John McCain
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| John McCain invented the BlackBerry! |
My friends My fellow prisoners , John Sidney McCain is a geriatric Vietnam War potato running for President of the United States of AmeriKKKa on the Republican party ticket. He was one of the Overlords during the Dark Winter of Reagan. He is also a Borg-like giant malignant melanoma tumor with few human traits left who plans on world pwnage in the name of the cancerous.
Born at least 100 years ago, McCain would surpass Dick Cheney as the nation's oldest chief executive, becoming the second President to suffer from Alzheimer's and the first to suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Facing criticism from the Republican Party that he's too liberal and from the Democratic Party that he's too conservative, McCain now claims to be the The Maverick [1] but is also a secret founding member of the Lemon Party.
In his final masterstroke, McCain recruited the amazing Sarah Palin after Republicans showed that even they had more sense than to take Joe Lieberman aboard. McCain is absolutely inscrutable, and the correct response to any criticism of his policies is: "FUCK YOU! HE SPENT FIVE AND A HALF YEARS IN A P.O.W. CAMP!"
Also note that McCain's first wife (who was not only fugly, but FAT and UGLY on top of it) waited for him to get out of summer camp only to get into a car accident years later and have McCain leave her for some pretty hot bitch.
[edit] Biography
John McCain was born on April 1, 1869; son of a rich admiral in the United States Navy. Dad or granddad now has an aircraft carrier named for himself.
Throughout John's education, daddy's Jew gold bought him the right to slack off and reputation, which carried him through his education. Good thing, too, because he turned out to be a complete fucking moron, graduating #894/899 from his class at the Naval Academy, his sorry ass only being saved by daddy's reputation.
Whether or not he has the assburgers is not yet known; he will have his staff look into it after they figure out how many houses he has.
He implies that he was tortured by North Vietnamese soldiers for several years but they put him up in the Hanoi Holiday Inn (situation being reversed, he wouldn't have lived, but is he grateful?). The Hanoi Holiday Inn wasn't good enough for a McCain, so he made propaganda broadcasts for the Vietnamese commies on Radio Commie Vietnam to weasel his way into a berth at the Hanoi Hilton. He's probably best known for his long-running lounge act at that famous nightspot, giving aid and succor to gook troops (McCain's way of describing his benefactors) with witty stand-up routines, smooth melodies, and helpful lists.
The Vietnamese media speaks of a fisherman who rescued John McCain in return for oral sex in the winter of 1968. Leung Ong Lhan, now 78, says that McCain "sucked my cock".
"At first I was just giving them these things because I felt sorry for them, but Lieutenant McCain insisted on 'returning the favor.' I never knew what a 'swirly' was until we took McCain prisoner. I could have gotten him to do whatever I wanted at the time," says Leung through a translator. "I'm sure I could have gotten anal had I been into it."
McCain, attempting to connect with evangelicals, has all of sudden found massive faiyth! He enjoys recounting a prison story from his POW days to all his "friends". In his account, a prison guard would sneak into his room naked while John was asleep and then gently loosen the ropes on John, then come back in the morning and tighten them up again. How sweet! This prison relationship climaxed on Christmas Day when the guard drew an adorable cross on the ground for McCain to strain his neck and look at. "We were two Christians, just worshiping together", a grateful John McCain explained to his "friends". Whoever is elected, America can expect to enjoy the same sort of relationship with the next administration.
Irrespective of Whether McCain actually makes it to office or not he will always be remebered for the part he played in the famous Lemon Party Photoshoot. The culture defining photos which took the world by storm were taken when he was at his prime in 1930, with only a modest 42 malignant tumours eating away at his insides. significantly As a young teen Sarah Palin used to rub off to these very photos on a daily basis as a means of escaping the sexual boredom and backwardness of rural Alaska and her father.
[edit] Political positions
McCain is known for his vehement support of illegal immigration, mostly because he'd rather pay a spic 10 cents an hour to mow his lawn than pay a legal Amurrican citizen a decent wage. Because we could have won Vietnam if we hadn't pulled out too soon, McCain wants to make up for it by spending at least 100 years in Iraq and maybe hitting up Iran while we're in the neighborhood.
