Professional Wrestling
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The only socially acceptable form of homosexuality, next to Football.
No television experience is finer than shirtless, oiled-up men with mullets and overtanned skin, dry humping each other in front of a crowd of inbreds. No television experience is more heterosexual than an aging blonde man sporting a Village People moustache and well-waxed saggy man-tits rip off his shirt in a broad show of masculinity, his barbaric yawp sending shivers through the crowd and a tingle through the bosoms of women and questioning youth everywhere. What was once about showing wrestling skills has devolved into little more then a weekly soap opera, except with a far trashier audience. The shows are mostly taken up by the diva stars and the search for louder, more waxed, and more shirtless men to display their steaming masculinity and total lack of skill. Do not confuse professional wrestling with buttsechs, though to the undiscerning eye it may appear nearly identical.
[edit] The Big Promotions
[edit] WWE
WWE is the oldest 'rasslin' promotion out there, having easily crushed it's opponents with money, ass and fail back in the days when wrestling was actually good (this sentence is actually a lie. Wrestling was never good). Back in the old days (like last Thursday) they used to have storylines that were made for the non-retarded, good wrestlers and tits. Nowadays they try their hardest to fuck everything up by doing crappy stories and making awful champions. (See John Cena and The Great Tall)
[edit] ECW
ECW was once the internet geek's safe-haven, causing erections in the pants of true wrestling fans for years back in the 90s, saying it was TEH BEST PROMOTION EVAR! Despite these claims the company died cause no one was watching it.
A lot of e-drama was sparked in 2006 when ECW was announced for the Sci-Fi channel. All nerds could do was cry and accuse wrestlers of taking it up the pooper. Extremely Crappy Wrestling, (often abbriviated ECW) is the official home of jobbers, vampires, frenchman, monsters, teachers, nigras, potheads, and Bob Hollys. But with all of that side, some people actually eat this shit up.
[edit] WCW
A defunct company which tried competing with WWE, but failed see Shit nobody cares about
[edit] TNA
TNA is the show for the ignorant fucks who watch it cause they belive it's better than the WWE in every single way...despite how the company was started by a former WWE wrestler and employs what is mainly former WWE wrestlers and staff and of it's past 10 World champions only two of them haven't been WWE wrestlers. In truth TNA is the new WCW, swarming the WWE like vultures, waiting for the moment to swoop down and take stuff that WWE discards.
Infomercialist Don West, whom O&A did impressions of back in the day, is now an announcer for TNA. "Be dialin', people!"
[edit] ROH
[edit] UFC
More kickboxing than wrestling, UFC (Ultimate Faggotry Competition) is a "freestyle" promotion where bald, flabby metalheads kick each other in the shins before colliding in a frenzy of ear-biting and ass-fucking ...for great justice. Where the contenders in other rasslin' promotions are mostly white trash, UFC fighters are goths or skinheads, and are always either 'Merkun, French-Canadian, Belgian, or Russian. UFC fighters and fans believe they are more hardcore because they have black belts in over 9000 martial arts, but real wrestlers could easily pwn them, as they're all old and fat.
[edit] The Boss Niggers of Wrestling
Like any highly ritualized game of homosex man-handling, wrestling is a tightly organized affair. Think the buttsechs you see on your TV is all that goes into it? lol n00b!!! There's a whole crack team of republicans and gay artist types behind the scenes putting on the show. And on top of it all are two men. Two gay men. Two gay men who'd kick your sissy ass: Ric Flair and his able young boy assistant, Vince McMahon.
[edit] Ric Flair
Wrestling as a whole is administered by its president (or "Nature Boy" in rasslers' carny talk), Ric Flair. Ric Flair started working as a male whore and sideshow dickgirl impersonator over 100 years ago. During the 1870's he had a big drama with a fat black woman named Dusty Rhodes over who had the bigger man boobs. Surprisingly, both he and Dusty are still alive, making him one of the only wrestlers over the age of 16 not to become an hero, and thus the head of it all by default. He also hearts Huckabees.
Ric Flair's signature move is slapping a dude's bare chest with the back of his hand. This repeated act of unadulterated faggotry has earned him the title "greatest (homo) of all time".
