Large Hadron Collider
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Large Hadron Collider (Moar like Large Hardon Collider, amirite?) is the particle accelerator from Superhell, located at CERN in Geneva. It has become a struggling meme on /b/ because when it is switched on in May June August 2008 (with the first collisions planned to take place 2 months later) it will either:
- Prove the existence of the Higgs Boson, (aka The God Particle) solving all the mysteries of the universe
- Kill the Nemesis and let Jill and Carlos get to the rescue chopper
- Reduce the Earth to a cloud of hot gas
- Send Lester Chayklin to Another World
- Propagate a black hole which will swallow the entire universe
- Prove that Bill Clinton didn't cheat on his wife.
- Cause the epic battle between Longcat and Tacgnol!!!111oneoneone
- Divide by zero
- Give nerds yet another annoying three-letter-acronym (TLA) to use in conversation
tl;dr: CAN HAS NOT TURN ON DOOMZDAY MASHIN PLZ.
[edit] The Black Hole Theory
While it is technically possible to create a miniature singularity (the core of a black hole) by smashing shit up, black hole theory holds that the energy created by the LHC will not be sufficient. Unfortunately for us, the accepted theory of black holes is not the only one. Furthermore, as it is technically impossible to go anywhere near a black hole to observe one, all theories are completely untestable. (Do not worry you idiots, most of people who think this is gonna destroy earth are just Doomsayers and of course, some Scientists who really want to die.)
It is postulated that in the event a real mini-black hole is created, a theoretical form of radiation called Hawking radiation will iron over the bumps in reality. The existence of Hawking radiation is characterized by scientists as "plausible", though anyone who listens to a cripple clearly lacks all but one single iota of intelligence, amirite? Basically this means they have a problem with their theory and invented a convenient solution, kinda like how if your best friend walks in on you and his girlfriend naked and you hastily explain that she got splashed by a passing post-van and you took her in and took off her wet clothes and then took of your clothes as well so that she didn't feel lonely, when your friend stares at you and tells you that postmen don't work on Sundays then you say "well in my area they do".
"It should also be noted that cosmic rays have been impacting the earth's atmosphere for a few billion years. These collisions are far more energetic than the collisions that can be produced in the laboratory. So, if something catastrophic could happen from these collisions, it would have happened already. You know, probably. Or it'll destroy the Earth."-Random Science Fag
[edit] Super-Symmetrical Matter
Some guy while making shit up to fix the epic failure that is string theory (his version was called M theory), decided that every particle has a flipside or a super-symmetry, these super-symmetrical versions of particles are called "sparticles" (as in "THIS! IS! SPARTICLE!). Now these sparticles are so much more massive than other particles that they make normal physical processes (like being alive for example) impossible and when one particle becomes a sparticle all the other particles decide "NO IM SPARTICLES" and thus triggers off a domino effect causing everything to become a useless mass thus fucking up the entire universe.
[edit] Strange Matter/Anti-Matter
A Strangelet is an object which, upon striking normal matter, could convert it to Strange Matter. This title is pretty weak even by the standards of the scientific community which gave us Quarks and Plancks, so some have suggested that they could be "Dark Matter." These scientists were quickly told to GTFO, emo fag.
It is theorized that Strange Matter will be positively charged, so it will be very difficult for it to latch onto a normal nucleus and cause a domino effect. If this theory is wrong, the planet gets vaporised.
In painfully simple Americunt English, this means that the Swiss are, essentially, spending buckets of Hitler's stolen jew golds in an attempt to divide by zero.
Dan Brown's 'book' "Angels and Demons" touched on this topic a bit before it turned into another shitty novel.
[edit] Wait, Haven't We Heard This Before?
Yes. The whole uproar is very similar to the people who claimed that we shouldn't detonate the hydrogen bomb, as there was no proof that the chain reaction of exploding molecules would ever stop. This same hysteria was used as the basis for the movie Plan 9 From Outer Space, which featured a bomb capable of detonating light which would eventually wipe out the entire universe.
Of course there is also the example of testing H-bombs underwater which could have feasibly caused the whole worlds ocean to become one big H-bomb because the retards didn't check whether the hydrogen in the water had the critical mass to join in on the fusion reaction, of course it didn't but it would be nice if these things were checked before they went and possibly made us all an heroes.
On the other hand, people wore sunglasses to watch that same bomb being tested, and took their families to see it as a nice day out.
[edit] CERN vs. The Internets
Apparently, the LHC isn't the only thing that'll spell the end of all that's good in the universe. In addition to the LHC smashing particles together, a powerful force known as the GRID will record all data that occurs from the experiments. One thing to know about teh GRIDS is that its data processing speed is faster than any series of tubes on this stinking rock, thus replacing the Internets we all know and love. But of course, that won't be for another ten years (provided we're still here when the LHC switches on.)
[edit] The Street Fighter Theory aka shit that appears to be pasted from uncyclopedia
LHC is a machine that is being made by the US Government in their "Switzerland Laboratory" in Arizona, which will open a portal to Outland and make the world into a perpetual Street Fighter. Creation and error mitigation of the system required more manpower than Blanka, E. Honda and Chun-Li could support on autofire. Islam was invented for this purpose during the Cold War when Big Boss devised a new strategy to forge a new bridge into the information age by starting the first server farm powered by slave laborers in the Middle East and South East Asia.
