Jew
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Jews, also known as kikes, hebes, hymies, yids, gold niggers, oven magnets, hook noses, sheenies, swindlers, criminals, "firewood", and Arabs in denial are a subhuman species of reptilian extra-terrestrials and adherents to one of the world's oldest major religions, called "Judaism", otherwise known as "The Worship of Money" or "Eating Arab Babies".
Judaism was the world's first master race theory. The Jew religion teaches that Jews are the Chosen People of God and that there is a sacred mystical quality to Jew DNA. In olden times, Jew prophets would, under the command of YHWH, frequently lead the Jews on genocidal rampages against neighboring populations and even today Jew leaders often cite Jewish religious ideals to justify their ongoing genocide of sandniggers. Judaism ironically found its mirror-image inversion in the anti-Jew Aryan racialism of the Nazis.
Despite only being 0.22% of the world's population, Jews control 99% of the world's money. Not only do the Jews control the world, but also the media, the banks, the space program, and LiveJournal's porn communities and Gay communities. All Jews possess the following features: an extremely large nose, fake boobs, curly hair that reeks of faggotry, one of those gay hats, a love of coke, a law practice, a roll of money, a small cock, or shitty taste in dental hygiene.
Jews invented both Communism and Capitalism. Karl Marx, of course, was a Jew, which was why he understood money so well, and in fact he was converted to Communism by another Jew, Moses Hess, the actual founder of Zionism, who ghost-wrote Marx's The German Ideology. Capitalism was created when Christian Europeans threw away their morals and decided to embrace Jewish practices like usury (see: John Calvin). Jews were the first group to create a sophisticated banking system, which they used to fund the Crusades in order to pit Christians and Muslims (both adhering to religions derived from and controlled by Jews) against each other to kill as many people as possible in a macabre human sacrifice to YHWH.
The Jew banking system was based on fraud and lies, so when it inevitably collapsed, the Jews just pwned as many people as possible by unleashing the Black Plague on them. Later, Jews economically controlled medieval Venice (the first modern maritime trade empire), and then crypto-Jewish merchants economically controlled the Spanish Empire, including the slave trade. Openly Jewish bankers orchestrated the Dutch Empire and founded Jew Amsterdam (later Jew York). Later the Dutch Jews moved to London because they thought it would be a better base for a global empire, and actually brought a Dutch nobleman, William III, with them, who they installed in a coup d'état (more like Jew d'état, amirite?) as new King of the British Empire. For hundreds of years, Jewish bankers controlled global trade through their bases in Jew York City and London.
Jews also enjoy slicing up baby penises for fun, some even enjoy sucking them. See below.
Jews also created Jew search engine Google, so now they can find all Jew information on Internets.
Some suggest that we should use Jews instead of dogs to sniff out large amounts of concealed cash or anything else worth smuggling at airports due to their sensitive Jew noses. Obviously, this is a horrible idea, because the pay is bad, and the dirty Kikes would probably form a union and demand moar money, thus increasing the burden on taxpayers everywhere.
Contents
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History
Jews have always existed, from the beginning of time. When the first neanderthal crawled off his haunches and walked on two legs, there was already someone named Goldblatt walking up to sell him life insurance.
The Jews were summoned from Hell by the evil sorcerer named Abraham, who used them for profit. They were then captured by Egyptians who saw this massive profit and wanted in on it. The Jews then bred the super-Jew, Moses which kicked some crocodile ass and then took over the whole of Egypt land until the Jews decided to use him to escape to Israel (or wherever the fuck it is that they go). Some time later, Hitler lost a bet with the Jews and had to give them all of Germany's gold which they used to make saunas in Poland. Though being the cheapass, gold-whoring bitches they are they cut corners and ended up using Zyklon B instead of water and accidentally pwned a couple hundred thousand Jews by 1945.
There are currently roughly a few million Jews worldwide, of which 90 percent live either in Florida; the Wedgwood neighborhood in Seattle; the Upper West Side of New York City (also referred to as "Jew York City" and "Hymietown"); and of course Northern Long Island, where they raise baby Jews on their golf courses (see also: Great Neck). Most are involved with the Illuminati in a conspiracy to spread international faggotry, thus they are responsible for every major war. It is rumored that the Jews, in fact, have penetrated the Freemasons and control them directly, using their influence to control American politics by proxy.
Jews are also known to troll for money. Most of a Jew's features are made due to the fact that Jews are greedy. If you care enough to look at a jew's nose, it is insanley large. This is due to the fact that air is free. If you see anyone diving for, staring at, or rubbing money, they are Jews and be sure to let them know.
