Animu
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Animu (sometimes called anime, animé, Japanimation, and other things including "crap" or "foreign shit") are twisted cartoons made by Azns - most commonly, the equally twisted Japanese.
The main rule in creating a new animu is that the central plot must be fucked up in some strange meth-inspired way while moving at the slowest pace possible. This makes a great combination for Japs to both troll with, meanwhile keeping you in fap mode with the secks references.
Animu is the #5 cause of furry tendencies (the first four being Disney, Don Bluth, Animaniacs and creepy Meatloaf power-ballads). You will always find a harem of scantily-clothed bunnygirls, catgirls, doggirls, piggirls, dickgirls or some other shit longing for teh buttsecks. There are practically no male anthros - even if there are, they play a small role as expendable side characters nobody ever remembers except for the gayest of the gay furfags.
Contents |
History
Animu was created by Satan as a tool for creating internet pedophiles. The fact His Infernal Majesty succeeded at this horrible task is a testimony to the total depravity and sin into which this planet has fallen. Once the Japanese got hold of animu technology in World War II, there was no stopping it. Now, thanks to the Interbutts, legions of kiddie-diddling male mouth-breathers walk the malls and school corridors of America, looking from beneath sweat-soaked cat ears to make your sweet little Suzie or Billy part of their sickening 2-D sexual scenario. And it's even worse in Japan, where animu has mutated into the nightmare of moe, in which grown men now pine for tiny girls with no tits the way their dads used to fap to Ursula Andress or Raquel Welch. Gross.
Though a common misconception, the first animu was not Astro-Boy; it was simply the first animu brought to North America. Astro Boy is the story of a young robot boy in a black rubber diaper and no other clothing, making him the gheyest super hero EVAR!! The plot is hugely reminiscent of Megaman, except that instead of trying to take over the world, the "Dr. Wily" character just wants to make Astroboy his son and rename him "Toby". Much robo-gayness ensues.
The actual "first animu" was Iron Man #28 (which is why so many mecha are in animu - it started with them) and was created in the early 60's, thanks to the influence of cartoons like Betty Boop and possibly a lot of acid. Yes, Virginia, this means that the Americunts and that fat bitch Betty Boop are responsible for the odd dinner plate-eye drawing style of animu, as they were basically only trying to copy us at the time. Of course, the tentacle rape and invisidick stuff is all their idea, so keep blaming them for that.
In the 1980s and 1990s, animu began to become popular in America, although still remained mostly "underground" (in a contradiction that illustrates how absurd the use of the word underground has become).
Laws and Rules
The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good chuckle.
Animu is typically governed by many bullshit rules which have absolutally no basis in reality as they tend to break the laws of physics. There are many facts about animu out there, however that list of facts has been shortened to a list 100 rules long by animu fans from fanfiction.net. That list is as follows...
1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.
2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is
thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit
the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.
3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud
sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust
equals constant velocity.
5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a
mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armoured Mecha are the fastest objects
known to human science.
6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero
whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and
lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of
two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out
affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human
existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
NOTE: Sometimes, Anime
heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg
and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something.
8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die...
regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they
don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are
depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color
(usually red or white).
10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a
"Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3
different angles.
11 - Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to
human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities,
sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
13 - Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly
referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because
of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the
Law of Inherent Combustibility.
14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any
object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also
known as the A-Ko phenomenon.
15 - Law of Inexhaustibility- No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of
course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
16 - Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form
of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the
"Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot
decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a
drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and
several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle
of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will
hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds,
the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a
single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is
in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm,
which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving,
firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex
martial arts maneuvers.
Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he
will hit.
17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The
Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff needs
to get out more.)
18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood,
sometimes more, under high pressure.
19 - Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at
least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not
unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. Also, acid has been known to work
just as well...
20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and
large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped
and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a
song.
First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes
up against an entire army, the army always loses.
21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t...
22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little
things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost
twice as annoying.
24 - Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles,
either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy".
First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb
Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line
Effect)
Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American
translators arethe American editors and censors.
Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome
"Good Guys".
25 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly
proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
26 - Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female.
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation.
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
27 - Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of
destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and
used as a last resort.
28 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate
a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
29 - Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of
martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing
aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is
attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
30 - Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are
hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
31 - Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is
considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or
explanation.
32 - Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and
can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical
abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s
hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
33 - Law of Continual Degradation- The more often an anime character relies on a
super powerful attack the less effective it becomes in all following fights.
