greets to the final bosses of internet: cromlech, aush0k, dshocker, atomiku, Romford trev, piddle, rolo, baz.

Internets

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Internets is part of a series of tubes.

Internets

internets come in a box with a handy-dandy cat.

Go steal a bike, you internet gangster.

TO THE INTERNET!!

Privacy is for babies.

Internet food chain.

Teh Santa Cat noes waht joo want 4 xmas!!!1!

The internets should not be confused with trucks.

Quick reference guide provided for ease of use.

This is where the rumors are

Infant cats feed on internets for the lulz

Shopping for the correct internet can sometimes prove to be an intimidating task, and professional assistance is usually recommended.

The mystery of wireless, revealed.

How to be a professional Internet-er. Note the letter of the correct answer.

Map of the internets on the Urinoco River

This is an example of Internets Phenomena, aka shit that no one fucking understands.

The Internets, circa 1997

W knows about the serious business

Internets: The keyboard is like a magic carpet ride to a land filled with knowledge and pornograhy. Not featured in photograph: pedobear.

If you think you are lacking internets, check under your bathroom sink. If you see a tube, you already have an internets connection.

The birth of the lulz.

Girlvinyl is now a meme.

The Internets are a series of tubes invented by Al Gore and pluralized by George Bush, which are used to transfer porn across the planet. It has, in recent years, evolved into the greatest MMORPG of all time, where players choose one of two factions and compete for either lulz or anti-lulz respectively. This of course divides into many smaller classes and such, each with their own culture, ideas, and often language. In fact, the internets is basically an electronic version of Earth--who woulda thunk it?

[edit] History

The internets were developed by Al Gore at the request of the US military in the early 1960s as an expedient means by which to share pornography between various installations in continental United States, and later, Europe and Asia. Pornography was largely illegal at the time and before the virtuous self-sacrifice of Larry Flynt, one could find a few tit shots here and there, but pink and penetration were considered criminal obsenity punishable by death, followed by castration. In order to evade mail searches by officious police and customs officals, internet pornography was sent by means of kibbles, bits and bytes, which could only be deciphered by powerful computers.

The Vietnam War spurred further development of the internet, in order to both allow the transfer of high quality American pornography to the troops stationed in Asia, and allow fresh CP taken in Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos and Thailand to quickly be transferred back to the United States. In the 1972, the decision was made to extend internet service to American research universities, after sources in the pentagon determined that students at MIT had a copy of Deep Throat that they would upload if given the opportunity. Although it is still often referred to as the interweb, a reference to the spider web which once carried optical signals, this term is now technically incorrect, as information is now passed through a series of tubes, more akin to a sewer system.

The Internets (formally known as the Al Gore eXperience), a magical cloud of information that floats over your head in the stratosphere, was invented at least 100 years ago by Al Gore and pluralized by George W. Bush. At first it was used only by the army, ensuring that in the event of nuclear war, officers could still view porn. Some time around 1981 or 2007 (if you're a FAG !!!1!), some guy in his basement found that he could use his Atari 2600 with his 300 baud modem to steal the internet for himself. 5 years later, AOL streamlined this process and the Internets as we know them now were born. Only these days, there is way moar free pr0n and moar warez. It is rumoard there may be small pockets of useful information hidden deep in the bowels of the Internets. This has been proven to be false. Presently, scientists believe the Internets to be the greatest proof that most of our species is totally fucking batshit insane, outdoing even the holocaust and white people.

The Internets is also unique to history in one way. Any person who uses the Internets has no idea what they're doing on it. Whereas most people who use a car know the basics of driving, no one on the Internets has a damn clue how to use the Internets. While the functional value of the Internet may be debated, its comedic value is off the charts. It has also been scientifically proven that the moar you use the Internets, the less you will get smex.

