Londonistan
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Once upon a time, Londonistan had its own King for Life, Red "Ken" Livingstone (who demanded a king's ransom if you wanted to drive a car in Central London). He was, however, deposed in May '08 by a man named "Boris". If the name didn't give it away, this Boris' complete inability to speak comprehensible English confirms that Londonistan is now officially governed by the Russian mafia and stinking rich Soviet oligarchs on the lam from Vladimir Putin and the re-emergence of Communism back home. With their suitcases stuffed with Roubles, they have managed to buy up all the good real estate including every football team in the city.
From swanky Kensington Bath Houses they lord it over a population consisting entirely of pigeons, Chav Desis and angry, radical Islamo-Fascists banhammered by every other country in the world.
Contents |
Geography
A huge, sprawling metropolis, Londonistan is split into four main districts each with their own distinct flavor: North (footballers and broke Jews), East (ignorant, racist muslims and desis), West (the stinking rich), and South Londonistan (the property of Jamaica) which - since it's on the completely wrong side of the River Thames - doesn't really count as Londonistan.
Londonstanis do not play well together so if you're actually relocating there for work or school, be prepared to assume the appropriate attitude adjustment when moving between neighborhoods. Make sure you find out which race, class and football team you're supposed to hate and the correct epithets for them before venturing forth.
Economy
Londonistan's black economy relies mostly on imported Eastern European prostitutes, Afghani heroin, Columbian cocaine, Dutch weed and West African benefit scammers. Strangely for such a multi-cultural industry it is still controlled mostly by ethnic Londoners.
In recent years, it has also become the world's leading source of culture, thankfully Pete Doherty has dissapeared back into the east london squat party, after being photo'd by The Sun injecting a teenage fan with heroin. He claimed he “It’s a staged shot and what a f***ing liberty to suggest I’d bang up a sleeping lass."
However no-one believed him and baby shambles only had one good song anyway. Sorry Pete, modern 24 hour news demands that you need to be a musical genius, in order for the old media to forget that your a drug field.
Similarly Amy Whitehouse got outed for cocaine, which is clearly far classier that smoking crack, which is why she went to rehab again her jew dad Mitch bitched about her arsehole husband Blake Fielder Civil, who was imprisoned in Pentonville ( for trying to bribe a pub landlord into dropping assault charges. with Jonathan Michael Dale [1] who alleges Civil was seen as soft target and was forced to sell naked pictures of Amy.)
Terrorisms
While it is true that most of the Islamic terrorists have British passports because that made it easier for them to enter the US, due to its blatantly racist Visa immigration policy and the 'merican assumption that all British people are white when the truth is Muhammad is now second only to Jack as the most popular name for baby boys in Britain and is likely to rise to No 1 by next year. But Muslim extremists in the UK are primarily funded by Wahhabi Saudi Arabian Sovereign fund, which er... is funded directly by selling oil to America.
Loony 'radical clerics' such as;
- Omar Bakri Mohammed, (whos daughter became a pole-dancer) Arrived in the UK as an asylum seeker but was then b& by then home secretary Charles Clarke, (who also b& his fanclub Al-Muhajiroun.) from coming back and he chose to settle in Lebanon because he thought it an agreeable country, a halfway house between the West and the more medieval Islamic states. It was also one of the few places that would have him.
Bakri promptly left for Lebanon, but the good sheikh didn't seem to want to stay in Beirut while the Israeli's were using it for target practice and so begged the British government to airlift him out of danger, (so he could be with his children and wife/s (btw hes a polytheist) (er do you mean polygamist?) .
- Abu Hamza al-Masri, who looks like a bond villian after loosing both hands and an eye in afganistan have been convincing, mostly mentally ill Pakistanis fanbois to an hero which is pretty lulzy as its his freedom of speach to call for caliphate in london, and is not treason.
- The home of the "Shoe Bomber", Richard Reid (who invented you taking your shoes off to get on a plane for the rest of your life).
