Libertarianism
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Libertarianism is a fad political ideology for 13 year old boys. Libertarians, more commonly known as Libertaritards or Lolbertarians, believe that governmental involvement in peoples' lives should be limited as much as possible so libertarians can fuck dogs without being jailed on sodomy laws. Libertarianism has a big crossover with Extropians and Trans-humanists, who think that you can realize Science Fiction ideas like space elevators and self genetic engineering in the near future. Most Libertarians are either 13 year old boys, fratboys who watch South Park, people that want to appear "alternative", or paranoid survivalists living in tiny cabins in Montana, where they stockpile weapons and food for the dreaded day when Big Brother comes 'round tryin' to implant fail chips in their brains.
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[edit] List of Things Libertarians Believe In
- All authority figures are good unless they are called "the government."
- Drugs are good.
- Abortions are bad because they take away the baby's freedoms!
- Social security is bad.
- Federal government is bad, State government is good
- Pedophilia is good.
- Guns are totally good, unless used by the government and it's contractors.
- Homosexuality is good but gay marriage is not good because it'll be legalized by the evil, nasty government.
- The death penalty is bad (but only if it's carried out by the government)
- The free market is the ultimate good.
- People who say they are conservative but are really Republicans are "neocon" liars.
- People who say they are liberal but are really Democrats are "socialist" liars.
- Privatization is good.
- Unions are bad.
- Smoking is good. Tobacco companies are friends.
- Ayn Rand is God (though she hates libertarians, but hey, who doesn't?)
- Somalia is the best country on earth
- The mailman is a government employee and must be gunned down with an AK-47 for setting foot on your property.
- Ron Paul is Jesus, Bob Barr is God.
- Wearing seatbelts is bad.
- Paying taxes is a sin, unless those taxes go in to making video games like America's Army.
- Agnosticism is good because religions and atheism are too altruistic and therefore hamper capitalism.
- The Democrats and Republicans don't have our best interest at heart but conglomorates do!
- The only honorable way to die is in a shootout with the cops.
- Paying taxes to the government is bad. Paying utilities to companies is sexy.
- Traffic lights are bad because they're social engineering.
- Celebration of Furridom
- Worship capitalism as the only freedom loving philosophy but refuse to pay for stuff, because open source is the ONLY way!
- No business would ever desire increased government power. Halliburton who?
- Police do not have the right to stop a parent from killing their kid, but the cops need to be involved when a baby boy is getting circumcized!
- Outlawing spam e-mail is a grave threat to liberty
- The Constitution and the Bill of Rights are infallible, and amendments are bad (especially the 14th and 16th)
- Democracy is evil because America is only a republic!
- The best way to respect individuality is to let those who are useless to society starve to death.
- If you cast a shadow on someone else's lawn, you're trespassing.
- If a plane flies over your house, they're trespassing. (Seriously, look it up).
- It's okay to eat babies so long as they're your own kids.
- Taxation is theft. Charging rent is not.
- The genius of the free market is that both the rich and poor get the choice of paying for expensive health care or dying.
This libertarian hates trees, and probably all life.
[edit] Libertarians and Anarchists
Some argue that anarchists are actually commies who smoke too much weed, and if a Libertarian is hanging out with Anarchists, it's just to buy weed from them. However, most experts agree that libertarians are simply rich, whereas anarchists are all 13 year old boys. Anarchists are socialists or communists who say they don't believe in government and Libertarians are capitalists who say they don't believe in government.
[edit] Libertarianism and Autism
Libertarianism is expected to be included in the next edition of the DSM as a form of autism, as part of a further partitioning of Asperger's Syndrome due to an overwhelming rise in its e-diagnosis. Libertarians share many qualities with the Ass Pies, but differ in the fact that they see themselves as incarnations of Ayn Rand and the characters in her novels, rather than as dragons or elves.
[edit] Typical Libertarian Activities
- Bitching about how fucked up the government is, but doing nothing about it. See also: Hippies
- Complaining about how evil the government is but praising Big Business and preaching that if we just get the mean ole government to leave businesses alone and give our bosses complete freedom that capitalism will create a utopia.
- Majoring in Computer Science.
- Posting on Internet forums.
- Bitching about how much money gets taken out of their paychecks for stupid shit like roads, schools, and feeding hungry children.
- Bitching about how voting is anti-freedom
- Complaining that the new smoking bans and seatbelt laws takes away their freedom.
- Copy-pasting the rants of the craziest televangelists and replacing "Satan" with "the government."
- Jerking off to Heinlein novels.
- Thinking of ways to get back at the "jocks" who picked on them in grade school.
- Acting exactly like the kid from The Catcher in the Rye.
- Having sex with their dogs.
- Being the ranking douchebags of the planet.
- Hanging around this page.
- Crying about how minimum wages and anti-child labor laws are morally wrong and a great threat to freedom.
