Michael Jackson
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Wacko Jacko was a 50-year-old white manchild who found fame and fortune as a homosexual pederast, Catholic priest and poster boy for NAMBLA. He could also sing and dance like a barrel organ grinder's monkey. Born as a small black boy into a large family of singing and dancing chimps, he eventually struck out on his own to turn white, travel around the world luring young boys, monkeys and Elephant Men to slumber parties at his very own castle, Neverland, and to prove once and for all that when the big hand touches the little hand, it's time to get the fuck right outta there!
On June 25th, 2009 Wacko Jacko popped one too many painkillers whilst rehearsing for an upcoming tour and keeled over from anal cancer. Jackson's highly polished exo-skeleton will be stuffed with robotics and set on display at Disney's Hall of Presidents.
Long rumoured to be the leading cause of ejaculations in underage bans, it wasn't until 2003 that the long arm of the law touched Jacko inappropriately when one of his many victims' mothers revealed lurid description of Jacko's wedding tackle after he ran out of hush money. Despite being legally a white woman, Captain EO played the race card like OJ in his/her 2003 pedophilia trial.
Amongst the train wreckage of a life full of batshit crazy behaviour, he leaves a legacy that includes being the author of W's controversial No Child's Behind Left plan and saving humanity from the Beatles voluminous catalogue of songs (after outbidding Paul McCartney for the publishing rights) by preventing iTunes from offering said drek to the public.
Always a controversial figure, he will nonetheless be fondly remembered for the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" on live TV at Super Bowl XXXVIII on February 1, 2004 in which he exposed his penis to Justin Timberlake during the half-time show
He is survived by Bubbles the chimp, the Elephant Man's remains, several children called Blanket, a surrogate babymamma, a mountain of debt and the joke:
Q: What do Michael Jackson and KMart have in common? A. Little boys' pants half off!
He will be missed by children everywhere for so many will never know the sweet caress of Michael Jackson's gloved hand.
Herstory
In the 80s, Wacko Jacko (or as the kids knew him, Wackoff Jackoff) made a music video called Thriller where he-she dressed up as himself, a zombie made out of wax. Since then, he-she has had at least one plastic surgery involving Cillit Bang to look like Diana Ross and a vaginectomy. Despite having an androgynous physical appearance that frightens small children, they continue to sleep with him because it beats working at Walmart. He-she was last known to have intimate relations with a "Terry S." but no one knows who this may be. But known sightings place The Terry within the same ranks of the Yeti and Sasquatch.
In November 2008, Jacko got sick of just taking care of little boys and switched to the good side: He-she's became now a member of the peaceloving believers of the religion of Islam. Unverified sources claim Jacko was bribed with a present which he couldn't reject. It is being reported that Allah has now given him his 72 virgin boys. That shouldn't last long.
| —Jackson to his child catcher. |
Life At Home
MJ originally constructed for himself the perfect tool for drawing in his preferred cuisine: an amusement park where children "never grow up" and "don't want to go to school". It was his primary romp for years until people realized that a grown man running a theme park for children all by himself was a little creepy. Jacko closed his own pool after his rape trial, moving back to Whorelywood with the intent to rebuild his fondle-factory in Berlin. Just thinking about plump little blue-eyed blonde-haired Nazi children made Jacko drool so much his lips fell off. Either that or too much plastic surgery the amazing sex with Macaulay Culkin.
He lived with his a myriad of prepubescent servants and his Nanny with lupus. He has also expressed his wish to move to Poland and live in a castle purchased there, although he may have been unaware that the country's demographics were not ideal, having fewer young boys than girls.
The Elephant Man
In the Mid-1980's Michael Jackson tried to purchase the skeleton of Joseph Merrick, aka the Elephant Man. He ultimately failed to obtain the skeleton. When asked the reason for this desired purchase, Michael Jackson stated that "it was mostly for the lulz". People suspect however, that it was in fact not for the lulz but for other recreational activities.