(see Dragonball Z, Gurren Lagann, or Yu Yu Hakusho for prime examples)
34 - Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable
guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of
whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive
amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off
somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes,
then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the
Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably
wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)- All anime characters are resistant to
extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)- Bikinis render the wearer
invulnerable to any form of damage.
Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence)- The clothing on the hero is
indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows,
or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice
attack... Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of
Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 & 48)
35 - Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing,
playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple"
things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so
on... especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.
36 - Law of Quintupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good
Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic
positions, which are:
1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation
37 - Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an
extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from
which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious
dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".
First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule)- The most common item stored is a
heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
38 - Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is
because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released
at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in
the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are
actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is
because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the
back of the head. When extremely stressed , embarrassed, or worried, this sweat
gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
39 - Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely
proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the
less you get and vice-versa.
First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real
world...
40 - Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get
erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though... the current
theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see
Law 38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush
along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
41 - Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal
swords, if not sharper and almost always indestructible.
42 - Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it
done in half the time and twice the angst.
Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia - There is no Law 43.
44 - Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a
martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).
45 - Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the
transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to
interrupt it.
46 - Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy
mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
47 - Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some
unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or
spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind
the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.
48 - Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or
burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later,
your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame,
wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s)
to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and
letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in
part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.
49 - Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will
get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform
magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as
the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor"). This is because he always deserves it, and will
help him to cope in today’s society. (>Sniff Sniff
50 - Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are
under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY
small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter).
Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.
51 - Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws
44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and
the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack
are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave
Phenomenon")
52 - Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters
(usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or
perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons
for this are:
1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn.
The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
3) They just don’t give a damn.
53 - Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.
54 - Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald,
wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid,
etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying
pan or something.
55 - Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and
withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power
weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.
56 - Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons
will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome
which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use
it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military
device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken.
b) The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just
"fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.
57 - Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of
the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.
58 - Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance,
resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me
look.
b) A negative charge will result in the
hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.
59 - Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition
available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate
when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7
for speaker pods)
60 - Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s
attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them.
(Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing
girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot
couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)
61 - Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an
awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract,
except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single
drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.
62 - The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years
is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.
63 - Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the
few... of even the one.
64 - Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be
funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall
to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall.
(The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)
65 - Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the
male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually
helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can
sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the
guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)
66 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater
than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse
coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least
500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to
normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also
inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all
actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot
from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb.
of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a
mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing
this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.
67 - Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the
Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be
increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does
not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads
to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by
an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.
68 - Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the
control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through
means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which
clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant
Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at
will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and
lethality of the maneuver.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or
disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not
always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where
the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of
Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.
69 - Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any
situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding
increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually
come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in
Ambient Dramatic Tension.
70 - Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a
survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly
and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often
referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain
activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in
slow motion.
71 - Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male
character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at
another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an
interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of
Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws 37, 49, and
65)
72 - Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head
shot, maybe from a mallet whack), Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the
wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages
will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.
73 - Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to
a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking
sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the
edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly
past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.
74 - Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When
faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime
characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and
exposition),
b) Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a
position to ravish beautiful girls,
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling,
or
d) Get raped by tentacles.
75 - Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can
summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.
76 - Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a
secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around
him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?
77 - Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick
strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the
elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)
78 - Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST
capable of dealing with it.
79 - Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial
arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with
your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just
doesn’t work in real life...
80 - Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics - If a captain of any type of ship is:
*Male* He will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a
shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician.
*Female* She will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole(horny father optional).
She will too be a great tactitian, however womyn cannot drive due to the FACT that they did not evolve
opposable thumbs, so the chance of survival is -9000%.
81 - Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if
you’re normally a klutz. Wear at night-time or indoors for +2 fuckwadness.
82 - Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a
Hentai anime is to start having sex.
83 - Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become
possible.
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the
hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he
is wrong and will invariably be toastied.
84 - Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed
by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could
accomplish... but his old teacher did(see 55)!
85 - Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire
straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see
Laws 67, 69, and 84)
86 - Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in
beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won
against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!1). They usually get so cocky, they
tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack.
Usually this results in:
a) The hero escaping.
b) Clean-up for the underlings.
c) The villain getting toastied.
87 - Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.
88 - Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary, pedestrian objects sometimes have
the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water,
rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling
themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.
