Merrill Howard Kalin
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Contents |
[edit] Quality Programming
Merrill Howard Kalin is the host of a small-time cable access cooking television program, broadcasting in Palatine, Illinois. His... energetic cooking style has made him an interbutts favorite, and between his awkward, jerky movements, cross-contamination, and persistant, strangely erotic groans, he displays a surprising proficiency with sharp objects.
The Merrill Howard Kalin show is primarily a learning endeavor. He teaches the proper way to chop "Cucumbels", how to prepare lettuce (namely, by bashing it against an unwashed poultry cutting board), and how to use a measuring cup. As a learning-focused program, Merrill reminds the viewer never to cook alone and to never use a knife"EEEEEVER!"(himself, quite the expert on the subject, being the only exception). Merrill has even devised his own complex dish-rating system, moving from "good", to "so good" to "marvelous" and nothing else.
[edit] Talents
Merrill enjoys impersonations, sandwiching them between repeating his own name and slurring cooking terms. In a typical half-hour episode, it is uncommon to hear anything less than a baker's dozen. He does everyone from presidents and movie stars to assorted cooking celebrities, all of which sound like a frightened, retarded manchild. The only impression that sounds somewhat close to the actual thing is that of Jimmy Stewart. It has been described as how Stewart would sound if he suffered brain damage by falling into a meat grinder.
[edit] Business Model
- Open a bottle of Thousand-Island sauce
- Pour contents on salad in front of a camera
- ?????
- PROFIT!
[edit] Response
Critics have scoffed at those who would use Merrill's program for their own twisted amusement. Detractors, however, point out that the station programmers were the ones to supplied Merrill with both cameras and knives. As Always, Kalin is his own worst critic, and often scolds his own work on air. Listen carefully, as any mistake is met with a silent "Jesus Chist", or "Not like that". Merrill also calls himself a jerk during the show
[edit] Death
We at ED have received the sad news that Merrill Howard Kalin died suddenly at the age of 45 in his home in Ohio on June 20th, 2008. Please create your own chicken and Jell-O dinners to commemorate a loss of mass lulz. See here.
[edit] External Links
* Watch the Merrill Howard Kalin Show!
Perhaps the very definition of lawl. Also features an AIDS P.S.A. That's a two-fer!
Merrill make-a good salad, and finishes his chicken dish.
Merrill reveals the results, and moans in ecstacy while applying salad dressing. They all died due to Little City Foundation getting all butthurt and being full of AIDS.
Good thing PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO SAVE VIDEOS HUH?
