Christian
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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A Christian is a special kind of zealous Yahweh fanboy or fangirl. Christians are unique in that they have a sexual obsession with a Jew who lived roughly 2000 years ago named Jesus Christ. They are well known for rejecting science in all its forms and ironically, themselves serve as proof that there is no intelligent design. They believe there is a vast secular conspiracy to exterminate their ilk by not forcing kids to pray to their deity and taking the word "God" off of coins. The next logical step would be to feed them all to lions. They will accuse YOU of hating Jesus. Why do you hate Jesus?
Christ fandom is one of the oldest, with a history that spans continents and centuries. To suggest to a fundamentalist (hardcore) Christian that the Bible is poorly-written fiction will probably result in you being burnt at the stake. Christians, like furries, are often very defensive about their degeneracy.
The most important day of the year for Christians is Easter, when, as legend would have it, Jesus Christ burst forth from a giant chocolate egg to save you from your sins. The second most important day of the year is Christmas, where Jesus gained 200 pounds in a matter of days (à la Tim Allen in that shitty movie) and then murdered the first born sons of all the heathens Moses-style.
Christians follow a religion that was created by the Jews to serve Jewish purposes. Basically, the Jews convinced half of the world to worship their evil tribal god YHWH, and even to worship a batshit crazy kike named Jesus as "God in human form". Subconsciously this affects Christians in a severe way, causing them to associate the Jews closely with God, which has allowed the Jews, always a clever lot, to control societies for ages.
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History
According to the Bible, in 1 B.C.E. Jesus of Nazareth✡ was born in Israel to an unmarried sand nigger couple: a carpenter and a 14-year-old girl who had a taste of the God Rod. He was born in a barn surrounded by animals because his parents were poor as shit. He was an asshole growing up, running away from his parents to heal lepers and drink wine in temples with hobos. Jesus always said crazy shit and told everyone that God told him to say it.
When he was older, lots of people liked him and invited him to their parties because he could (allegedly) turn water into wine and make bread and fish appear out of nowhere. He also (allegedly) made people come back from the dead and ruined everyone's fun by healing aspies and everyone else that had mental disorders and made them normal members of society.
Eventually, people got pissed off at him for ruining their fun and using shitty box wine. Seeing the opportunity, Karl Rove advised Pontius Pilate on how to murder Jesus and become the leader of Israel, which at that point was owned by Rome. Eventually, in 33 C.E. Jesus was (allegedly) killed, even though he came back to life three days later. Jews were just as power/money-hungry in 33 C.E. as they are now, so they told everyone that Jesus died for his followers and anyone who did everything "Jesus" said could go to heaven. They also made up stories and told people Jesus said them, then they wrote them in 66 different books that collectively make up The Holy Bible. People actually believed this shit, and thus, Christianity was born.
Beliefs
Christian mythology revolves around a Gary Stu by the name of Jesus. Jesus was a Jewish carpenter who was born from a 16-year-old girl, who got knocked up after she was raped by an angel. After failing in his first job as a carpenter, Jesus became a magician, developed a huge fetish for BDSM, and became an hero for your sins.
As if this isn't ridiculous enough, Christians also believe that you must pray every day to his undead corpse to remove the evil from your soul that was put there by an all-loving God because a rib-woman ate an apple offered to her by a talking snake who was actually Satan. Seriously.
Christians will only argue about Christianity if you agree to four preconditions:
- All information in the Bible is true. No exceptions.
- Jesus eats your sins so that you can go to Skyland. No exceptions.
- There is one God and He is real (and male). No exceptions.
...therefore, Christianity is the one and only Truth. QED.
and remember, there is also a list of guidelines to attacking the book of Revalation:
- If any strange occurance listed in that book happened in any order remotely close to that written in Revalation, Jesus! the prophecy is being fufilled, REJOICE!
- If you are arguing that an occurance directly contradicted this book of divine vision, you must be reading it out of context.
- If you can prove that you're speaking in the proper context, and Revalation is still being contradicted, it must be in GOD'S CONTEXT.
- If the point is made multple times outside of the context it is written in for that particular phrase, it must be a parable.
- YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO QUESTION GOD'S WORD ANYWAY. All questions will be answered when the Hale-Bopp comet arrives, and takes us to the level above human
Disclaimer: Most christians probably couldn't read that anyway, as the KJV of the bible is beyond most of their vocabularies. See the watered down holy book in layman's terms here.The Holy Bible: TL;DR
Christians and Sex
Unlike certain other religions, Christianity isn't big on giving you prescriptions (what you can or should do). Rather, Christianity is all about the proscriptions (what you can't do under penalty of God-delivered lightning bolt) to the genitals. Leastwise one good thing can come out of fucking a Christian girl. They are more likely to have anal sex since they cannot have Vaginal sex until they are married.
Following the tenets of Christianity can't have sex with:
- Anyone outside of marriage.
- Animals. Which means furries can't be Christians. Even religion has its upsides.
- People of your own gender.
- Members of your own family. (Unless you are Lot's daughters and have booze Genesis 19: 30-39)
- A woman who is on her period.
- ...or even your own hand.
Ironically, pedophilia is never mentioned in the Bible as a form of sexual immorality.
Given these brutal restrictions, it is no surprise that sex scandals are common among the Christian aristocracy. The type of scandal varies by denomination:
- Protestants: Leave their wives to run off with teenage sluts.
- Evangelicals/Fundamentalists/Neoconservatives: Caught in gay sex scandals, despite being rampant homophobes. Example: Ted Haggard, busted for hiring and smoking meth with (but supposedly not having sex with) gay prostitutes.
- Catholics: It's not gay if he's under 13... right?
The Bible
The Bible is a boring space opera where God, an intergalactic tyrant, fucked everyone over who ever thought of crossing him in an effort to show them who wore the pants.
Despite his repeated ruination of mankind, he eventually grew tired of killing off nearly all of the population of which he created and forcing them to incestuously reproduce because he's such a nice guy. He does, however, hate fags. Just ask his favorite manslave, Fred Phelps.
All Christians are hardcore fans of the Bible and will literally stab you in the face if you do not immediately embrace their exact view of God. They reject basic scientific facts due to skepticism, yet in a stunning twist, they believe fucking everything written in any book labeled "The Bible", regardless of how unbelievable it is.
Ironically, that guy's name is southpaw
The Bible: Special Edition 2-disc Set
Most Christians are split between the canon original (aka Old Testament) and the fanfic (aka New Testament) and there is much debate as to which version is best. Clearly, you can trust Encyclopedia Dramatica to give you advice on such matters.
Old Testament
Starting from the beginning of all life as we know it, we learn of God and the mysterious ways of how he rolls. The majority of the Old Testament is made up of telling a lulzy world history that science would've made boring (one must admit, "And on the 3,749,158th day, the amorphous blob grew leg-like appendages" isn't very inspiring when framed and hung up on some redneck's wall). The lulz stem from whenever God, seeing that his creation is plagued with sinners and evil, decides to troll IRL. These included actions such as flooding the entire world, creating the concept of foreign languages just to confuse everybody, slaughtering innocent children, and destroying everyone and everything having anything to do with a city full of faggotry.
However, God has shown a kinder side, as that last act caused him to give a similar city a second chance by sending some self-righteous asshole to tell them to cut it out. They did, but this wasn't enough for the man. Miles away, the man commanded God to kill them anyway, hoping to lulz with God. The man waited for days, but God, feeling untrollish, ignored him, turning him into a weeping husk of a man. God let him die, leaving him and the world a message: "God is not your personal army." The rest of the Old Testament is pretty boring.
Basically, this half of The Bible is used as proof that evolution is wrong and anyone who disagrees is educated stupid (that MIT education of yours? FOUNDED ON LIES). It is also used by trolls taking the form of Christians to tell people that God is an abusive, alcoholic, vengeful son of a bitch. It is also the part of The Bible that Jews prefer. Not that it means anything.
Bible trivia:
Did you know that God thought the script was weak from the start? And therefore decided to kill off over 9000 characters in the first part, in a desperate measure to gain more readers?