89 - Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large
penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the
size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...
90 -Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following
characteristics:
1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples.
2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.
91 - Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and
up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive
vagina. (89 and 90 above)
92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance
while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them
introducing themselves.
93 - Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at
least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a
dog, cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the
male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following
him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by
a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal,
real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal
that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.
94 - Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of
ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things
like bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even
though they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the
Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.
95 - Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any
human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...")
First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime
girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO ONE knows WHY
this is, but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through
the skin of the tentacle...
Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never
experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also
known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).
Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human
relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.
96 - Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other,
sometimes ripping off clothes(see 34). Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage
begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it
from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the A-ko/B-ko
Thing)
97 - Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that
enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being
immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)
98 - Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or
spaceborne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4) Extreme cuteness
5) Irresponsible drunkenness
6) Homophobicness
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)
99 - Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest
appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said
character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love.
No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At
least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...
100 - Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen, including a character origin flashback in the middle of the most important fight scene in the entire anime.
The "Artform"
Animu is often praised for its artistry and the high quality of the animation. It is often bagged for its incredibly convoluted and constantly repeated story lines (erroneously called "plots"), its high amount of violence, sex (including tentacle rape) and foreign values (like animal rights, sportsmanship, self-respect and filial duty), and its tendency to cause epileptic attacks in small children. Animu plots are often far-fetched, contrived and repetitive, quickly becoming boring and the "humour" quickly becoming unfunny to anyone who is not a brainwashed otaku with a negative IQ. Animu males are usually very skinny and effeminate (but with uber-fighting skills) with dumb social issues, or are very muscular and ugly (Japs seem to think they are the toughest street gangstas in the world). A significant trend is that the more unique a character is, the longer they will survive, save for a few exceptions (e.g. Bad guys that aren't skinny, Bad guys that aren't oozing smugliness); generic foot-soldiers should at least put a large scar across their cheek in order to survive even a few episodes. Animu females are usually busty, white, over-emotional and have eardrum-shattering high-pitched pre-adolescent voices because Japs whack off to the voices of little girls. Or the girls have a "deep voice" (what would be a normal adult female speaking voice outside of Japan) and have a dark, mysterious past or some shit. Animu is often praised by the 40 year old pedophile cunts that lurk on the Internets. Japan also plays this shit 24/7, so hurry up and pack your bags!
More recent animus are even gayer and have characters with eyes that literally take up more than half of their face, hair that is bright and colorful enough to give someone a fucking headache, a nose that's impossible to see without a microscope, and girls that orgasm every 10 seconds for no fucking reason whatsoever. Of course, in typical animu, everyone can jump at least 100 feet in the air and punch through solid concrete-reinforced steel or swing a sword hard enough to create a tornado like Japs wish they could do in real life.
Despite the fact that most animus are supposed to take place in Japan, most animu characters look almost or completely White. This is because Japs hate the way they look and desperately desire to look normal. The evil gay gangstas are usually ugly and recognizably Asian or look like skinny bishounen but are still uber-powerful. Other Asian peeps that Japs don't like (like Chinese and Koreans) look Asian, wear stereotypical traditional clothing and are usually bad guys or just fugly.
Black people rarely exist in animu, and when they do, they usually look like something out of a banned Bugs Bunny cartoon from the 1950's. White Otakus excuse this by claiming that Japan is an isolated island with no knowledge of the outside world. This is of course total bullshit because Japan has uber-technology (just look at their giant humanoid robots) and most Japs have more access to teh Internets than Americans (as well as access to mind-numbing video games). IRL, Japs are a very racist people but still love everything Western, especially after their defeat in World War II. For some reason, in animu they seem to have a weird obsession with France. Of all the Western countries to be obsessed over, they choose FUCKING FRANCE.
They also refuse to call Japanese cartoons "cartoons" because this is an English word, and they have forgotten how to use it because of epileptic seizures induced by watching photosensitive-epilepsy triggers and eating those sugar-laden Choco-sawdust Sticks. However, they are excellent at enraging every normal person within earshot, simply by bullshitting about these unimportant aspects of Japan.
OMG Hot!
Animu chicks, with their irresistible giant eyes, piercing voices, oddly colored she-mullet hair, their lipless mouths, and their tendency to act like complete fucktards, have found themselves entering the wet dreams of many a lonely nerd, resulting in some even preferring animu ladies to RL females.
