacks, razor blades, knives, swords, explosives, panes of glass, live piranhas, your mom, goatse, harlequin fetuses etc. CZW (Combat Zone Wrestling) and BJPW (Big Japan Pro Wrestling) are Hardcore wrestling promotions featuring lots of blood, gore and lulz.
Pretty asian girls are known for their brutal matches too.
Popular wrestlers
Jeff Hardy
Jeff Hardy aka The Charismatic Enigma aka Enigmatic Soul (moar liek "Enigmatic Fail amirite?) aka Rainbow Haired Warrior aka Jeffro aka Meth Hardy.aka Itchweed
One of the moar popular wrestlers, known for jumping off shit that is high, wearing cool makeup and clothing, changing promotions once a month, and his srsly crazy lifestyle.
Jeff is know as a "High flyer" because he likes to jump off tall shit and also because he is a meth addict. He left the WWE for awhile because he took some time off to live in a crack den. He's leaving again because he needs more crack in his system and Vinnie Mac has a problem with drugs in the WWE now. Like last Thursday 2008, Jeff's meth lab exploded in his North Carolina home. It killed his dog Jack (who was named after their favorite hobby). Lots of people were sad because he didn't die in the fire, only his fuck buddy.
He likes to wear face makeup because it makes him stand out. Actually, it makes him look even moar like a homo which is barely possible.
Jeff is really great at letting losers feel good about themselves. That fact alone has made him a multi millionaire.
Most of Jeff's fans are Retards, Basement Dwellers, Goths, little kids, Furries, Juggalos, Marks, Sloth from Goonies and Club Kids. Contrary to their own beliefs, none of his fans have lives.
Many of Jeff's fans over the age of 12 have cut themselves and cried when he lost any of the belts he's won. Fans under 12 just like his bright colors and to shit their pants.
He claims to be an artist, but if you look at his art, you'll see he's full of shit. He built a volcano in his front yard, then jumped it on an MX bike. He also turned his backyard into a replica of the Grand Canyon.
He also makes quality music called Peroxwhy?gen. It could possibly be the greatest band ever in the history of the world that isn't JRock. Jeff always says "Only fags like me and Creed have talent".
After being beaten by CM Punk, he ditched the WWE and showed up hawking TNA for Hogan. Then he made out with some female fans in the parking lot.
Triple H
Ladies and gentleman, a prime example of a steroid user. THE GAME TRIPLLLLLLLLLLLLLE...H!
Considered to be one of the Biggest Superstars in the WWE today, He is considered a hero to many 13 year old boys and 16 year old girls, but how you may ask? By taking STEROIIIIIIIIDS!
The only reason hes so big in the WWE is because he's sleeping with the bosses girl, and he literally is the bastard son of Vinnie Mac. Big surprise kissing the bosses ass HHH!
When not injecting Steroids up his ass, The Game occasionally likes to joke around with fellow wrestler and best friend Shawn Michaels, because with their powers combined... they form D-Generation X!!!!111 (which consists of them talking about weeners and watching The Mack Taking a piss on live TV).
Other than that, all he does in the ring is he kicks people in the crotch, Puts their head in between his legs, and slams his face into the ground, and humps the body for about 3 seconds.
Also, did I mention that he's a steroid user?
Chris Jericho Christina
Once known for his long hair, band t-shirts and funny attitude back in the days of WCW became the serious business, Armani-suit wearing, egotistical WWE wrestler because he was butthurt from the fans who betrayed him. No fans really betrayed him becase wrestling is completely fake. Henceforth he became the one who claims to be the best at what he does only to be beaten later in the evening by an opponent who he claims can defeat without much difficulty.
Alongside his inflated ego, he is apparently now known for his supposed immense intelligence and his extensive vocabulary used to continually describe the physical composition and psychology of the audience in the arena week after week.
Jericho trying to troll on tv.
Like many good citizens, the best way to deal with this is to A) call him 'Christina', as Shaquille O'Neal did or B) shout at the top of the voice 'YOU SUCK' or some other derogatory response as he continually denies his weaknesses and flaws despite his many accomplishments.
His signature moves are the Walls of Jericho which is simply reverse ass-to-ass buttsecks and the Codebreaker which is an instant one-shot blowjob knocking the opponent out cold with that satisfying hit
As of mid to late 2009 he was the tag team partner and former Unified Tag Team Champion with Big Show (after Edge became an hero after dumping Show's Vicky), claiming to be the most dominant tag team of this or any other era. They cemented their relationship on Raw by having an awkward conversation about their usual topic. OH NOES THEY BROKE UP!!! As of now Big Show is cheating on Jericho with some MTV has-been named Teh Miz Jizz.
Greatest Match Evar
Still fake amirite?
Videos
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Internet references
At the 2009 Slammy Awards Batista decided to interrupt an unimportant bitch's award speech by BAWWWWWING while imitating Kanye West while wearing a popped collar, needless to say, it sucked.
Moar proof that Wrestling is NOT GAY
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See Also
- Chris Benoit
- Chyna
- Hulk Hogan
- Insane Clown Posse
- John Cena
- Dolph Ziggler
- Sgt. Slaughter
- Goatse
- Not gay
- Fanboi
- Poeticirony
- Faggot
External Links
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