New Testament
It's a bit like the Old Testament, but with 100% more Jesus, and a lot less of God's awesome wrath. Basically, Jesus goes around, impressing people with His ability to hack into reality (and put Goatse everywhere), sharing his wisdom and love for his children and flipping tables over. He also says the Old Testament should be ignored. Many claimed he was the only perfect man. Emphasis on "only", and for good reason: nobody could stand him. They couldn't take anymore of his anus perpetually crapping out divinity, so they nailed him to a tree. Shortly afterwards, the guy who grassed him up decided he'd gone too far, so he became an hero. Not much else happens, except for Armageddon, which involves Wal-Mart and demons using our heads as toilets (No, seriously).
This half of The Bible is the one more universally accepted as the shiny, happy, family-friendly version of God. As such, it was perfect material for a great, fun-for-the-whole-family movie, which would be called The Passion of the Christ. A three-hour guro flick, every God-fearing mother dragged their kids into seeing it, saying that the R-rating means that the material is a sensitive subject that is told in a manner that isn't sugar-coated, and is intended for persons mature enough to handle it (like their 6-year-old son). Despite this glimmer of intelligence, this logic is never, ever applied to any form of media unless it involves how great and superior Christianity is (The Godfather was a waste of celluloid).
Forms of Christianity
Baptist
Interchangeable with Evangelicalism, Baptist is a fundamentalist cult of Christianity that is generally associated with people who have three teeth and fuck their sisters; these people generally live in states such as Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and South Carolina. Unfortunately, Baptists are also located all over the United States and world.
Although a roaring success as a cult, there's practically nothing which all or even most Baptists can agree on that separates them from other types of Christianity, except thinking yelling "I'm saved" is the coolest thing ever. Their members are often known for their fascist political leanings and tendency to be profoundly moronic rednecks. Southern Baptists also often say that anyone who consumes alcohol is going to hell, which is total bullshit since half of the Bible is all about people getting drunk and fucking. They will stop at nothing to make sure YOU aren't having teh gay sexzorz, except when they are, in which case it's for the good of Jesus. Despite wanting to rape and pillage every intelligent thought outside of PRAY-AH, they've some how managed to stumble into politics to troll the gays as to keep them from prancing in fields and licking lollipops. Also, most Baptists <3 Jews which is just stupid. DON'T YOU PEOPLE GET IT! THE FUCKING KIKES DID WTC AND THEY'RE THE ONES WHO KILLED JESUS IN THE FIRST PLACE! AND THEY STILL TO THIS DAY LIE ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST, THEY DO NOT DESERVE OUR LOVE OR EVEN THE RIGHT TO LIVE, WE NEED TO MAKE THE HOLOCAUST REAL, WHO'S WITH ME???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HASSAN HASSAN!
| —Jerry Falwell, PREACHIN DA' BIBLE |
| —Pat Robertson telling the truth |
| —Pastor Ezekiel from Landoverbaptist.net |
Baptists control fucking everything from their Jesus-clad ivory towers in order to sell SALVATION and stomp angrily at whatever happens to offend them this week. They tend to alienate the entire nation by claiming AIDS, God's weapon of choice, is going to assrape everyone into loving Jesus. When not blaring their love of God on every TV, radio, and newspaper, they take to PREACHIN' TO DA MASSES. This usually varies from drowning people, punching them in the face, or raping eardrums through the power of extremely shitty music. The best preacher ever to be born is was Ted Haggard who warned the gay and drugged to lead a moral and just life.
Baptist services are generally characterized as cheerful and fun. There is usually a snake-handling session with some angry rattlers, plus some spontaneous cancer and paralysis cures. Oddly, while other Christians love it, Baptists think glossolalia (speaking in tongues) is the Devil's work. WTF?
A tradition that many Baptists have is to hate on Catholics because of slight differences in their Christian beliefs. They complain that Catholics don't read the Bible and are otherwise ignorant, but what they forget to mention is that only about 10% of Baptists have even graduated college. However, this still puts them way above Pentecostalists and Scientologists.
