Jack Thompson

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

HOLY SHIT JACK THOMPSON FOUND GUILTY ON 27 MISCONDUCT CHARGES AND RECOMMENDED FOR PERMANENT DISBARMENT

“	ALL VIDEO GAMES ARE KILLING SIMULATORS!!!!1!ONE!NINE-ELEVEN!!11!	„
—Jack Thompson

Banned Town Software Development Group implements a new first-person shooter in which one has a BBQzooka to blow away monsters and teammates.

A senile old cum fart of a lawyer, Concerned Mother, and overall suck-a-fuck who comes from Florida, therefore loves teh Lemonparty. His son was allegedly pwned by a guy with a bat, but eneryone knows that this is just how Jack trolls IRL. He claims that his son's pwner was someone so retarded that they needed to play GTA 3 in order to learn how to kill someone with a baseball bat, even though everyone learned how to do this in gym class in grade school. Jack didn't notice because he was too busy passing notes to Janet Reno. Rambles on about how GTA is bad for kids but has never touched a computer in his life, and is incapable of operating anything more technologically advanced than his dildo. He loves to start shit about videogames and then complain when people tell him he's a fucktard and then threatens to sue using his magical e-lawyer powers. When at home, he enjoys dressing up in his mom's old clothes and getting raped by old men.

[edit] Jack Thompson Today

Jack Thompson usually kills people who disagree with him, if suing them 13 times in a row fails. Jack Thompson has killed in the past:

Ronald Reagan
his parents
his grandparents
his children (who he walked in on watching "The Omen", his childhood biography. He killed them right then and there)
the guy who invented thongs
hundreds of people who play Halo
priests
other attorneys
Moms who let their kids watch Power Rangers
MILFS
Otakus ( Justified )
Clowns
babies that cry within 50 feet of him
Psychiatrists
Anything without a penis
Anyone who played GTA
Rockstars
Me. He shot my fucking BALLS. MY BALLS

Jack Thompson has been known to deprive people of property, injure people by any means, trick, sue, lie, rape or destroy people.

When not fielding calls from incredulous members of the gamer, or pixelante, community, Jack likes to relax by eating puppies, molesting Japanese schoolgirls, and masturbating to his son's gay porn. Like all people in Florida, he is most likely a filthy internet racist.

Has had recent stints in the online community, like getting pwned by Penny Arcade, VG Cats and other online comics. He actually tried to get the Penny Arcaders arrested, but since he isn't an internet lawyer, he couldn't get the job done. He instead went on a killing spree, snorting cocaine off of a dead prostitute like in that book he read once.

Jack Thompson recently threatened our brother to the south, Wikipedia. Wikipedia gave in like the pussies they are and posted information Jack "Attack" Thompson felt was credible. This is a good example of Jack being the douchebag he is; when he isn't killing Keebler Elves, he's attacking pussies and their websites. We here feel bad that Wikipedia allowed Mr. Thompson to ram his 3 inch penis into their ass until they submitted. Not really.

When he isn't suing, or raping his grandmother, Jack likes to get on public TV and get into fights with other douchebags like Adam Sessler from G4 TV. The argument lasted several days, filled with yelling, punching, screaming, biting, and hot sex. Adam Sessler and Jack Thompson still see each other every Friday when their parents leave, and shake the sheets with their rumble in the jungle.

It's also worth noting that Jack "Osama bin Laden-was-trained-using-Duck-Hunt-on-Nintendo-and-people-only-kill-if-they-are-Halo-nerdz" Thompson enjoys helping young Catholic boys protest video games and showing them other ways to have fun without the video games when the lights are off.

[edit] Dislikes

Video games
anime because he often confuses it with video games
his childhood memories
Crash McCloud
You
Me
Video games
Black People
Judges
Parents
Puppies
Encyclopedia Dramatica
Encyclopedias (Will sue if the encyclopedias don't have definitions he agrees with)
Internet
Video games
Light
Garlic
Babies
Your mom
Video games
The word "dislike"
Being sued for being a dumbass
Movies
Music
Humanity
Rap
Penny Aracade for being cooler than him and donating money to charities when he didn't. He cried all night.
Puppies
Janet Reno
Being from Florida
anyone who will not give him asian buttsecks
Video games
Video games
Video games

[edit] Making Jack Thompson cry

Here are some fun things you can do to make Jack Thompson cry.

