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John McCain

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Doesn't everybody?
(John McCain hates the gooks, this is actually a direct quote.)

McCain in a strategy session with Joe Lieberman and Larry Craig.

McCain in military uniform.

John Sidney "Juan" McCain is a geriatric Vietnam War veteran running for President of the United States on the Republican party ticket. Born at least 100 years ago, McCain would surpass Dick Cheney as the nation's oldest chief executive, becoming the second President to suffer from Alzheimer's and the first to suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Facing criticism from the Republican Party that he's too liberal and Democratic Party that he's too conservative, McCain became a "maverick" and co-founded the Lemon Party alongside future running mate Joe Lieberman.

1 Biography
2 Political positions
- 2.1 McCain on the Issues
3 Mr. McNasty
4 McCain vs. Tubes
5 Speeches
6 Trivia
7 Gallery
8 See also
9 External Links

[edit] Biography

McCain being rescued by Vietnamese locals after accidentally crashing his airplane into Trúc Bạch Lake. McCain's blood alcohol content at the time of the crash was .25%, five times the legal U.S. Navy limit.

He's perhaps best known for his long-running lounge act at the "Hanoi Hilton," where he entertained Viet Cong troops with his witty stand-up routines and smooth melodies. He supervised and acted as a translator while Jane Fonda was incarcerated and tortured by North Vietnamese soldiers for several years after her USO tour plane was shot down in, uh, let's say 1970.

A Vietnamese fisherman has claimed that then prisoner of war John McCain had oral sex with him in exchange for food, blankets and ‘hugs’ in the winter of 1968, the Vietnamese media reported today. Leung Ong Lhan, now 78, says that McCain and other prisoners ‘would have done just about anything to get the necessities of life and survive because of the desperate conditions that they had to endure. Experts say that compared to European prisoners of war, those held prisoner in Asian countries needed to go to greater lengths if they were to survive due to the value placed on life in Asia being ‘much less’.

"At first I was just giving them these things because I felt sorry for them, but Lieutenant McCain insisted on 'returning the favor' I never knew what a 'swirly' was until we took McCain prisoner. I could have gotten him to do whatever I wanted at the time," says Leung through a translator. "I'm sure I could have gotten anal had I thought of it." The effects of this information on the upcoming US presidential primary elections is not yet known and neither the Obama nor the McCain campaigns have commented.

[edit] Political positions

BFFL

Wetbacks loev McKein becuz he soports tem!

McCain is known for his vehement support of illegal immigration, mostly because he'd rather pay a spic 10 cents an hour to mow his lawn than pay a legal American citizen a decent wage. Because we could have won Vietnam if we hadn't pulled out too soon, McCain wants to make up for it by spending at least 100 years in Iraq and maybe hitting up Iran while we're in the neighborhood.

[edit] McCain on the Issues

Abortion: I'M A WAR HERO
American principles: I'M A WAR HERO
Civil rights: I'M A WAR HERO
Disabilities: I'M A WAR HERO
Economy: I'M A WAR HERO
Education: I'M A WAR HERO
Energy: I'M A WAR HERO
Environment: I'M A WAR HERO
Ethics: I'M A WAR HERO
Family: I'M A WAR HERO
Fiscal: I'M A WAR HERO
Foreign Policy: I'M A WAR HERO, AND I'LL BOMB THE GOOKS
Gun Control: I'M A WAR HERO
Health care: I'M A WAR HERO
Homeland Security: I'M A WAR HERO
Immigration: I'M A WAR HERO
Iraq: I'M A WAR HERO
Political Experience : I'M A WAR HERO
Poverty: I'M A WAR HERO
Prostitution: I'M A WAR HERO
Rural: I'M A WAR HERO
Service: I'M A WAR HERO
Seniors & Social Security: I'M A WAR HERO
Technology: I'M A WAR HERO
Use of the I'M A WAR HERO
Veterans: I'M A WAR HERO

[edit] Mr. McNasty

This section is all true. Srsly. His highschool nickname was Mr. McNasty for his hothead temper. In front of his campaign staff he scolded his wife with, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." On his experiences in the 'Nam he said, "I hate the gooks." About the gooks, he said to a staff college intern, "At least they didn't ask me what I think about the niggers." To Senator Pete Domenici, "I wouldn't call you an asshole unless you really were an asshole."

