Maine

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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Maine is made of lobsters (niggers of the sea) and fail. Also, cows, dead cows, moose and flannel jackets and Portland, small city not to be confused with Portland. No one really lives here aside from cows and a ton of old people who couldn't afford Boston. Basically it's Alaska for the east coast. Maine is fucking cold in the winter and fucking hot in the summer, and there is no point to ever going there... EVER. The video game Resident Evil 4 Is based off the book "Escape from Maine"

More About Maine

Maine's chief export is Lobster Logging and Marijuana. Lobster, which is not unlike a cockroach that lives at the bottom of the ocean. Lobster is shipped to fine restaurants across the world to feed social elites and rich people everywhere. It is not quite understood why these people eat lobster, as it tastes and smells like 3-day old moldy diarrhea. Maine also has a worse economy than Darfur but Governer Baldy collects taxes like everyone is Bill Gates. Their second largest export is logs, closely followed by dead cows, moose, and dead tourists.

Maine Natives

While Maine is mostly a backwards state of the Americunts, it varies greatly on location. Up north is Aroostok County. Its basically a dead version of Ireland on shitty date rape drugs. These people are obsessed with potatoes more than Sam from Lord Of The Rings. The capital is Augusta and it overly attempts to look like Washington D.C. Augusta is also known as the ass-hole of Maine because its filled with wannabe politicians and French people who act black and sell heroin. Lewiston is half an hour down the pike from Augusta and it has even more French people who act black and sell heroin without middle class jobs paid for by lobster taxes. Across a Bridge from Lewiston is Auburn. Less shitty than Lewiston, but full of fucking Somalians. Its an okay town and the kids are cool but most of us are stoners with fucking dumbass drunk parents. A little less North is Yarmouth. It's like a little version of Massachusetts Suburbs, the only difference being they worship the clam as a religion instead of tennis or the Red Sox. Maine is bordered by Canada, and a frozen body of water that never goes above 3 degrees and is known as the ocean. On the ocean is Portland. To live in Portland you must either smell really bad and work on a boat, or be a star bucks obsessed office worker. If you know an office worker in Portland then chances are you'll suddenly become tech-savvy. Farther south still is the small town of Windham (More commonly known as WIndumb, and Windamn). Windham is like a cheap ass version of Portland combined with NY and yarmouth. Windham has a couple thousand citizens. People in Windham like to go tourist hunting on almost a daily basis. Down East Maine is a mythical land near Canada where nobody pronounces Rs and they hate Indians. In down east Maine they have the thickest, most disturbing Mainer accent. Ironically they also like to fap off to thick and disturbing things. Down East Maine has recently become the Incest capital of the world beating Germany by a land slide. Most Mainers tend to think they are gangsta rolling around in their jacked-up rusty F150s and doing burnouts at every fucking light. They have no sense of reality either. Sometimes during hunting season, hunters get lost and die or disappear because they run into "lost Maine tribes" of colonists much like the movie The Village. Many people have gone missing recently only to have their bones being sold on eBay as well as personal items. IT ARE A FACT.

Anon guarantees your safety.

Rants about Maine

One of Mainers favorite things to do, is to argue about which of their towns are the worst. In all reality they hate all of Maine. The only people who actually like Maine, are tourists or idiots from Massachusetts (Dubbed by Mainers as "Mass-Holes." This clearly demonstrates Mainers abilities for thinking and originality). WARNING: The following sections were written by Mainers. They are rants about how much their town sucks. This is a normal Mainer activity that occurs on a daily basis.

Bangor

Bangor is a city that attempts to be far much bigger than Portland that has recently banned the smoking in cars with children under the age of 18. Some argue that Bangor is the first city to do this in the country. This has caused many lulzworthy incidents in police officers pulling people over and ticketing drivers $50 for smoking in their own car. This is also the hometown of BALDACCI and other wannabe politicians. Some argue that Bangor may not become the next Boston, as even a blind man can see that the only expansion Bangor has seen is the increase of African Americans attending area colleges and homeless rate caused by the local casino. Most Bangwhorians like the smell of their own shit, and are overjoyed a new Hollister store is opening in the only mall in Maine. As if anyone who shops in any of the stores in the Bangor Mall, knows what real fashion is.

