Kerney Thomas

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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Kerney Thomas is a nigra who lurks on Black Entertainment Television between 1 and 5 AM, preaching to the insomniacs about Raptor Jesus. His devoted following consists of a particularly heinous blend of Level 34 Wizards who aren't getting enough jollies from their +3 Power Rods, people who claim to have known Jesus personally, and other miscellaneous spiritual people. Surprisingly, Pastor Kerney has a pretty big amount of people who eat up every word he says. They are completely spellbound by his preaching, which consists of yelling at people, asking for money, and giving out his bloody rags as gifts (See also, any girl on her period).

In West Philadelphia, Almost Aborted but Raised

Pastor Kerney Thomas, Jr. born January 19, 1956 of Kerney and Ella Mae Thomas, their second born child while they were using birth control (which may explain the charming accent(it also could have been the fact that his father is a crow) determined not to have any more children at that time, but God had a greater purpose. After growing up living a reasonably normal life, Pastor Thomas worked his way into the television industry after killing some hookers and capping gangstas, where he got a genius marketing scheme. Looking down at the bloody cloth in his giant hand, and the greasy texture of the dead nigger at his feet, he took a note from Fight Club and decided to make soap out of people. The black man's distinctive sheen made for the perfect texture for his olive oil soap, and the bandanas dipped in their blood gave them a lovely bouquet, with hints of nutmeg and KFC. Then he whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said "Fresh" and it had dice in the mirror.

YOU GONNA GET RAPED!!!

The Gist of Pastor T's Philosophy

Pastor Kerney: "Having money will change":

Your hair.
Your friends.
Your car.
Your food.
Your house.
Your dick.
Everything.
Your marriage.

You're doing it wrong.
Your sex.
Women wanting you.

Fun Facts!

Rubbing the blood cloth on anything will cure it.
Rubbing the olive oil soap on anything will cure it. Or turn it into fried chickens.
His soap can cure teh AIDS!
The more money you send, the better your miracle will be!.
He is an Aspie.
His soap can cure your mom.
His soap can cure diabeetus.
~~His soap can cure black~~. It will probably turn you into a nigra.
His cloth can cure being poor.
His cloth can cure the need for chronic masturbation. Maybe.
His cloth can cure WTC.
His soap can cure being fat, as long as fatty doesn't get hungry and eat the soap.
His cloth can cure ugly (put over face).
His cloth can cure internet disease (put over computer screen).
His soap can cure Crips.
His cloth can anger Crips.
He loves whores and other sinners.
His cloth can cure furries.
His soap can cure the gay.
His cloth can cure the Sheeny Curse.
~~His cloth can cure being a slut.~~Only p3n0r can calm the slut's urges.
He will get rid of all your unwanted irritations.
He may be pawt Azn, due to his inability to pwonounce cehtain lettahs.
His soap can cure you.

Testimonials

While curing, inquires thoughtfully about "Jamaicanese".

REPENT NON-BELIEVERS

“	STOP SLANDERING KERNEY THOMAS JERKS ! OBVIOUSLY HE CAN PRAY AND AVAIL MUCH WITH THE POWER OF GOD.... ............. REPENT for hating the brethren!!!!!!	„
— c84, on what it's like to be part of a cult.

“	I'm Kay from Buffalo, NY---and 3:00 am in the morning I was in extreme pain...Kearney Thomas prayed and that pain went away instantly..He came to my church and MANY were HEALED AND DELIVERED instantly when he prayed for them. He also spoke a word into my life and it came true...as for judging him---don't forget, GOD WILL JUDGE YOU!!	„
— Delusional woman.

“	you should watch the blasphemy everyone in tiled to there belief how can you say he is a fraud as you saying god is a fraud basically as HE says that god not he himself does this he claims god does the miracles not him and read bible and belief is strong in anything can mind cure as well in studies i believe god does pick certain people as his son has and himself since beginning to spread the word of the bible and his word and stories so he dont talk like mosses did as in tghe bible i believe god says he would stop verbly talking to man why because to test are faith if we cant hear or see him will we still have the faith as he does create miracles and his son wS BORN AND THEN KILLED FOR MANS SINS SO we could go to heaven or whatever you believe i just say whatever he does is good for the people in a way or another and that is gods work so what if he feeds his family he needs to eat and live as well god never sad man cant eat the preaches and spreads his word i don't think i herd that yet been found i can see if he was embezzling the money then again do we a gods children forgive yes im say as he is human as well i do not care if you think im stupid whatever just have faith in some people and need tom listen really listen and i say only god can judge me so i leave it to god to judge the righteous god bless jimmy.m rhode island	„
— jimmy13, saying.. something..

“	My name is Cary Rickett. I am from Bald Knob, Arkansas. My address is 209 W. Center Street, Bald Knob, Arkansas 72010. Kerney Thomas is a TRUE MAN OF GOD!!! The things he told me are true. Kerney Thomas don't have the holy geese He has the HOLY GHOST!!!!!	„
— Asking for it.

Skeptics

“	what i think is we should get all of them FFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRREEEEEDDDDDDD for what he is doing to these vulnerable people. i think he should rot in hell who does this guy think he is touching you and making all your problems go away yea right put a sock in it nobody wants this CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!	„
—liljsworld telling it like it is.

IT STILL HURTSSSSS

“	I got my prayer rag, wiped myself and flushed it all. I think God will let this slip by. God does`t need this guy soaking his flock. He has satan to do that	„
— some guy.

“	Kerney Thomas suks to the core. He is trying to sell God and make money. But Im sure that not even one cent or one pence of his money will save his soul from dying in hell. He is a messenger of the Satan. He shouts like a chimpanzee in the show.	„
—Some guy who can't spell sucks.

“	I pray that he gets cancer	„
— FraudDetector

“	I am not going to say whether or not he is a false prophet. I will be able to say that after I get my free blood covenant prayer cloth. I sent it back without money on purpose to see if he will send it.	„
—LDavis believes being sent a red piece of cloth will make someone a true prophet.

“	False Prophet feeding off the desparation of the poor and ignorant.	„
—person.

“	I sent him some money sowing a seed and he kept sending me letters and oils and prayer cloth asking for more money and what i sent him was not good enough so i dont waste my time any more i beleive he is a demon but i am not a judge but he will answer to god for taking money from poor people	„
— some guy admitting they are poor and below normal intelligence...