Despite being over 9000 years old, this actually makes McCain the hippest Republican candidate in several decades. This was further proven when he appeared on SNL and raped the shit out of Jimmy Fallon.

[edit] McCain vs. Tubes

Why you don't leech.

Not content with being pwnt by Vietnam, for his next trick, McCain decided to become the lolcow of Myspace. Having mistaken the internets for a big truck, McCain had his minions set up an account on MySpace to reach out to all those edgy and hip youngsters. But the internets are not a big truck, but rather a series of tubes running freely with powerful lol. Unbeknownst to team McCain, one of those tubes connected a graphic on his Myspace page to an image on a server belonging to someone else. Using a tried and true bait-and-switch tactic, McCain admitted his love for lesbians, was pwned once again, and had to go join John Edwards in the hugbox. Can't operate Myspace, but wants to operate the USA? Gg.

However, McCain is still in favor of hot threesome orgies with twins. Rule 34 Plz!

John McCain appreciates the grab-value of booze-loving twin sluts.

In an episode of even greater pwnage, Last Thursday one of John McCain's minions got fucked in the ass by fat whore Tracy Russo at the PDF. The minion was trying to explain that one does not have to use a computer to understand that the internets are not a big truck but couldn't because the fat cow got everyone to laugh at him. The minion then backtracked and made epic lulz by saying, "John McCain is aware of the internet."

[edit] Speeches

Anyone familiar with John McCain knows that he is one of the most well spoken politicians of the 21st century.

[edit] Trivia

"My cock is this big. Srsly."

Obama vs McCain.

Only reason to vote for McCain is cause his daughter is fap material. You can't say that about the Obama girls (unless you're Pedobear).

Only sort of eligible to run for President. He was born in Panama. But it was at a naval air station, which makes it alright. Sort of.
Became an American Citizen on June 26, 1982, under naturalization certificate #19756078.
His lovers included Ann Coulter, Larry King, Webster, Karl Rove, Janet Reno and John Ashcroft. Boy George also claimed to have had an affair with him.
Endorsed by the moderate, reasonable John Hagee
Appeared naked on the cover of Life magazine (November 24, 1991).
Prides himself on the fact that he had slept with four members of the Bush clan - George H. W., Barbara, W, and Jeb Bush.
There has been much speculation over the years over whether McCain and his opponent Mitt Romney may have had latent homosexual tendencies. It's true: they are lovers.
Voted the 10th Most Inept Congressman of 2006 by Time Magazine.
Successfully trolled Ron Paul during the Republican debates by personally ordering the troops in Iraq to stay and fight for at least 100 years (and, if necessary, over 9000).
Thinks Vietnam was lost due to "public opinion" and not the thousands of dead soldiers or fear of a larger war with China or Russia. Damn those pollsters!
Was against torture before he was in favor of it. Was in favor of torture before he was a victim of it.
Wants to increase every aspect of the "war on drugs" because we needs a "drug free America".
Will probably make us miss Bush as the "good old days" if he wins the election.
He's as senile as Reagan. This results in some rather lulzy 'senior moments' whenever he steps in front of a camera.
Might surpass Bush as the worst president in history.
Hates freedom.
Loves torture.
Voted against instating Martin Luther King Day. Srsly
Worked as a gigolo in 2000 by banging a lobbyist and getting her to pay him for it.
Is owned by the CoS
His wife is a rich and beautiful MILF
He goes ape shit over donuts with sprinkles
Happens to be so fucking old that he stops in @ Bob Evans for the 4 PM Dinner specials
Has recently run into relationship troubles with his lover John Hagee. This is because McCain can only achieve erection by nuking Iran to glass and starting the Rapture.
Doesn't like mudkips. (MOTHERFUCKER!)

[edit] Gallery

McCain's main duty if he becomes President.	John McCain about to feast on the flesh of man		McCain, a secret Jew?
	John McCain: he will suck your cock.	He'll suck your cock	John McCain or Saul Tigh?
McCain sees goatse for the very first time. OH SHI-
		Why conservatives hate McCain.	An unbiased comparison of McCain and Obama.
McDonald's newest menu item	brb, bathroom break	McCain invented goose fat in 1853.
			Rejected Campain logo