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Massachusetts
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Commonwealth of Massachusetts (moar like MassaJEWsetts, amirite?) is located in the US of A and is secretly the gayest state in the country. Although everyone knee-jerkedly accuses Kommiefornia (which has its fair share of conservatives, btw) of being the gayest state in the union, Massachusetts, or Mass as many people prefer to shorten it, is more than happy to let gays marry in holy matrimony in the name of our lord and savior Al Gore; as long as they aren't black that is. Cali, meanwhile, still says that they can go fuck themselves, but not each other.
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[edit] Early History
Originally settled (for at least 100 years) by a tribe of Indians called the Massachusett, Massachusetts was discovered in the 1500's by ponces, wankers and prats from England, aka the Pilgrims, or the White Devil. Shortly after these settlers set about fagging the place up, a group of Puritans came and forced Jesus on the new colony, lulz. After successfully defagging the colony, the Puritans set about pwning all of the original inhabitants of the area via smallpox, alcohol and permabanning. During this period of time, there were numerous successfully violent raids for great justice on French-owned, mega-fag Canadia to its north.
When the Puritans got sick of their admins in England, they started a revolution to free themselves. The source of much lulz for a couple years, the British were pwned out of Massachusetts Bay, vowing to come back to subvert them via gayness and furries at some point in the 20th century. This patriotic fervor is a rallying point for conservative rednecks all around the United States, despite the fact that they all hate Massachusetts for being so unabashedly liberal.
[edit] Middle History
With its massive population of disposable Irish and Italian immigrants as well as a large stockpile of escaped Negroes, Massachusetts became one of the most important industrial centers in the world. Transcendentalism, a precursor to hippy new age bullshit and paradoxically to agnosticism, started in Massachusetts at this time. Massachusetts was also a focal point of abolitionism and temperance: while about half of the state schoolmarmishly scolded the other half for indulging in booze and hookers, the other half decided it was time to throw down and IRL flame wars (as the internets had not been invented yet) erupted, prompting widespread pwnage and rioting.
This fueled in many ways to the American Civil War, where the North decided that they didn't like the backwater, cousin-marrying, nigga-owning ways of their southern subordinates, and the South decided they'd had enough of the limp-wristed, free-loving intellectual bullshit candy-pants faggotry from the pussies to the north. Inexplicably, these candy-pants faggots pwned the Southerners badly, and to this day, the white portion of the South is still butthurt. During this period, Massachusetts created the 54th Volunteer Infantry, the first time in the history of the world when black people were given firearms and told to go nuts; this is now widely regarded, in hindsight, as a big mistake.
Massachusetts had made a name for itself making shoes and textiles, but by the onset of the 20th century, most of these jobs had gone to Good Korea and Vietnam. Because of this, Asians are advised against travelling to any city in Massachusetts other than Boston, because angst against the yellow peril still runs deep in the boonies.
[edit] Contemporary Massachusetts
Starting in the 1960's, Massachusetts decided that they were going to push their liberalism on the rest of the nation and the Jewish illuminati (in alliance with the Furluminati) put up charismatic pretty-boy Massachusettsanian JFK, who set about trying to get everyone to cooperate with eatchother, going to Ireland to get drunk, going to Germany and proclaiming "ich bin ein berliner... und mein shorts are too short," and fucking Playmates with fearless aplomb. He got pwned in Texas by the CIA, Freemasons, Shriners, Jews, Fags, Cubans, Commies, and your mom.
This was a minor setback for Massachusetts, who despite being fairly small in both landmass and population, has managed to weasel its way into all sectors of National Government.
[edit] Massachusetts: it's not just Boston, god damn it
Although most non-Massachusettsanians assume that Massachusetts is all Boston and New York is an angry stone-throw across a river, Massachusetts does have other cities within it. So that you can contribute correctly to any dinner conversations that deviate to the geography of Massachusetts, here are a few of the other, non-Boston areas of Massachusetts that are little-known but of utmost cultural importance.
[edit] Revere
Named for the lead singer of the 1960's band The Raiders, Revere is located on the North Shore, which is North of Boston. Famous for local eateries that deep fry everything, and the most urbanized Townies in the world, Revere is best described as "wikkid pissah" buy its residents, and "wikkid retahdid" by everyone else. There's a wicked awesome supermarket there, according to rumor. Revere Beach is known for being an excellent alternative to a landfill if it's not trash day, or indoor toilet if yours isn't working. Revere is the perfect city to reside in if you're a cop killing Revere High wigger, but not if you're Danny Talbot.