Jews are also known for their breeding habits, and produce large amounts of Jew spawn on a scale inferior only to the Catholics. Jews often rape their sisters and expect some welfare from it as well. They have one of the highest reproduction rates in the animal kingdom, which zoologists believe may be due to their large number of natural predators, e.g. every group of Arabs neighboring Israel. There are some, however, who speculate that modern condoms are simply too large for their teeny tiny cocks and that contraception should be adapted as to accommodate our poorly-endowed friends.
The Holocaust
What holocaust...?
Jewish Slashfic
The Jews wrote some of the oldest winger's fanfic still in existence, which is alternately called the "Old Testament" and the "Tanakh". Based on these writings, they obviously hate homosexuals. Sometimes as psychotic, violent and convoluted as a Shaw Brothers/Tarantino collaboration, the Old Testament is filled with acts of naked misogyny that would make any feminist instantly livid, as well as multiple counts of mass murder and homophobia akin to that of their future Teuton oppressors, partially redeeming this otherwise Messiah-denying lot of hook-nosed bean counters. Also, unleavened bread consumption, hallucinating burning vegetation, daring HJIC Abraham to knock up some Egyptian harlot to create Israel's future "enemy"...the Jew Testament is full of hours of family-safe drama and lulz.
Talmud
This is what Jews actually believe:
- Menahoth 43b-44a: A Jewish man is obligated to say the following prayer every day: Thank you God for not making me a Gentile, a woman or a slave.
- Baba Mezia 114a-114b: Non-Jews are not human. Only Jews are human ("Only ye are designated men").
- Baba Mezia 24a, Sanhedrin 57a Baba Kamma 113a: Jews may lie to, steal from, kill and rob non-Jews.
- Rosh Hashanah 17a: Christians and others who reject the Talmud will go to Hell and be punished there for all generations.
- Sanhedrin 55b: A Jewish man may marry a three year old girl. (Specifically, three years "and a day" old).
- Kethuboth 11b: When a older Jew has intercourse with a girl it is nothing because her virginity will grow back.
- Gittin 70a: The Rabbis taught: "On coming from a privy (outdoor toilet) a man should not have sexual intercourse till he has waited long enough to walk half a mile, because the demon of the privy is with him for that time; if he does, his children will be epileptic."
The Jewish circumcision ritual is the cutting of the male foreskin, symbolizing the the JewGod's fetish for knives and baby penis. It is usually done by a "mohel", a rabbi trained in circumcision. Hasidic and some other Jews use a mohel who uses his mouth to suck the blood from the wound on the penis caused by cutting off the baby's foreskin.
Sometimes this even spreads STDs. (Seriously!)
A Bris is a Jewparty where the entire family gets to watch the baby penis get attacked by hungry mohel while he slice n' dices their newborn infant's genitals. Most Jews get so excited and ravenous at the smell of baby penis blood that it turns into a feeding frenzy, generally nothing capable of being ingested survives this. Including the foreskin of the aforementioned victim.
Who Is a Jew?
Der Giftpilz by Julius Streicher.
Things are lively in Mr. Birkmann's 7th grade boys' class today. The teacher is talking about the Jew. The boys are fascinated.
"It is noon," he says. "We should summarize what we have learned in the past hour. What have we talked about?" All the children raise their hands. The teacher calls on Karl Scholz, a small lad in the front row. "We have talked about how to recognize the Jew."
"Good. Say more!"
Little Karl reaches for the pointer, steps up to the board and points at the drawings.
One can most easily tell a Jew by his nose. The Jew nose is bent at its point. It looks like the number six. We call it the Jew six. Many Aryans also have bent noses. But their noses bend upwards, not downwards. Such a nose is an eagle nose.
"Right!" says the teacher. "But the nose is not the only way to recognize a Jew..."
One can also recognize a Jew by his lips. His lips are usually puffy. The lower lip often protrudes. Jew eyelids are mostly thicker and more fleshy than ours. One can tell from his eyes that he is a deceitful person.
The teacher calls on another lad. He is Fritz Müller, and is the best in the class:
Jew are usually small to mid-sized. They have short legs. Their arms are often short, too. Many Jew are bow-legged and flat-footed. They often have a low, slanting forehead, a receding forehead. Many criminals have such a receding forehead. The Jew are criminals too. Their hair is usually dark and often curly like a nigger's. Their ears are very large, and they look like the handles of a coffee cup.
The teacher turns to the students.
"Pay attention, children. Why does Fritz say 'many Jew have bow legs', or 'they often have receding foreheads,' or 'their hair is usually dark'?"