[edit] Vince McMahon
Vince McMahon is the faggot behind the WWE, the main source of wrestling in the United States (except for TNA, but no one watches that and admits it). Oh yeah he also owns it, therefore important. Also a frequent steroids user.
Vince's main job is banning cool moves (the ones that actually don't hurt people), hard gay anal sex, and getting other men to kiss his ass. Oh yeah, and make himself more important that any wrestler, title or RL event ever.
Last Thursday Vince pissed a lot of people off by pretending to have been blown up inside his limo, faking his death. This pissed off wrestling fans as they saw it as making fun of wrestlers who'd actually died. Which it wasn't, but internet fan > real fan (law of wrestling) so what can ya do. The FBI were also pissed because they had some actor pretend to be an agent and question people, but they're still pissed that they didn't win a steriod-abuse case against him. However he pussied out of this storyline and completely abandoned it after Chris Benoit became an hero. He felt terrible, so he thought it was neccesary to make a 3-hour tribute to the asshole that killed his family. Way to go Vince, nice way to get up the ratings!
He bought his daughter fake tits though, so he did something right and also wanted to form an incest story line with his son..(for real) Now with ratings in decline, Vince hopes that 90 minutes of bullshit and only 30 minutes of Wrasslin will improve Raw.
RICK ROLL'D OVER THE PHONE
[edit] Some Famous Wrestlers
[edit] Abyss
Abyss is what would happen if Kane and Mankind had a love-child (which they tried, however failed at mpreging after a night of hard anus-fucking). He is famous for being the gimp of TNA's leading goth James Mitchell, bringing him out to the ring to knock men around at his bidding. After the two had a major break-up (due to Abyss refusing to fist James' asshole) he went off and tried to make his own career. As you can guess, he failed miserably. Without the mask Abyss is a hasidic jew.
[edit] Batista
Batista is the offspring of The Rock and an Azn Whore who collects lunchboxes. He really hates niggers thus the reason for attacking Booker T IRL. In the ring, he chargez his lazer by shaking the ropes berserkly until he reaches an orgasm then unleashes his signature move, the Hiroshima Bomb.
He has said he is writing a book even though his life is boring. (Which means most of it will be made up) Inside, it will talk about how much he hates niggers and wrestlers backstage. It will also include over 9000 stories about his secks life including his ECW One Night Stands with Ric Flair.
[edit] Bobby Lashley Black Lesnar Black cunt
Black Lesnar is famous for defeating Vince Mcmahon, Umaga, Bob Holly, and every other horrible wrestler. He talks like a faggier version of Mike Tyson, with his nuts in a vice grip, and a Tai Hooker fisting his asshole. He does a cool move or spot once every few matches, and has terrific Microphone time, asking one word questions and uttering one syllable replies. He truly is a caveman with raw ability. The ability to sink Raw's ratings to an all time low. He and John Cena should fuck and make an uber-waste-of-potential-wrestling-talent.
[edit] Big Daddy V
Formerly Known as Viscera and Mabel the Rapping Fat-Ass, is a talentless fat fuck with disgusting man boobs that overlap his spandex, who is currently known as Big Daddy V. His only cool move is the big Daddy V slam, better known as the Black Hole Slam, and Much better executed by Abyss of T.N.A. (Tricky Nigras Attack) fame. Wow WWE, isnt that finisher such a cool name...no seriously, lets just name it after the fat bastard that can barely do it.
This man is a travesty to real wrestlers like John Cena (universe implodes).
[edit] Boogeyman
Boogeyman is a Jewish Sex Monster who lives in the bottomless shit. He is known for crawling into the arena before performing sexual gyrations to arouse 13 year old boys. He then creeps into the ring and proceeds to grab his victims and vomits chewed up cock into their mouth then takes them back to his crib and rapes them for lulz. He also likes raping leprechauns but can't get the gig with his latest interest, Hornswoggle, so has now turned his attention to 6'5, 1,000,000 pound leprechaun Big Daddy V, who is simply playing "Hard to get".