[edit] McCain on the Issues
- Abortion: I'M A MAVERICK
- American principles: I'M A MAVERICK
- Civil rights: I'M A MAVERICK
- Cylons: 'I'M A MAVERICK
- Disabilities: I'M A MAVERICK
- Economy: I'M A MAVERICK "I'm suspending my campaign. I'm cold and wolves are after me"
- Education: I'M A MAVERICK
- Energy: I'M A MAVERICK
- Environment: NIGGER RIG IT
- Ethics: I'M A MAVERICK
- Family: BANG MORE YOUNG BITCHES
- Fiscal: I'M A MAVERICK
- Foreign Policy: I'M A WAR HERO, AND I'LL BOMB THE GOOKS
- Gun Control: I'M A MAVERICK
- Health care: I'M A MAVERICK
- Homeland Security: I'M A MAVERICK
- Immigration: I'M A MAVERICK
- Iraq: I'M A WAR HERO
- Monogamy: I'M A MAVERICK
- Political Experience : I'M A MAVERICK
- Poverty: I'M A MAVERICK
- Prostitution: I'M A MAVERICK
- Rural: I'M A MAVERICK
- Service: I'M A WAR HERO
- Seniors & Social Security: I'M A MAVERICK
- Technology: I'M A MAVERICK
- Use of the I'M A MAVERICK
- Veterans: I'M A WAR HERO
- War Heroes: I'M A WAR HERO
- Candlejack: I'M A MA
Following the GOP convention, you can now add the word "change" to each and everything. At least you could until Septembuary 24th when McCain decided to stop trying to win the election. He refuses to let Sarah Palin or his campaign staff, campaign. Obama plans on attending the debates without him. To simulate the experience for the American voter, he will berate an elderly male member of the white half of his family for about 3 hours.
[edit] Mr. McNasty
| —McCain to wife Cindy |
This section is all true. Srsly. His high school nickname was Mr. McNasty for his hothead temper. In front of his campaign staff he scolded his wife for gently ribbing him about his hair loss and robot heritage with, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt."
On his experiences in the 'Nam he said, "I hate the gooks." About the gooks, he said to a staff college intern, "At least they didn't ask me what I think about the niggers." To Senator Pete Domenici, "I wouldn't call you an asshole unless you really were an asshole."
Despite being over 9000 years old, this actually makes McCain the hippest Republican candidate in several decades. This was further proven when he appeared on SNL and raped the shit out of Jimmy Fallon.
On the totally not not, not not not not not not biased Huffington Post, Jewmors are floating that McCain shoved an old lady with an O2 tank and a wheel chair into a wall back in the dizay. Turns out she was wondering where her MIA husband was and she was hoping McCain could take a looksie. She asked him how the search for the real soldier was and he walked away. She pumped her arms and sped after him, wheels a turnin' and then grabbed him. At first he raised his arm to slap this hoe but like the maverick he is, he reached across the aisle and shoved her into the wall for massive damage.
When questioned about the incident, his staffers at the time said "He did it for the lulz"
[edit] McCain vs. Tubes
Not content with being pwnt by Vietnam, for his next trick, McCain decided to become the lolcow of MySpace. Having mistaken the internets for a big truck, McCain had his minions set up an account on MySpace to reach out to all those edgy and hip youngsters. But the internets are not a big truck, but rather a series of tubes running freely with powerful lol. Unbeknownst to team McCain, one of those tubes connected a graphic on his MySpace page to an image on a server belonging to someone else. Using a tried and true bait-and-switch tactic, McCain admitted his love for lesbians, was pwned once again, and had to go join John Edwards in the hugbox. He can't operate a computer, but wants to operate the United States of Amurrica? Gg.
However, McCain is still in favor of hot threesome orgies with twins. Rule 34 Plz!
In an episode of even greater pwnage, Last Thursday one of John McCain's minions got fucked in the ass by fat whore Tracy Russo at the PDF. The minion was trying to explain that one does not have to use a computer to understand that the internets are not a big truck but couldn't because the fat cow got everyone to laugh at him. The minion then backtracked and made epic lulz by saying, "John McCain is aware of the internet."
Ironically his not being "aware" of Al Gore's single-handed creation is good for the tubes, since if he doesn't know it, he can't regulate it.