Catholicism
Cathlolics, or Cathyz as they are called OTI, are just as dumb as other Christians except they live in Pennsylvania and avoid modern devices such as indoor plumbing and electricity. Every year, the Catholic teenagers go to Rumspringa, a sort-of spiritual spring-break, where they get to commit crimes and suck cock without getting in trouble.
You can identify a Catholic girl by her willingness to let you stick your penis in any orifice but her vagoo.
| —Mother Teresa, using a double negative |
The organization which Catholics belong to (and typically know nothing about) is the Roman Catholic Church, located in the red light district of Rome. It was founded as the Nazi pedophile division no more than 99 years ago by Adolf Hitler himself. It quickly grew in numbers as child molesters joined the priesthood looking for a nice bit of loli. Today, it has branches all over the world and probably has one just round the corner from your home. You can drop the kids off there at any time!
The Uniform
| —Jim Goad, from The Catholic Schoolgirl Fetish... it's not just for pedophiles! |
Eastern Orthodoxy
This denomination had its heyday during the Dark Ages. It has largely been wiped out by a combination of Turks, Communism, and the Catholic Church.
Episcopalian
Episcopalians just use Jesus as an excuse to drink alcohol, which leads to all sorts of different interpretations of the Bible and which cocktail is right for which occasion.
Most of the other traits of the other Christian groups are not found with the Episcopalians since Episcopalians are typically not sober and have real shit to worry about. Episcopalians typically believe in evolution, sex, drinking, and all the other good fun shit the other Christians hate. This is because most Episcopalians are normal people who just want to make it look like they do the whole go to church thing since it looks good when they are trying to get a job or pick up women.
The typical Episcopal service on Sunday morning involves getting ready to drink at the end, followed by cocktails in the parish hall after. Then Episcopalians will have brunch where they will consume even more alcohol. By Sunday evening, they are usually passed out often in a stranger's bed, on the golf course, or are still drinking up a storm.
The majority of Episcopalians are OK with things like divorce, pre-marital sex and abortion, since when you are drunk most of the time these things can be frequent problems. Sex with priests something that both men and women can enjoy, since there are male and female priests, some of who are gay so everybody wins!
Fundamentalists
A brief synopsis of fundamentalists:
| —Fundamentalist, on how Christians should crash MOAR planes. |
| —Fundamentalist, regarding 5th graders fucking. |
| —Fundamentalist |
Fundies always claim to follow the Bible literally and exactly. They unabashedly state that rape and slavery - incredibly popular in the Old Testament, are no longer acceptable, based on the undeniable fact that the New Testament pushed the Old Testament into obsolescence. Trolling them is as easy as pointing to Matthew 5:17-20 :
Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses
Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the two weirdest offshoots of Christianity, best known for their constant pestering of everyone. Mormons believe that their church founder Joseph Mormon gained all the secrets of life by sucking on Jesus' penis in a vision in the 1800s and part of this knowledge was that all other Christians were DOING IT WRONG. He then got a visit from an angel called Moroni who said a chosen Jewish tribe had come to America two thousand years before Columbus and wrote a bunch of holy books and shit mainly chronicling how Jesus was an honorary American and told every Jew there to marry niggers and Native Americans so both could become white. (Silly Jesus, Jews aren't white!)
Jehovah's Witnesses believe Jesus died on a stake, that there is no Holy Trinity and they do not believe in Hell. Like all religions, they believe that they are the only people who will be helped by God into Paradise. However, Jehovah's also believe that the word of God is meant to be spread through whatever means possible, which means throwing Bibles at car window screens, refusing life-saving blood transfusions for vague reasons, worshiping in Kingdom Halls rather than Churches, knocking someones door every two hours, preaching the Bible for days in the rain to people who don't give a shit, being the Artist Formerly Known As Prince and generally being bat shit insane and annoying. Jehovah's and Mormons are generally exiled to states no one gives a shit about, like Utah or Montana.