- The homes of the Gatorade Bombers, (who invented you having to check all your bags, buy overpriced airline food & water and read Skymall on every flight you will ever take).
more terrorisms
But Britain is no stranger to danger, 30 years ago The IRA held fundraisers in America
and sympathisers made donations to a political fighting fund that then got diverted to weapons purchases. In fact the Royal Ulster Constabulary (RUC) has already seized 700 modern weapons from the IRA, including 2 tonnes of high explosive and 157,000 rounds of ammunition, most of which were US made.
The IRA and its splinters have attacked london 28 times in 25 years, the most lulzy being in 2000 when a lone gun man fired a RPG-7 at the MI5 building and broke a window...
Language
Londonistan is one of the world's most cosmopolitan cities and as such, you'll find many languages spoken here. English isn't one of them. The closest thing you'll find to the Queen's English is Cockney, (better known to Americans as "Gordon the Gecko" talk) and the whole point of Cockney is to not be understood - as in Cockney Rhyming Slang.
Example
In the below example, the two gentlemen are in a pub and are about to order some drinks.
- Bloke: "Init about time you got the Britneys in, you fuckin dustbin lid?
- Geezer: "I'm boracic mate. And if you don button yer north and south pdq I'll kick you in the cobblers."
- Fella: "
Here...
- Britneys = Britney Spears = beers
- Dustbin lid = yid = jew = cheap bastard
- Boracic = boracic lint = skint = broke
- North and south = mouth
- Cobblers = cobblers awls = balls
Sadly, even Cockney seems to be dying out as talking in Arabic is now the official language of Londonistan.
Tourism Highlights
- Pigeon shit covered statues of people and things now unidentifiable.
- Trafalgar Square -enjoy the soothing pitter-patter of these adorable flying rats all over you as you lunch in Trafalgar Square. NOT ANY MOAR!! They shot all pidgeons and now have a man who has a hawk that scares the shit out of pideons.
- The Tube -an exciting, high-adrenalin, underground, exploding roller-coaster ride of doom. Londoners stand sandwiched (in suffocating heat and stench) between sexual Predators, Nigras and shifty-eyed Jews.
- Being beaten up by Chavs who lurk outside of every McDonald's looking for "fags" (cigarettes) and "change" (Any amount of money under £1).
- Authentic public executions of Brazillian immigrants by authentic Scotland Yard "Bobbies".
- Experience an authentic Londonistan Happy Slapping courtesy of roving gangs of slappers with attitude. Your souvenir video can be found on YouTube within one business day.
- Football matches -London has roughly 25 football (soccer) teams with enthusiastic fans. Wear an Arsenal shirt to a Chelsea home game for a real taste of the friendly rivalry and lively nature of the home team's fans.
- Being on "the telly" -one of over 9000 (a half million if you're counting) CCTV cameras will have you under surveillance from the second you set foot on a Londonistan street until you leave.
- Getting lost. Finding your way around Londonistan is a great way to spend a good 3/4 of your vacation. An indecipherable maze of streets, lanes, roads, drives, crescents, avenues and traffic circles that go randomly hither and yon, you'll have hours of fun trying to figure out how to get from A to Z.
- Walking Tours -on any given weekend, you'll find a protest march in Londonistan. You'll only need to do this once though since every protest on every weekend is about getting the Jews out of Palestine.
- A night on the town (followed by breakfast in jail) with Pete Doherty -a thrill-packed evening of meeting every drug dealer and seeing every crack house in Londonistan from the back seat of a stolen car with drunken druggy Potty Pete as your driver and guide.
- Brixton Market -a slice of Jamaican heaven in South London. A "must see" for whitey.
- Beckingham Palace -the vacated home of King David Beckham and Queen Posh Spice.
- Dogshit Paridise -birthplace of EDiot ODB.
- Number 10, Downing Street -the official house of George Bush's BFF, now Gordon Brown, a tight-arsed Scot.