Jacko's kids
Michael Jackson's kids, who are all completely white, are not his biological children (OBVIOUSLY). In fact, it is widely known that the biological father is Mark Lester, the blond-haired former child actor who played Oliver in that gay musical movie.
Looking at Lester's childhood photo, which seems to fit the image of Jackson's ideal sex partner, one has to wonder what Jacko's children were being used for exactly.
| —Actual quote of one of its kids, further proving that he loves kids in bed. |
 Mark Lester, the kids' godfather, is the biological father. |
 Mark Lester in 1968 as the title character in the fagtastic musical Oliver! |
 Jacko and his kids. |
 Michael Jackson's kid #1 aka Macaulay |
 Michael Jackson's kid #2 |
 Michael Jackson's kid #3 |
 Michael Jackson's kid #4 aka Blanket |
 Michael Jackson's kid #5 aka Cartman |
Moreover, it appears that Jacko did not only not sire any of his children, he never formally adopted them either. ED hopes that he will be posthumously prosecuted for kidnapping. In his will, he left custody to his the kids to Dianna Ross.
The Mask of Pedo
On December 13th, 2008, Michael Jackson reappeared in the spotlight using an old trick from Elizabeth Taylor/Liza Minnelli to gain sympathy from his fans by faking a mental illness. This time in the form of what could be best described as dressing up like a Bollywood version of Zorro.
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Jacko's Trial
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Quoteable
| —F. Marc Schaffel is coming to his own defense on word that Michael Jackson’s 911 charity single "What More Can I Give" isn’t being released because of his porno directing past. |
| —Cornholio1776 |
| —vardorius |
Death
| —Anon |
On Thursday, June 25th, 2009, Michael Jackson died in the act of lovemaking, having a heart attack. This is considered one of the best ways to go, preferable to rotting in an old folks home or dying of cancer. The young boy who Jackson was making love to at the time called paramedics; his name was not released. Most news agencies ommitted this fact, leaving a mystery of who called paramedics when Michael Jackson was unconscious at the time. Regardless, Jacko was clearly not on his bee.
/b/ was quick to exploit it with endless threads featuring the heart attack meme and Michael Jackson photoshops. His dying wish was to donate his organ to a sick child (so that forever he would be inside a child).
TMZ reported the initial diagnosis was that Jacko had died from cardiac arrest caused by a boyscout troop walking past him. The Los Angeles coroner's office has deferred Jacko's inquest awaiting toxicology tests and to provide ample time for the media shitstorm to rage on for a week or two. Shortly thereafter, Jesse Jackson appeared on CNN calling for a full and thorough investigation of the facts and Jacko's live-in doctor (who it was reported, had gone on the lam) suggesting that this was MURDER! He then called for OJ to be released from jail since he's an expert in tracking down the real killers
While it has since been confirmed that he had a heart attack in the E.R. it was first reported he was having a stroke in the Pediatrics wing.
Meanwhile CNN reported Vanillaface moonwalked off this mortal coil. Goodnight sweet prince. Fark reported that he has just begun work on Thriller 2: Electric Boogaloo! Though his heart is no longer beating, Disney has inspected the body and declared that the high quality plastic exterior makes him a great candidate for animatronics. The same news report told how he was planning to rekindle his popularity, but the only thing he accomplished was becoming the first white nigger to die of something besides gunfire.
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It is said he will reincarnate into a supermarket bag: he will still be white, made of plastic, and dangerous for little kids.
Reaction
The media being the two-faced, money grubbing scum that they are, all of sudden had a new found respect for Micahel Jackson. I guess after harassing him, making several cruel jokes at his expense, and publicly disgracing him wasn't so funny now that he was dead, so they just swept all the nasty things they said under a rug and acted like it never happened. As overwrought, outpourings of unconditional love for the Gloved One rained down upon the masses from all and sundry, /b/ remained the sole voice of reason in the tragedy, celebrating this living embodiment of Pedobear's life and death, creating kthxbyes in their inimitable style. Meanwhile faggotry reigned the day on the likes of twitter, YouTube, facebook and blog after blog after blog.