Other Christians harbor a strong hatred for Jehovah's and Mormons and will claim they are oppressed by them as usual. Instead of the reason for hatred being because of their annoying and bat shit insane nature like normal people, Christians hate them for minor religious differences. A Christfag will scoff at the notion of Jesus dying on a stake instead of a cross or God being one being instead of three different ones within one (PREPOSTEROUS!!!). They will laugh at the belief of Jews coming to America despite their own belief that all humans (even niggers and azns) are descended from 1,500 year old Jewish tribes. Jehovah's in return hate other Christians a lot, especially Catholics, and will take a break from their preaching to vomit on a Catholic they sense in the vicinity and wail at them and follow them around calling them Satanic.
The Enemies of Christ
Christians and Jews
Like all good human beings, Christians hate Jews.
Since 1949, Christians have had a hell of a time trying resolve their hatred of Jews with their butt fucking love of Israel.
Most theorize that Christians are able to tolerate the Jews being in Israel because the only thing they hate moar than Jews are the Muslims, turning the whole situation into a "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" sort of deal. Actually, that's an Arab proverb. Fuck Arabs, and fuck that. It's probably just that they are confident that Jesus will return when the Temple of Solomon is rebuilt and kill all the Jews. So it's a small price to pay in the long run.
Christians and Atheists
People usually consider Christians and Atheists to be mortal enemies, where as this is really not true, as everybody knows Christians are immortal. When not calling each other names and burning each other alive, both sides come together in brotherhood to celebrate how much of a dickhead each other is for fighting and threatening medieval torture on each other. This usually ends in smex on both sides which is completely forgotten ten seconds later when they are impaling each other and showing their non-existent genitals to each other. This cycle usually continues on a weekly basis at local churches and emo cafes.
Christian Oppression
Christians make up around 84% of the United States, but still will always bitch and fucking moan about how oppressed they are. They are happy to shit over everybody else's viewpoints, but if you ever dare criticize Christianity, you will be accused of being "disrespectful". Example:
Typical Christian: Heathens! Hear the Word of God.
- All Jews are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
- All Muslims are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
Guy: Wait a minute, how are those religions any less valid than Christianity?
Christian: How dare you offend my sacred, deeply held beliefs! Stop oppressing me!
Guy: /facepalm
Christian: (in self-righteous-defiance of Guy)
- 'All Athiests are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
- All Agnostics are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
- All...
- All Agnostics are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
Micah Armstrong
Micah Armstrong is an insane ex-priest on par with Westboro Baptist Church in terms of unexplained craziness by followers. He and his fanbois travel to various events and college campuses uninvited to tell people why they're going to go to hell. According to Micah, you can go to hell for, smoking, drinking alcohol, playing the guitar, having a tattoo, girls showing any skin besides face, being blonde, being fat, cursing, kissing or holding hands before marriage, having sex with anyone other than your spouse or little boys, judging people, playing sports, being a woman, watching television, owning a pet, sinning and being any of the following religions at any point in one's life: Catholic, Jewish, Buddhist, Methodist, Protestant, Mormon, Muslim, Hindu, Agnostic or Atheist.
Trolling
Provided are pastas for trolling Christians:
In the name of Satan, ruler of Earth, the King of the world, the Chief of the Serfs, I command the forces of darkness to bestow their infernal power upon us. Save us, Lord Satan, from the treacherous and the violent. Oh Satan, Spirit of the Earth, God of Liberty, open wide the gates of Hell and come forth from the abyss by these names: Satan! Ba'al Zəbûb! Leviathan! Asmodeus! Abaddon!
Allahu akbar. Ashhadu 'an la ilaha illa-allah, wa ashhadu 'anna Muhammadan rasulu-llah.
Media
Although Christians believe everyone and everything related to media other than Sean Hannity is the world of the devil, the production of Christian media is at an all time high.
Christian Videos
Present-Day Crusades
Though it is thought that the Crusades were gone long ago, these true Christians, with the help of their Holy Megaphone, they are allowing no escape for open minded individuals.
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Emails to God
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Are Christians better than non-Christians?
This guy answers this long-debated question for you, Romans style!
Christian Gallery
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On the Internet
Drama-generating Techniques
- Question the Bible.
- Ask what year Jesus was born.
- Ask if he's a bastard child.
- Ask how many people were at his tomb.