[edit] Concord
Concord is where all the rich fucks that feel like they need to pay for an expensive mailing address go. The town's schools, public and private, are well known and have strong reputations; by the time of their high school graduation, 95% of students have reached a third grade reading comprehension level, and almost 60% are able to go about their daily lives without wearing protective helmets. Concord Academy has it's campus in this town, and the students will have surely fucked everything in town up again by the time they return this September. Concord has two main areas; Concord Center and West Concord. Residents of Concord Center rarely venture across route two to West Concord, citing rumors that a black family may have moved into the area. The town is best known as the home of Admiral Henry David Thoreau's Walden Pond. In 1842, Thoreau set out from the western side of the pond in a three hundred foot sailing ship on a voyage destined for East Asia, hoping to bring back child slaves for his shoe factory. Two years later, the ship was found adrift in the Mediterranean sea along the coast of Northern Africa, mysteriously deserted. Thoreau was never seen again. In 1951, Walden Pond was drained and filled in. Over the next twenty years, the area was paved over and converted to a commercial district. Today, the site where Thoreau's luxury brownstone once stood is occupied by a Bed, Bath & Beyond, and the town's residents unanimously agree that it is much better that way.
[edit] Amherst
Amherst is the most annoying parts of Massachusettes put together, budget cut, and painted with mushrooms and swirles. Home to over 9000 colleges and universities, Amherst ("AM-erst! No H!")is full of cheap stores, college students and shits who think they are liberal. Don't go here. Unless you want drugs, underage sex or lots of talk with no political action. Oh. And "freshmen" is sexist now. Womyn need respect too!
This girl is from Amherst. Amherst, in a nutshell, is this girl multiplied by 35,000 dancing in army formation.
[edit] Northampton
Full of crazy faggots. Literally. Belchertown State School let out all the retards into Northampton--think you can walk around this town without getting eaten? THINK AGAIN. Also, my mom says it's Lesbianville.
[edit] Cambridge
Cambridge is arguably the most liberal town in the world. This is the town where the first gay marriage in the country was. The average Cantibrilian, is a middle aged balding homosexual who wears socks and sandals and a ponytail in the back of his head. Avoid this town at all costs.
[edit] Brockton
Just south of Boston, Brockton is home 6 year olds sexually harrasing [1] each other, famous boxers Rocky Marciano and Marvelous Marvin Hagler, the annual fair that always rapes at least two girls a year, niggers killing each other every summer just for the lulz, all the refugee criminals that are escaping the Boston PD, Cape Verde's second largest nigra population, and a crime rate that even keeps the criminals on edge.
[edit] Lowell
In the heart of the Merrimack Valley, Lowell is best known for its quality needle drugs and beautiful naturally occurring broken glass fields. Lowell's historic hypodermic needle mills attract over seven million tourists every year, providing an important boost to the local economy and allowing city officials to put tax dollars back in city residents' pockets which they promptly spend on heroin. There is also an infamous hooker hangout called Appleton Street, where they charge as little as 50 cents for head.
[edit] Dracut
One of Lowell's nieghboring towns, Dracut is best known for all the hookers that go to school there. This could introduce kids to sex a bit early, since the town's only elementary, middle, and high schools all share the same block. (Architects are REAL fuckin' geniuses, amirite?)
[edit] Salem
A boring as fuck place to live in if you're not a Wiccan or a Spic. Once October ends, all means of lulz are blown to shit, except those fucked up psychics leaving severed raccoon heads on doorsteps for the lulz [2]. By mid-August, the tourists blunder in, leaving residents to want to beat Cho's score.
[edit] Springfield
The Second Boston, Springfield has the honor of being the most violent city in the country. This is where Boyz N The Hood was shot, and Ice Cube died. Has the Basketball hall of fame, which is closed, or at least blockaded. Avoid at all costs.
[edit] The Cape and Islands
The cape Is made of several things, wiggers, aids, fail, Old people, emos, and most importantly, gays. Basically, the cape is a smaller version of Massachusetts. This means that the minorities are packed tighter then a little boy's anus. Teh gays are up north in Province Town or as us cappies say "P-town", also known by the locals as "pickle point". Here urinating on each other is all the rage. Much like Florida, the cape is were Old people come to die. The cape is the number one Kennedy killer. The bullet that killed JFK really came from an old gay man from P-Town and Little Kennedy's plane was shot down by the Zionists at Otis air force base. There isn't much to do on the cape so most teenagers resort to poorly Brazilian made weed. Oh yea, thats right, the cape is filled with Brazilians. They mostly just take all the fat white chicks, marry them, then get green cards and skip back to Brazil. Also of note is Cape Cod Community College or "Triple C by the Sea" as it is known to faggots. It is known to be the state's highest concentration of retards and anyone who gets within 100 yards of it must be sterillized immediatly.
