Metallica
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Metallica is a heavy metal band that was formed at least 100 years ago by James Hetfield and drummer Lars Ulrich.
Metallica once had a decent sound until they heard emo and injured their wrists from excessive cutting over 9000 times from not getting enough money from their CDs. They later proved they could stop music downloading by making music so shitty that no one would want to hear it. That cut wrists, fear of Bob Cock raping them, and frequent masturbation cause st anger and Metallica to come out of the closet. They are good.
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[edit] History
At least 100 years ago, Metallica formed in 1981. There were 2 dudes who hired the guy from Megadeth and some other nobody. The nobody bassist left the band and went off to live with his parents. Dave from Megadeth went on to form Megadeth, a band that sang about aliens and nuclear bullshit. Kirk from Exodick joined and then Cliff Burton joined. They recorded three albums: Fuck 'Em All, Fuck The Lightning, and Fucker of Puppets, which has a camouflaged goatse in the album art. Cliff knew how to use his instrument but like all people who can play an instrument he went off and fell out of a goddamn bus in like Sweden. Metallica got AIDS in the asscrack soon after he left. They got some new guy, and went on to record their 19th and 20th albums, And Justice For Raep and the Black Album.
After creating a great hard rock album (Load and ReLoad), Metallica cut off all their hair and made even shitter angrier (lol St. Anger) hard rock. They also did some bullshit album with San Francisco called S&M which clearly refers to the rape Jason received from the band. Just when you thought they couldn't possibly get any lamer, The band hired a therapist to help them with their girlish little arguments. Then that new bassist left claiming QUOTE:"This shit is just too gay." But in truth he was butthurt about being the blame-it-all guy. So Metallica raped Jason one last time and then put a curse on him that would damn him to spend an eternity with the band Supernova. Then Lars hired some nigger/mexican named Robbie Sanchez from Suicidal Tendencies.
Nowadays, Metallica are recording an album that is said to combine And Rapings with The Negro Album, somehow resulting in 10 minute ballads, consequently, we're all fucked.
[edit] Metallica VS. Napster
Metallica are also well-known for filing lawsuits against 16 year old girls and 13 year old boys that download their music on Napster. This lead to many a basement dweller feeling butthurt because they actually have to pay for something. Plus, after this whole Napster shit, the music became pure shit, and they now should probably change their name to Metallicash.
[edit] Current activities
Recently, Metallica released an abhorrent album entitled "Bat Out of Hell", an apparent catharis for Metallica's continuing struggle to successfully find the male G-Spot; David found his back in the Late Eighties while touring in Russia on the Monsters of Rock Tour.
It was recently unveiled that Metallica has fired homosexual producer Bob Cock, in order to work with famous jew Rick Rubenoneoutenwicz.
Some argue that Bob Cock was the reason Metallica sucked and was inferior to Dragonforce, and that their next album will be just as shitty. However, they are wrong because jew Rick Rubenoneoutenwicz will just steal their money and not give it back.
[edit] Metallica Lyrics
- I fucked a sheep, I fucked a goat. I rammed my cock right down its throat.
- So what, so what, so what, so what.
- NAPSTER WILL DIE (When you play Unforgiven 2 backwards)
- YEEEEAAAHHHAAHHHH!!!!
- GRAHHHHAHHH YEAHAHHHAHHHHAAAAAAHHHH! GRAWWWW!!!
- COCKS, COCKS, COCKS, AND MOAR COCKS!!
[edit] Artist Facts
- The original bass player got squished by a fucking bus. Twice.
- Lar$ UlRICH is addicted to money
- Lar$ UlRICH's ex-wife is an incredibly beautiful Physician!
- She got tired of his tantrums and prissyness!
- Metallica will never break up.
- James Hetfield isn't a good singer.
- Metallica is still adored by 17 year old morons.
- Metallica sucks.
- Kirk Hammett is a flamboyant homosexual.
- Kirk Hammett is an excellent cock sucker, giving BJ's on many times to the band members.
- Kirk Hammett and Lar$ UlRICH have made out on several occasions.
- To pay tribute to Kirk Hammett's love of cock, the covers of Load and ReLoad included cum and piss.
- There is no Metallica fan above the age of 19.
- Dave Mustaine is still butthurt about being fired.
- Metallica used to know how to play. But then some bus killed Cliff on purpose and now we gotta listen to shit like INVISIBLE KID.
[edit] See Also
- Megadeth
- Slayer
[edit] External links
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Metallica is part of a series on Music. |
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Categories: Crap | Music