Booth Bay Hahbah

Nigras spawn here, be very careful, in fact, it is like the Alabama of the North in many ways. The people are black/white trash/uneducated/NASCAR fans. Be sure to go to The Lobster Dock and get some good ass crabcakes. Lots of asians are tourists here.

Thomaston

As arguably the crappiest town in Maine, Thomaston doubles as the place to go if you want to lay up on prescription drugs for months at a time and one of the few towns lucky enough to be situated in the STD Capital of America, Knox County. Feel free to get piss drunk in the middle of the day and walk around, as the locals generally are too busy wanking it to realize that the 5'8 minor is stumbling around like a drunken monkey and is riding his skateboard upside down. Don't ride your bike through the baseball field unless you feel like running over a hypodermic needle and falling face down on a used condom. "An Hero's" are very common in Thomaston, and many have reported that they "Did it for the Lulz." Most just laugh at the stupid Emo, and some have also reported bystanders accusing the emo tard during his last seconds of wasting his cyanide. At one time, it was rumored that the Jewfro controlled all of Thomastons local Newspapers, however this was disregarded as it was soon uncovered that Jewfro looks like Ronald Mcdonald and he interestingly enough makes a kick ass burger, but may sometimes add a little more special sauce than you asked for.

Thomaston is also home of the magical fried kitty.A magical superhero in many people's eyes(That remarkably enough are usually on the floor after seeing this magnificent cat).The fried kitty gained his powers when one day he fell into a shrimp scampi(lulz).This cat is really only a god to the townsfolk and does not really exist and so unless your a mainah' stfu and stop reading this section.If you decide to continue reading then you should also know that this cat was once at war with the call of duty fish(see below)....and lost.....miserably...lulz

When you aren't busy huffing paint or paying 1.50 for a single cigarette, like most of the minors in Thomaston do, after all, they live in Maine, what else are they supposed to do? Get a License and take Route 1 South till they reach the end of the quarantine zone, take a chemical shower, and are reeducated so that they can more easily integrate into the not so incest and bestiality possesed people's of "Outland" as it is known in Maine, known to the outside world as "New Jersey." That's not to say that New Jersey is better than Maine, but to say that aside from Maine, New Jersey is the shittiest state in the Union, thereby making Maine worse than New Jersey, meaning we no longer count it as a state but a desolate wasteland of goat sodomy and Pot Bellied, Brandy drinking harbor whores. Remember, Lee recommends Harbor Whores for fixing broken condoms!

However you cannot ignore all of the white "niggah's" living in the area.These people are in fact not "niggah's" at all but some kind of white trash, pot smokin, gangsta wannabie, narutaw lovin' dumbfucks.Unfortunatly there is no way to avoid these spawns of satan and therefore you must either A.shoot them in the face B.give them a cyanide pill saying it's oxy-80 or something or C.Tell them your in the KKK(they think they're black so they will end up running away).

Try not to look in the eyes of the local children, as you may burst into flames upon eye contact, due to the unusually high level of "WTF," Paxil, and "lulz" wrapped into one 4'2 larvae, which will one day cocoon, and turn into a fisherman or a harbor hog, depending upon sex. Speaking of sex, if your in Maine, you'll be up to your knee's in pussy. Too bad most of it smells vastly like the ass end of a rotten anchovie, which if you happen to have been born in Maine and your family has lived there for more than three generations, will be recognized immediately and relished, as true Mainer's release a strong fishy scent to denote their mating period, which is year round, bad news if your allergic to tuna.

During the Winter, the Townsfolk like to congregate on the track behind Georges Valley Highschool, and commence to summon Odin, Pagen God of War, and all around party animal. After the sacrafice of one of the many virgin bitch, everyone in the town proceeds to take part in a roman styled orgy, and after wards they all look upon the incredibly disgusted God of War, whom offers a blessing to each of those whom took part in the event. After wards, the townspeople receive medals on their achievements, such as who had the largest Goatse in diameter, or whom did the most felching in the least amount of time. Before Odin takes his leave, he offers a final word of advice to the people of the town. This year his wisdom was forever immortalized, as his words spoke to all generations.