[edit] Raisin' McStain
An inbred redneck Tim-McGraw-wannabe by the über-white name of John Rich couldn't contain his strong gerontophiliac feelings for McCain any longer, and this 100,000-view hillbilly wankfest is the result:
For some reason, the Internet haet machine conductor is too busy grooming texting with a male teenager, and as a result, this video has an inordinately high rating.
Do your part, comrade.
Some inspieration for your journey:
WARNING: actually watching this pipece of shit will make you want to chew tobacco, kill an abortion doctor, and fuck your sister daughter.
Show soem loev to JR's MySpace while you're at it.
[edit] Speeches
[edit] His appeal to the GOP
Pollsters and poliscilons have spent billions of dollars inquiring into America's love affair with McCain. How did this sly maverick beat America's nut cancer-ridden mayor? How did he beat the magical Moron who enchanted Massachusetts for a day? How did he beat the stern, jowly justice of the abortion lobbyist turned TV superstar?
All of the other candidates ignored him and gutted each other! Defining quality: he has been running for president for over a decade!
Supporters being libtrolled with "gotcha" questions like "Why do you support John McCain?" and "Do you think Obama is a trrst?"?
| —typical supporter |
[edit] Black man BEGS McCain To "Take It To Obama"
The Wisconsin rally brought out a very special member of the community. Not only was his pigment of different color but he was wearing a suit. In the sea of white people, a black man came to PLEAD McCain to take it to "Take it to Obama". Whatever that means. Not to mention he was getting an ass-whoopin' for being at a Klan Rally. To put this all into perspective; Chuck D: "Every brother ain't a brother cause of color!"
The worst part of this was McCain's answer, "Your reward is in heaven, not here on Earth". Jim Crow laws being reinstated?
The black man is James T. Harris, a radio host in Milwaukee.
[edit] There will be more warz
Emperor John McWarmonger through a slip of the tongue told reporters that there will be more warz if he‘s elected. He then preceded to make a hit album and then totally and successfully made everyone forget about it when it latter made him look like a total douche bag. The hit single can now only be found in the vast tubes of the internets wither or not it will reach media and completely ruin his ass is unknown.
[edit] McCain tricked into Photo session with Liberal
Jill Greenberg had been hired by the Atlantic magazine to photograph John McCain for their magazine. There was a whole big article about him and everything was going according to plan. But Jill had her own ideas and started taking pictures to make John McCain look like a Monstar. She even used Photoshop for moar Lulz.
She is currently seeking employment and 5,000 dollars to put up this picture on a billboard.
[edit] His appeal to anyone else
Meh. Not much there. McCain is so uninteresting to the American public at large, that Stephen Colbert recently issued the Colbert Nation a challenge. That challenge?...to make McCain moar interesting via his Greenscreen Challenge.
[edit] Sexy Madonna Version
[edit] Zombie Version
[edit] Star Trek Version
[edit] Mario Version
[edit] Trivia
- Only sort of eligible to run for President 'cos he was born in Panama, but at a naval air station, which makes it sort of alright.
- Became an American Citizen on June 26, 1982, under naturalization certificate #19756078.
- His lovers have included Ann Coulter, Larry King, Webster, Joe Lieberman, Janet Reno and John Ashcroft.
- Endorsed by the moderate, reasonable Lemon Party.
- Appeared naked on the cover of Life magazine (November 24, 1991).
- Prides himself on the fact that he had slept with four members of the Bush clan - George H. W., Barbara, W, and Jeb.
- Voted the 10th Most Inept Congressman of 2006 by Time Magazine.
- Successfully trolled Ron Paul during the Republican debates by personally ordering the troops in Iraq to stay and fight for at least 100 years (and, if necessary, for over 911 times a thousand deaths).
- Thinks Vietnam was lost due to "public opinion" and not the thousands of dead soldiers or fear of a larger war with China or Russia. Kill the pollsters!
- Wants to increase every aspect of the "war on drugs" because we needs a "drug-free America".
- Will probably make us miss Bush as the "good old days" if he wins the election but so will the other guy.
- He's as senile as Reagan. This results in some rather lulzy "senior moments" whenever he steps in front of a camera.
