Guido

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A diagram outlining the finer points of Guidoing.

Guidos are the native species of Italian douchebag endemic to the Jersey shore.

However, their distribution and range extends from Florida to New York, especially in cities with a GNC. They display the outward appearance of an oven roasted over-inflated Miami clubfag due to orange spray tan and glow in the dark teeth. They are, however, easily discerned from the former by their vocalizations. Whereas your average club faerie has a high nasal lisp with decent pronunciation, Guido's voices sound like Robert DeNiro singing "Trapped in the Closet" with a donkey boner wedged in his esophagus. It is hypothesized that the two would actually sound the same but the Guido's voice has actually been altered by excessive use of steroids for body building and interference from his collagen injected lips. Despite this, Guido's delude themselves that they are living the Mafioso life style and that they are Dean fucking Martin. The Guido is a close relative to the small and skinny Styla, who mostly pollutes German clubs with his garlic breath and his inflated ego.

Natural Habitat

Typical Guido.

Trufax.

Needs moar spray tan.

Guidos are the shit

Guidos can usually be found inside a club sweatily dry-humping other guidos and trannies to bad pop music while chugging Jagerbombs, AMF's (really GHB) and Fuzzy Nipples. A little-known fact is that guidos cannot live unless they are constantly around bad party music and large televisions, which is why you only see them at clubs, bars, tacky apartments, and gyms. Occasionally guidos can actually make it away from these venues for short periods of time to either tan (both spray and in tanning beds) or attend bodybuilding events.

Mating

Guidos spend 75% of their time and energy on mating (The other 25% is spent moisturizing their balls and working out). Despite the fact that they spend hours per day applying eyeliner and mascara, their eyesight is unusually poor due to their large brow ridges and oversized high cheekbones. Because of this, guidos primarily search out their mates by smell. As a result of this, the primary mates of the guido are the traps, I.A.P.s, and J.A.P.s in that order.

Guido mating season occurs between the hours of 9pm and 4am and is quite elaborate and structured, similar to the dance of the mayfly or the spawning of Pacific salmon. Unlike those two more advanced species, guidos do not collapse and die at the end of the night; rather, their steroids and 'e' keep them awake for unnecessary weeks on end.

Sleep

Guidos sleep rarely; this is mainly because of the prevalence of meth in the Italian-American community. The closest to regular sleep that guidos get comes from either after "crashing" or after being tricked into drinking a GHB-laced Sea Breeze. As guidos age, this life-style becomes too hard to maintain and 89% of guidos are on Social Security Disability by age 38 for fibromyalgia; the other 11% develop other forms of passive income.

Diet

It is a little known fact that guidos can't actually swallow anything more substantial than a maraschino cherry because of the constriction in their stomachs due to their overdeveloped abs. Therefore, their diet consists mainly of protein shakes, strange mixed cocktails, vitamin supplements (steroids), Heineken, and muscle relaxants. All their food shopping is done at either GNC or the local pharmacy, which is why you never see guidos in the supermarket.

Typical Guido Names (English)

Male

Ricardo
Anthony
Di'Angelo
Joey
Pauly
Frederico
Rrrrrricoooooo
Teves
Scolari
Raffael/Rafaello
Juan
Juande
Ramos
Christiano
Roy
Ronaldo
Pizarro
Ronaldinho
Fredicini
Linguine
Martini
Bikini

How to Recognize a Guido

Blowout haircut, permanently heavily gelled. Touching their hair will not only throw them into a blind rage, but also leave you wiping off gel for at least 5 minutes.
Diamond earrings and other absurdly priced designer jewelery. Used to attract other men.
Tanned to the point of almost being black.
Tight shirts to show off their steroid induced muscles.
A cross around their neck (probably also with diamonds). All guidos are very religious. If this isn't enough proof that they're a religious bunch, notice their excessive cursing, drinking, and talking about their huge dicks.
When someone is about to take a picture of a guido, they automatically tilt their head and make a kissy face. They don't do this on purpose, it's a natural reaction to the camera. Only 2-3 guidos in the history of time have been exceptions to this rule. Experts suggest that they may have been part of a top secret experiment trying to turn them back into normal humans.(Efforts to reintegrate these douchebags to society have been a complete failure since and scientists are now considering mass extermination as one of the few vaible options of fixin the problem that are Guidos once and for all.)
Doing some retarded mating dance to attract guidettes. The dance is named obviously Guido Frolic which is most likely paired with shitty "Italian" techno music.

How to confuse a Guido

Greet him with "Howdy" instead of "eYOOO!" or "Fuck!".
Switch out his Axe spray with PAM.
Spray Versace Essence Ethereal in the tailpipe of his H2.
Replace his hair gel with tiger balm.
Give him a tank top that fits him.
Cut off all the collars on his polos.
Tell him that the table salt at the club is really cocaine.
Ask him which rockstar he's partying as.
Color in the rest of his beard with sharpie while he's passed out/dead.
Replace his anabolic roids with estrogen.
Pull out and cum on his face instead of blowing your load in his ass.

Gallery El Guido

Famous for all the wrong reasons.	It's spreading...		A rare Azn Guido
Guido line of fail	The future of United States Naval Aviation

	Guido Chinbeard		King Pasquali IV

The European version.		Danny from the Netherlands	new form of child abuse.
Goronchev? Sorry, too bald.	This is how Guidos look in Britain	zomg korean guido?	Habbo form guido.
Anime form guido.	Who's up for some Date Rape?	Notice how the guidos look exactly the same.

Famous Guidos

Guidos are the pinnacle of heterosexuality.

Paulie "Cash-Man" Carbone
Daniele Fiorenza
Gordon
Stallone
John Gotti's Family
That Bijan Guy
Joey Fatone
Every porn star since the mid-eighties
Lee Hotti (MarlboroMan)
Nic Longo (the guido of greenwich)
Andrew "Dice" Clay (actually a jew)
Clyde Cash
Vince from ShamWow
Johntm
You
Your Mom

French Guidos

Similar to stylas and otherwise known as 'Racaille'. You can only tell Racaille and Guidos apart because Racaille think it's cool to shave tribal designs and words into the back of their permanently gelled up hair. Keep in mind that Racaille are the most chicken shit sub-breed of Guido around and they will rarely ever take anyone up on a proposed fight unless there are ~~fifty~~ over 9000 of them and one of you. Everything before this is however bullshit, as Racailles are french nigras, sand nigras & wigras who act gangsta, for shizzle.