Odin, Pagan God of War - 2007

“	"Why haven't you people left this emo bullshit state yet? Aren't you tired of living in the state with one of the highest property taxes in the nation? Aren't you pissed off that the shitty state legislature won't let you smoke in the car if you have a kid inside with you, even with the window cracked? Aren't you pissed off that your children all have genital warts because you forgot to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend to use protection? Why would you remain in a state where the sheep get nervous when the farmer puts his boots on? Have you even considered that using that thick, bullshit accent you people wield with such such disgrace is probably making your penis smaller with every mispronounced consonant, with every r replaced with ah? You would do well to leave before you contract super ghonerea from your mom you sick fuck, lest my legion of the undead drive you into the sea the next time I am summoned."	„

Plans for next years Winter festival have already begun, and next year there will be a watersports competition, as well as which harbor hog can take the most penis in their fat flabs.

Biddeford

South of everything else fucking mentioned so far, in the very southern chunk of Maine, is what many people know as the Tri-Town Area, which consists of Biddeford, Saco, and Old Orchard Beach. Biddeford is arguably the shittiest town in Maine according to over 9000 people, thus beating Thomaston, the town which not even 100 people have heard of.If you've seen the movie The Hills Have Eyes or Goatse, this place will look very familiar. The population here consists of way too many mutagenically-altered humanoid creatures who should have figured out that the chemical and waste incineration silo in the middle of their town was not a giant bong, amirite? It also consists of a single black family, all of which suck dick for foodstamps, and a bunch of wigger kids who think they're a mix of azn and black. Biddeford has at least 100 different drug dealers on every street corner, as is required by city regulations. The only reason tourists end up here is because they're trying to pass through it, either going north or going to Saco/OOB, which in understandable because at least the other two are clean; just walking around Biddeford, you will always smell cigarettes and beer, and the strong smell of unfiltered shit from hundreds of years ago coming from the manholes. Mardens (see below) is actually located here. One of the most infamous things about Biddeford is Bacon Street, a big neighbornhood (calling it a ghetto wouldn't work as the entire city is pretty much a ghetto) where welfare moms stand on street corners and beat their wigger kids while giving the cops blowjobs. Said wigger kids roam around shooting each other with cap guns and smoking weed. All of this happens even though the City Hall and Police Station are right at the other end of the street. Another thing is that there is ALWAYS (I shit you not) a cop car posted out on Bacon Street watching everybody, due to the amounts of "gang-related violence" that occurs there.There are two main gangs in Biddeford, although they're moar like LARPers than gangs. One is Section 8 (I shit you not, that is the actual gang name) who's territory is Bacon Street. The other group is called the Street Kings, whos members include your average dumbass wigger with a mix of faggotry and felching. These kids are so pathetic it's like while they were young, their mothers would save the cum they got from giving head and bring it back home, vomiting it into their kids mouths the same way a bird would feed their offspring. This would allow them to follow their course of metamorphosis into the walking turds that they are.

Saco/OOB

There's nothing much to say about these two other towns. Saco is across a bridge from Biddeford and Old Orchard Beach latches onto the ass end of Saco, thus successfully creating a hideous orgy of populations. Saco is like, that nicer town that's only there to warn and prevent you from entering the wasteland next door. However, it might be hard for you to actually get their warnings because the people here are too busy arguing about little misfortunes in life, while the teenagers are crying about the fact that their parents didn't buy them the right color fucking car, and other things only 16 year-old girls would cry about.Besides bitching about everything, Saco kids tend to be obsessed with looking themselves in the mirror and making sure everything is perfect. This is speculated to be due to the fact that they worry too much about morphing into something hideous from Biddeford, simply because they believe they're poor now that they got only 99 out of 100 expensive things on their daily wish list. They're spoiled, classless little fucking brats who range from goody two-shoes to HxC-wannabes. It's a good thing Anonymous wasn't aware of them or else they'd have gotten there asses totally slaughtered by now.There's nothing to really say about OOB that differs from Saco except that the kids aren't as rich but still bitch as much, and the highschool there sucks so bad only 200 kids go and even then they constantly try to scam their way into Saco, or shoot themselves up with heroin to forget everything.

