iPhone
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| John McCain invented the iPhone! |
The iPhone is an iPod...with coast-to-coast tard talk. You used to be able to call fellow fucktards and tell them about how you just spent the fantastically large amount of $599 U.S. Dollars for your sweet new tele, but since noone wanted to pay retarded prices for a phone Walmart now sells them for $99. Jewfails love the iPhone because it sucks dick, and it is the only thing they like more than Jewgold and ovens.
Contents |
Bend over, Apple incoming
The iPhone is Apple's newest way to Jew you, hardcore. The phone retails at $5,000-$6,000 Jesus bucks, but only costs Apple $250 and a bowl of rice (to feed the Asian) to make. Don't forget when the battery dies (and it will) you get to send it to Apple and pay them to have one of their Asians, monkeys or Asian monkeys to do something every other phone company in the world allowed you to do yourself. They will also delete all your data on your phone, too, because they're too lazy to back your data up. If any Jewfails were to complain, it's off to the oven, you Nazi!
Pros
- Screen that fat people will smudge with their sausage fingers.
- Fingerprint identification (see above).
- Get more dates at the gay bar.
- Easily digestible for the average fat person.
- Pretty colors.
- Blendtec blenders blend it.
- You can break an Xbox by dropping an iPhone bill on it.
- You can start a 7.5 earthquake by dropping an iPhone bill on the floor.
- The older phone got cheaper plans with AT&T than most of AT&T's smartphones, but now that's all gone...
- GPS
Cons
- DOES NOT COME WITH A HELMET (Dual purpose, lets other people know you're a tard and prevents head trauma related to tardness).
- People sound like robotic shit.
- Could't capture video until the third 3GS came out, making you shell out even moar jewgoldz for it.
- The camera is like a Jewfail rip-off.
- Maddox has a full rundown.
- Does not teleport (despite promises to the contrary).
- No free software.
- Each software update is over 200 megs and can only be downloaded through iTunes and iTunes refuses to pause or save the download so when you get disconnected, you have to re-download the whole thing. iTunes, like Quicktime, changes to a new version every 2 days requiring a 70 meg download each through Apple's software updater program.
- Screen cannot be cleaned with anything capable of disinfecting such as ammonia or even alcohol. Attempting to do so will break the iPhone.
- 1/1000 of a single sprinkle drop of water will destroy your iPhone, hence invaliding your warranty.
- No insurance - once dropped, you have to buy a new one.
- No AD2P, cant use your shinny wireless bluetooth headphones.
- Multitasking is for fags, its retro like DOS.
- No copy and paste, you need to be revolutionary.
- No MMS to keep uncool people without iPhones away from you.
Service Provider
As if it isn't enough that retards are shelling out over 9,000 dollars for their shitty overpriced phone that nobody will call them on anyway because they have no friends, you also have to use AT&T, which will stick it in your ass every month with a 300 page bill that is HUGER THAN XBOX!!111!!1ONEONE1
The Jews at Apple were successfully trolled IRL by one of their own when hobbit Frodo Baggins, under the internet handle "geohot", unlocked the iPhone after he refused to believe that one does not simply unlock an iPhone. Now lucky iPhone users can use their iPhones on T-Mobile. EVERYBODY REJOICE! A few hours after saying he didn't want to make money off of his work, Frodo placed the phone for sale on eBay, along with this gem on his blog:
| —geohot cashing in on his fame. |
How to make money off of iPhone
- For $50 each, buy counterfeit unlocked iPhones from Asia with removable batteries (save customers $80 bucks plus $50 phone rental when changing the battery).
- Sell on eBay. (All iPhones sold on eBay are unlocked and all unlocked sold as new are counterfeit.)
- Close the bank account associated with your PayPal account when customers file disputes for their money back in PayPal.
- After being suspended from eBay, sell the fake iPhone on iOffer where counterfeits are welcome with open arms.
- ??????
- Profit!!!
iPhone 3G
Announced Last Thursday Crapple found a new way to piss off fanboys by releasing a new phone a year later.
The features include:
- 3G To download your CP faster, which will also get you V& quicker, and that's if you're in one of AT&T's shitty ass 3G coverage areas.
- GPS, which stands for Get Past Spear Chuckers. Now your iPhone will tell you what place is a black neighborhood so you can quickly GTFO
- Better battery life. Only 10 minutes longer! But it eats up the battery twice as fast.
- Higher bills. Pay $10 more for the SAME PHONE a month!
- Tiny fucking cracks all over the phone you bought because it looks good.
- A soon to be announced recall because of a glitched 3G antenna amplifier that makes the iPhone not pick up 3G coverage in the same areas that other phones do. Quality Engineering.
The iPhone still won't get you laid....unless if you want to continue to get fucked in the ass by an AIDS-infected Steve Jobs.
iPhone 3G NOW WITH S
The jews over at apple realized how fail the iPhone 3G sometime Last Thursday and decided if they put an S on the end it would all be better. What it really did was add all the features that should have been included but they were too stupid to implement.
