Our pal Rick Astley is up for the MTV Europe award for BEST ACT EVAR! You can help by voting here, digging this and signing this petition.

God

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

(Redirected from Jeebus)

Jump to: navigation, search

Proof of God's existence.

God (aka Douglas Adams) is the protagonist of the Bible, a book which has somehow sold moar copies than Harry Potter, making it the most successful work of fiction evar. The Bible, the chronology of God's Adventures, is a volume of pornography, rape, incest, and other sorts of epic win. It is believed that God created the universe with no other reason than to play a game of The Sims against Satan.

“	God is the oldest Rick Roll	„
—by Anonymous

1 The Advent of the Internets
2 God's Many Forms
3 The Gender of God
4 His Views on Sex
5 Criticism
6 Proof A Benevolent God Does Not Exist
7 Proof A Benevolent God Does Exist
8 People God will smite when the end of the internets happens
9 Gallery
10 External Links

[edit] The Advent of the Internets

Protect your kiddies. lol

God created the internets last Thursday in a moment of great brilliance, and here is the inspiring tale:

1. In the beginning, God created the lulz and the internets. The internets were without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the camwhore: and the spirit of God destroyed Oclet's liver.
2. And God said LET THERE BE LIGHT. And there was light. And God saw that the light was good, for the Light was too bright, and prevented even him from seeing the fat of the Camwhore.
3. And God created a firmament in the midst of the internets, to divide the internets from the internets; and He called the firmament Usenet.
4. And God said, "Let all the failures of the internet be gathered together into one place, and let them spam that place relentlessly." And it was so, and 4chan was born.
5. And God said, "Let forums multiply, and be fruitful, and fill the internets with their drama." And it was so.
6. And God said, "Let all manner of fucktards write on Livejournal; and let them multiply, and be fruitful." And fucktards came forth in all manner of communities, and warred with each other relentlessly; and lo, some multiplied, and others didn't, according to their kinds.
7. And God saw that it was funny, and lo! He lolled.
8. Then God said "Let us create a Wiki on the Internet; And let it catalog Drama, so that those who are not all-knowing may attain enlightenment; and let them lol.
9. So God created Encyclopedia Dramatica for his own amusement, and created Dramacrats to maintain it; funny and ironic He created them. And God said to the Dramacrats, "Lo! I have given you the internets; multiply with captchas, and fill the internets and catalog it, and you shall have knowledge of every faggot and every furry on the interweb for major lulz.
10. And God saw everything that He had made, and He laughed at furries and smote them mightily.
11. He also smote the Jews, for they killed his son.

[edit] God's Many Forms

According to Christians, God exists in Trinity, which means that he has multiple personality disorder. His three personalities are:

The Father

This is the coolest version of God. The Father smites people and pwns them in the ass for pretty much anything, from homosexuality to being of the wrong race.

The Son

This version of God is a raging faggot who took it up the ass from rubberduc. Strongly noted for his ability to turn water into santorum and for getting nailed to a cross <-- LOL.

The Holy Ghost

This version of God allows God to watch everyone in the fucking world at once., so it is assumed that his current incarnation is Ceiling Cat. Kind of like Santa.

God, as worshiped by the English.	God, as worshiped by forum trolls.	God, as worshiped by Wisconsinites.	God, as worshiped by technology.
God, as worshiped by the Jews.	God, as worshiped by the Jews, as seen in Lego Star Wars.	The Muslim prophet, Muhammad.	God, as worshiped by the Asians.
God, as worshiped by atheists.	God, as worshiped by Blacks.	God, as worshiped by Republicans.	God, as worshiped by Furries.
God, as worshiped by emo kids.	God, as worshiped by agnostics.	God, as worshiped by fat people.	God as worshiped by Scientologists and Jews.
The God worshiped by Legacy Universe.	God loved rainbows before fags took them

[edit] The Gender of God

Proof that God is a man.

In recent times, feminists have argued that God is a female. This is not true and is most likely due to feminists being jealous of his vagina tearing large penis. Any feminist who suggests God is female should be dealt with according to biblical policy.

[edit] His Views on Sex

Like everything in the Bible, the issue of sex contradicts inself.

Anything is Allowed

God is, in fact, a sick fuck. He believes that if you are married and both consent, then pretty much anything can go on between the two of you and it's awwwwwright. Turns out he really has no problem with incest either, since Adam and Eve obviously had to have sex with their kids to populate the earth.

At least 100 years ago, in response to pressure from the heathens his missionaries were trying to convert, he began to advocate other kinds of sexual acts like buttsex and Bukkake. Many Christians still fear anal, and some are quite sure God was on peyote when he invented pegging. However, fucking pies is still fair game.

Song 2:3, "Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste."

Song 4:16, "Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance. Let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!"

Nothing is Allowed

Without 2000 years of morality ground into us, nobody would think twice about incest and bestiality being wrong. The things you cannot have sex with include:

Animals
Members of your own family - including adopted and stepfamilies
Kiddies
Anyone outside of marriage - i.e. hookers, adultery, your 'open-minded' friends etc.
Anyone before marriage
Members of your own gender
Masturbation is also a no-no
So is porn
Even thinking about it is not allowed
Actually sexuality is a sin no matter what. Seriously. Look up St. Augustine

The idea that sex is always bad outweights the idea that sex is always good. Unless like Chris Crocker you'd rather die of AIDS than a lack of sex.

[edit] Criticism

People believe that due to the fact that God is omnipotent and never dies, that he haxorz life. Due to this, several people have tried, but failed, to ban God, and are now known as Jews.

God is not a virgin, though he once was. He lost his virginity while buttsecksing your mom, therefore popping her butt cherry.

There are many different schools of God fanboiz, each of them known as a religion. Religions include Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and some other shit that nobody cares about.

[edit] Proof A Benevolent God Does Not Exist

If God were to be decisively proven not to exist, it would end all all arguments ever, and self-righteous atheists all over the world would simultaneously reach orgasm in their parents' basements. Proof of a benevolent God not existing:

[edit] Proof A Benevolent God Does Exist

Advice Dog
Fursecution
Homophobia
Most of Lynyrd Skynyrd died in a plane crash
Your dead friend talks to you when you're alone
Encyclopedia Dramatica

OOBE

“	A vivid account of the other side after an out of body experience. Author JSandler48 '	„

[edit] People God will smite when the end of the internets happens

Scientologists

After L. Ron Hubbard got to have sex with sluts and Jesus didn't he fly into a rage and was so going to throw the thunderbolts, but the Hubbard threatened to unleash Lord Xenu on him and he got scared.

Mormons

Turned their backs on multiple wives, now there's less orgies for God to watch.

[edit] Gallery

The one true God.	God is in ur head killin ur dreemz.	Jehovah battles some Nazis.	God the action figure.
Kenneth Eng. God of the universe.	Rape by Furry = Pwned by God	teh power of god!!1	God, as worshiped by gay people.
God, as worshiped by the Viet Cong.	God, as worshiped by the Nazis.	Ted Jesus Christ God [1]	Also: God loves Goatse.
God: He's calling you nigger.	God: He just loves little kids.	God: He was programmed to take it for your sins.	God finally comes out and proves He exists.
God does it for the lulz.		No, God does not love you.	Beware nonbelievers, as God will smite you all with his holy powers!
proof that Jesus is a pedophile		Gods a CHARGIN HIS LAZER!!!!	God fails against free will