This Mecca, as it was commonly called on the streets, went under a Microsoft codename "LHC", later to be released as "Vista Service Pack 2". While the public server is located somewhere in the sands where oil and many other alternate fuel sources can be located, the main server and helpdesk is located in the Switzerland, Arizona laboratory.
The LHC probably is one of Obama's schemes to shuffle himself in as the new ruler of the world. After saving the world from the daemon invasion from the Outlands caused by the LHC's wild Science! machineryisms with the aid of High Executor John Kerry, he will "barely" come to the aide of Pope Benedict only to "hear" the Pope's final words.
The LHC PlayOnline support server is based in Switzerland, Arizona. Its services demand 12 Euros a month for its online access that will only last for a split second, which makes the Xbox 360 and PS3 heroes in their own right. Shenanigans, I say.
[edit] Videos (click to expand)
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[edit] What The Internets Are Saying
| —Laguna2, 14 year old girl |
| —Jens, probable cutter |
| —timesonline.co.uk, proving that Cern is completely safe and that WE ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE |
| —PK181 talking a whole lotta sense, boy |
| —bbc.co.uk, proving that America wins again and that WE ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE |
[edit] Safe Particle Reactor is Safe
Many foolish scaremongers believe that the LHC presents a risk of creating particles that could destroy the Earth. Expert scientists have expertly responded to these ridiculous claims by pointing out that the LHIC is simply replicating a reaction that occurs regularly when cosmic rays strike the Earth. The only difference being the particles they're using in the LHIC don't have to travel through the Earth's atmosphere, several thousand miles of rock and a magnetic iron core - the LHC's reactions will occur in a supercooled vacuum under scientifically controlled conditions, which is clearly much safer AMIRITE?
[edit] Scientist's Predictions
As of July 2008, many people involved with the FUNDING LOL, design, construction and operation of the LHC, and many who are not involved with it, and many who are not scientists in any way but just like to pretend they have a doctorate in something other than LJ Postwhoring, have all concluded with 100% certainty that the LHC will:
- Potentially prove or disprove the existence of the Higgs/Boson particle
- Failing that, it will potentially provide further evidence of the existence or non-existence of the Higgs/Boson particle
- Potentially prove or disprove the existence of Tom Cruise's OTVIII super powers
- Failing that, it will almost certainly add credence to, or further diminish, the fluctuating evidence for the existence of the Marcab Confederacy
- Potentially prove or disprove String Theory.
- Failing that, it will potentially add to, or further negate, the evidence supporting the plausibility of String Theory
- Potentially prove or disprove the existence of an 11 dimension multi-verse
- Failing that, it will potentially add to, or further negate, the evidence supporting the existence of an 11 dimension multi-verse
- Potentially prove or disprove the existence of Finland, previously thought to be little more than a frozen food warehouse
Because scientists have been able to make the above predictions with such certainty, they have also (by process of elimination) been able to make the following predictions:
- It will not do anything dangerous ever.
When moronic science-hating hippies confronted the scientists with such outlandish questions as:
- If you're so certain as to what it cannot do, why are you even building it?
- Isn't the whole reason you're running experiments of this nature because you do not know what the outcome will be?
Scientists were quick to respond with their overwhelming knowledge and debating skills:
- NO U!
Thereby concluding the debate and putting to rest any concerns that anyone may have had, or may have in the future.
[edit] How You Can Help
So, there is a relatively low probability that the Large Hadron Collider will destroy our planet, much less the entire universe. Fiddlesticks and fooey! But, you can help! By spreading word about the Large Hadron Collider, and making a big fucking deal of it, and preaching doom and gloom, you can help destroy the world economy! Convince stupid people to take on huge amounts of loan debt, and waste the fuck out of it by May June August 2008.
Here are some ways to suggest that people spend their fleeting fortune:
- Never been to Disney? Spend 5 months there!
- Never fucked a six year old boy? Look out, Thailand!
- Lifelong virgin? Buy a Real Doll. Hell, buy a HAREM of Real Dolls.
- Lifelong virgin, but think Real Dolls are creepy? Buy every Dungeons & Dragons supplement ever!
- Big, fat asshole? Order 20 pizzas every night, and enjoy them while watching Food Network on your wall of 4x4 47-inch LCD TVs!
- Care about your immortal soul? Give all your borrowed money to me, and I'll put in a good word with L. Ron Hubbard/Jesus/Buddha/Muhammed/Marshal Applewhite for you.
Bad credit or no credit? You can still enlist even the lowliest of cretins to hasten the end of human civilization:
- Get AIDS, rape everything.
- Blow up gas stations.
- Shit right in the middle of the goddamned sidewalk.
- Kill celebrities.
- Burn crops.
- Kill a panda to make a fursuit.
- Vote for Ron Paul.
In June August September 2008 when everyone begins to realize that the world hasn't been eaten by a black hole, sell Final Solutions.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
| Large Hadron Collider
| Science Theory
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