India
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —Traditional Indian greeting. |
The subcontinent of India in South Asia, known by Westerners for its Bollywood, curry, doctor mills, elephants, pagans, Hinduism, Gandhi, paki shops and the ever so helpful telemarketers.
Some regard India as an exotic and distant land whose ancient history is full of myth, wonder, and beauty. In reality, the history of India is a history of conquest - as in being subject to conquest. Over the millenia, various empires have had their turn at India-- Alexander the Great; Genghis Khan; various Muslim conquistadors to the west; China started up shit once or twice; and of course, England, who decided to stick around after trying out some of the tea.
Interestingly, while most countries gain their independence by churning out an eager generation of freedom fighters, India managed to shake off the yoke of the British empire due in large part to an old man in a toga. Of course this is bullshit, liberals love metaphorically rimjobbing Gandhi and his legacy but often forget to mention the shitloads of people the British killed (with Indian troops) cos they weren't gonna fight back, or the fact that India already was already descending into anarchy and riots whenever there was an opportunity. Finally when did gain its own sovereignty, which was largely due to the British running out of ammunition and money, so too did Pakistan. The two countries have been in a perpetual pissing contest over everything from religion to just plain trolling ever since.
India is one of the few countries in the world with the distinction of having nukes. But then again, so does Pakistan, which is a lot more Islamic, and a lot less fun. Naturally, the underlying nature of their rivalry becomes clearer when you consider that they were the same country 60 years ago, and that most of the drama between the two of them is over them both claiming a stretch of worthless, uninhabitable mountains in the name of national pride. Thus calling an Indian a Paki is akin to calling a Jew an Arab. It is therefore, an extremely good source of lulz. Also having the dubious honor of sharing a border with India is Bangladesh, who India liberated from Pakistan only to look down upon it like a retarded step child. Then there's China, who zerg rushed (seriously, they didn't see it coming!) India in the 60s and took a chunk of territory the size of Switzerland, which India is still butthurt over. So all in all, one can say India has good relations with its neighbors.
Although modern images of India often show poverty, India was one of the richest countries on earth until the time of British invasion in the early 18th Century. Christopher Columbus was also attracted by India's wealth and accidentally found America thus allowing the white men to rape another civilization in the process. India is also primarily Hindu, with leftover Muslims who couldn't afford to move to Pakistan and the Sikhs who were naive enough to let India and Pakistan split their homeland in two, only for the Muslims to kick them out of Pakistan. There are also a shitload of Christians there too due to St. Thomas being trolled by Jesus to go to India and go fundamental on the locals, also the Portuguese inquisitions put a stop to a lot of those disgusting heathens, in Goa anyway. Having said that, when you consider that Hindus regard the cow (and it's urine) as sacred, as retarded as they are, Christianity and Islam begin to appear much more sane by comparison.
Currently India's most severe problem is a continuing health catastrophe caused by the fact that poor people defecate all over everything because there aren't enough toilets (srsly). This can happen to any once-proud culture after being sufficiently raped by the forces of predatory economic globalization.
Contents |
History
India has a long and proud tradition of being invaded and overrun by minorities, but alas, this wasn't always so. India was home to one of the first civilizations in history, so with that in mind, it appears someone was complacent. After about 8,000 thousand years of enjoying sovereignty, the Persians pwned the northern regions, this would be the start of a long tradition of being on the receiving end of foreigners for ages to come. But in the mean while, after the Persians in turn got their asses handed to them by the Greeks under Alexander the Great, the Indians managed to unite their own country...for a while anyway.
Over next few centuries, the Greeks, then the Persians, and the Kushans all took turns to pwn India into submission, though India once again became free this was short lived as they were once again pwned though this time by the Huns. Then the natives once again were independent for a few hundred years till the Islamified Arabs came followed by the Islamified Persians who in turn followed were by the Islamified Persianised Turkic Moguls. So yeah, India is a nation of mongrels if you haven't figured it out yet.
The Mughals, being a foreign Muslim minority, figured out that perhaps shoving their religion down the throats of their Hindu subjects was akin to pissing in an ocean of piss, so instead of taking the inadvisable root of getting booted like their predecessors, they learned to respect everyone else's beliefs. Which by Muslim standards of tolerance was just force everyone to pay extra taxes and kill every other infidel that gets too loud instead of just plain killing everyone like they did in Iran and the Middle East. Alas, such tolerance wouldn't last long as some hardcore Muslim called Aurangzeb suddenly had the balls to finish the job, or at least try anyway. Suddenly what was once a society where the Muslim elite leached off the hard working Hindu majority (sounding familiar?), imploded into anarchy and it got so bad that even the Afghans raided the north every now and again, well after the Iranians stole almost everything that wasn't nailed to the floor of course.