These include:
- HOLY SHIT 2x FASTER THAN THE IPHONE 3G
- Video camera
- Voice control
- Cut and Paste
- Voice recording
- Turn that bitch on its side and its a LANDSCAPE FUCKIN' KEYBOARD
- A compass? Really?
and much more useless shit you probably won't need in a phone.
The 3GS now has a killswitch that won't let the phone work when it reaches 113F/45C. [1] Now if you live in The Middle East, near Arizona, in Egypt, or in anywhere else that regularly gets over 110F/43C for most of the year, then guess what? Your iPhone 3GS just will never work!
How to commit EPIC FAIL using an iPhone
Last Thursday some dumb 16 year old whore (excuse the redundancy) had buttsecks and lost her virginity on a beach, the slut was so pleased that she felt the immediate need to tell her bff and wrote her a message with the text "OMG! Just had 1st time on beach! Gr8! wish u were here", but being the dumb cunt she is she sent it to her daddy, creating much drama and lulz.
Way to go, silly bitch!
Camera Phone
If you're going to take photos of your aunt in the shower or attempt to kill a cat remember, that the iPhone's photos contain the GPS coordinates within the EXIF data of each photo. It is always important to remember to remove such evidence before posting photos on b.
 Old School Trolling |
 Attempted cat killer lives here. |
Conclusion
Asshats buy iPhones, don't be an asshat.
The iPhone is the anti-lulz, and only meant for Jewfails.
Trivia
- You have to supply your own lube when you take it up the ass for a 500 dollar phone.
- Other phones have more features and still look good.
- People in the United States are more likely to spend money on a worthless item with an Apple logo while taking it up the ass from a horse than get a job and contribute to the Earth
Video
Typical(Doing it wrong)
Giant Douche
Nerd Surgeons dissect iPhone
Now at Walgreen's!
Bill O'Reilly reviews the new 3G iPhone
The new features of the iPhone 3G
Tutorial on What do with your new iPhone
iPhone for poor fucks
For those who can't afford a cell phone plan. You can get the iPod Touch. It's the same fucking thing at the same fucking price, only there is no phone part.
But What's iff Eye's Already Boughtendghd an Iphonezors??
Baby Shaker
Recently, Apple decided to troll its customers by approving a "Baby Shaker" game for the iPhone, in which: "Baby Shaker makes revolutionary use of the iPhone and iPod Touch's accelerometer to simulate killing a crying infant. When the app starts up with its wailing and carrying on, simply shake it to make it stop. You'll know it's worked when the crying is over and two red Xs appear over the baby's eyes. See? FUN." Not realizing the reality distortion field was turned off at this time, the media response was negative, and it had to be pulled. So if you're an iPhone user and you want to fulfill your dream of shaking little screaming shits until they are dead virtually, you're out of luck.
The Baby Shaker incident set off a worldwide media firestorm. The following is a timeline of the Baby Shaker incident, from the article on KRAPPS.com which broke the news to ultimately Apple pulling Baby Shaker from the App Store and issuing a public apology (which is rare, Apple does not publicly apologize too often):
4/21/09 - 10:00pm PST: KRAPPS discovers the Baby Shaker app.
4/21/09 - 12:30am PST: KRAPPS publishes Baby Shaker article titled "Baby Shaker - It's Not Funny Apple! http://krapps.com/2009/04/22/baby-shaker-it%e2%80%99s-not-funny-apple/ and announces article on Twitter.
4/22/09 - 1:11am PST: KRAPPS announces article on Twitter http://krapps.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/babyshakertweet1dated.jpg
4/22/09 - 5:30am PST: First re-tweet of the above tweet by @Dixwifey http://twitter.com/Dixwifey/status/1584163646
4/22/09 - 9:18am PST: Jennipher Dickens (@mom2amiracle), who founded a nonprofit organization (Stop Shaken Baby Syndrome, Inc.) saw the KRAPPS Baby Shaker article, tweeted her disgust and forwarded a press release to 30,000 media companies citing KRAPPS as the source of the story.
4/22/09 - 11:07am PST: CNET broke the Baby Shaker story on their site (crediting KRAPPS). Shortly thereafter, Tech Crunch broke the story (crediting CNET). Twitter was going off with Baby Shaker tweets and retweets. CNET story > http://news.cnet.com/8301-13579_3-10225016-37.html Tech Crunch story > http://www.techcrunch.com/2009/04/22/feel-like-shaking-a-baby-to-death-theres-an-app-for-that/
4/22/09 - 11:09am PST: Apple removes Baby Shaker from App Store http://s66964.gridserver.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/img-0055.png
4/22/09 - 3:30pm PST: mainstream media has picked up the Baby Shaker story: New York Times, Boston Herald, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times and more, including worldwide radio and television
4/23/09: Apple issues public apology for Baby shaker incident.
