John Cena
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
John Felix Anthony Cena Jr. (born April 23, 1977) is a hardcore gangster, wigger and "professional wrestler". He was born in the hardcore streets of West Newbury, Massachusetts. He truly is a god amongst mortal gay men (See: Wrestlers).
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[edit] Career
[edit] Before TV
When John Cena was a kid he had a dream, to work in the gayest job in the world. In college he tried to be a bodybuilder, a football star and a chauffeur, but these jobs weren't gay enough for him. Eventually he found out about the homo-erotic sport of rasslin' and trained hard until WWE hired him and trained him to be a truly god-awful wrestler and a top-notch cock-sucker.
[edit] In Ring
Cena's first appeared in the WWE last thursday. He was dressed in overly tight green spandex shorts that showed off his tiny package, thus appealing to what would become his fan base. This made him look like a generic jobber, and thus no one gave a crap about him.
Unfortunately Cena thinks he's a great rapper, and so annoyed fellow wrestlers by freestyling whenever he could. Someone realized that at the time they didn't have a white rapper gimmick that could rip off Eminem so made him dress like a wigger.
For some reason, some of the fans decided that Cena's freestyles on opponents were somewhat entertaining, so began cheering for him. This led to every other wrestler on the company (male and female) losing to him in matches until Cena won the WWE Championship. Since winning he he constantly either was defending the belt or challenging for it, raping it of any credibility it had. No one has ever been allowed to work together to defeat him in a handicap, and other fag-like sounding match types. Not even tag teams work together when facing him, they simply stand there and take his moves as to avoid injury from his lack of know how.
When Vince McMahon switched the titles on show to try and get ratings, Cena went to Raw, where the fans hated him since every wrestler, announcer, cameraman, production assistant and cleaner on the show had an estimated 245% more talent than him.
The WWE writers tried to make him likeable by making his opponents into mega evil badguys who beat up women and old men, hated gays and niggas, and made fun of whatever city they were in. This worked against Cena, as these qualities made his opponents even more popular to the type of fans wrestling gets.
Despite this, fans hated him no matter what. Even booing him in his own hometown. So instead they called him a controversial wrestler which was a nice way of saying he sucks, and said that the fans were 'very into the match' (which is unbelievable bullshit) or 'defiant'.
Cena's greatest match, and no doubt the highlight of his career was when he was pinned in the middle of the ring by Kevin 'K-Fag' Federline live on an edition of Raw at the beginning of 2007. That's right, Cena and K-Fag had a match, and K-Fag won. Cena lost to Kevin faggin' Fagerline.
BREAKING NEWS: Vince McMahon's out-of-wedlock irish midget son got screwed during the Royal Rumble! OMG He's teh real winnar, not Cena! He was nevar eliminated!
[edit] The Musican
Building from his gimmick as a wigger, he released a rap record 'You Can't See Me' (in reference to how'd you see him on the album charts) with fellow hardcore gangsta 'Tha TradeMarc'. This was heavily promoted for about a month during it's release, before never being talked about again due to Cena's lack of nigger-ness.
The album has been claimed to be a success, having sold more copies than Brooke Hogan & K-Fed could manage, having been marketed instead as a coaster.
Since it's release, Cena has blessed the world by never rapping or freestyling again. But he's still an OG, homeslice.
[edit] The Actor
Due in part to his ever-growing popularity with gays and fat girls, the WWE (having already ruined TV and music) decided to venture into making terrible movies. One of which is The Marine, and for some still unknown reason Cena was cast as the lead actor.
The film is about an ex-Marine (which therefore means the movie has been misnamed, making it even worse) called John (because Cena would get confused being called a different name) who comes home to bang his wife after he is discharged from the military for no longer having good anus. He and his wife decide to go on a road trip instead of sexes, and she ends up getting kidnapped. Because that makes perfect sense. The movie is then filled with explosions and random fights to mask Cena's lack of acting ability. The movie did not go well over with critics mostly because Cena is as good a wrestler as he is an actor - pathetically terrible.
There has been some speculation that Cena had some issues while filming this movie. One issue is that of the sex scene between his character and the whore who plays his wife. Cena was reportedly uncomfortable with this because he does not like pussy. So, the actress had to wear a paper bag over her head with a picture of Vince McMahon's face glued onto it, just so Cena could go through fliming the scene. This too failed as Cena has always prematurely ejaculated during every form of sex.