Heinrich Schmidt, a large, strong boy in the last row speaks:
Every Jew does not have these characteristics. Some do not have a proper Jew nose, but have Jew ears. Some do not have flat feet, but Jew eyes. There are even some Jew with blond hair. But when one looks carefully, one can always tell it is a Jew.
"Very good," the teacher says. "And now tell me about other ways to tell Jew from Aryan. Richard, come up here!"
Richard Krause, a smiling blond lad, goes to the board. He says:
One can recognize a Jew from his behavior. The Jew moves his head back and forth. His gait is shuffling and unsteady. The Jew moves his hands when he talks. He "jabbers." His voice is often odd. He talks through his nose. Jews often have an unpleasant sweetish odor. If you have a good nose, you can smell the Jew.
The Jews Did...
Jews Did Vietnam
One of the now-well established and undeniable facts of human history is that the Jews did, in fact, lure their puppet Americunts into the Vietnam War. The expert consensus can be summarized as follows:
Almost twenty years after pulling off the biggest global fraud in human history and now well established in their own militaristic country (stolen from the poor and innocent Arab inhabitants), Jews decided once again that they were not satisfied with being the richest and most powerful group of individuals on the planet, and proceeded to begin constructing their usual international con scheme to gain more money and power(as they do every 15 years or so).
Quickly and systematically, they took over two big Cabinet positions in the Kennedy administration (Abraham Ribicoff and Arthur Goldberg), which they were able to acquire pretty easily because of the fact that they owned the Federal Reserve. They proceeded to fool JFK into ramping up imperial efforts in Vietnam. This decision, and the war that resulted from it, immediately created an abundant source for importing South East Asian opium into the United States, where it could be picked up by the Zionist mafia. The war also simultaneously distracted the Americunts away from the actions of Israel, who were busy furthering their illegal expansion into Palestine.
The problem was that, when JFK, who was far smarter than any of his 20th century predecessors, realized this disgusting conspiracy, he began moving to remove American troops from Vietnam. Desperate and angry, the Jewish machine in America moved fast. They recruited the aid of old boy NWO factions to remove JFK from office. Thusly, they, together, orchestrated the infamous assassination of the president, removing him from office and bringing a Zionist sympathizer (LBJ) into the office of presidency. To ensure that no one else found out about this, Jews like Martin Agronsky (who owned the newspaper industry) reported that Lee Harvey Oswald managed to kill JFK alone. LBJ continued this staged war, donating the blood of millions of Americans to further the gain of his Jewish buddies.
Later, when LBJ was forced to leave office, the Jews and NWO factions went on to assassinate the only anti-war candidate left, Robert Kennedy. They further milked this action by framing it on an Ay-rab and claiming he did it because of RFK's "pro-Israel" positions (which didn't exist). Unfortunately, they also later realized that Nixon was not suitable when he closed down the heroin trade and began to make peace with the Soviet Union. Finally, Gerald Ford came into office and ended the war on Zionist terms. In exchange for helping remove obstructive politicians, the NWO was guaranteed a puppet dictator government to rule over all Vietnam. And U.S. agents agreed to not bring up Israel's misconduct during the war, and let them also acquire nuclear weapons.
Jews Did WTC
Yes, after the Jews regained their homeland through completely legitimate means they quickly discovered that they had to share their squat of sand with a bunch of Arabs on the only place in the Middle East that has no oil. Getting rid of sandniggers was suddenly the only thing Jews could think about. At first, the U.N. was sympathetic to the plight of the Jews, because, after all, no human should be forced to share anything with Arabs. However, the U.N. soon realized that hating Jews is the only thing that can unite the peoples of the world. Therefore, helping Jews is simply against U.N.'s sacred dream of peace, love and cooperation between all humans on the planet.
Left alone and desperate, the Jews needed to do something in order to get the stone rolling in the right direction. The Elders of Zion had a meeting with George W Bush, and decided to organize a "terrorist" attack against the World Trade Center. The Arabs were easy to blame, because they hate America and the freedom it represents.
Simplifying matters even further, an obscure little Freedom-Fighting organization known as Al Qaeda, which just wanted to be recognized, was more than willing to take the blame. Their leader, Osama Bin Laden, was quick to issue a video claiming responsibility for the attacks that was sold to Fox News, and Americans like the stupid retards we are believe everything on Fox News as the Absolute Truth™.