Below the cape are the Islands of Martha's Vineyard (pronounced "dah-vinyihd") and Nantucket. These are like the balls under the cape which kinda looks like a dick with a hard on. Martha's Vineyard is where the Kennedy's breed their sub-human race of politicians, and is noted for the place where Senator Teddy Kennedy got shitfaced, drove off a bridge, and left his girlfriend in the car to die while he went back to the party and continued drinking like it never happened. One might think that might influence the Senatorial vote, but no fahkin way. Nantucket is a smaller island than Martha's Vineyard which nobody gives a shit about.
[edit] Gay Head
Yes, there is actually a place in Massachusetts called Gay Head. Srsly. Little is known about this remote spot on the island of Martha's Vineyard, other than in 1669 the native inhabitants were all found at the edge of town, dead, arranged in a triangle, painted pink and with a sign that said "STAY THE FUCK OUT." It is widely believed that this is where the Gay Agenda is headquartered. The rest of Martha's Vineyard voted in 1997 to change the town's name to Aquinnah, but no one really cares about this.
[edit] Everett
Everett is the Brazilian capital of the world. The percentage rate of the White race in Everett is a whopping 2%. The city is obsessed with football and air conditioners. Everett is also filled with adoring fans of Slipknot and other bands guilty of faggotry. Everett was once a farming city. Then out of no where jocks and bisexuals infected with AIDS invaded. No one cares about Everett because it sucks. Also, Jews did 12/05 when they crashed a gas tanker into some poor wigger's triple decker house.
[edit] Worcester
Pronounced "Whistah", People still debate whether Worcester is a real city or just a suburb that got out of hand. No one east cares about Worcester and generally wish that the next snowstorm would bury it under so much ice it'd never defrost.
[edit] Newton
Jews and rich people. A couple of shitty schools, too.
[edit] Stupid Townie Fucks
While Massachusetts has no rednecks, they do have townies. Townies are the small-town losers that populate most of Massachusetts outside of Boston, generally referred to as The Boonies. Townies are often heard talking about a mysterious cousin named Eddie; it is assumed that this elusive Eddie is the binding factor between all townies, and is empirical proof that they're inbred freaks.'
Townies enjoy patronage of such pubs as The 99, a chain of high regard and caliber, and can often be found enjoying Sunday brunches at Bickford's (Bickfehds is the proper procunciation), an fine chain of esteemed eateries which have been closing down left and right for health violations. Townies fill a large role in Massachusetts' 21st century economy of pharmeceuticals, defense contractors, and tech firms; the loading docks and bathrooms of these corporations would cease to function without them.
All townies are white. Even if they look like they may be Asian, Hispanic or Black, they're white. Townies exhibit the most homophobia to be found in Massachusetts; this is invariably because they're all in denial. Due to this overcompensating homophobia, most of them haven't been to Boston since grade school, when they went for field trips, out of fear of being looked at passively or perhaps walking by a homosexual. However, because they secretly want to marry their friend Sully, they will rip on gays, then secretly vote for gay marriage so that they can justify it later as "hey, it's fukkin' legal, y'retahd. Go fuck y'selves."
[edit] Tahkin like ya frum Bahstin, Mass
Massachusettsanians have a unique dialect that only other Massachusettsanians can understand; this isn't because it's overwhelmingly hard to understand, so much as because the pitch that the human voice reaches when speaking this dialect has about the same effect as an icepick to the eardrum. Consider the following common words and terminologies:
Asking a Massachusettsanian to say "Park the car in Harvard Yard" is an old meme and not funny. You can't even park a fucking car in Harvard Yard IRL. Asking them to say this loosely translates to "Please kick me in the balls and then raep me in every natural opening on my body."
- Whereabous ya frum?: From where do you hail, kind sir/madam?
- Wikkid: particle to note that something is to a large degree; synonymous to very, extremely, madd, or teh.
- Retahdid: of dubious virtue
- Noah'eastah: a tenebrous sky
- Last in line f'eh the gang bang: to be lacking in conventinal knowledge; to be unfortunate.