Everyone seemed to have forgotten how shocked & appalled they were back when Jacko was on trial for diddling shota. People posted tributes and childhood memories, songs and vidyas of how important The King of Pop had been in their lives and how he'd provided the soundtrack to the indiscretions of youth; that first mugging (Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'), that first fap (Beat It), that first child molestation (Pretty Young Thing).
It's almost as if they could -maybe- one day overlook The Holocaust and give another tortured artist with issues -Hitler- the props he surely deserved for being an inspiring leader, a terrific orator, a non-smoking animal lover with a keen eye for graphic design and style who also got the trains to run on time. One can only hope.
MJ cockmonglers have responded by locking themselves in cupboards, self-mutilation. MJ tattoos, and BAAAAWWWING about how the world is a cruel and violent place; subsequently expressing the desire to assault people who don't think or act as they demand. Scientists have concluded that the universe revolves around these illiterate specimens.
Billy Mays, who was also 50 years old, responded three days later with his own heart attack.
You can help out the tremulous MJ BAAAWW pirates by sacking their tree house of precious, underaged booty:
http://www.mjfanclub.net/mjforum373/index.php
The Well of Untapped Lulz :
Trolling
| —facebook post - |
| — The Bruce Campbell of Trolling Copypasta |
In the meantime, you can help by trolling people on the Internets with mock outrage at all this praise for Jacko and comparing him to Hitler. Go to someone's virtual facebook shrine and leave comments to their comments feigning disgust that someone would sweep Jacko's crimes against humanity under the rug. Tell them they probably spent MJ's pedo trial damning him to Hell and if not, ask them if they would let their kids sleep over at Neverland or hang out with Uncle Josef. Tell them that Hitler was a brilliant motivational speaker and was a snappy dresser if -like with MJ- you choose to leave out the ugly truth parts.
Most people won't take the bait because they know it's true -Jacko was a sickfuck. But some will puff up their e-chests and rise to the defence of MJ. Now you pounce and accuse them of hypocrisy and double standards. Ask why they hate children so much and how come pedophilia is okay when the molester is a celebrity. If they BAAAAAW that you're out of line or whatever, admit that, yes, you're sorry, comparing MJ to Hitler is a terribly unfair to Hitler.
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Perez Hilton, first responder
As news of Jacko's death reached Perez Hilton, Perez set about what Perez does best: pissing people off. He posted a blog that Jacko was just faking it to get out of contractual obligations. This caused abundant butthurt and threats of violence so Hilton tried to backtrack and apologise for the fag-on-fag violence. This wasn't enough for some misguided, gay Anons who called for a raid on Hilton (see: Talk:Michael Jackson). ED awaits the fallout from this gay Operation Thriller faggotry and will bring you news as and when it happens.
Conspiracy Theories
Pepsi did it
After failing to defoliate Jacko's head with napalm during the filming of a Pepsi commercial in the '80s, Jacko turned to painkillers from which he subsequently overdosed. Ergo Pepsi did it.
Rock Band did it
Rock Band Unplugged had the song "ABC" by The Jackson 5 on it, Michael Jackson was 11 when it was released. 11 days after the release of the game he died.
Jews did Michael Jackson death!
To get back at Michael Jackson putting a "Voodoo curse" on Supreme Jewish Leader Steven Spielberg, a day before his IRL death, upon entrance into an IRC channel, a Jew compulsively typed in "ah michael jackson, ah what?" Given the fact that this Jew has tha OCD, he has special powers, effectively putting a curse on Jacko and killing him.
Jews did Michael Jackson!
| —ADL |
Some people believe that Jews did Michael Jackson. And not just because he owed them $500,000,000. Their reasoning goes as follows:
- 1. Jewish monetary perverts drool at the billions accumulated by MJ. They say shalom and try to invite themselves to dinner and MJ says GTFO.