The operation went much better than the Jews expected. Americans went into Brooklyn rage, first on Afghanistan and then on Iraq. When Obama came to power, attention focused from the Middle East to North Korea, which is apparently going batshit insane, no doubt a ploy by the jews.
Once the United States Military is done liberating Middle East from the Arabs, the Jews will move in and lick off the topping of the oil on the cake; the US will be left with the less tasty bottom, and a lot of Jew spit. In the aftermath, the Jews will once again have proven successful at manipulating the government, taking advantage of the media, extorting foreign opinions, killing random people, and seizing a large amount of oil to fund their needs and make more Jew gold.
Jews Did Windows Vista
Many people think that Microsoft is controlled by Bill Gates (autistic goy) but in reality he is merely a tool within a Zionist front organization. Gates is just a programmer who believes he's really rich with his billions while the Zionists are balling with their trillions (control of global money supply). Currently Microsoft's CEO is a right-wing Zionist Jew named Steve Ballmer whose mission was to help crash the U.S. economy by severely decreasing worker productivity with the release of Windows Vista, a deliberately shoddy and substandard operating system.
Keeping Kosher: An Introduction for Beginners
Jews follow dietary laws given to them by their God Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken, because they've forgotten how to pronounce it (modern scholars believes it was either Yud-Hey-Vav-Hey (YHVH), Jehovah or Cthulhu). The Kosher, or "kraut," laws are voluminous and complex, though the basics include:
- Not eating the flesh of certain "forbidden" animals (such as pigs).
- Not eating the flesh of other Jews. See the above for more details.
- Ensuring that those animals that are killed for food be killed in a ritually sanctified fashion.
- Not consuming meats, eggs, fruits and vegetables in combination with dairy products. The Jews thus despise cheeseburgers and omelets, and accordingly both foods are outlawed in Israel. What's life without a cheeseburger?
- Not consuming grape products, like wine, that are manufactured or touched by non-Jews.
- Eating Aryan babies, usually at Passover and often with a delightful light sauce and table wine.
- Avoiding Zyklon Knishes like the ten plagues of Moses.
- Never eating anything prepared using utensils or dishes that have been used to serve non-Kosher food.
- No, seriously - an ED user once saw a Jewess throw away a fork because it was part of her "Kosher set". Like the world is supposed to buy new plates so your Jew ass can eat your slop. Get back in the oven.
Converting to Judaism
Converting to Judaism has several advantages. You are entitled to an Israeli passport, which can prove handy if the FBI brands you as a pedophile. You may also be entitled to a resort-like villa in occupied Palestine. A little paperwork can even get you some German holocaust reparations.
Alas, it's not that easy. Realizing that they would be flooded by poor people from Zimbabwe and Japan, Jews never encourage conversion. Even dark colored Ethiopian Jews are laughed at as half-asses in Israel. If you inquire about converting, Jews would direct you to join Jewish scam-business cults such as Scientology and Jehovah's Witnesses instead. Bear in mind that if you join these groups to get Jew gold, you will be the one paying it instead!
Jews in Physics
The Jew is the SI unit of energy, according to a certain ED user's Chinese physics teaching assistant. Jews are a derived unit consisting of "nutrons" and "mereters."
Thus, the Holocaust was actually an alternative energy program; whereby, Jews were burned in ovens to power turbines and generate economical electricity from non-fossil fuel sources. It is possible that after centuries upon centuries of constant pwnage, Jews had a boost in their specific heat capacity, which makes them a cheap source of energy more than other races, although it's a well known fact that niggers have a high heat efficiency as well (and of course are even cheaper and more worthless than Jews).
They have also found a way to make themselves into Robots so they can live forever.
Fun Facts About Jews
- Jews did WTC.
- If you do not support Jews or Israel, or if you fail to actively hate Arabs, then you are a terrorist.
- Every single person ever to edit Wikipedia is a Jew (See The Wikipedia Jews).
- All Jews are inbread. (Oven joke? Typo? The world may never know...)
- Jews are the only group of people in all of human history to ever be persecuted. They are the only race in all eternity to have a genocide committed towards them. Ever.
- Supposedly, Jews own all the banks and the majority of the world's financial and political assets and use these to advance the interests of Israel, and at the same time are advocating a worldwide internationalist Communist conspiracy which would destroy the world's capitalist establishment.
- Currently furries compare themselves to the Jews because Nazis are oppressing them. Along with everyone else.
- Tripping a Jew is considered good luck in Australian and New Zealand cultures, as is telling them to "Go take a shower", which nearly always results in lulz.
- GOD DOES NOT HATE THE JEWS!!! Such a claim is outrageous. Surely if he hated them he would have sent someone down to try and wipe them all out or something. (See Hitler.)