This is probably because animu bitches don't care if you're fat, greasy and masturbate to lolicon, they don't slap you in the face when you compliment their tits before even properly introducing yourself and they don't call the police when they find you in their room masturbating into their panties whilst holding your baby photos in their spare hand.
The ladies of the animu world don't care about such trivial matters of which we just mentioned, all they want to do is engage in deviant sex acts with you. In this way animu girls are very similar to the Russians.
Animu girls also have the amazing ability to materialize a massive bludgeoning weapon out of thin air and to yell "BAKA HENTAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!" at an ear-splitting volume and beat the living shit out of the male protagonists in animu.
Moe
Moe is a Japanese slang word referring to a fetish or love for characters in animu, manga and video games. The word has come to be used as a general term for a hobby, enthusiasm, or a non-sexual fetish. Moe characters have appealing traits such as glasses, clumsiness, young age, cute dress, etc. All suitable characteristics for someone who is going to get raped. This is why they are included in many animus; authors like to create their show with as little effort as possible, as when a moe character is introduced all other qualities of the show can be thrown out the window, since animu fans only care about character development.
Chibi
The pinnacle of absolute faggotry and lack of imagination, Chibi is the offspring of worthless wapanese cockminds following a two step animé tutorial in order to feel clever and artistic. Also known as "Super-Hyper-Ultra-Deformed" (or simply super-deformed, SD), it is the bastardized version of the Japanese word "chiisai", which means "small." Otaku apply this term to pictures of animu characters with compacted, stubby little bodies and gigantic, oversized heads. Fangirls have yet to realize that no Japanese person over the age of 6 ever uses this term. Everyone on 4chan commonly fap to this shit due to its similarity to loli.
Chibi is responsible for creating the many otaku emoticons that have remained alive to this very day. It is also commonly used by the yaoi community to describe the uke in a relationship.
Animu vs Western Cartoons
Do you wonder why professors at art schools don't respect animu? It's because the art style is manufactured just as well as the plot and characters. Animu fans always talk about how much better animu is when compared to western cartoons because of how much more "detailed" and "proportionate" the characters are.
They say animu is more "realistic". The thing is, people in real life tend to have different shaped bodies, eyes, mouths, etc. All animu characters are manufactured. If you look at any animu, you can clearly see how all of the characters look the same. They all have the same facial structure and everything. The only differences are the hair and clothes, and maybe their height. There are a few exceptions, like with One Piece, some characters do actually look different from other characters. But the worst example of what I'm talking about is Dragon Ball Z. The only way to tell any of the male characters apart in that is to count the number of spikes in their hair.
It's on this principle that Sailor Moon is able to withhold her identity from everyone when she transforms, even though her costume doesn't include a mask to cover her face. Because all anime characters, especially females, look identical, even other animu characters can't identify them if they're not wearing their normal clothes.
The reason animu is like this is not necessarily because the people who make them can't draw, but to make the characters easier to draw quickly, so they can churn out episode after episode of filler to make it look like more effort is being put into it than there really is. You might say the characters are more proportionate, but the thing is, an animu artist just has to learn how to draw one or two humanoid figures, then they can add different hair and clothes to make different characters.
In contrast, look at Popeye the Sailor. Popeye has a disproportionate body. He looks like he would be easy to draw, but because he has unique features, one would have to practice. It takes skill to be able to make a unique character out of simple shapes, and to be able to draw that character over and over again, in different poses, while still making it look like the same character. You would notice that Popeye looks nothing like Bluto, and if you can draw one of them, that doesn't necessarily mean that you can draw the other. A better example would be The Lion King. All of the lion characters look similar, but you can tell the major characters apart. Simba looks different from Mufasa, and Sarabi looks different from Nala, due to very subtle differences in the way they're drawn, and slight differences in the color of their fur. The artists had to memorize the smallest details to differentiate the characters, since they couldn't just give them pink and blue hair, or different clothes.
It's not like that with animu. With animu, you just have to draw one character, then change two details and suddenly, you have a new, "completely original" character.
With Western cartoons, each character is unique, and the artists have to learn how to draw each one separately, memorize their unique proportions and facial expressions, and familiarize themselves with the eccentricities of the art style. An example of such eccentricity would be how SpongeBob's shoulders move depending on how high he's reaching. You might attribute this to a disregard for anatomy, but this requires the artist to know what the character can and can't do, and this makes animating them a lot more difficult.