He also has his finishing move where he lifts his victim over his head and proceeds suck their cock until they come and cannot take no more and fall to the ground, to his pleasure. For his outstanding performance of this sexual phenomenon he was given the award for best gay oral sex scene for his match against JBL last Thursday at the WWE Slammy Awards.
[edit] Chuck Taylor
Likes to scare little kids for teh lulz!
[edit] CM Punk
CM Punk (moar like BM Punk amirite?) is famous for stealing rallin' moves from the Japanese, Triple H, and Hugh Hefner. This makes him sort of like an otaku, except even gayer. He was born in Chicago to an impoverished family of drunken Irish. His polio-stricken father used to beat him, which made him turn gay and SXe. During his youth he spent time in and out of reform school his father's bed, where he earned the nickname "Punk" (which is most likely short for "Crappy Matches/Crappy Moves/Corny Moves" "Spunk bucket"). Or, the CM in his name may mean "Claustrophobic Mongoloid" or quite possibly "Contra Master" - or even yet "Chronic Masturbater." How about "Carny Manswordswallower, or could it be simply Child Molester"? It could be "Crazy Manwoman", fuck it could even be "Cumdumpster Manpleaser".. Or possibly Cock Mongler... Who the fuck knows, what is certain, is whatever it stands for its fucking gay.
His Finisher is the G.T.S. (Get Teh Sex) in which he mounts his humiliated opponent over his shoulders. Then proceeds throw the jobber in front of him and quickly thrust his penis into the jobbers mouth.
After a string of carny jobs, he became an overrated rassler and loved by the marks on the internets because he did... what the fuck did he do exactly? (Apparently CM Punk had quite a few good crappy matches on the indie rasslin' circuit...but who cares he's still a faggot.)
Also he fucks most of the skanky girls on the wrestling show. Since he's hardcore (gay) this is probably solely for the thrill of getting re-infected with various forms of the the VD. Hopefully he'll fracture his skull again.
ALSO: Ask him for his real name if you ever see him RL. He'll hate you forever.
His real name is Phil Brooks, and he was born october 26th, 1978. Owned...
[edit] Eddie Guerrero
Eddie Guerrero was born to a young Tijuana donkey-show performer in 1946. He performed in a number of unsuccessful mariachi bands before becoming a shitty Mexican wrestler. He got his career started in ECW while working as a part-time stripper at La Hoya strip club in Mexico. Ed McMahon attended the club regularly, for he enjoyed teh erotic, gay atmosphere. McMahon promised Guerrero a career in ECW for a blowjob, and Eddie gladly accepted. His finisher in ECW was called the "Guerrero Gobbler" after which he would eat his opponents' cum for lulz. Like many Mexicans, he drank heavily and took cocaine by suppository six times a day. But he is best known for fucking up by taking too many steroids, which caused his cock to shrink. Eddie, in shock of the size of it, had a heart attack. Several weeks later, he choked on a taco while working his day job at Del Taco.
Once news broke out, tributes on the internets have been merciless. Johnny Cash's Hurt in another tribute to Eddie? DO NOT WANT!
His body was later dug up by the Necrofessor for Necrophilia fun.
[edit] Eugene
Nick Dinsmore picked to his gimmick of a retard for the lulz after having butt secks with Chin-Chan. He is the personification for Vincent McMahon's hate of /b/tards
Was released for posting pictures of his cock on 4chan.
Recently he has been spotted at ALA-Teen conventions where he picks on twinks and then raeps them, creating Snuff films in the process.
He is currently under house arrest for fucking the mailman. lol
[edit] Jeff Hardy
Popular amongst rockers goths and emos. Jeff Hardy wears more makeup than glam rockers.(Gay LA Makeup.) His rise to fame came from the fact that he'd jump off tall shit, ladders, stages, and your mom. The sky was the limit with Jeff Hardy.
Until he got fired for being a drugged up dipshit. You'll occasionally find a fan website dedicated to him, or worse, gay slash fiction involving his brother, Matt Hardy. I call that incest.
But then the WWE rehired Jeff Hardy so 16-year-old girls would cream their pants again. Appearantly, he's clean and sober, but by the way he acts before he enters the ring, who can tell? amirite?