Awesome people in Maine

The most important thing about Maine would be the people... At least two people anyways. Jew Fro would be the coolest person in Maine. Jew Fro lives in the shittiest town in Maine, Thomaston. Thomaston is a very shitty town to live in as said in the section above. T's house would be the coolest place to hang out. Everything about Maine is shitty... like the niggers. Sand Niggers you can see a lot of them in Maine. Sand Nigger capital of the of the United States. Blax a cool guy. One eye this is a guy that likes to walk around in Rockland(east of Thomaston) and abduct women and small children. Manwhore lives in Lewiston and attempts to get with literally EVERY girl he meets, not that it works. (last year Manwhore gave Oneye away as a present to girls...oneeye doesnt really abduct people. He just...listens and wants to gouge his ears out...possible highschool drop out in his future) Warren, a town very close to Thomaston, is full of dead beat fathers whom neglect to pay their 10$ in child support a month, and the children from the village none of whom are awesome, but are in fact emo losers, obviously neglected by both their parents and god. There is possibly one highlight from Warren, a random out of stater whom goes by Lee. Lee has also been sighted in Thomaston, parts of Lincoln County, and pulling out of your mother after giving her a creampie for YOUR birthday. Jewfro and Lee are rarely spotted together, except at T's, where they spend there time being better than you and not giving a damn. Lucifer is often seen in Thomaston, however she has no intentions on corrupting the innocent in Thomaston. When asked why, she explains "Why waste my time? This place is already Hell." Meep! lives in Maine sometimes. NIGGERWUT, the most awesome person to have edited this artical so far, has been spotted in Saco, and sometimes on various expeditions through Biddeford in an attempt to find a cure for their fugliness.

Would be An-Hero's in Maine

Weaboo fags are hard to find in Knox County, however there are many small sects of Naruto fans, and the few generate much Lulz, as seen in the popularity among said Weaboo's to wear 30$ Naruto Knock-off headbands and spend their time fapping to Pokepr0n. When asked to comment on this, Lee has said simply

“	"Wtf do I care? I make the fucking headbands out of used underwear bands from the salvation army, and throw any random shit on them and call it a Magic-jutsu headband or some shit, and sell 'em to them. Sometimes I'll make trades when they don't have cash, one kid even stole his mother's white gold ring with six diamonds from Viet'Naam and traded it to me for one. I can't believe those fags would pay so much for a shitty headband, I guess they need it to soak up the sweat from fapping to the latest Saske & Naruto yaoi."	„

Call of Duty fish

This fish calls only Maine its home. It feeds off of little tourist children, and once every ten or so years the giant fish of Duty comes out of the water carrying a chain gun, with an extremely long ammo belt to shoot the tourists down in honor of tourist season. primarily found in knox county, mostly in Rockland, and Thomaston. Legend has it because the original Native Mainers summoned it to kill off the white men, who then took over the area that is now Maine. If you weren't born in Maine stay as far away as you can during summer months, or you will be sacrificed.

True Mainers

They are the southerners of the north.

Maine Accent

The most common mistake people make when going to Maine is that the accent is like that of Massachusetts. They were wrong. The Maine Accent consists of lost of swearing, and replacing the r sound in words like far, car, park, parked, ect, ect with the ah sound. So now insted of far its fah, and cah, pahk, pahked, ect. Mainers also use wicked in front of all adjectives, and say da instead of the. Mainers are actually all German, hence the crappy english.

Casino

Bangor now has a casino. Well not a real one since Maine won't allow them to have poker or roulette or other kinds of table games. But it has slot machines and it pisses everyone off that Maine has allowed this crap! Let alone that Indian tribes have not been allowed any slot machines or a casino in the state and some say it's racism. Some also say that the people wanted slots in Bangor, and that the building looks horrible, despite probably being the best looking building the city or the state has seen in a long time. ITS A GODDAMN BLIGHT!