If you can draw Ichigo, you can probably also draw InuYasha. If you can draw Bugs Bunny, that doesn't mean you can draw Spongebob. Almost all anime has obvious similarities, and that's why "animu style" is a blanket term for all animu. There's no such thing as "cartoon style" because there's no one style that all Western cartoons use.
Tex Avery's cartoons look nothing like Matt Greoning's, and Genndy Tartakovsky's cartoons look nothing like Stephen Hillenburg's. If you ask for a drawing to be "cartoon style", what does that mean? Do you mean like Looney Tunes style, or like Simpsons style, or what?
One might argue that Tex Avery's cartoons look similar to Hanna-Barbera's, or Genndy Tartakovsky's look similar to Butch Hartman's, but those similarities come from the popular styles of their respective eras. The flat colors and thick outlines that we see in cartoons these days just happen to be in vogue right now. The fact remains, most characters in Western cartoons tend to look unique, even when they're from the same show. Dexter and Dee Dee from Dexter's Laboratory look nothing alike, and neither of them look anything like Timmy Turner from Fairly Odd Parents.
Animu also changed depending on the era, but it seems with every new animu, they look more and more similar. Looking at the first animu in 1917, The Story of the Concierge Mukuzo Imokawa, you can see a very obvious Western influence, as animated cartoons were a new thing in Japan at the time, and most of the techniques would have been copied from Western cartoons. Astro Boy, the first popular animu TV series, also shows that disproportionate Western style in the art. The characters actually have notable differences.
Toei Animation was founded in 1948, and until about the 1970s, all of their productions had a funny art style. The characters had noodle-like arms and big heads, and looked similar to Popeye the Sailor and Betty Boop. It wasn't until the early '70s that animu started taking on the style that we're all familiar with today.
Now all animu is essentially the same recycled shit. Same art, same plots, same characters, just with different names and titles. That's why anyone who isn't a basement dweller doesn't respect animu. It's all the same shit, just repackaged. Comparing any two animu is like comparing Backstreet Boys to N'Sync.
Fangirls and Fanboys
Animu has an enormous fandom worldwide consisting mostly of 16 year old girls, 13 year old boys, and 30-something basement-dweller males, and there are literally thousands of communities on LiveJournal devoted to this art form. Another site, Pisoga, is devoted entirely to animu and consists of hundreds of fans. Hardcore animu fans call themselves otakus, and spend most of their time masturbating to and making AMVs which they then upload to JewTube.
Most animu fans pretend to have a high knowledge of Japanese culture and language, though they have never been to Japan or even read a book about Japan, and can't even say the most popular Japanese words like "animu" correctly. They often attempt to use Japanese words (but at incorrect times, with the wrong meaning, the wrong conjugation, and the wrong pronunciation) and also pretend to like eating Japanese cuisine, which their knowledge of is limited to Pocky, sushi, and Raymond Noodles which they also cannot pronounce.
In some rare cases, a person can take animu in low doses, and still maintain some level of normalcy. A person who has been able to watch animu and still return from the brink may even maintain a healthy interest in Japanese culture without quoting shit from it incessantly, however, such a case is very rare. Fapping to anything animé is the point of no return.
No fans over the age of 12 will admit to ever having liked Dragon Ball Z, but every single animu fan in the world got hooked on Dragon Ball Z before they watched anything else.
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Japan Loves The Cock
Everyone in or from Japan loves animu. If you meet a Japanese person who doesn't breathe, eat and excrete animu than that person is not really Japanese. In Japan you are considered a geek if your room isn't filled with manga, animu VHS and lolicon posters. The large role animu plays in Japanese culture has lowered the country's standards a little and if you're on a holiday in Japan with your young prepubescent daughter and you see a man next to you be sure to punch him in the face repeatedly until he dies as that guy is probably wishing he could sprout tentacles and rape your daughter. Emos are also fond of watching animu as well, especially Pokémon as part of some gay ironic thing. It is not uncommon to stumble across an emo singing the Pokémon theme tune aloud, thinking he's the lulz and just being a general retard. It's people like these that makes ED thankful for AIDS.
Animu Genres
Note that some shows are listed under multiple genres. While one would expect that a show with multiple genres is more intricate, complex and interesting, each additional genre actually just compounds the fail already present.
- Action: Usually a bunch of half-naked sheep beating the crap out of each other until the world ends. Most plots revolve around some gay retard trying to take over the world. The hero spends the entire series slowly trying to increase his power level to 9,001 in order to defeat the enemy and prevent him from destroying the world.