Ever since he came back, he's had to wear a wife beater to hide his secret fattiness and torn pantyhose on his arms to hide all the track marks, has botched several moves, and sucks on the mic.
Injury and drugs have taken their toll on Jeff. The WWE has resorted to cloning new Jeff Hardys when one dies. The highest causes of death for Hardy clones include Mr. Kennedy, Ladder, Chair, Jeffs special mix of extasy and meth, and impurities in the cloning process.
Yup, good choice for Intercontinental Champion.
Much lulz ensued as last thursday, 3 weeks before GayMania XXL14 Jeff got suspended for failing a Drugs test. Which is what got him fired from the WWE before. Good job idiot. A week after that his house (a trailer) burnt down, but unfortunately Jeff did not perish. His dog did though. What does this all mean? Well aside from a likely drugged-up dog being cooked good, Jeff will likely never get near the WWE Title again. FUCK YES.
[edit] John Tenta
When Vince McMahon's son Shane was a teenager, he rebelled against his poppa by fucking fatass gay bears instead of muscleman homos. So he went out and hired John Tenta, a fat piece of shit who got famous for playing Hurricanes, Typhoons, Sharks, your mother, etc.
Don't worry, nobody gave a shit about him, until RD Reynolds interviewed him. And when he died, Bret Hart raped his fat dead body.
[edit] Kane
The Big Red Machine aka goatse is the biggest monster in wwe.He is so dumb that when he actually won the wwe title he lost it the next day.His finisher is the Chickfuck ,where he grabs his opponent for the penis,lifts them up and then crashes to the ground with them.Then he raeps them until they submit.His brother's name is also 'Taker which is a synonym for goatse.
[edit] Ken Kennedy
Ken Kennedy is the illegitimate butt baby of John F. Kennedy and Marylin Monroe. It is said that when his mother first looked at him she was struck with such disgust that she attempted to drown him in a vat of her own hair dye, which curiously gave Kennedy's hair the ability to peroxide itself. After her mother ditched him like a prom night dumpster baby he survived on nothing but hookers, blow and his father's campaign posters. After being found by Vince McMahon when he was dumping the corpse of one of his underage prostitutes , the rasslin' promoter took him in and taught him everything he knew.
His biggest highlight was beating Funaki and winning Money in the Bank, but he was fucked when he got injured a few weeks after winning it. This reportedly filled him with such fury that he decided to INJURE FUCKING EVERYBODY on the same brand as he is. Kennedy currently has the most man points of any wrestler thanks to calling out Myspacers for the faggots they are and injuring John Cena.
Among his many many many victims are Hardcore Holly, Black Lesnar and John Cena. Strangely enough, he was also the last person to wrestle Eddie Guerrero. COINCIDENCE!? This man is a one man racial cleansing and we here at ED support him. Onward and upward, Mr. Kennedy.
[edit] Kurt Angle
Kurt Angle is a prime example of how to sell out. He won the gold medal the 1996 Olympic Games and then took his skillz and put them up for bidding on the wrestling scene like a whore without any sexual diseases. Whenever a heel, his temper-tantrums turn him into an instant lolcow.
To make matters worse, his broken neck caused him to develop an addiction to oxycontin, and last thursday he was arrested for allegedly driving while intoxicated, despite the fact that he prefers milk to alcohol.
Despite his human form, it is believed (by whiney TNA fucktards) that Kurt Angle is actually a large piece of AIDS, fucking TNA's ass and killing it slowly. After all, what kinda company wants a wrestler who can actually wrestle? That would be madness!
[edit] Matt Hardy
Allegedly calling his singles character Matt Hardy Version 1, Matt has, rather poeticly, crashed several times attempting to create a strong gimmick to sustain himself. Having to put up with 24/7 failiure drove his slut girl Amy Dumbass to sleep with Adam "Edge" Copeland and catapult his career. Matt bitched and lost his job, but was rehired when Vince saw money was to be made from Matt's present reputation. Matt has failed to realize he would make more if he were simply to acknowledge publicly that he does, in fact, look like the Green Ranger
[edit] Legion of Doom
The Legion of Doom consists of two furries named 'Hawk' and 'Animal'. They are also known as The Road Warriors in inferior (non-WWF) leagues. Unknown to all but their hardcore fans, both served as models for the character 'Kano' from
Mortal Kombat(I & II). Their mascot is Toyman. Hawk and Animal held titles around the world but were more known for their size,baldness and love for child-porn. Hawk died a few years ago. Animal wrestles on special occasions. But was then fired because he was not gay.