- Get the fuck outta mai way: please excuse me
- Get the fuck outta mai wei: please refrain from having sexual intercourse with my Chinese girlfriend
- Ouw my fukkin' gawd: I am taken aback!
- Pissah: excellent
- ghay: of dubious virtue; alternately, from Cambridge, Allston, or Provincetown
- tawnik: a carbonated beverage; watersports
[edit] Terrorism and Massachusetts
Massachusetts is well-known as a hotbed for terrorist activity, primarily because its pussy leftard citizens still insist on due process and constitutional rights for criminals. The planes used to rape America on 9/11 took off from Boston's Logan Airport, and much lulz followed, lol Iraq.
Massachusetts has a proud history of having homegrown terrorists create all sorts of mischief; as one can tell by the Boston Bread Riot, Boston Brothel Riot, Boston Anti-Impressment Riot, Boston Massacre, Knowles Riot, Shays Rebellion, Gentleman's Riot, Lawrence Textile Riot, Broad Street Riot (firefighters vs. funeral attendees, lol), Boston Anti-Loyalist Riot, Charlestown Anti-Catholic Riots, Boston Police Strike, and Boston Race Riots, Massachusetts is l33t at getting drunk and fucking things up hardcore, second only to the Arabs. This most recently re-occured in 2004 after the Red Sox won their first World Series in at least 100 years. To celebrate, the team's overly-enthusiastic fans went batshit crazy and burned half the city to the ground. Police had to put some Masshole bitch down with rubber bullets before the crowd would lose its Samuel Adams buzz and go home.
More infamously, the events of 1/31 transpired in Boston when sinister Lite Brites depicting Moninite Overlords Err and Ignignokt were placed all over the city to menace good Christian citizens, most likely by Boston's homosexual community but with innocent indie media outlet Cartoon Network as the scapegoat. See article: ATHF Terrorist Attack
[edit] Famous Massholes
- Henry David Thoreau lived in a shack by a pond and wrote a book about it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson created a popular series of children's books that centered around finding him in his signature candy-striped hat and sweater in various chaotic international locales
- JFK, president, pwned headshot
- Ted Kennedy, senator, got shitfaced and killed some girl
- Ed Norton is a noted nazi, actor, and Wapanese. Desu!
- Samuel Adams, l33t beer guy
- Paul Revere rode a horse through a town at night yelling at the top of his lungs. He later fronted a campy band in the 1960's, Paul Revere and the Raiders
- Leonard Nimoy is the supreme god trekkie and a noted cosplayer.
- George Bush Sr. puked in the lap of the Japanese Supreme Otaku
- Timothy Leary took a lot of drugs and wrote some books about it.
- Jack Kerouac took a lot of drugs, drove around, and wrote a book about it.
- Ben Affleck is a total douche who has been in some movies thanks to his friend Matt and is fucking Jimmy Kimmel
- Matt Damon is a fag who got his idiot boyfriend into some movies
- Jay Leno, not funny.
- Conan O'Brien, not funny.
- Steven Tyler is the most psychotically bicurious thing on Earth. He is famous for having a mouth that could swallow a Chinese baby in one gulp and wearing tight pants.
- Father Geoghan raped some boys with the blessing of Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
- Amelia Atwater-Rhodes is a young author who writes mallgoth vampire fanfics published in IRL format and is furcurious.
- Edgar Allen Poe wrote some OG goth fanfics in the 1800's and died of AIDS because he had to harbl attack everything he came in contact with. His last words were "Lord help my poor soul. LOL, JK g2g."
- Rocky Marciano only undefeated heavyweight boxing champion of the world, only to be pwned by an airplane
[edit] See also
| The United States of Encyclopedia Dramatica |
|---|---|
| States | Alabama | Alaska | Arizona | Arkansas | California | Colorado | Connecticut | Delaware | Florida | Georgia | Hawaii | Idaho | Illinois | Indiana | Iowa | Kansas | Kentucky | Louisiana | Maine | Maryland | Massachusetts | Michigan | Minnesota | Mississippi | Missouri | Montana | Nebraska | Nevada | New Hampshire | New Jersey | New Mexico | New York | North Carolina | North Dakota | Ohio | Oklahoma | Oregon | Pennsylvania | Rhode Island | South Carolina | South Dakota | Tennessee | Texas | Utah | Vermont | Virginia | Washington | West Virginia | Wisconsin | Wyoming |
| Not a state yet | Australia | Canada | China | District of Columbia | Eurabia | Iraq |