- 2. In addition, Jews at the CIA want to insert memes into his lyrics so that they can sell more dope to the listeners. MJ says gb2hell.
- 3. Jews insert bait children into his life. Indeed, some of the children's families were bff with their Jewish attorneys.
- 4. MJ smells trouble, and responds with lyrics. The unedited version of one of his lyrics went as follows (srsly). Jewish lawyers made him change it. The song is accompanied by a creepy music that gives you visions of Jewish shark lawyers trying to banhammer you for good.
- He really fucked
- He thought he really got control of me
- Somebody's out there,
- Somebody really wants to get me
- Kick me
- Kike me
- Use me
- Abuse me
- Sue me
- Jew me
- Take control of me
- 5. Jews find nothing funny and proceed with banhammering him. They fail at the banhammer but succeed in putting him out of commission.
- 6. ????
- 7. PROFIT!!!!
Proof of this theory can be found in the JarlaxleArtemis article.
A related theory is that the music biz did Jacko for revenge. His last studio album Invincible in 2002 had tanked and Jacko had gotten into a heated dispute with his label Sony and leveraged himself out of his contract after accusing them of failing to spend sufficient jew golds marketing and promoting him. Of course this had absolutely nothing to do with his refusal to go on tour in support of the record. Jacko and the head of the label went toe-to-toe in the media and Jackson alleged the label head was a "devil" and a "racist" who did not support black artists and used them for solely for profit (no shit). He charged that the label chief had called his pal Irv Gotti a "fat nigger".
Iran did Jacko
However, some argue that Ahmadinejad did Jacko to take the heat off the the debacle that was the 2009 Iran Elections and its aftermath of rioting students butthurt over the rigged outcome. Since the shitstorm of twitter, Facebook and cell phone pix/vids had been spamming up the old media and making them look bad, the ayatollahs needed a distraction to avert the eyes of the world from their civil rights abuses and the tragic death of a martyred young towelhead called Neda.
Mark Sanford did it
After getting busted for going AWOL from his day job as the Governor of South Carolina, Republicunt "family values" fanboy Mark Sanford -who Stephen Colbert described as "(You are) incredibly boring. (You are) a manila envelope glued to a beige wall. (You’re) walking, talking Ambien."- admitted he was off in Buenos Aires having an extramarital affair with a spicy Argentinean chica and not on a surprise solo hike on the Appalachian Trail (on Naked Hiking Day). Naturally, the old media went batshit crazy and had a field day at the Governor's expense and were set to drag all the skeletons from Sanford's suddenly interesting closet.
However, on the eve of blowing the lid off the secret lovers' steamy emails and such, Michael Jackson suddenly dropped dead. With a shot at being the GOP's 2012 presidential candidate on the line, things were not looking good for the ageing Lothario...until the spotlight shifted. Coincidence? You be the judge.
Michael Jackson Lives
Don't believe Ondor's lies. We brought him back, we had the technology!
Bel Air
This is the story all about how my pulse got flipped turned upside down, Now I'd like to take a minute just sit right there, I'll tell you how I had cardiac arrest in Bel Air. In Gary Indiana born and raised, In the plastic surgeon room is where I spent most of my days, chillin' out, maxin', relaxing all cool, and sittin' in a van outside of the school when a couple of parents said I was up to no good said I was molesting their kids in the neighborhood. I got in one little incident and the police got mad and said "Were taking away your Neverland Ranch" I said I'll do a big concert tour, and when it came near I needed a trainer my body couldn't take anymore. One morning I woke up and felt pain, I said "Nah forget it, YO HOLMES LETS TRAIN" The next day around 11 or 12, blood stopped rushing to my heart valve, I collapsed on the floor, I yelled to the world yo holmes smell ya later, S lipped into a coma and I was finally there, dead of cardiac arrest at my home in Bel Air.
Bel Air Ver. 2
This is a story all about how my HHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNGH
Jokes
- Some argue that he died of a heart attack from disappointment after hearing that Boyz II Men was a band, not a delivery service.