- Although no one knows a Jews true appearance, we assume they look similar to, but maybe not exactly like furries.
- Jews are one of the very few mammals whose life cycle includes eggs. After the Jew egg has been laid by the female, it can only be fertilized by a doctor or a lawyer.
- Jews are easily recognizable by the intense smell of garlic and greed.
- Jews eat Aryan and Arab young, in spite of their not being Kosher.
- Yaweh does not protect Jews from bulldozers. Or anything really.
- Jews were the only people persecuted by the Nazis to get a free country out of it. As none of the other people persecuted during Hitler's European Tour got a free country they actually did quite well out of the Holocaust.
- Arabic, the language of Islam and The Koran, is the most commonly used Semitic language. Therefore, true antisemitism is closer to anti-Islam than anti-Judaism.
- The majority of the world's whiny, chubby, high maintenance girls are Jews.
- Jesus was hated by the Jews and the Romans even up to the point of Romans colluding with the untermensch to kill him by nailing his dirty Jew hide to two planks of timber and transforming him into a kebab.
- Jews have nukes. Nobody dares fuck with them. Except Palestinians, armed as they are with stones, pointy sticks and their newly-developed bulldozer repellent.
- The Holocaust is completely irrelevant. Bring this up frequently whilst in the company of Jews. After all, it's hard to stay angry at someone who had just made you laugh.
- Jews and Israel are intertwined. You cannot hate one without hating the other.
- Jews are known for their Jew gold, the bags of gold they carry around their necks.
- Jews are hogging up the Holocaust.
- Jews are so greedy, they won't even share the benefits of the Holohoax with the Gypsies, retards and homosexuals.
- On average, an adult male Jew will consume over 6 times his own body weight in Palestinian blood each day.
- Jews are never wrong, never guilt and never responsible for anything.
- Jews drive Yom Kippur Clippers, cars that are known to stop on a dime and pick it up.
- Jews are the most trollable people on the earth, so they are excellent for beginner trolls or older and wiser trolls that just want some easy XP.
- Atheist Jews can be made fun of the exact same way as regular Jews. They just won't get it if you insult their Holy Book. They also can't be bought out as easily as a regular Jew. Mind you, it's still possible, but prepared to bring an extra dollar with you.
- JEWS DID WTC.
Jew Jitsu
Jews Don't Believe In God
Myth: Jews follow the old Hebrew religion.
Fact: Jews don't believe in God. Judaism is a cultural money-making club.
To quote Sarah Silverman, "I have no religion. But culturally I can’t escape it, I’m very Jewish."
Another example is Natalie Portman. Neither she nor her family are religious and she claims to not believe in an afterlife or God and at the same time she was born in Israel, went to Jewish private schools, says she wants to live the rest of her life in Israel, wants to raise her kids Jewish, etc.
Zionist Assault on Gaza: Ritual Blood Sacrifice
Jews celebrated Hanukkah 2008 with a mass murder of Palestinian civilians in Gaza City as ritual blood sacrifice to their God.
Quotes
| —Abraham Foxman, Anti-Defamation League national director, getting it not quite right - Jews are always a convenient scapegoat, period. |
| —David Finkleschmidtstein, To some innocents |
| —Butthurt Jew |
Commentary
This quote embodies the true soul of the Jew. He starts out with a Jewtastic argument about racism, but reverts to the typical "stupid inbred sister fucker" garbage that you expect from some butthurt whiner on the internet. He then goes on to say that surprise buttsecks isn't funny, which we all know is incorrect. Note how how he resorts to a threatening a lawsuit, the Jew's primary defense.
Jews in Pictures
A Visual Guide to Jews and Judaism
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Jew Gallery
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See Also
- Nazis, who begat
- Hitler, who carried out
- The Holocaust, the gift that keeps on giving and led to
- The Lolocaust as well as
- Holocaust Porn, and did we mention that
- The Lolocaust as well as
- Jesus is Hitler?
- The Holocaust, the gift that keeps on giving and led to
- Hitler, who carried out
- Jewcat
- Jew Watch
- GIYUS
- Raelian
- Neo-con
- Not Jewish
- JEWS DID WTC
Jews on LiveJournal
- anti_zionists
- gay_jews
- jbcs; or, Jews By Choice.
- all4israel
External Links
- Ornate swastika video - Post this with reckless abandon on the blogs, Facebook pages, etc. of Jews that are asking for it
| Jew is part of a series on Jews |
Patriarchs Habitats Traditions H8s |
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