[edit] Randy Orton
"The Habbo Hotel Killer" Randy Orton has been suspended numerous times by the WWE, due to him crapping in bags for the lulz, closing pools, signing $100 bills to dipshits, and cock slapping Vince McMahon.
He is currently looking to pwn every wrestler up the ass by having a lay-gend killer hit list. So far he has done jackshit, only getting as far as beating up the father of a fake-ass wigger a.k.a John Cena, beating up the father of an anorexic, emo manchild a.k.a Cody Rhodes, beating up an old, wannabe soldier, who wears spandex a.k.a Sargeant Slaughter, and most notably, having HIS fucktard, redneck, father a.k.a Cowchild Bob Orton beat up semi-decent wrestlers like the Undertaker.
His finishing move, "The RKO" (moar like rGAYo, amirite?), is just him giving an inverted tongue kiss to his opponents before bringing their head to the floor in an attempt to concuss them for possible harcore anal rape. There are many variations of this move, but Orton's still a faggot.
[edit] Rick Steiner
Former wrestler who came to fame by playing a retard who pretends to be a dog on account of a real-life car wreck fucking up his head during the late 1980s. In the 1990s, he dropped the retard act and became a bear-type homosexual sadist out of Drummer Magazine, who beat tried to cripple people for shits and giggles using the violent wrestling moves he learned in Japan. Was imfamously duped into having a heated debate with Chucky from the Child's Play movies, to promote "Bride of Chucky", which caused even the fake puppet Chucky to scream in desperation at how pathetic it was to be hyping his movie via arguing with a wrestler...
[edit] Rob Van Dam
The most popular wrestler from some dead promotion from at least 100 years ago, RVD is most known for smoking pot and mixing together martial arts, mat wrestling, filthy sanchez, Tae-Kwon-Do, Armenian ju-jitsu, operation iraqi freedom, firebending, magical girl and other varied types of homosex manloving sports to become one large messy spotmonkey with putrid B.O.. Reached his highest success in 2006 when he defeated the biggest piece of shit to become a dual champion until he was pulled over by the cops for driving nekkid with a Homicidal Suicidal Genecidal death defying maniac.
Ever since then, he can be seen on ECW weekly jobbing out to vampires, teachers and nigras.
[edit] Sabu
A prime example why wrestling is fucking awesome.
[edit] Samoa Joe
Samoa Joe is TEH BEST 'RASSLAR EVA, as voted by whiney TNA fanboys who stroke their cock to the idea of being smothered by Joe's fat-flaps. The truth about fat-tits here is that he tried out for the WWE but Vince didn't hire him because he's too fat (despite being thinner than Big Daddy V and having twice the talent...but who says Vinny needed to use logic in his decisions). As usual, TNA happily ate the scraps that fall on the floor from the table of the WWE.
Though Joe can wrestle a good match, he's got the charisma of a wet-dishcloth, being more living proof of why cousins shouldn't fuck. Despite all his talents though he's never won the TNA Heavyweight belt till recently. But then it makes sense when you consider the fact that he's not a former WWE wrestler so their's no point giving him the belt.
You could also say he's the new Rikishi, only with less personality and without the habit of smothering his cellulite ass into his opponent's faces.
[edit] Scott Steiner
Your Grandpa + Steroids
[edit] Snitski
Snitski is a giant Jew from Norway who is infatuated with loli. When he is not wrestling during the commercials on RAW, He can typically be found roaming playgrounds around the world, looking for potential rape victims and food. Snitski also suffered from horrible cystic acne when he was a teen, and he is constantly reminded of this by the 3 foot deep crater in his asshole.