- Examples: Bleach, Dragon Ball Z, Inuyasha, Naruto
- Adventure: A group of kids or one kid going off on a "wild, wacky, and fun adventure!" OMFGZ!!!! Typically as idiotic as it sounds. You'd have more adventure if you spent the money you used on the animu DVD on mangos, rolled them onto the road to watch cars run over them and then got the fuck out when the police turned up.
- Drama: Plenty of character development, and complicated plot twists that you'd only watch if your mother lets you feel her boobs afterwards. Which she won't because she's fucking your grandfather.
- Examples: Ouran High School Host Club, Popotan, Love Hina, Galaxy Express 999.
- Horror: Uses religious and supernatural shit with plenty of guro to scare the lil' kiddies. Type of animu you'd see on Cartoon Network every weekday morning.
- Examples: Hellsing, Blood+, Trinity Blood, Vampire Hunter D, D Gray Man. (Notice a pattern here?)
- Humor: Have storylines devoted entirely to endless references to some other shitty animu or sexual harassment (the Japs call it 'fanservice' and seem to think that it is funny). Of course, there is nothing in animu that can be considered funny unless you're an animu fanboy or fangirl who gets wet over anything made by Japan.
- Example: Lucky Star, Azumanga Daioh, Gintama, BoBoBo-BoBoBoBo-BoBoBoBoBoBoobs
- Harem: An otaku's wet dream come true. The main character gets surrounded by dozens of hot bitches (and/or gay men and/or traps) who yearn for nothing but to get some booty. In each case, the main character is too much of a closeted-homosexual to take full advantage of the filthy, filthy sluts surrounding him or her. Often accompanied by excessive fanservice to compensate for the lack of original storylines. Famous for having roughly 52 episodes per season with the exact same plot.
- Examples: Love Hina, Ouran High School Host Club.
- Robot/Mecha: If you love deep plots then you will love GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER! FUCK YEAH. Usually ends with the entire city being destroyed for great justice.
- Examples: Gundam Wing, Zoids, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Full Metal Panic, Gravion, GoDannar, Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040, Patlabor, Dominion Tank Police, Gurren Laggan.
- Science Fiction: Usually set in the future in which the city/nation/world was destroyed and rebuilt only to be destroyed again by robots, aliens, or a big fucking explosion. A rule of thumb is that for every sci-fi animu made, the number of alien rule 34 media that will be shat out of the tubes will exceed the number of points in the Dow Jones Industrial Average circa 2007.. Fight scenes feature futuristic weapons including light sabres and laser guns.
- Examples: Futurama, Cowboy Bebop, Ghost in the Shell, Akira, Gall Force.
- Shōjo: Wapanese for 'little girl'. This genre features more SOOO CUUUTE!!! Japanese merchandise than Kirk Johnson can fit inside his gaping asshole. Nobody dies and FUCKING EVERYTHING must look cute including the bad guys. Meaning it's basically a 12-to16-year-old girl's wet dream.
- Examples: Hamtaro, Sailor Moon, Cardcaptor Sakura, Digi Carrot.
- Shōnen: Wapanese for 'young boy'. These shows are aimed at 13-year old boys or so (seriously) - to be more specific, to any young boy who's just slightly over the most desirable age for Catholic priests and
Michael Jackson. Usually has little plot, plenty of heavy music and softcore hentai to feed their growing minds and shlongs. - Sports: Animu about sports, genius. Remains unpopular because most weeaboo are lazy and too overweight to engage in physical activity without having a heart attack.
- Examples: The Prince of Tennis and... uh... gimme a sec here... damn.
- Psychological: Animu mind fuck. Tries to come off as deep and thought-provoking by using at least one metaphor per sentence in a pitiful attempt to sound philosophical. Very popular among the intellectual animu viewer because it acts very deep, however most normal people have long realized that the entire plot is bullshit.
- Examples: Death Note, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Akira.
- Religious: The animated equivalent of a Chick Tract.
- Example: Superbook - Commissioned by Pat Robertson in the late 70s. Yes, Pat Robertson was into animu before you even knew it existed.
- Educational: The moar you know!
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Gallery of Typical Animu Cliché's
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See Also
External Links
- Anime wall of shame
- When animu created,there hentai,which pedo come everday
- To Animu fans animated pedophilia is AWW-RIGHTTT!
- weeaboos fap to this.
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