Getting Around
You have several choices in getting around Londonistan, from the famous Tube, to the inimitable Londonistan taxi ride, to the double decker bus to driving yourself.
The London Underground
The London Underground -or, more commonly, The Tube (pronounced "choob") is a marvel of industrial engineering that transports roughly 3 million grumpy Londonstanis to their crap jobs per-day. However, in reality The Tube is a transportational nightmare; the equivalent of being stuffed head first into a sardine can and sent careening down ancient, poorly maintained tunnels (including many built under the River Thames at least 200 years ago) at speeds that would challenge a test-pilot's mettle. The trains and stations (or "stops") themselves are claustrophobic, dilapidated, smell of urine and usually contain violent, drunken gangs of football hooligans who will beat you senseless for looking their way.
Most "stops" also come with the obligatory "busker" -an underground 'street musician' who you have to pay to stop your ears bleeding- in the creepy tunnels to the train platforms where you'll then find schizophrenic tramps who call you 'Lisa' and tell you all about what they had for breakfast.
However, since the Transport & General Workers Union are prone to strike for as little as an extra 30 seconds on their tea break, you may as well forget about the train since this renders such things as train timetables pointless and since the London Underground map you'd need to navigate the myriad tubes of the system is actually a picture of a plate of spaghetti, you'd best take a taxi or the bus.
London Underground in song.
Taxi
Licensed taxi drivers are recognizable by their classic black taxis. These gents are well versed in getting around Londonistan's complex layout having taken a test called The Knowledge. However, they really appreciate being alerted to new routes to destinations by passengers, especially if you are eating a take-out curry in the back of the cab at the time. When you find yourself dropped off in the middle of nowhere , you'll easily find a "gypsy cab", identifiable by the pungent aroma of body odor and a driver who doesn't speak English.
Bus
Buses in London are run by a Zionist monopoly known popularly as Arriva.
(A monopoly is a Jewish concept where only Jews get paid and that the service or product provided can be totally shit. However, the purveyors get away with it at the prices they choose without complaint because there are no other options and because the English don't like to complain).
This is proof: On London buses you may actually be asked to get off the bus in the event of a traffic jam without reimbursement. The empty bus will move to the next stop and take on fresh passengers who will all pay new fares, as shall you if you board the bus again. In effect paying your fare does not result in any contractual duty to Arriva and it servants and agents. This actually happens.
All bus drivers are miserable, petty, little men and women. They have eyeballs that continuously roll around into the back of their heads. London bus drivers speed up at pelican crossings when lights are green because they get paid leave for hitting people. It is standard bus driver practice to stop the bus you're on at a random bus stop, tell you the bus is now out of service and kick everyone off. Good luck with that.
The passengers on board the buses dig their faces into newspapers and avoid making any eye contact or conversation with fellow passengers. Each Londonstani thinks himself to be too enlightened to entertain others.
As a further note to prospective passengers, your bendy bus may catch fire, be struck because the bloody driver didn't use his mirrors or plow into other motorists in rush-hour traffic. Your fare will not be replaced should this occur, and you will be required to fill out 15 stacks of Health and Safety forms, be given counseling and a tinfoil blanket before you can catch your next bus.
Muslim passengers working for the MI6 now regularly check their backpacks. Two Muslim MI6 operatives who blew up thought they were just running errands for 10 Downing Street. But now they are learning.
Driving Yourself
Driving around London is practically suicide as the rules are:
- Being pushed into the nearest building in the vicinity by a white van man
- Having a high speed collision at 1mph
- Never being able to go above 1mph due to speed cameras and radar vans
- Going above 20mph in any suburban/council area
- Constant traffic jams and motorway closures because someone's wing mirror fell off
- Cocks in
BMWAudis on the M1 right on your rear end - One-way streets, "Lane closed to ease congestion" and "Bus-Only" lanes
- Bicyclists mowing down pedestrians causing traffic jams
- Roundabouts you WILL NEVER get out of.
