Mall
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The overcommercialized center of American culture. In the never-ending quest to come up with the new and novel for the MTV watchers, mall stores often raid subcultures on the margins of pop culture for fashion for the normals. Grunge listeners spent hours scouring thrift stores for flannel shirts and dirty jeans, for example, but when "Teen Spirit" hit the airwaves every kid in middle America had the perfect grunge uniform at their local Hot Topic for half the inconvenience and ten times the cost.
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What Is a Mall?
Malls are large intricate mazes that were originally intended to provide the public a convenient area to buy random crap at high prices. For a while, around 20 years ago malls were pretty 'bitchin. It allowed white Americans to go buy an Atari, then make fun of niggers, then buy some anti-communist propaganda T-Shirts, then make fun of niggers, then listen to some pop diva sing her one-hit wonder, make fun of niggers, waste more of your money on an arcade game, then make fun of niggers while you play the arcade game, then throw what little money you have left in a fountain, and finish off the day with a refreshing can of making fun of niggers. However, somewhere along the line things went horribly wrong...
Why Malls Became Shit
Eventually youngsters found out about the magic of the shopping meccas. But they had a problem, they couldn't keep their money in their pockets like they couldn't keep their virginity! This gave people of higher intelligence an idea. And so the modern-day malls were created, full of shit stores that focus on hypnotizing 16 year old girls with flashy ads, shitty music, and even shittier clothes. Hell, most teenagers are so broke now that they simply go to malls to "hang out". Or, if they're teenage girls in relationships they simply get their boyfriends to buy random crap for them.
- Fun Fact: Malls are directly responsible for the creation of scene kids.
One of two things can cause a mall to go head long in to utter crap.
1.The ghetto grows into walking distance of said mall. 2.Public transportation puts numerous stops around a mall.
This will and has killed many malls (loss or win?) The symptoms include one or more of the following.
- Every recognizable name-brand store is closed.
- The mall is mostly a mix of white-trash, beaners, and da blacks.
- Stores appear aimed at white-trash, beaners, and blacks.
- Even cheap clothing stores go out of business.
- One or more shooting/murders are committed on mall grounds.
- Book stores close in favor of a Lidz or Urban Knowledge store.
- GameStop is absent from the mall.
Social Reference
- Butthead: Where do these guys get those clothes?
- Beavis: Probably at that rock store at the mall.
A thirty minute trip to the Gap will make you scene by just buying the clothes from the mannequin in your size. Nordstrom is even planning a entirely new department specifically for furries. Although it wont sell clothes, it will be for catching and reprogramming them to a normal life style (Many debate if this is in fact possible.)
Mall Security Guards
It is important to remember that these fine, upstanding protectors of the shopping experience have less rights than you do, and should be ignored as such. If they say something to you, listen, and if their statement is bullshit turn away. The only power they have is of a phone, and the real police will have to come in. Most of the time they will side with you, not jolly fat old Stanley P. Kachawski, Mall Guard. Most mall guards suffer from USI and couldn't pass police academy, and are the laughing stock of the law enforcement community. Should a mall guard accost you, remember:
- They can't touch you, legally.
- If they attempt to, it is assault.
- You CAN sue.
- If you are doing something really stupid, knock it the fuck off or you'll get an irl banhammer from the mall.
Things you can find in a mall
- Zombies with shopping carts
- Too-tight jeans
- Sears
- Cars parked randomly in the hallways
- Fake cops who only have the power of saying "I'm calling the real police!"
- Overly fat women in motorized chairs eating Bon-Bons
- A playground for small, screaming children
- Video gayem stores
- Foods court
- ATMs every fifty feet
- Fifty types of cell phone sale booths
- If you're unlucky, an Apple store
