Jesus
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Jesus was a dark-skinned Jew from Palestine, who may or may not have lived over two thousand years ago. He was featured as a Mary Sue character in a shitty Jewish slashfic called the Bible, even though all he did was troll on ppl IRL, and eventually got killed for pissing everybody off. He had many fanbois over the years, and was the inspiration for the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Holocaust. Jesus is also personally responsible for every sports championship ever.
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[edit] The Myth of Jesus
Coincidentally born in the year 0 A.D. to Mary and, if the rumors are true, God (a paternity test is pending). According to local legend, Jesus (pronounced "Hay-soos") hatched out of a chocolate egg (as all Jews are) in a barn because his step-dad, Joseph, was typical too cheap to get a room that night for his 9 month pregnant wife. Three guys with incense, gold and embalming fluids followed an alien space ship to Bethlehem, where Jesus was located, because they heard he was the Jew King hatchling, and they were in deep trouble with their taxes.
Little is known of Jesus' childhood, but he was probably pretty stuck up and liked to mess with people's heads given that he was the Son of God. But according to the Infancy Gospel of St Thomas, the young Jesus once killed a boy for beating him in a race and caused an entire village to go blind for not recognizing his divinity.
As an adult, Jesus became something of a New Age guru, and is widely considered to be the first hippie. He taught peace, love, unity, and respect, thereby making him the first Raver also. He had a group of guys called the Apostles who followed him around trying to look cool, but Jesus really thought they were all douchebags.
In 33 AD Jesus became an hero when he pissed the Romans off by BAAAWWWing at them for losing his iPod. The Romans proceeded to nail him to a piece of wood, where he died (lol pwned). Please note that over 9000 other criminals were also nailed to a piece of wood to die, however noone makes a big deal about the crucificatiownage of someone they don't care about. Two hundred eye witnesses to Jesus' crucifiction claim they witnessed Jesus having an erection.
However, soon afterwards, he rose from the grave. Upon seeing his formal apostles and the Virgin Mary, Jesus greeted them with one of the most hallowed passages from the Bible: Brains..... Unfortunatly for the apostles, they did not watch any zombie movies and didn't realise that whenever a person comes back from the dead, they turn into a mindless killer. Anyways, Jesus then proceeded to eat the apostles' and the Virgin Mary's brains.
Three days later he came back as a zombie and proceded to GTFO because he had pretty much had enough faggotry for one week. He told everyone that he would brb, and then booked it off to heaven. It's two thousand years later, and no one's heard back from him, although his fans still wait patiently. Some argue that Jesus then moved with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air, but this has yet to be confirmed. Others are of the opinion that Jesus has simply been chargin' his lazer for 2000 years. These people are called Mormons.
[edit] JEWS DID JESUS!
There were over 9000 jews present at the RL banning of our lord and savior. Although there is no record of who exactly committed the act of douchery, it is easy to see that along with all the other atrocities in the world's history (including the invention of ZIMA and "The View"), it's the jews' fault. The motives for this pwnage seem obvious, but over the last few years we have learned about the culture of these Seinfeld worshipping kikes and further evidence points to the fact that these fuckers probably did it simply for lulz. See Also: Mel Gibson
[edit] [MUDKIP LOVES JESUS]
THAT HE DOES, HE TOLD ME SO.
[edit] Jesus Fanfic
The life and times of Jesus were recorded in fanfic form by his four biggest fanboys — Matthew, Mark, Luke and John — shortly after his death. Later, their works were compiled by a basement-dweller nerd named Peter into the "New Testament." Initial sales were stagnant, however, and so after conducting numerous focus groups and hiring many expensive consultants, the title was changed to "Jesus: The Reckoning." Subsequent sales skyrocketed, thereby propelling the publisher — Catholic Church, Inc. — into global prominence.
In addition, the four fanfics have been criticized for skipping over most of Jesus's life, leaving fanboys wanting more. This enormous plot hole, however has been remedied by the following explanation.
- The Life of Jesus
- Birth
- ????
- PROPHET
Today, with Jesus fandom on the wane, "The Reckoning" is typically published as an anthology in conjunction with the so-called "Old Testament." This saves on printing costs, and has served to bolster sales, though one may still need to order the book at Amazon since many bookstores are stopped carrying it.
[edit] How to Pluralize
Incorrect: 'Jesii' ("Hey, Ma! I went to the church and got me a whole lotta them Jesii.")
Correct: 'Jesoi' ("There are fifteen Jesoi in the Bible. By the way, my good man, did you happen to go to that Noam Chomsky lecture the other day? I was too busy translating Etruscan.").
[edit] Other Jesoi
Muhammed: The Muslim Jesus, sometimes spelled Mohammed, other times Chief of the Camel-fuckers, Muhammed is the Jesus of the Muslims. He's a dirty terrorist pedophile that got raped by pigs. There are many who claim that he was responsible for the 9/11WTC horror, but that was actually somebody else. See also Allah.
Buddha: The AZN Jesus. Couldn't decide whether to be pro-ana or a Fatty. He gave up everything, but couldn't give up doublefisting twinkies. Was into ZERG rushes as a child, but later renouced them along with work and material possessions in a transparent attempt to hide his laziness. As with all other azns, he was really into manga and hello kitty. Due to lucretive religious marketing deals, every azn is required to cover all free surfaces in their home with buddha figurines and incense burners. Buddha drives a 2003 Scion Van with a 2.5 foot spoiler, AZN PRIDE written on the back in kanji, and a FREE TIBET bumper sticker.
RaptorJesus: Raptor Jesus is the Jesus of Raep, Dinosaurs, and Dinosaur Rape. Not to be confused with a Furry, RaptorJesus is actually a raptor and he will bite your fucking head off. RaptorJesus went extinct for your sins, and is available as a 7" action figure in the GI Joe range, with real retractable evisceration talons!
[edit] Jesus Facts
- Jesus was a CONVICTED CRIMINAL.
- Makes celebrity appearances on Bread
- Knows his cunnilingus
- Is not allowed within 50 feet of any public school in both New York State and Oregon
- Jesus does not like to be fucked in the wristholes or footholes.
- Jesus says that he was too drunk at the time to remember turning water into wine, but also says he thinks it was actually Jack Daniel's because wine is for pussies.
- Jesus occasionally guest-stars on TV's South Park. Nobody is sure if he's making good on a bet or if he's just hard up for cash.
- Any person living in that area during Jesus' time would have had the skintone of an Arab. Be sure to tell christians this as the thought of a black Jesus will drive them batshit insane.
- The purpose of Isreali special forces Mossad is to prepare for Jesus' return so that he can be killed again.
- If Jesus is the Messiah, David Koresh is the Lord of the Universe.
- Was a JEW and by de facto did wtc.
- Was responsible for your childhood pet dying and is torturing it as we speak.
- Jesus was actually emo. the crucifiction was a coverup for his large habit of inflicting pain on himself.
[edit] Bel-Air
Now this is a story all about how my
Life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I become the prince of a town called Bethlehem
In west Jerusalem born and raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool
And all converting some Hebrews outside of the school
When a couple of guys they were up to no good
They tried to nail me to a cross of wood.
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
And said, "You're going on an 26 year absence somewhere”
I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said God and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I could say that this cab was rare
But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to God's heir!"
I pulled up to the temple about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later
Looked at my kingdom I was finally used
To sit on my throne as the prince of the Jews.
[edit] Gallery
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[edit] See Also
[edit] Links
- Loljesus.com
- Super Saiyan Jesus
- Jesus RPG Adventure video game
- Free Jesus Based iPhone?
- Jesus' DNA
- Jesus now has a MySpace
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