However some argue that the casino is a good thing, and here are some of their comments from Maine's only newspaper The Bangor Daily News:

“	The slots is a terrible thing to have in Bangor. Gambling is notoriously addictive, and it plays to the poorest. Just look at the lottery check-outs, it is always those who can ill afford it standing in line buying the tickets. When the state makes money off gambling it lends respectablity to an industry historically steeped in crime. I think we should ask ourselves why most states now promote gambling as a source of income, and where it leads? It is just an easy way to get something for nothing. Do we ever? What's the pay-off? Crime, violence, prostitution and drug cartels always gravitate to areas where gambling is legal, because so much money is being thrown around. What message does it give to citizens? Gambling as a way of life, is just fine. We know it leads to crime and many people can't control their urges to gamble, but we need the money.	„
—Rev. G

“	Should've been built by the Tribes. No wonder the move for sovereignty in a State that approves white execs of Penn National to build this, but denies our own Native American residents the opportunity to do so. What a backwards world and people actually have the audacity to say things about the Natives always whining about racism. If this isn't the most blatant form of it, I am not sure what is. There has to be something that can legally be done about the whole issue at the Federal level. I am white and feel like taking the State of Maine to court over it!	„
—get it done of downeast, ME

“	It's a shame how ugly the buidling turned out. Nothing matches and if you view it from the Brewer side or from the river, it looks more like a prison. I hate the fact that the parking garage is the focal point. The building looks dated and bland.	„
—Dan of bangor, ME

“	I'm sorry, but I think Hollywood slots is a bad idea for Maine. It draws the wrong type of crowds, it causes addiction problems for some, it does not help poor families who need to save their money rather then hope they win a big game. Right now people are struggling just to buy gas for their car and food, the last thing we need right now is a slot business. I'm ashamed we have this in our area now. To me, it is not part of Maine history or what we'd hope to convey to tourists. :(	„
—Kaylan of Corinna, ME

Mardens

Mainers are also proud of their only department store, where all Mainers have shopped at. Marden's is yet again another lulzworthy point of Maine. You can often find books, computer games, electronics, and other goods from hurricane-tornado-flood and out-of-business stores from the 90s. Be careful upon entering any Marden's especially the one in Waterville which was formerly a Wal-Mart and even sports a Marden's Rockin' Diner, as this woman will appear and ask if daddy will be surprised, and wonder what a cutting disk is.

Be Like A Mainer

Every time you say ar, er, ir etc. Stop. Replace with ah. For example: Traditional way: Park the car in the yard behind the barn. Mainah way: Pahk the cah in da bahn behind da yahd.
Don't say the. Be German say da. Cause Mainers aren't really Americans.
say wicked in front of every word ever, for example: "Thats wicked awesome!", "daddy just got his wicked penis and raped me up the ass", "wicked lulz" etc...
Learn to swear. A LOT. For example: "Fuckin A, dudeguy, I'm gonna slap you sillay foh stickin ya dick in my woman's shithole."
Smack your mother because she gave genital warts to an Italian and then blamed him for giving to her. She wasn't lying, he gave it to her alright.
Leave your door unlocked.
Buy a shotgun.
Get a truck run it till its dead on a second hand motor you've replaced 10 times.
Smoke marijuana, drop out of high school.
Get fat. Seriously get a beer belly.
Find a career in the logging company.
Wait for your life to end.
Be shocked and awed at neon lights.
Go to Hollister, and pretend that you're on the West Coast.
Pretend you're black and sell heroin.
Run over Stephen King with a minivan
Run over a moose with a dodge neon amirirte?!
If you are a total fuckwit steal shit from cars and sell it for weed money, but you wont get in trouble because maine police are fucking retarded

Things to do in Maine

Nothing
Watch a bear shit in the woods
Dialup the internets
Sell antiques, pictures, and other fine goods on eBay
Drink, fight and fuck pinecones
Sexual relations with co-workers in previous logging company
Get high, look at tree, repeat.
Sex with a tree, or a pinecone (Maine's state flower)
Suicide
Argue about which town in Maine is the worst.
Hunt tourists
Worship Maine politicians, Red Sox, Lobsters, and Trees
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