- Preach personal responsibility but blame others for their shortcomings when things go wrong (Note: This characteristic may also apply to conservatives as much as it does libertarians)
- Post Ron Paul endorsements in every YouTube video they come across
- Having sex with children.
- Using the word "Statist" as an insult
- Privately masturbate to the murder of a government employee while publically denouncing the murder as an initiation of force.
- Brag about how they're a real American because they "own property" e.g. a pickup truck and an acre of land in Oklahoma with a manufactured home on it, but get butthurt and backpedal when you point out to them that both of them are actually owned by the bank they pay money to every month.
- Petition Fleshlight to introduce an Ayn Rand model.
- Moving to Austria for the Austrian Economics.
[edit] Libertarian Mating Habits
Libertarians attract mates by posting all kinds of lame shit about the Illuminati and Masonic conspiracies in conservative forums and blogs, as well as in the IMDb subforums for any movies that have anything to do with politics, as well as positing why the producers of any Gulf War I and II movies hate America.
Libertarians also spend a lot of time pissing and moaning about not being able to get dates, a fact which they attribute to women for being dimwitted, manipulative, self-loathing harlots who dig assholes, because intelligent, emotionally sensitive women would certainly date them otherwise. It couldn't POSSIBLY be that women are generally repulsed by fat, neckbearded chauvinists who spend all their time on the internets arguing about Linux and stroking their own egos (lol, personal responsibility). Closely related to "nice guys", except malcontented and oafish.
[edit] Famous Libertarians
- Mike Lorrey
- Ayn Rand
- Milton Friedman
- Drew Carey
- Jimbo Wales (Which makes no sense, because he founded Wikipedia, the biggest Anarcho-Communist society ever to inhabited entirely by virgins)
- The guys who made South Park
- Anyone who does not understand economics.
- Margaret Thatcher
- Penn & Teller
- anyone who owns a blog about military strategy, how great America is, all the guns they own, how they're going to beat you up, how they're going to beat Muslims up, and South Park, but seems to have an IQ over 100
- anyone who uses the word "individualist" and is not a punk
- anyone with those beady, soul-piercing eyes
- anyone who uses the term "socialism" as a synonym for evil or bad
- anyone who is a fan of Milton Friedman or Robert Nozick
- Weev
- Michael Crichton
- Robert Anton Wilson, but he doesn't count because he's an alien (and dead) and also kind of anarchist
- TheAmazingAtheist, self proclaimed "free thinker."
- Nicholai Madias, a 21 year old who lives with his mom and thinks he's going to rule the world one day. He also has a libertarian website [1] and whenever someone posts something on it he changes it to a love-Nicholai comment.
- Abdul
- Ron Paul
- Augusto Pinochet and his Chicago Boys
- A large portion of /b/ (not surprising considering /b/ likes pedophilia, scat, gay sex, twinks, goatse, tubgirl, horsecock, furries and puke sex)
- People who don't think for themselves and let online political quizzes decide for them.
- Any survivalist, AIDS dissident or 9/11 truther,
[edit] Libertarianism on LiveJournal
There is a LiveJournal community dedicated to libertarianism. Reading it is a lot like fucking a beehive. The community mostly serves as a forum for discussing bestiality and necrophilia.
[edit] Drama-Generating Techniques
You can troll libertarianism in the following ways:
- Suggest that you like the Libertarian Party.
- Agree with any form of taxation.
- Make up elaborate lies about how government interference is directly correlated with general happiness and coke supply, forcing them to do actual work to prove you wrong.
- Propose a law to ban stupid people from breeding and see how many "freedom-lovers" actually agree with you.
- Create a thread titled "DATING TIPS," pretend to be an athletic, attractive, emotionally-sensitive Libertarian with good job security, post a sob-story about not being able to get a girlfriend and watch it grow to over 9000 pages about the naïveté of women and how Libertarians are better lovers.
- Tell them the Internet was invented by the government.
- Be a minority.
- Tell them Ron Paul is a racist and is supported by the KKK.
- Ask them to name a single Libertarian community that worked in the real-world.
- Mention government or 'socialistic' successes and private sector endeavours failures.
- Praise the Labor Theory of Value.
- Argue over libertarianism vs. anarchism.
- Say FDR and Abraham Lincoln were the best US presidents.
- Point out the fact libertarianism is just a type of conservatism
- Ask them why they hate the 16th amendment when they claim to love the Constitution
- Spout conspiracy theories about how Ayn Rand was a soviet double agent or how Thomas Jefferson was trolling when he wrote the declaration of independence. This should actually be pretty easy, as libertarians are known to take to conspiracies faster than MCR to a cock.
- Tell them that Ben Franklin used state money to fund a hospital.
- Tell them you're voting for Bob Barr.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- If you need simple replies to debunk their crap, refer to this non-libertarian FAQ. (Drives them crazy.)
- average libertarians