[edit] Contact the Florida Bar Association

~~Jack Thompson probably wants to keep his job. Lots of people don't want him to keep his job. And frankly, Jack Thompson is HORRIBLE at his job.~~

SUCCESS!! The Florida State Bar is looking to banhammer Jack from practicing law for ~~AT LEAST 10~~ FOREVAR. When told the news, a butthurt Jack turned around and sued the Bar Association. That's right, he sued a bunch of lawyers.

[edit] Mention his Failures

Ask about his crusade against The Sims 2 or how his video game is selling.

[edit] Sleep with his family members

Warning: You may have to consume near fatal amounts of alcohol to achieve this goal.

[edit] Have him Committed

Mental institutes are no fun place to spend your golden years.

[edit] Send him Flowers

I hear he likes roses.

[edit] Take the Quiz

How well do YOU know Jack Thompson? [1]

[edit] Make him run away

Note: This might be too easy.

[edit] Get him angry

Tell Jack a compliment

[edit] Have a laugh

Ask Jack to say a sentence

[edit] Jack vs. Penny Arcade

Last Thursday Jack decided to make a bet with everyone saying, "make a video game where other people kill you." He liked that idea so much, he went home and had sex with several prostitutes. Then some people actually MADE the game. Jack promptly dialed 1-800-Waaaambulance because he now had to give $10,000 to charities for retarded babies. Jack then announced "Fuck you, I'm a dragon and I'm giving the money away to Mexicans."

Penny Arcade heard this, went to Jack's house and laughed at the pathetic excuse for humanity for a good half-hour. They then donated $10,000 to the charities Jack screwed over for a couple of cheap, wetback floozies. Jack then threatened to sue Penny Arcade to get his man-hood back. He never did (because Jews stole his foreskin to power their gigantic robot god). This was the first time in at least 100 years that Penny Arcade has done anything useful or remotely lulzy and will most probably be the last.

[edit] Virginia tech shooting

On April 16, 2007, douchebag extraordinar Jack Fagson appeared on CNN. Why CNN thought a christfag lawyer would have anything usefull to contribute to a serious discussion about a school shooting is unknown. Before the shooter had even been identified, Thompson knew the shooter played violent video games because only people who play violent video games shoot other people. It turned out that Cho Seung-Hui was, in fact, not teh harcorez, but did play Couter-Strike when he was in high school: four years before the shootings. According to Fagson, this means he was correct. Actually, at the time of the shooting Cho was into Sonic the fucking Hedgehog, srsly.

[edit] Jack Thompson Sends Gay Porn with a Court Filing

Jack Thompson moved up from his status of insane, to absolutely fucking batshit insane when he filed a document to U.S. District Court Judge Adalberto Jordan, including several photos of hardcore gay sex. Why would anyone do this, you ask? Thompson was throwing a hissy fit because Norm Kent, a criminal defense attorney from Fort Lauderdale who also publishes the National Gay News, sent a court filing for “distribution of hardcore porn to anyone of any age,” which Thompson thought was too crazy. The hardcore gay buttsecks photos actually came from sponsors of the National Gay News website, and apparently Thompson thought the best way to prove hardcore gay porn shouldn't be available to everyone, was to send a load of it to the judge presiding over the case.

“	Through his actions, Mr. Thompson made available for unlimited public viewing, on the court’s docketing system, these graphic images.	„
—Judge Adalberto Jordan, discussing how Thompson put gay porn on a government owned website

This isn't the first time the dumbass has done this either. On separate occasions, Thompson put inappropriate and pornographic images on his own petitions which were completely unrelated to his actual argument. Ever ready to become a martyr, Thompson said he is prepared to face jail time for doing this, and compared himself to Paul Revere, saying that holding him in contempt "for alerting the federal court system to the criminal activity... is akin to arresting Paul Revere, in 1775, for 'disturbing the peace' with his midnight ride..." Now, because Thompson likes putting gay sex photos on his legal documents, he faces professional misconduct charges from the Florida Bar, and could have his license to practice law taken away.

“	I’m not the one in trouble. The judge found a certain lawyer’s material obscene. I absolutely love it. This is the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time. Check my [case] filings, sweetie.	„
—Jack Thompson, talking to GamePolitics.com

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!!

[edit] Jack Thompson Signs GTA 3, Sold On eBay

On January 1st, a copy of GTA 3, signed by Thompson, appeared on eBay. However, it's $4,000 dollars so no-one is going to fucking buy it, even if it is for charity.

The auction.

[edit] What Does The Future Hold?

After writing a wonderfully fail letter to Strauss Zelnick's mother trying to reason with her on a moral level, the future is uncertain for Jack Thompson. All that is currently known is that he now resides somewhere in the region of a grue. Hopefully.