Last Thursday, whilst digging a hole in his basement, at least 100 year old billy goat and Chairman of teh Senate Internets Pwning Committee, Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) discovered that the Internets is not a big truck after all but actually just a bunch of tangled up tubes [1] and that said tubes are all clogged up with the pubic hairs from all the Internets pr0n. This, of course, explained why his Internets were taking so long to get to him. [2]

He then announced that he was the new Inventor of teh Internets and Plumber in Chief. Then he made a hawt disco record about it. [3]

[edit] The internet is for fucking porn and nothing moar

[edit] The Internet is Safe

In the cartoon series of Reboot, the main characters, who are pussies, they decide to tell everyone that the internet is a dangerous place and it's full of viruses. The only things they do is defend the system by playing games that is somehow downloaded from the internet. They think they'll die if they lose the game and everything will reset. On one episode, Megabite who is a fucking virus who's too lazy to do anything, finally decides to send Bob to the internet where he will be lost forever. Later on throughout the series, Bob comes back becoming more epic with full knowledge of the internet.

This is an example of why you should be exposed to the internet. If you ever disconnect your computer from the internet, you will stop the flow of lulz into your system and eventually become an hero. No one cares about what your mom says about the dangers in the internet; As long as you're smart enough to not fall into their traps, you can continue on your quest to the end of the internet.

[edit] How It Works

Nobody knows how the internets work, except the Jews, nor do they care, and no one seems to care about the Jews. Extensive research by Alan Turing shows that they can have intelligence and be indistinguishable from people but it has since been deciphered that they communicate in very different ways.

Computers talk like this:

ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ONE ONE ZERO!

People talk like this

"LOLLERCOASTER!!!! ^_________________^ ASL"

Neither one makes any sense but sometimes the computers replace the ONE ZERO stuff with BEEPS and BOOPS like on non-cable modems (the phone kind, aka dial-up). Because that travels over speech wires. Cable Modems are faster because they travel over TV. The scrolling stuff at the bottom of CNN Headline News is fast like a cable modem.

Everybody likes to flame people for asking for illegal warez, but in truth EVERYTHING on the internet is illegal. That includes YouTube, mp3s, and anything on 4chan. There is no such thing as legal on the Internets.

[edit] Internet Dialects

The internets have many different languages. Common languages include Standard Internet and various forms of leet (like |337, 1337, and l33t). Japanese and Chinese merge on the internets to form Asian, which is the common Eastern tounge of the Nets. Once in a while, you actually find people that speak a real-life language, like English.

Standard Internet is probably the most well known language in the world to everyone except your mom. It's also referred to as "Netspeak" or "The Common Tounge". It mostly spoken on MySpace, youtube, jewtube, and other sites that of the sort.

"Hey, I found this entertaining, please watch this."

"yo htis sh!t wuz funy!!!!11 plz veiw lol"

The dialect varies from age to age, 13 and under people tend to have thicker accents like:

"How do I post a comment? Please help."

"hw doi maec it komen hlep plzkthxbai"

Major Dialect: 1337speak

- 73 !nf!n!t!v3, 73 "73" = us3d 2 pHuck!ng much

- 73 n0unz0r$ end in "z" 0r "0r"

- Plur@l n0unz0r$ end in "z0r$"

- L0ts 0f "5"-z0r$ @re repl@ced by "z"-z0r$

- 'H4x0rz' br4ix @ll 73 rulez0r$

- I = in ur internetz, lol!

- C ^^ 4 m@r infoz

Another dialect is emoticon, frequented by 16 year old girls:

"I'm so happy...I love you." ":D :D I <3 u"

[edit] ZOMG! Internets crashes 2007!

[edit] How to Win at the Internets

Wear your thickest skin
Get Internets (see ISP, below)
Troll
shock images
Megaloader
Downloads a map.
PWN nubs
PWN the final boss AKA the internet tough guy invading the message boards on every website. Be warned: he is very hard.
????
Profit!!!

Failed the internets rat race.

Cat attempting to Win at the Internets.

[edit] Internet Service Provider

An ISP, or Internet Service Provider, is the company that sends a portly middle aged man to install a series of tubes in your home. The term is a misnomer as the Internets is not a service, since it really doesn't do anyone any good whatsoever. seeNet Neutrality

Most ISP's also hire cackling demons that have access to a special "REACTIVATE MAH INTERNETS NOW BUTTON" which they refuse to press, mostly for the lulz. They also have access to a second special button called the "DISABLE THE INTERNETS NOW BUTTON" which waits until your doing something important with your internets like checking on the latest pr0n and it stops working.