- Congestion Charge! - Call a number, and if you're in a rental car, hope you've memorized your number (license) plate. Pay a fat woman a few pounds to sit in traffic. Yes, pay the government to idle your car in traffic IT caused!
Parking alone in London drives most citizens to madness, tourists who've lived in New York City call it "Fucking impossible". With most spaces being sized for cars the size of side tables, a standard hatchback or mini-hatch finds itself hard-pressed to park in London. Some spaces are large enough for cars, but require you to call a special automated system to pay for parking with a Credit card ONLY. If you manage to take on the incomprehensible maze of voice-spoken-only menus, you will be asked to "describe the color of your vehicle". The system records so quickly, a majority of the colors end up being "Uhhhhhhh".
7/7 Bombings
The Underground is despised so much that even people who don't even live in London hate it so intensely that they travel in from hundreds of miles 'up-north' to blow it up; as is what happened on 7/7/2005. The four IRL fucktard trolls who did the bombing, Mohammad Sidique Khan, Shehzad Tanweer, Germaine Lindsay, You and Hasib Hussain were all apparently "Muslim" terrorists who committed an act of unbelievable violence in protest against the Iraq War. Nothing of the sort was true. The 7/7 bombings show that there is always a small minority of people prepared to do anything to vandalize the London Underground, even if it means blowing themselves and other innocent bystanders to pieces. Unless people confront the minority of psycho-trolls that seem to exist everywhere you go and how rubbish the Underground is there will never be peace.
Uh oh! Jews did London?
An eyewitness has published a book claiming that the entire bombing episode was as staged as an episode of Coronation Street. But since the eyewitness is a person of color, most Londonstanis don't really care. The 4th Bomb by Daniel Obachike
inside job, motherfucker
According to infowars, just like 9/11, the government was doing a training exercise at the same building, at the same time as the 'real' terrorist attack happened. Theirs also about a million other things wrong with this crappy cover up to scare people into accepting ID cards, less freedom and all that other stuff George Carlin talks about.
"Londonistan" The Book
A book by Melanie Phillips rushed out after 7/7. Is it possible to be a troll without knowing that you're a troll? Melanie Phillips doesn't like the Muslims and has called for the Re-Christianisation of Europe. It's funny, like a trainwreck is funny or shouting racial epithets; with or without people listening.
All Muslims are killers. You can help by tearing off their veils in the street and filming it on your mobile phone.
Recreational Fun
EDitors note: This section was originally written with a typical London accent, probably by a hoodie or a chav. To give this article a more local feel, it will continue to be written in such a manner, though it has been edited for readibility.
- Having your son being kidnapped by gangstas and having to work for them to get him back
- Stealing a Seat Leon and going for a joyride to Leeds
- Getting a job as a metro bobby and getting stabbed 10 times, shot 5 and being run over by a crackhead, all on the course of your first training day!
- Do what the locals do! Get pissed and getting done for drunk driving, GBH, assault, indecent exposure, rape, murder, manslaughter, affray, public outrage, public disorder, mugging, dogging, stealing and more stuff.
- Sniff glue over dose on water and use crisp packets as condoms
Famous Londonstanis
Londonistan (formerly London) is the capital city of England and the United Kingdom as a whole -at least in the minds of elitist Londonstanis, most of whom think that there is nothing else outside of Londonistan. Many also consider it to be the capital of the Eurabian Union.
- The Queen
- OldDirtyBtard
- Margaret Thatcher
- Gordon Brown
-
Posh Spice(gone to Bel Air). - Guy Fawkes
- Pete Doherty & Amy Winehouse (same-same...only different)
- Jack The Ripper
-
Lily Allen(also gone to bel air) - Mary Poppins
- Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace
- Paddington Bear
- EastEnders
- Max Gogarty
- David Mudkips