The natives now no longer under the heel of their Muslim subjugators, now felt enough was enough and decided to take what was rightfully theirs, even if it was around 700 or 800 years overdue. Alas, freedom never does last long with Indians as we have seen and were soon under the feet of their new overlords the Portuguese...then the French...and then finally the British after pwning both the French and the Indians, with Indian troops ironically enough.
The British are quick to tell everyone that they introduced football, cricket, the railway, and uh some other important stuff. But what they don't tell you is that they weren't there to give the Indians a free meal. For a country that was already the world's largest manufacturing nation of the day and with an ancient civilized culture, what could the British do for India?
None of the previous pillagers and booty hungry invaders gave anything back so the British too didn't have to restrain their kleptomania, leaving India a third world nation, prone to famine with low literacy rates and shitty infrastructure by the time they left 200 years later in 1947. To add to teh lulz, Britain felt compelled to give the tiny Muslim populations of India their own nations despite the other half of the areas in question being non-Muslim; hence you can thank Britain for great nations such as Bangladesh and Pakistan.
Typical Indian Jobs
Indians are known for doing at least nine kinds of jobs:
- Doctors - Though innumerable, you won't find any in India. For you see the medical profession is one of selflessness and helping the needy, thus nearly all Indian doctors go abroad to countries like Britain, Canada and America to offer their expertise and provide medical care for
profitthose without. PROTIP: Don't get stabbed in India.
- Taxi Driver - Monopolizing the business for themselves and generally undercutting the native hard-working white men who would have otherwise gladly milked the public. Of course, since India is a land of nearly 100 language-dialects, passengers still can't understand what the hell the driver is saying.
- Indian Restaurant Owner/Waiter - Sells watered downed, over spiced, "Indian" food to gullible Westerners. Typically, they go because they regard experimenting with foreign cuisine as being liberal, free thinking, and open minded. Lulz commence when anal hemorrhaging follows the next day.
- Business Graduate - Just like Americans, they actually believe that this degree will give them a future. But, unlike in America, it awards instantaneous respect despite being a cakewalk that any idiot can do. Bonus points if they studied abroad and paid through the nose to obtain an MBA.
- Tele-marketers - Also known as phone trolls. What makes Indian telemarketers even more annoying is not the way they pronounce English, but rather the way they pass themselves off as Americans (regardless of English dialect) with lulzy names like "Bahb", "Jehnifurr", "Jahn".
- Hotel Owner - Fucking own every Best Western in America.
- Tech Support - Often works on part of companies like Dell and Microsoft. Instead of giving menial jobs to ungrateful fat westerners who barely passed their IT degrees, contemporary corporations now often farm out their jobs to low waged Indians, whom are more willing to take it up the ass than their cushy liberal counterparts. Indian phone operators are famed for their polite etiquette and excellent grasp of the language. Even better, Hindu mysticism has instilled them with the uncanny ability to sense immediately if someone is calling to cancel, so they can hang up on them before they even ask.
- Computer Programmer - Unlike their useless 7331 hAx0r American counterparts, these computer science nerds are actually useful and thus companies like Microsoft being the ethical and fair corporations they are, are not only importing these people to undercut native salaries, but are also outsourcing their work-orders to India as well. PROTIP: get an Indian work visa to go along with that computer science degree of yours, or at least a spatula anyway.
- KFC Knock-Off Chain Owner - Too cheap for KFC? No problem, just go to Maryland Chicken or Dixie Chicken, where the food is half the cost but twice the fun! Fun being the food poisoning due to cheap undercooked meat. As much as everyone loves to say they hate America, all you have to do is slap the stars and stripes onto something, in this case fried chicken and everyone coughs up their money, hence you get these knock off fried chicken chains with Yankee sounding names, cos it ain't fried chickenz unless it's AMERICAN fried chickenz.
- Convenience Store Owner - Have you ever been in a convenience store or corner shop that wasn't owned by an Indian? If so, pics or it didn't happen.