[edit] The Great Tall
The Great Tall is a shoe-in for the ugliest person on TV awards. After he was born his parents killed themselves since they were unable to live with the guilt of creating such an ugly-bastard of a baby. Too ugly to live with humans Indian social workers dropped the baby off in a cave. Growing up in a cave meant not having an education. This explains why he acts, talks and wrestles like such a mongoloid. The highlight of his carreer came when he actually killed a guy, while wresling on the Indie circuit. Immideately after, Vince saw raw talent, and immeadiately signed this tallentless douche. His finisher is a inverted b*tch slap.
So he can't wrestle, talk on the mic or even please the crowd with his appearance...perfect candidate to have as your World Champion, amirite?
[edit] Triple H
Wrestler who fucks everyone up with a sledgehammer and buries his co-workers for the lulz. Most smarks belive that all that is wrong with Raw is his doing. Because he is maried to the bosses daughter, he has won over 9000world titles. His nickname is 'The Game', which is ironic seeing as how he's lost it at least 100 times.
[edit] Ultimate Warrior
The very definition of the term "batshit crazy."
Other than that, there's not much to say about Ultimate Warrior. The only notable highlight of his career was when he performed fellatio to Hulk Hogan in front of thousands of fans at Wrestlemania 100 (see pic). He was then arrested and forced to retire, as Vince McMahon is a self-hating homo and won't tolerate any outed gays in WWE. No, really. This is ironic since everyone in wrestling is gay.
Today, as part of his probation, Ultimate Warrior has to make motivational speeches to schoolkids about how queering don't make the world work.
[edit] The Undertaker
Undertaker,moar like "UnderFaker" (amirite), is the most fucking powerful wrestler of all time, since he induces instantaneous brick shitting in his opponents and fans alike by simply rolling his eyes up at them. He is famous for his over 9000 record at WrestleMania.
[edit] Save_Us.222
Save_Us.22 (aka Savior_Self, aka Save_UsX29, aka MEGAS_XLR) is a forced meme produced by WWE to prepare for the return of Fozzy frontman and first ever Undisputed Champion Chris Jericho, where he'll likely just cut a promo on Triple H who will feed his head to his crotch and send him and the whole marketing campaign down to the mid-card level. Jericho's return to wrestling would be better appreciated if he hadnt been appearing on CNN and other talk shows plugging his book, smacking people for dissing Superman
[edit] how to win at wrasslin
1)get a "real" injury
2)cry about how you will miss gaymania
3)2 months before the event, make a "stunning" reaperance AND GET A TITLE SHOT!!!111111!!!1!!ONEELVEN!
4)trash talk to other rasserlers
5)get your ass kicked at gaymaina
6)?????
7)PROFIT!
[edit] Deathmatch Wrestling
Invented by japanese sickos in the early 90s, this lulzy variant of professional wrestling is now performed by inbred rednecks, drug addicts and retarded teens all over the world. These guys tear each other apart with weedwhackers, cut their flesh with knives and scissors or throw guys off three story tall buildings to prove how tough they are. Used weapons include barbed wire, lighttubes, thumbtacks, razor blades, knives, swords, explosives, panes of glass, live piranhas, your mom, goatse, harlequin fetuses etc. CZW (combat zone wrestling) and BJPW are Hardcore wrestling promotions featuring lots of blood, gore and lulz. Pretty asian girls are known for their brutal matches too.
[edit] Deathmatch Videos
Lulzy deathmatch scenes
The proper way to use scissors
Hardcore Bitches
[edit] Hardcore Japanese Girl on Girl Action
Asian girls hardcore action
Asian girls deathmatch PT1
Asian girls deathmatch PT2
[edit] Typical Wrestling Fanboy
[edit] Proof that Wrestling is NOT GAY
What you look like after wrestling |
 WWE Monday Night RAW |
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 John Cena vs. Randy Orton (Spoiler Warning) |
 John Cena vs. Randy Orton II (Spoiler Warning) |
 Randy Orton and John Cena come to grips with there sexuality |
 A.J. Styles vs. Samoa Joe |
 The Vertagayer |
 His taunt is his cock giving you the middle finger |
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 Sting chilling out with a close friend |
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
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