- Ask why a crucified criminal was put in a tomb instead of a mass grave. Fun-fact if they can't answer: One of his followers paid for the tomb.
- Make note of their homophobia.
- Remind them of their latent homosexuality.
- Remind them if that they truly beleived in Jesus, they wouldn't argue about it.
- Ask why the talking snake is literal but Jesus' command to sell everything they own is metaphorical.
- Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of Einstein's views on religion.
- Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of Hitler's views on religion.
- Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of anything.
- Give unintelligent, poorly-researched explanations of everything.
- Ask if Cain and Abel had sex with each other or Eve to make more people.
- Point out that, based on the appearance of every other individual in the area he was born, Jesus was clearly either black or brown.
- Point at the gold cross dangling from their necklace and accuse them of worshipping a graven idol. (A golden one, no less!)
- Explain to them how they would worship an electric chair or a poison gas chamber if Jesus died 20 - 50 years ago.
- Say that Christians are tools of the Jewish-dominated Neoconservatives in control of the Republican Party.
- Say that Mary was likely only a technical virgin, considering that Jews circa 5 BCE were highly patriarchial.
- Say that Christianity is nothing but Judaism, version 2.0...
- ... and thus, Islam must be Judaism, version 3.0.
- Gently wipe the tears that begin pouring from their eyes.
- Proceed with fucking their virgin mothers.
- You can also place bibles from your local library or book store in the "fiction" section for added bonus.
- Make a point that Jesus had two fathers.
You can also send them one of these video's, for great justice
A scientist owns the living shit out of a preacher
Christianity LJ Community
Christianity is moderated by jjostm, ariston, and pould. This community is the home of much drama. Past graduates have included purelily, foxmagic, and Nathan Sheets. Once upon a time, butt sex used to be the prime object of discussion, but now all "love juice" questions are directed at christianitysex. Instead, the denizens of this community now get their holy mojo risin' via hilariously pseudo-nonchalant usage of Jewish and Hebrew terms, to make themselves sound more "authentic" or whatever.
This group is especially useful for those who suspect themselves of being damned. A quick listing of your sins will result in helpful feedback indicating not only which circle of hell you will suffer in for all eternity, but whether your assigned demons will use pitchforks or cattle prods.
The group is able to offer this service through member myprophet, who has announced she is God's appointed voice on Earth. The Pope denies this, saying he is God's appointed voice on Earth. George W. Bush says they are both crazy blasphemers, and he is God's appointed voice on Earth. Attempts to settle the issue through a walk-that-water challenge have as yet been unsuccessful due to scheduling difficulties, however God is quoted as saying "Jesus fucking Christ, I don't know why I bother."
See Also
- Christian Boy Love Forum
- Rapture
- Fundamentalist
- Christian Teen Forums
- Christian furry
- Good person test
- Way of the master
Epithets
People
- Abigaille
- Chris Forcand
- John Hagee
- Kerney Thomas
- Danilee3240
- Fred Phelps (of God hates fags fame)
- Nghtmrchld26
- Neal Horsley
- RejectedDreams
- Sherry Shriner
- Tony Alamo
- Tony48219 - A psychotic fundamentalist YouTuber who murdered a fellow student.
- Xiao-Feng-Fury
- Joshu2uber
External Links
- Fundies Say The Darndest Things! - A lulzy website that aggregates hilarious quotes (almost 29,000 as of March 2009) posted by fundies all over the net
- Theology Online - "Truthsmackin' for God"
- Yourgoingtohell.com - Christians are known for their impeccable grammar
- Biblical Research Center - The unholy lovechild of Christian fundamentalism and science
- Army of God - A Christian terrorist group just asking to be V&
- 20 Reasons to Abandon Christianity
- Homosexuality and witchcraft in schools - Oh my!
- God Hates Star Wars and Lord of the Rings!
- This blog is made of pure fail and AIDS.
- Why Jesus Really Came to Earth -- with stupid responses from a Christard
- Some Christard thinks that comic book superheroes and Pokemon are works of the devil
- Christian school principal loves lolis
- Use to troll christfags
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| Christian is part of a series on Cults. |