Bollywood
It is by order of Allah (Azn mod), that every Bollywood film MUST feature Women with too much hair (arms, lips etc), men who look western enough to maybe crossover into mainstream media and both sexes singing piss-poor songs. Pysical contact and unclothed flesh must never be seen, OH NOES! Suprisingly, these drawbacks do not affect Bollywood (Gollywoggywood, amirite?) viewing figures, and they consistently draw crowds of up to 14 people.
Bollywood is a the Indian equivalent to Hollywood if you haven't already figured that out (PROTIP: It's a portmanteau of Bombay and Hollywood). If you thought that Hollywood was suffering from the same old unoriginal, plagiarized, recycled, boring, banal, retarded, melodramatic, predictable, cookie cutter, PG-13 films - than you may be grateful that, at least, it's no where near as bad as Bollywood films. On the bright side, many lulz can be had (even if they are for the wrong reasons).
Traillur? Vat iz dat? No, kan't say I've evur herd uv it:
<center>Classic Bollywood Movie with Actual Subtitles:
Indian Television
On season 1 of some show that rips off a shit NBC show in the US, the bitch who hosts the show decided to hit a contestant and got fucking clocked right back like she deserves.
| —A real American male, not a sissy faggot |
They also have a Youth TV show who's host looks like a fat version of M.I.A. Her name is Malishka and she has a show on RedFM. I mean seriously, take M.I.A, feed her McDonalds for a month. You have Malishka.
| —Malishka |
Trivia & Other Useless Facts
- Indians have small cocks
- India is the world's largest, oldest, continuous civilization. Might it therefore automatically be the best civilization?
- Despite being a country where one third of the population suffers from poverty, India has some of the
bestbetter food in the world. Even curry is the national dish of Britain, though most of the white English natives who eat it would like to boot out all the minorities anyway.
- India, like the Chinese, have their own amazing "traditional" medicine, known as Ayurvedic medicine, notable for introducing the world to mercury and lead based medicines.
- Also like China, India boasts a population of over 1 billion people. However, because most of the marriages there are prearranged by the families, there is automatically no passion and love to begin with, unlike in a regular marriage when you realize that after turning fat and bald.
- Indians invented the very first RTS game known in English as "chess".
- Before Islam arrived and introduced the concept of shame to India, Indians were disgustingly shameless heathens and actually wrote the Kamasutra, which isn't a cook book in case you didn't know.
- India is the birthplace of Yoga and is to blame for all those pretentious celebrities and yuppies who go to yoga classes and encourage "stretching" instead of actual exercise, adding to the West's obesity epidemic.
- Indians are proud of and will often tell you that India invented the zero, though
they do not seethe irony in this is inconsequential.
- Indians being non-white minorities outside India identify with hip-hop and rap culture, and think adding S's and Z's after every word makes them coolerz, which makes for awesome sounding nicknames such as Shazz(y), Jazz(y), Sams, Sazz, Kizz, Dipz etc.
- Liberals actually believe Gandhi and civil disobedience liberated India. PROTIP: The British ran out of bullets.
- Prostitution is legal in India but pornography isn't.
- All Indians are desperately afraid of anti-perspirant deodorant. Deodorant killed several Hindu gods and led to the domination of India by Muslims. Not wearing deodorant also allows an indian to remember the delicious curry they had for dinner last night, as it seeps out of their pores.
National Sports
- Telemarketing
- Whinging
- Pissing Off Everybody
- Burning Effigies
- Crapping Everywhere
- Raping Mad Cows
- Taking Over Everything
- Coming to more civilized Countries that aren't buried in ten feet of crap and raping everyone of their jobs
- Worshipping Elephants with 20,000 Arms
- Cheating in Cricket
Famous Indians or People of Indian Ancestry
- Buddha
- Daler Mehndi
- Sanjaya
- Ghandi
- Kahn Noonien Singh
- Deepak Chopra
- Sanjay Gupta, American Surgeon General. (see video)
- The doctor that delivered you from your mother's insidious, malformed loins
- NawlinWiki
Gallery of Indian Culture
 M. N. Vijayan [1] |
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 Vest saede burro! |
 While not well known, Indians do have a colorful sense of humor. |
 Indians are dedicated to their work. |
 1 billion people - sex education X sporadic abortion clinics = lol wut |
 An Indian ventriloquist and his puppet. |
 A Hindu temple before the Islamic barbarian invasions. |
 A Hindu shower, they actually believe cow piss is holy water. |
 Could that be...? Surely not. |
 Is that some sort of clown car? No it's Indian public transport. |
 A role model to all Indian people because he runs a convenience store. |
 Not to be confused with this kind of Indian. |
See also