- Owns several houses, but doesn't recall where any of them are. Protip: Some are in Arizona.
- Hates freedom.
- Loves torture.
- Voted against instating Martin Luther King Day. At least he gets something right!
- Worked as a gigolo in 2000 by banging a lobbyist and getting her to pay him for it.
- His wife is a rich and beautiful MILF.
- His wife's fortune (and consequently his allowance) comes from distributing Budweiser.
- He goes ape shit over donuts with sprinkles.
- Has recently run into relationship troubles with his lover John Hagee. This is because McCain can only achieve erection by nuking Iran to glass and starting the Rapture.
- Is not gay.
[edit] Hoe wait a minute
In what may be the lulzyiest nail in McCain's coffin since he bitched out a Time reporter (like yesterday, lol), John McCain has picked Alaska governista, Sarah Palin to be his vice president nominee! I'd hit it!
[edit] McCain: repercussions of politics
McCain had waited. The light above his cell blinked and sparked out of the air. McCain was captured by the Vietdong. He knew there was an America back home but it had been so long he forgot what it was like. "Did we win the war, was the village destroyed so we can save it? Or was it too late" Far too late for now, anyways. McCain had been a maverick for years. When he was young, he would watch congress people and governors serving America by bucking partisanship and acting like mavericks with his dad. "I want to be political maverick daddy." Dad said "No! You will LOSE A LOT AND BECOME A NEOCON!" There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now on the road to the Whitehouse he knew there were Vietdongs and terroristas abound. "This is Karl Rove" the radio crackered. "You must fight the terrorists!" So McCain embraced his party and changed the way he voted. "You should hire the same people who beat you in 2000, the NEOCONS" McCain hired the people who once told voters he had bastard black children. But then he was trapped and not able to make his own choices. "No! I must be a maverick who's nevar a Neocon" he shouted The radio said "No, McCain. You are a Neocon" And then McCain was a Neocon.
[edit] McCopypasta
My friends,
My name is John, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, liberal, democrats who spend every second of their day trying to pass healthcare reform. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever cheated on your wives? I mean, I guess it's fun surrendering to terrorists, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse spending five years in a Vietnamese prison.
Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I'm a war hero, and a war hero. What sports do you play, other than "jack off to Barack Obama"? I also graduated next-to-last in my class, and have a banging hot running mate (She just gave birth to a retard; Shit was SO pro-life). You are all gooks who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and my cunt
[edit] Coot - Cunt '08. The first 2 years of a McCain-Palin administration
1. McCain is mysteriously ran over by a snowmobile, and dies. Sarah Palin becomes our President.
2. Flyover Christfags rejoice. Supreme Court Justices Stevens, and Ginsburg die. Priscilla Owen and Andy Schlafly are nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court. Spineless Democrats confirm them because they're scared of being called "sexist" for blocking female fascists from the court.
3. Roe v. Wade is overturned. Inbred births quadruple in all the former slave states. Rape/incest victims are SOL because Queen Sarah "chooses life".
4. Conservative economist Phil Gramm becomes Secretary of the Treasury. Social Security is privatized, benefits are cut by 50% and seniors are told by Conservatives to "pick themselves up from their bootstraps", get a job, and stop whining like socialists".
5. Wars with Russia and Iran. Islamic nutjobs find another reason to hate us, and now plan small-scale terrorist attacks in flyover cities (and it's about fucking time because New York is due for a break). Putin threatens a nuclear strike when we try to send troops to Georgia (the Asian country not the armpit of Redneckistan). Only then McCain comes to the negotiating table. Conservatives spin this as "tough diplomacy getting results for the American people".
[edit] Gallery
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[edit] See also
- Sarah Palin
- Hillary Clinton
- Barack Hussein Obama
- Ron Paul
- Scifag
- Neocon
- "The War on Drugs"
- Vietnam War
- Doing it wrong
[edit] External Links
- Man In the Arena
- A documentation of the MySpace pwnage, written by the pwner himself.
- When you fail at MySpace, why not fail again?
- Daddy or Chips?
- MOar MySpace
- McCain on drugs
- McCain's fund raisers
- McCain Wikification, faggotry?
- Typical McCain supporters
- McCain, the flip-flopping liberal
- Part 2
