Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
ADHD and "ADD," which stand for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Attention Deficit disorder respectively, are two formerly popular propaganda terms used by the parents of stupid children, teachers who can't do their jobs, and white collar drug dealers known as doctors who almost always work with/for the the pharmaceutical industry, the biggest and most powerful drug cartel in the world for at least 100 years now. While it is true that there are a lot of retards out there who cannot converse beyond the third grade level and whose inner lives very closely resemble an average episode of Family Guy, this is not really a disease, it is simply being stupid.
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History
In its heyday, ADHD was the kewlest disease on teh internets, and its "sufferers" were everywhere, much like Asspies and OCDers are today, and like them the source of endless lulz. Because ADHD is basically just the medical term for stupid, any troll with even a modicum of skill could easily whip an ADHDer into a crazy retard frenzy which if done properly would be so funny as to actually cause physical damage by the megalulz unleashed. The Golden Age of ADHD ended when all the "sufferers" got sick of faking, OD'd on their drugs, re-diagnosed themselves with Asparagus Syndrome or became Indigo Children to keep up with retard fashion. Now it is rarely encountered, having passed into history like the bubonic plague. Even when a lone survivor (i.e. one too lysdexic to read the writing on the wall) shows up, all the normal people are usually too bored to get any serious lulz out of them.
Symptoms
The symptoms of ADHD are (or were, when it still existed) very similar to those of the closely related Asparagus Syndrome and Lysdexia. They include:
- Inability to get jokes.
- Use of memes that have been obsolete for at least 100 years in the mistaken belief that this will help you fit in with the normal people.
- Constantly telling everyone all about your stupid fake disease.
- Violent outbursts and generally acting retarded.
- Blaming it on your fake disease.
- Incessant wanking about how your fake disease makes you smarter than everyone else. (Slight difference here. ADHD makes you a genius because you can multitask. Ass-burgers makes you a genius because you can't. Dyslexia makes you a genius because you spell it "mlutitaks".)
- Claiming that Thomas Edison and Einstein had your stupid fake disease, and thus that you are part of the genius master race.
- BAWWWING when anyone but you calls your disease a "disease". ("It's NOT! It's ZMOG!MADE OF AWESOME! Thomas Edison! Einstein!") See also: Denial.
- BAWWWING when they don't.
- Writing fan fiction.
- Expecting to be worshipped for any minor accomplishment, like spelling your own name and tying your shoelaces, because of your disease which isn't a disease and is terrible and also awesome and makes you unable to do anything and better than everyone else all at the same time.
ADHDers stand out from other species of mouth-breather mainly by their fetish for bringing up the fact that they are on DRUGS, just like a movie star, and telling dramatic stories about their drug adventures. Typical ADHD conversational phrases are: "Wait, I need to drop some Ritalin," "I think the Ritalin's kicking in," and "Last night I was on so much Ritalin that I had 84 seizures and my heart stopped beating for nearly 10 minutes. It was awesome!"
This is supposed to make them sound cool and impress normal people with their courage, but fails because only losers take prescription drugs.
Fake vs Real: The Pointless Controversy
Like Asspies, lysdexics and Touretters, ADHDers will (or did, before they became extinct) froth at the mouth at any suggestion that they might actually be fully-functioning human beings like everyone else. This is because all these loids labour under the misconception that they will finally get respect if they can only prove their brains are fucked-up FOR REALZ. Few of them ever wake up to the fact that normal people despise attention whores and genuine retards equally. Those who do usually prefer to be known as Indigo Children, which they don't realise is just the latest euphemism for retarded.
ADHD in daily life
Some people who think they have attention disorders are quite good at video games despite their epic lulz retardation, and also occasionally at the real life counterpart, which is called sports violence. For this reason, it is important that one only mock them on teh webs and not IRL as these people, like many other species of retard, often develop super retard strength when agitated and can tear you to shreds if they get their hands on you. The comic book and movie series The Hulk is partially based on this well-known phenomenon.
Apart from this they are totally useless for all purposes except, according to some people, sex (see below). This does not stop many ADHDers from claiming mad skills in philosophy, number theory, computer science, mathematical logic, abstract calculus, literary theory, theoretical physics, structural linguistics, criminal law and pretty much anything else you can easily lie about on teh internets. Tragically, some of them are deluded enough to believe their own fantasies, because their mothers, teachers and other known liars keep telling them that having the attention-span of a goldfish somehow makes them more intelligent than normal hyooman beings. This is of course baseless propaganda.
Treatment
According to the ADHD propaganda machine, the best way to "cure" the stupid of this "disorder" is to pump them full of drugs, mostly Ritalin and Valium and drugs like that, though these are often more expensive and less effective methods than parenting as has been amply demonstrated on South Park or more controversially by stop feeding them sugary drinks and candy, as just because it says 'sugar-free' on the side of the Cola bottle doesn't mean if those little darlings drink a gallon of it each, that their not going to bounce around like pinball on speed.
However some say Ritalin and Valium are not actually medicine and should only be used recreationally. Neither of these methods work all that well, however, simply because there is no cure for stupid.
Fortunately, nearly all ADHDers eventually graduate from their kiddie cocaine to the real thing, at which point they may become (more of a) arrogant selfish prick. Another treatment is to rape a 16 year old girl, and then buy a gun, load gun with ammo, point gun at head and pull the trigger.
Sex, ADHD & You
Some retards argue that the best thing about ADD/ADHD, aside from the lulz they can be milked for, is that any chick who thinks she has ADD/ADHD has a high probability of being a slut and can easily be convinced that she should let you put your penis inside her. That is bullshit, since there is a good chance that you won't be able to keep her interested long enough to get past 2nd base. But don't despair, for this is probably as far as you can ever hope to get anyway. Besides, if they reject your first offer of cock, you can just ask them again five minutes later and may get a different response. If that doesn't work rape is always an option, as halfway through getting pounded they might forget that they never gave you consent in the first place (too bad you probably can't last that long). On the other hand, they might just as easily forget that they had consented, assuming, per impossibile, that anyone would ever engage in consensual sex with the likes of you in the first place.
They also argue that spotting these chicks IRL requires looking for the ones who: 1) laugh at your stupid jokes and 2) don't notice how little you are listening to their scatterbrained blabbering. However, that is also bullshit, since 1) and 2) apply to 90% of all women populating singles bars.
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Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is part of a series on Diseases and Disorders. |
