Martha Stewart
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Martha Helen Kostyra Stewart (hatched August 3, 1941) is an infamous crime lord known for insider trading, creative accounting, and pandering gingerbread. Starting in 2002 her plans for dominating the hot glue gun market were rocked by a scandal involving her sale of narcotic-laced candy apples to minors and insider trading. Stewart is considered to be an American icon, representing the heights of success that can be reached by a greedy, furniture-rearranging bitch from New Jersey.
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[edit] Early Life
Stewart was adopted by Polish-American parents who mistook her for human when they found her by the curb one morning, polishing their garbage cans. After she trussed, roasted, and served forth their existing offspring, she was raised as a beloved only child. A good student, she received a partial scholarship to Overlord Tech, where she majored in lily-gilding and extortion. After graduating, she became a model, starring in several TV commercials promoting tampons for extraterrestrial shrews. Upon laying her first clutch of eggs, she retired from modeling.
[edit] Rise To Fame
After her brood hatched and was old enough to take down prey on its own, Stewart began a career as a stockbroker where she honed her skill at parting fools from their money. When recession hit Wall Street in 1973, she fled for the affluent suburbs of Westport, Connecticut, forcing her husband to buy her an ancient farmhouse. After sinking every penny he had into its restoration, she started a catering business and began doing TV segments about status grabbing through excessive consumerism. Her husband divorced her on the day her book on weddings was released, and moved into the barn with her personal assistant where they still spend every Saturday night snorting cocaine and fucking where Martha can hear their wild shrieks of orgiastic pleasure.
[edit] Federal Indictments and Trial
In 2002, Martha was investigated for alleged baby eating and insider trading. Cannibalism charges were dismissed for lack of evidence, though witnesses claimed that is because Martha consumes children whole, including bones, meat, and skin. The SEC successfully pressed their charges. The day after her indictment for conspiracy and obstruction of justice, Stewart took out a full-page advertisement in USA Today and launched a website with an open letter of defense "to my friends and loyal supporters." She said, "I want you to know that I am innocent — and that I will fight to clear my name... The government's attempt to criminalize these actions has marked them for destruction. I will gnaw on their children's skulls and shit prettily on their front lawns. All will bow before me or suffer my wrath." Stewart was convicted after every person who ever met her testified she is evil personified.
On September 29, the Federal Bureau of Prisons announced that Stewart would serve her sentence at the federal prison camp in Alderson, West Virginia, denying her request to serve her sentence in the penthouse suite of the New York Hilton. She reported to minimum-security Alderson Federal Prison Camp early in the morning on October 8, dressed in blood-spattered, blue-gingham overalls. Stewart, who said her prison nickname was "Spread 'Em, BeeYotch", reportedly got along quite well with her fellow inmates and kept herself busy kissing ass and eating pussy. She was released on March 4, 2005, under house arrest. Evading her captors, she dissolved her ankle alarm with her corrosive saliva and is now loose among the public. She was last seen laying eggs in the stunned bodies of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy cast.
