Magic
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A briefly popular card game that consists entirely of trying to get as many elves into play as possible so that you can "summon" your Beta edition 'Force of Nature' card, merely to justify the $200 you spent on a piece of cardboard.
All basement dwellers own Magic cards, even if they do not play it anymore. All basement dwellers have played Magic religiously at some point during their life.
Contents |
[edit] Variations
There are, in fact, many variations on Magic based on what color of cardboard you decided to waste your money on the most.
- Green - Elves provide manna to fuel rampaging fungi. Only needs one 'Forest' and a handful of elves, but requires between twenty to thirty of the same $200 card.
- Note: The only faggots who run green are one's who actually wanna win.
- Red - Discard 'Rukh Egg', get a free 3/3 Flying creature. Requires 60 of the same $120 card - only for experts. Due to everybody wanting to play Red it usually takes between two and three months to find one of these cards for less than $300.
- Burn - Forty card deck. Twelve mountains, and 4 copies of seven identical cards with different names, all which deal 3 damage for one mountain as an instant. Please note: This is the equivalent to hacking in Magic, and noone will ever play with you again.
- White - This color is usually played by white supremacists who, when not spending their money on crack, heroin, and bibles, buy cheap flimsy cardboards to use as rolling papers. Being racists, they always buy white Magic cards. This is how Wizards of the Coast, inc. makes 85% of their money. The other 15% comes from pimping teenagers.
- Blue - This color is the basis of annoying "Control" decks which are inevitably found in the hands of some nerd who will invoke some rule of the game you didn't know existed in order to counter your every action. As blue is somewhat lacking in power the game will end up lasting 2 hours, when it was painfully obvious the nerd was going to win 20 minutes in. If you see someone playing a control deck, the following strategy is considered acceptable: 1) Slowly reach upward 2) Grab your opponent firmly by the throat 3) Squeeze 4) ???? 5) Profit.
- Black - Twenty swamps, and forty 'Plague Rats'. This color is the cheapest to win with because people will just sell these cards for twenty cents each in order to fund their own Red or Green deck.
- Gray - Artifacts; use 'Urza's Mine/Power Plant/Tower', 'Candelabra of Tawnos' and 'Rocket Launcher'. The 'Candelabra' will set you back around $500, with 'Rocket Launcher' being $60 each (bring extra). Prior to the Mirrodin block, artifacts were known as brown magic.
- Gold - aka "combo" cards. These require multiple colors and are therefore a complete waste of money. Only for the hardcore Magic player. Some of the newer sets, i.e. Ravnica, feature lots of multicolor cards.
[edit] Magic Online
Magic Online is where basement dwelling Magic players can further their social separation. Players find other hairy-backed souls on the internets via an AOL-like client. Instead of paying real money for worthless cardboard, they can pay real money for virtual cards, all with the added benefit of never having to leave home and deal with that nasty thing called sunlight, or the dilemma of actually associating with other nerds.
An alternative to Magic Online is the less popular, free, Apprentice, which when having problems with the solution is always to:
Which ruins the only reason to use Apprentice instead of Magic Online. Additionally, Magic Workstation is only available for a 30-day trail before forcing magic nerds to waste at least 1000 dollars on the "real" Magic, but Apprentice was abandoned by it's creator, Dragon Studios, so you're stuck.
[edit] Linguistic History
Magic has been around since it was invented. The English terms 'magic', 'magically', and 'magical' all derive from this card game - whose title was a simplification of "magick". The terms have lost their explicit connection with the game and now simply convey a notion of unusualness, or inexplicability. Notions which are, understandably, still extended to the people who play this severely old meme.
[edit] The Best Card in the Game
The best card in the game is 'Black Lotus' and it costs more than all the cardboard in the world.
Recently, the Black Lotus has been given some competition with the addition of new special edition cards such as the Seung Stainless .38 Artifact card. It has been considered the 1337OMGWTFAZNPWN!!!!11121 card in all NCAA sanctioned Magic tournaments.
[edit] Related Wankery
May be related to something called Conquest of Dominaria, or other forms of time-wasting, including but not limited to WoW