- Michael Jackson contains so much plastic that he will be melted down and turned into Lego, so children can play with him for a change
- Michael Jackson died of food poisoning - they found a nine year old weiner in his mouth.
- BREAKING NEWS: Michael Jackson alive! He was earlier found in the children's ward, having a stroke.
- Did you hear Michael Jackson's upcoming dates have been cancelled? John (age 7) and Paul (age 9).
- Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
- A: One's white, made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with, but the other carries your groceries.
- Just before Michael Jackson's death, he updated his will. His wishes was to be melted down and made into a Nintendo Wii, so all the little children can still play with him.
- Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates and God asked her what he could do for her having led such an honest life. Farrah asked God to simply make sure the children of the world were safe. Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.
- It's a shame Jackson died before he could finish his book, The Ins And Outs of Child Rearing
- The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
- Michael Jackson donated his body to Coca-Cola. They're now using 75%-less material for their packaging.
Gallery
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Notable Targets
See also
External Links
- The Cheeto That Foretold Michael Jacksons Future Amongst the crapflood of Jacko memorabilia available on eBay.
- Michael Jackson Moonwalk Cheeto.
- First site up within minutes of his death, goodjob.
- First person to PURELY FUCKING OWN HIM after death.
- The History of Michael Jackson's face.
- Computer generated image of how Jacko would look if he never had plastic surgery.
- Another person who bleached their skin. Compare the earliest album to the later ones.
- Pranksters pull a fast one - one pretends to be MJ and vomits all over the window of a Victoria's Secret.
- Michael Jackson jokes
- Jacko craves for some Muhammad-love.
- Rapper's Jacko diss set to South Park clips.
Sites approved by Michael Jackson, not directly related
- Doujinland.com - Sure to contain lots and lots of sick fuckery.
- not4chan
Michael Jackson is part of a series on Child Abuse 
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Main Players
Pedobear • Shotacat • Captain Crunch • Children • Chris Hansen • FBI • Internet Watch Foundation • Perverted-Justice • Lolita • Partyvan • Pedophile |
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Types of CP
Ameriloli • Amerishota • Baby fuck • Jailbait • Lolicon • Shotacon • Toddlercon • Yugioh Card Maker | |
V& Pedophiles
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UnV& Pedophiles
Andy Maher • Bikerfox • Christopher • Dynacatlovesme • Edarem • Erik Möller • Irish282 • LittleCloud • Logansperman2 • M. Chaos • Magicrich • Michael Jackson • Nathanr • Riverman72 • Sam Rassenfoss • Scientology • TheAmazingAtheist • Trap-kun • Tyciol • Updownmostly • Woody Allen • W. T. Snacks • Young Tubers United • Ytask • Zaiger | |
Related Topics
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 Michael Jackson is part of a series on Dying Alone | Those Who Have Died Alone
Anna Nicole Smith | Brandon Crisp | Charmaine Dragun | Codey Porter | Heath Ledger | Lilo | Megan Meier | Michael Jackson | Mitchell Henderson | Otoya Yamaguchi | Ricardo Lopez | Ripper | Rudolph Zurick | Shawn Woolley | Tyler Dumstorf Those Dying Alone Ahotwheelscar | Anonymous Borg | Argent009 | Bikerfox | ByAppointmentTo | Chris-chan | Chuck M. | David Hockey | Epic fat guy | Fagolescents | GoddessMillenia | Kevin Havens | Lecarick | Nathan Gale | Nullcherri | Pit Viper | Ricki Raven | Sceptre | Snapesnogger | TheSockDetective | Ulillillia Their Methods 4chan | AIDS | Anime | Booze | Bullying | Dead Friend | DeviantART | Drugs | Fleshlight | Self-seclusion | IRC | Jenkem | Lego | LiveJournal | Lonely | MMORPGs | MUDs | MySpace | Online dating | Online sex games | Plastic Crap | Plenty Of Fish | Vloggerheads | YouTube |
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Michael Jackson is part of a series on Music |
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