[edit] Acting Continued: Subway
John Cena given a 15 second Subway commercial, as is common with pathetic wrestlers who need money. The level of acting and charisma in this blew everything that was in his movie out of the fucking water. This commercial is the most successful thing to ever happen in Cena's career, because he found a way to get payed to just stand there, look at a sandwich, and argue with his boyfriend (which apart from deepthroating are only things in life he is not completely horrible at.) But it also spawned an extremely unfunny meme.
[edit] Injury
On October 1st 2007, the IWC broke open the bottles of lulz and poured epic win over their cocks as Cena, wrestling Mr. Kennedy tore a pectoral muscle whilst executing a devastating, lethal manuvere known as the basic hiptoss.
[edit] His Fans
Although he is hated by almost all the wrestling community due to lack of wrestling ability or vocal talent and his steroid-muscles, he still has a few fans. He calls them part of his Chain Gang, because some genius writer thought that sounded cool and could fit on a T-Shirt.
Cena has very distinct breeds of fans:
- jailbait who want to blow him
- Fat chicks who want to get fucked by him
- Fellow wiggers
- People who have no sense of direction in life, and therefore choose to idolize him instead
- The McMahons, as they receives many buttsecks from Cena
- K-Fed
- Sea Turtles
- Hulk Hogan
- J.R.
- The Benoit Family
- Uwe Boll
- Goatse
- Your Mom
- Kids on the cool section of the short bus. (See: reymon14)
- Local fat-ass, Craig Griffith
As the WWE likes to try and make fans like who they want to be champions, Cena is told to ignore all the fans that boo him, which has occurred at every WWE show since Cena's first appearance. When this does not work, the WWE pumps the sound of crowds cheering over the speaker system to try and get him liked. It fails.
Last Thursday, Craig Griffith got the chance to meet his idol at a fancy restaurant for a night of romance, McDonalds, and testicle sucking. Craig had a huge cum-stain on his jeans as he waited to worship the might of the world's most shriveled WWE penis. As Craig vigorously fapped at the table it slowly occurred to him that John Cena was not going to arrive. Apparently even John Cena was not attracted to the mutant fat ass Craig harbored. Craig spent the next four months crying his ass off, and fisting his mom.
[edit] Six Moves Of Doom
Cena is well known for using the same poorly executed moves to defeat any wrestler, no matter how technical or more experienced they are/were/will be/have been/aren't. Due to his lack of ability in wrestlng (and in life for that matter), he only has 6 moves to perform on an opponent, they are:
- The Closed-Fist - His most commonly used move, as since he lacks real wrestling ability, he must punch and brawl his way through matches.
- Ass-Ramming - Cena attempts to fly through the air, but lacking wings just knocks his opponent over like an idiot
- Cock Breaker - A suplex that allows Cena to fondle his opponents legs and nuts while giving the impression he's actually hurting them
- Five Knuckle Shuffle - A mockery of a move that is another closed fist disguised as an actual move because he bounces off the ropes and hits his opponent on the mat, mostly after Cena has raped them. Is named after Cena's love life.
- The F-U - A very bad attempt at a Death Valley Driver, but looks stupid enough to be his finisher. Named after the reply he gets after asking people for sex.
- The STF-U - Cena's favourite sex position, disguised as submission hold. Cena basically mounts his grounded opponent from behind while they are on their belly, and humps them until they give up.
[edit] John Cena meets the Internet
John Cena has tried to promote himself on the internet before, however was shocked when he realized that the interwebs is one place where the WWE can't pretend he's won.
- Cena successfully had a MySpace page open for a month, before it as 'taken down' for 'reworking'. This is of course bullshit, as he couldn't handle the wrestling marks, flamers and haters spamming his page.
- Cena attempted his own YouTube vBlog called 5 questions, where he would answer 5 specially selected uncontroversal and uninteresting questions made up by WWE writers. This was canned after it became clear no-one gave a crap about it.
- Cena became a gaiafag. ([SRSLY, check it out!]) in a desperate attempt to have one place on Earth that actually likes him (after all, everyone on Gaia is as gay as he is).