The only way to fix this is to call the ISP on their special batphone and make them press the "REACTIVATE MAH INTENERNETS NOW BUTTON" this generally takes them about 100 years and is considered to be anti-lulz

[edit] Internet Phenomenon

The "internet phenomenon" is the tendency for suicide, murder, and rape to increase as people gain access to the Internet. It is best described as an exponential curve which most developed countries are just starting to travel.

An Internet Phenomenon can also take the form of an annoying game or meme that spreads itself around the internet so much that it is considered a phenomenon.

[edit] Anonymity

Before the internets, this man was cordial

It's been scientifically proven that the Internets instantly turns you into an asshole. This is due to the fact that unlike IRL, there are absolutely no social consequences to how you behave (e.g., using "internets" excusively to refer to The Internet, because it's "really funny" [in any context] and makes you a legitimate member of The Community, with no subsequent mass slapdowns). This lead to a famous IRC quote that can be found here. See also Internet Fuckwad Theory.

Anonymity also allows people to entertain bizarre notions that would otherwise be suppressed or dismissed as completely inappropriate for an intelligent human being. Prior to the invention of the Internets, geographic separation and social sensibility would have made people think twice before having a bowel movement in their under clothing. The Internets however has facilitated the formation of a communities where similarly damaged individuals provide each other with mutual legitimization. Other perversions that are a direct result of the internets include:

[edit] Rumors on the Internets

Besides helping pedophiles better locate prey and giving basement-dwelling nerds a place to feel cool, the Internets has successfully promulgated moar rumors than any other previous form of media. Thanks to the Internets, if you can think of it, it probably has an associated rumor.

[edit] Conspiracy Based

The most widely-known rumors are almost all "conspiracy-based," which is to say that they hinge upon an "us versus them" mindset (where "us" equals everything good and normal, and "them" equals everything wrong with the world). Some especially popular conspiracy rumors include:

Conservative conspiracies
Liberal conspiracies
The Encyclopedia Dramatica conspiracy
Homosexual conspiracies (also known as the Homosexual agenda)
The worldwide Jewish conspiracy
The worldwide Masonic conspiracy
Religious conspiracies
Ginger folk don't bite
The Anti Internet Activists
Most importantly, The Potato Conspiracy
The OH SO TRUE! 9/11 conspiracy

[edit] Non-Conspiracy Based

Of course, not all rumors are conspiracy-oriented; many are just stories spread by various sources about certain individuals or groups. Common subjects of rumor, as well as those vectors and groups by which they are spread, include:

[edit] The Internet is Serious Business

even Picard knows it's serouse buissnes.

all hail teh internets dawg.

Some people speculate that the internet isn't just for lulz but they are wrong, and by the looks of it, Popular Opinion agrees. They tell us that the internet is serious fucking business and that it is used for such things as:

[edit] People/Groups who Agree

Fonzu
Afro Dave
SheezyArt
devianTARTs
Newgrounds
FireFox
adobe
Microsoft(yup.. all that spyware is pretty damn serious if you ask me.)
SonicRocksMySocks
Psyguy
Tony Eveready
Hal Turner Biggest internet tough guy out there.
Jesus
16-year-old girls
Any other weirdo or Social Networking site you can think of.

[edit] Real life video game

It was discovered last Thursday by Fox News that a group of domestic terrorists [the internet hate machine (a group of hackers on steroids)] had turned the Web into a real-life video game. This game involves activities such as sacking Web sites, creating chaos and truly epic lulz, blowing up yellow vans and disrupting innocent people's lives.

[edit] Limitations

Excuse me, WTF are you doing?

Carrie's mom thinks the internets is a sin!

In recent years, most countries have passed laws regulating who can use the internet. Nearly every civilized country has forbid anyone over the age of thirty-five from use of the series of tubes. Many moar countries do not allow women online.

These laws met with little controversy, because both of those groups are computer illiterate anyway.

The government wants to tax you for going on to the internets and using this site.